


Anatomy of Us

by J_Antebellum



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, Grey's Anatomy - Freeform, USWNT
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:27:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 40
Words: 103,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23283232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/J_Antebellum/pseuds/J_Antebellum
Summary: What happens when you mix your obsession for Grey's Anatomy with your obsession with the USWNT and Krashlyn.
Relationships: Ashlyn Harris/Ali Krieger
Comments: 100
Kudos: 153





	1. A new day has come

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone!
> 
> Hoping you're all taking good care of yourselves with this Covid madness. I've ran out of the UK, where I've been living for a few months now, and returned to my hometown to support my family through these difficult times. Now I'm in lockdown ;)
> 
> Even though you probably hate me if you've been following my other fics and seen I've barely updated in the past year, I'm happy to finally announce I wrote ten fanfics, all Krashlyn, in the past year. One of them even has a part 2, so it's actually eleven fanfics. So anyway, now that we have these hard times I think all of us in lockdown locked in our flats for minimum a month will appreciate having stuff to read and get entertained, even if it's just fics, so I think it's the best moment to bring all the stories at once. Enjoy!
> 
> Also if you want to talk with me, ask when the next chapter pops or whatever, I'm jantebellum in Tumblr, so feel free to message me or send some anon over there!
> 
> Much love xx

**DISCLAIMER**

This fanfic is based on the players on the USWNT with an original story and semi-original background stories, in a fictitious hospital, and inspired by Grey's Anatomy. In fact, I may grab names from Grey's Anatomy now and then, but that's about as similar to the series as it's gonna be. Mainly, I just thought the USWNT as medical professionals would be fun, as I love both Grey's Anatomy and the USWNT.

This story has been originally written by me (Jantebellum) for Archive of Our Own. If it is found anywhere else, it was copied without my authorization. I do not make money with this story, nor intend to do so. Anything written here it's purely fictional and with the sole purpose of entertainment and fun, and I don't intend for the things I write to happen in real life.

Also, I am an artist, I know pretty much nothing of medicine and although I do try to be accurate or not write too much mentioning stuff I know nothing of, you can't assume anything medical in this FanFic will be accurate because chances are it won't be. But while writing this FanFic, I intend to relax and have fun so really, whatever doesn't make sense to you, just assume it's fiction, because I'm not pretending to be super accurate, nor to write a scientific investigation.

**Something you should know** is that the medical positions are in accordance to the UK, so it's; Foundation Year (FY) doctors, who are Junior Doctors of either Foundation Year 1 or 2, and spend two years being introduced into a hospital, being the 'losers' who are bossed around by pretty much everyone, and do rotations between specialities to learn from each. Next is their bosses, the Specialty Registrars or StR doctors. I may also refer to them as just Registrars. They're doctors who for about five years start to specialize and boss Juniors around. And at last, there are the Consultants, who are already specialized in a field and are responsible of their StR and Junior Doctors. You will also find some USWNT genders have  **swapped** and became males. This is purely because I needed some men and I saw  https://monathezombiekiller.tumblr.com/ 's gender swap post and loved how sexy some look as men, so I took advantage.

Have fun reading and please give feedback!

* * *

**Chapter 1: A new day has come.**

Ashlyn Harris hated firsts. Firsts were doomed to be awkward, unfamiliar, complicated and stressful, and she hated them all. First time eating a new food, going somewhere new, going to a new school, starting a new job... it was a feeling she could get over of quite quickly, but to her, the worst part were the days ahead of that first time, when she would stress about it time after freaking time.

But this first day was different and even though she had already worked in The City of London General Hospital, it brought a new kind of hatred. One that kept her from sleeping much the night before, one that had her revisiting old medicine books for weeks in advance, one that settled in her belly and never let go of her.

“Come on buddy,” she emphasized with her son more than ever before. The little six months old was stretched in his crib staring back at her with incredulous, tired eyes. “Hey, don't look at me like that. I'm not much more excited than you are but Mama needs to cut someone open because otherwise, Mama is going to go nuts. Cuckoo!” her big hands held the baby up against her chest and she strolled down to the kitchen, warming up a small baby bottle with milk in the fridge and making fried eggs at once.

It took her an hour and a half to have her son, Finlay Ryan Harris, completely ready to go in his car seat, and shower, get dressed, prepare her backpack with her scrubs and everything she needed to get in her hospital locker, prepare Finlay's bag, eat breakfast, brush her teeth and do her make-up. But at last, she was looking smooth and smart in her suit, her shirt opened in the first couple buttons, sitting in the driver's seat of her BMW with Finlay already dozing off in the car seat.

The streets of London seemed both familiar and strange, but Ashlyn felt that same way whenever she returned to her hometown. Anyone who has ever lived in London agrees that the city is a whole other world, different from the rest of the United Kingdom, a vast country in itself, what would happens if the United Nations decided to make a country of its own. Billions of mixed races, stories, backgrounds, futures, and nationalities, came together in a miracle way to create a fantastic, but edgy, city. A city that evolved so fast that every time Ashlyn spent more than two weeks away, everything seemed new and unfamiliar. And now she had been out for a year and a half, since visiting her family never brought her farther than Brighton or, at the very most, Wandsworth.

She quickly got over the nervous butterflies as she entered the hospital through the underground parking for employees, and up the lift into the sixth floor, where the employees' children nursery was, trying not to think about the very real possibility of meeting old friends far too soon. She knew she hadn't called much in a year and a half, she hadn't texted much, she hadn't visited, she had, in short, failed to be that good of a friend. And now, she didn't want to go through interrogations either.

“Hi,” Ashlyn held Finlay against her chest tightly as she leaned over the nursery counter to talk with the caretaker that was currently sitting at the computer. “I'm Doctor Ashlyn Harris, this is my son Finlay, he's six months. It's uh... our first day.”

“Oh, I see,” a pretty ginger looked up and smiled, standing to take Finely. “I'm Amy. Don't worry doctor, we'll take very good care of Finlay, and you can come hang out with him at any moment, and pick him up whenever you want. Is anyone else allowed to pick him up for you?”

“No,” Ashlyn anxiously looked from the baby to the woman, and kissed his forehead, feeling emotional. “Okay buddy, this is it. I'll see you very soon, you just nap and have fun, okay? It's going to be fine.” Having to leave him, united to catching sight of the ring in her finger, made her voice hoarse with emotion. The caretaker seemed understanding.

“First time leaving him?”

“Yeah,” Ashlyn nodded, passing him on. Finlay looked at her anxiously, and then back at the caretaker. “It's just him and I, and in six months I haven't left him not even to go to the store,” she shrugged, “I'm a little anxious, that's all.”

“It's completely normal, why don't you come here in an hour? You can try to beat your time away from him afterwards, until it feels easier.”

“Yeah...” Ashlyn checked her watch. “Okay, I have to go. Thank you. Be a good boy sweetie, I love you so much.” She leaned to kiss his cheek and abruptly turned around and rushed to the lift, ignoring her son's cries and her own clenched heart, forcing herself to take deep breath after deep breath.

At last, she arrived at Chief Wambach's office in the seventh floor, the last one of the hospital, just a minute past six in the morning. She saw through the inside windows that the Chief was inside, and knocked on the doors until she heard the soft but strong female voice call her inside.

“Well hello, Chief,” Ashlyn chuckled, coming inside, still looking anxious, but a little less. Chief Wambach's bright blue eyes looked up from her paperwork and she smiled, whistling in the air as she stood up.

“Ashlyn! Blessed are the eyes that see you, girl!” the Chief was hugging her tight before she had a chance to run. “I'm so happy you agreed to come back.”

“It's the best for Finlay and I was starting to hate America and Americans,” Ashlyn admitted, giving her a small smile. “So, Chief, uh? Youngest one of the century?”

“Could be,” Abby smiled, and then gave her the sad eyes Ashlyn hated. “How are you doing, mate?”

“I'm ready to go back to work,” Ashlyn quickly said. “It's been eight months away from surgery Abby, I'll go crazy, and I haven't forgotten how surgery goes Abby, I'm more than ready—,”

“I'm asking as your friend and mentor, Ashlyn, not as your boss or chief,” the older woman clarified, running a hand through her short bleached hair. “Glennon and I have been worried sick, you know? Everyone has. You didn't even call us for the funeral. You didn't call anyone. You just... disappeared. And we wanted to help, we still do. And Chris and Corey told me how even though they say you it was more like seeing a ghost.”

Ashlyn released a deep breath and nodded.

“I know. And I am very sorry I did things like that Abby but... there isn't really a book on how to handle something like... or if there is, I haven't read it. I am better now. I needed the distance, I needed to take care of things step by step... and you know how little Meredith's family likes me or my friends. They wouldn't let me invite anyone and I was trying to keep them happy so Finlay can still have that side of the family.”

“Oh so they do like Finlay? And what does 'was' mean?”

“They like him now, okay? And Mer was very clear, she was miserable about what happened, she wanted more for Finlay, she begged me to be forgiving... but yeah, was, because I've had enough. I'm sorry if it pisses Mer off, but now she's dead and she doesn't get a say in this,” Ashlyn stated firmly.

The Chief looked crestfallen but nodded.

“Well if there's anything I can do for you...”

“Give me patients?”

“Will do,” The Chief smiled. “But first, let me introduce you to everybody so you can meet the residents and interns and your colleagues, as well as your other boss, the Chief of Paeds. And we'll take you to your locker so you can get into your scrubs.”

“Right,” Ashlyn followed her friend outside the office. “So how did this Chief thing happen? Did Glen inspire you a ton?”

Abby laughed, shaking her head. Her white coat was open showing her stylish button-down shirt and vest, and she looked professional and grown.

“Chief Sermanni was sick of the job, early retirement. And I'm his favourite, he had been training me since I was out of Uni so... I'm ready. I love this job, honestly. Less surgeries and more paperwork but... makes me feel quite special. Glen for sure inspired me a lot, she makes me better.”

“Ah, love. Disgusting,” Ashlyn faked to vomit and by the time they arrived to the consultants' room, they were both laughing. The room was already full of people in white coats and dark blue scrubs, having the first teas and coffees of their shifts.

“Everyone's here! Fantastic!” Abby smiled and knocked on two doors in separate extremes of the room, that were locked with an ID card reader, each door having either a women's symbol or men's. “These are the lockers, Ash. Dude, everyone out, I have something important to say!” Abby shouted knocking in the doors.

After a few minutes, a number of surgeons had crowded around and Ashlyn felt intimidated, shy.

“Ashlyn Harris!” one of her best friends, Megan Rapinoe aka Pinoe, who was in Plastics, rushed to hug her. “Long time no see!”

“I have to admit I thought you'd bail in the last minute,” Ashlyn's cousin Corey smirked at her, tea in his hands.

One by one, old friends came to give hugs while the rest of the doctors arrived, which helped Ashlyn to avoid conversation.

“All right, everyone shut up!” Abby cut the chatting and murmurs in the room. “Everyone, this is Doctor Ashlyn Harris. Many of you may know her already as one of the very finest residents we've ever had, but for the rest of you, this is our brand new Paediatric Consultant, fresh from the prestigious New York Presbyterian. Treat her well, we already lost her once I'm not losing her twice.”

“Aw, don't worry Chief, she loves English breakfast too much to leave twice,” Tobin, a tall guy with warm brown eyes and a slight stubble, smiled at Ashlyn across the room. Ashlyn smiled back and nodded.

“Right, nice to meet you all,” Ashlyn nodded. “If you'll excuse me, I'll just go change...”

She avoided all eyes, and rushed to the locker room, her heart pounding with nerves. She really didn't enjoy introductions.

Knowing there still was some time before the interns did their rounds and reported to the speciality Registrars (StR), who would then have to report to her, Ashlyn didn't rush herself as she abandoned her suit, carefully hanging it in her locker, and put on her sports shoes and her dark blue scrubs. As she was lowering her t-shirt on her tattooed, muscular torso, she stared at herself in the mirror, checking her small bun was still firmly hold in place, and saw a brunette staring at her behind her. The other doctor smiled at her through the mirror and Ashlyn raised an eyebrow.

“Seeing anything you like?” Ashlyn joked with a smirk.

“Sorry,” the other woman side-smiled, and Ashlyn turned around to face her. “I was just checking out your double scoliosis. Surprised you didn't have it operated on,” Ashlyn frowned slightly and the woman smiled bigger. “Dr Kelley O'Hara, ortho,” she explained, offering a hand that Ashlyn shook, nodding as she relaxed.

“Right. Nice to meet you. As for my back, it's under control. I love surgery, but I find ortho a little too... extreme sometimes. My physiotherapist keeps me happy, and my cousin is your colleague, so I have the right help.”

“Your cousin...?”

“Corey Habovick,” Ashlyn explained, and Kelley nodded.

“Corey, yeah, he's one of the good ones. Didn't know you were cousins.”

“The trick is on the nose. We share the Habovick nose,” Ashlyn joked pointing to her nose. Kelley snorted a laugh and nodded.

“Ash!” Ashlyn was surprised to see her very oldest friend, Whitney Engen, rush to her, her blonde hair thrown back in a ponytail and her usually placid, nice expression, turned aggressive. She slapped her shoulder. “Bitch! When were you going to call me, uh?” Kelley stared surprised at them.

“I'm sorry Whit,” Ashlyn offered. “Dinner tonight? We'll catch up.” Whitney softened and shook her head, bringing her in for a tight hug.

“I missed you.”

“Me too, believe it or not.”

“You guys know each other?” Kelley inquired, curious.

“Knowing each other is an understanding,” Whitney stepped back, squeezing Ashlyn's cheek with a small smile. The other consultants by their lockers around them were still getting ready and gathering their pagers. Whitney's sweet brown eyes checked Ashlyn up and down while she crossed her pale arms over her chest. “Ash and I go way back, met in daycare, best friends since. Or so I thought until this one bloody disappeared and went to New York.”

“Gee, that's quite the escape,” Kelley snorted, putting her brown hair into a bun and shoving her scrubs cap into her pocket, “but explains how weird your accent has gotten, too much time surrounded by Americans. What brings you back?”

“Family,” Ashlyn shrugged, and checked her watch. “Uh, sorry ladies, but I don't want to be late on my first day back or my students won't respect me. See you for lunch?” she added glancing quickly at Whitney as she threw on her white coat. Whitney nodded and let her go.

Ashlyn rushed down the marble corridor and downstairs to the nurses station, going to get her patients' charts. She read them quickly and heard the StR on her service for the day was Dr Christen Press. Just when she was about to page her, Dr Press appeared out of nowhere followed by four FY doctors.

“Dr Harris?” the doctor Ashlyn had to assume was Press asked, with bright green eyes looking up at her. She was beautiful.

“Dr Press, I assume,” Ashlyn nodded and Press nodded too. “These are our patients for the day, now follow me,” Ashlyn and Christen led the way, rushing to the Paeds ward. “A lot of Junior Doctors think that Paeds is soft, so I'm going to warn you just once. To be a Paeds surgeon, you have to be the most badass of the badass, the toughest, the strongest mentally and emotionally, fast and relentless. Children recover faster, live in a world of wonder and magic, and bounce back better, but they also get sicker faster and in worsen faster, are the most sensitive, have the least resistance to pain, and will drive you nuts faster,” she continued to instruct them as they rushed down the subsequent corridors. “I want you to be capable of comforting them, joining in their games when necessary to make them feel better because we have to do the impossible and beyond to make them feel as comfortable as possible and not let their sometimes years long hospital stays become a traumatic experience that screws them up for life, you have to be prepared to lose the lives of babies, toddlers, children, to see them suffer and scream in agony, to think solutions quickly in those situations, and to emphasize and comfort very anxious parents. If you kill one of my patients, I will find you.”

“Dr Harris, how often should I report to you?” Dr Press asked, looking up at Ashlyn with a game-on expression the senior doctor fancied.

“Keep me updated as often as you can, I don't want anyone to die because they were afraid to page me and be chastised,” Ashlyn said to her, and opened the door to the first patient's room.

  
  



	2. Abnormal conversations

A five hour surgery made Ashlyn late for her lunch with Whitney, but at last, and after a quick visit to Finlay, she was in the cafeteria. She would've preferred to have her lunch with her son in daycare, but she knew she couldn't avoid her friends for much longer, and the more she pushed it back, the worse it would get.

Tired, she held back a yawn as she washed her hands profusely after the surgery. She had just lost an eight year old and wasn't feeling too hungry, and even less as she stared at her golden band in her left hand. It moved a little now that she had gotten thinner, but she was sure it wouldn't fall off her finger. She let a long breath out and took off her cap, washing her face to freshen up.

“You should be here, Meredith,” she whispered to herself. “You bloody should.”

The walk to the cafeteria after seeing Finlay was done without much enthusiasm. She had her coat under one arm, exposing a full arm sleeve of tattoos in her left arm, and was wearing small earrings, two in each ear, her soft make-up already vanished, no longer hiding deep bags under her eyes.

Her old friends were all occupying two tables that had been pushed together by a large window, along with other doctors. She filled a tray with food and walked towards Corey, Whitney, Kelley, and her old friends and fellow doctors, Tobin Heath, who to her surprise had his arm wrapped around Dr Press and was kissing her cheek, Heather O'Reilly, Megan Rapinoe and Nick Cross, all of whom stood up to hug her and welcome back.

“So you and Dr Press?” Ashlyn smirked raising eyebrows at Tobin. “Didn't take you as the StRs type, mate.”

“Have you seen this beauty? Would've been a hard pass.” Tobin smirked while Christen blushed. “She was just telling me about the kid you just lost. Sorry mate, tough loss on the first day.”

“I'm in Paeds, every loss is a tough loss. By the way Dr Press, fantastic work, you're showing quite the potential for Paeds, have you decided on a speciality yet?” she added sitting down and looking up at the flattered doctor.

“Not yet, I'm very drawn to neuro,” she eyed her neurosurgeon of a boyfriend. “But cardio is so good, and paeds always brings a lot of satisfaction. Why did you pick paeds?”

“Had a badass consultant convince me after teaching me how to make a trachea for a child from scratch,” Ashlyn smirked. “I was amazed.”

“Comes very in handy when my kids are sick,” Corey pointed out. He was a father of two, a three-year-old boy named Jenson, and a year old girl named Raya.

Three ladies arrived looking stressed and tired, holding their trays. Everyone said hi and they were introduced to Ashlyn as Dr Julie Ertz, trauma, Dr Carli Lloyd, Chief of the Department of General Surgery, and Dr Becky Sauerbrunn, Chief of Neurosurgery.

“I heard you won the prestigious BMJ for UK Research Paper of the Year in your very first year as a StR,” Dr Lloyd commented. She looked serious, was older, and seemed to be the type to go straight to business. Ashlyn nodded, feeling her ears warm. She had made several outstanding publications and researches, and had won a couple medical awards of great importance, but everyone was always impressed at how early she had started receiving such recognitions.

“She's always been a winner,” Whitney smiled proudly, and elbowed her friend. “Where's Finlay? I thought you were going to bring him so we could meet him.”

“You got a boyfriend?” Christen asked surprised, because the senior gave her all the gay vibes.

“No, better, she has a son,” Pinoe explained, sitting back relaxedly. “A son we, her bestest friends, haven't even met yet and he's like a year old.”

“Six months,” Ashlyn corrected. “And he was happily sleeping, you'll meet him tonight or on another occasion. I don't want to drag him around and expose him to all the hospital illnesses.”

“Wise decision,” Heather Werry, nicknamed Hao, smiled at Ashlyn across the table. Hao used to be Meredith's best friend, and thus close friends of Ashlyn. “How are Meredith's parents?”

“As much of big snobs as always,” Ashlyn shoved some chips in her mouth. She hated discussing family matters, and even more in front of strangers, but she imagined it was her payment, because had she stayed in touch, this wouldn't be happening. “The grief didn't change them that much.”

“Meredith...” Julie looked thoughtful at Hao. “Your friend Dr Meredith Gali, the one who died?” Hao nodded.

“Ashlyn and Meredith were married, and moved together to New York City for some experimental treatment once Meredith got sick,” Hao explained as if she was talking about the weather, while Ashlyn tensed-up. “That's when we saw Ashlyn last. Now, Meredith is dead, we've all missed her funeral because we didn't even hear she was dead until weeks later, and their son is up in daycare.” She said with a little bit of resentment, glancing at Ashlyn, who sighed in exasperation.

“If you tell it like that, you make me look like a shit friend.”

“You kind of are,” said Nick, frowning at her. “We called you billions of times. Emailed you. Messaged you. We wouldn't even know you were alive if it wasn't for Corey.”

“Is that my pager?” Corey pulled it out, pretending to get an emergency as he sensed difficult topics. “Ups, see you later guys!” he ran away and Ashlyn glared at his back.

“It's not so hard to text your friends, who love you and care about you... and we were Mer's friends too. We didn't even get to say goodbye,” Whitney murmured.

“Was it cancer?” Dr Lloyd asked nonchalantly, looking at her friends.

“It was a weird, unknown illness,” Ashlyn murmured. “We first thought it was cancer, then she didn't respond to treatment and we went to New York to try some experimental thing she was convinced would cure her, and also because Meredith's family is from New York and she wanted to fix stranded relationships. But she got worse faster and faster. And we really wanted children, so at one point, my wife decided that since she was only worsening, she wanted to experiment as little of motherhood as she could and also don't leave me alone but leave me with a kid, don't ask me how she managed to convince me but... the woman always got her way with me,” Ashlyn shrugged, staring at her salad. “Flash forward and we've done IVF and gotten her pregnant with this beautiful boy she barely got to meet because the labour accelerated the process and she died a week later. And yes, I'm the terrible friend who didn't call a soul in the UK when that happened,” she stood up, picking up her half-empty tray. “I have to go.”

She ignored the calls of her friends and walked away, leaving her tray on the counter and rushing to check on her patients. After making sure all her patients were stable and she had a few minutes to herself, she walked up and to the nursery and found her son eating with a caretaker's aid. She substituted the caretaker and sat on a corner with her son up in her arms, smiling at her.

“Sorry about this day, love. I hate it too,” Ashlyn murmured while giving him his bottle. “Just wait, tonight it'll be good. We'll have a nice dinner at the Werrys. You'll see.”

Ashlyn's pager beeped and she looked down, seeing it was a 2222, which indicated one of her patients was crashing. Like lightning, she rushed to her feet, handed her son to a caretaker, and ran like hell.

Two hours later, she was back with the same patient who had been crashing after having operated on her once more, and passed the chart to the nurse.

“Page me directly if she goes down again, okay?” she whispered to the male nurse, who nodded.

“You're the new one, right?” he smiled charmingly at her.

“Kinda,” Ashlyn nodded.

“Kyle Krieger,” he offered her a hand to shake. “Nice to meet you.”

“You too,” Ashlyn shook his hand and smiled before walking away. She was just starting to calm her racing heart down when her pager went off again, this time with an emergency call to the A&E.

She arrived just as they rushed several patients in from the ambulances, and the room was filled with pained screams, shouted orders, and the smell of blood and tragedy.

“Dr Harris!” a brunette with piercing brown eyes called her with hands buried in an open stomach. “Here!”

Ashlyn ran to her and the doctors crowded around the patient, and saw it was a teenager with glass protruding out of her stomach.

“What have we got?” Ashlyn asked, putting on her gloves.

“A car crash, there was some problem with the belt and it came off. She's fifteen,” the brunette doctor who had called her explained. “I'm Dr Ali Krieger, Chief of Trauma. Can you take care of this? I've got an A&E full and inexperienced FY I have to oversee.”

“All mine, don't worry Dr Krieger, I've got this.”

Doctor Krieger was back to assist her just a few minutes later, as Ashlyn rushed the patient to the theatre at full speed. As they got control of the situation, Ashlyn's eyes moved to Ali's gloved hands inside the patient, close to her own. She then looked up and saw she was quite focused, staring into the patient with the brunette eyes with mascara that had first caught her attention. Her dark hair was up in a bun and covered with a purple cap with geometrical figures on it, way more serious than Ashlyn's cap of sharks.

“Krieger, uh?” Ashlyn commented lightly, breaking the tension in the room now that they had the situation under control. “What are the odds you're a relative of Nurse Kyle Krieger?”

“He's my big brother indeed,” Ali looked up at her and even though with the mask Ashlyn could only see her eyes, she was sure she was smiling at her. “He's a bit intimidated by the fact that I came to his hospital and got several ranks more being younger, so he'll be flattered you know me as his sister instead of the other way around.”

Ashlyn snorted a laugh.

“Classic sibling rivalry.”

“You got any siblings, Dr Harris?”

“A big brother as well,” Ashlyn nodded. “He's an air traffic controller, though, so we can't compete professionally. But I've got it with my cousin Corey. He's in Ortho here.”

“Then you know how it is,” Ali nodded. “Looks like we've got this under control. Think she'll survive the night?”

“If she does, she'll be out of the woods by the morning,” Ashlyn said, controlling a small bleeding. “You say you came to his hospital? Kyle's?”

“Yeah, I got here just a couple days ago,” Ali explained. “Kyle's been here his entire career. I used to work in Yorkshire. I'm from there. You?”

“Did my entire career here as well, then left for NYC a year and a half ago,” Ashlyn replied. “But I'm from Brighton. Like it here in London, though. Always did. How are you finding it so far?” she added, happy to not be discussing her private, dark memories anymore. For once in the whole day she could have a nice normal conversation with a woman with a charming Northerner accent.

Ali chuckled, shaking her head.

“Enormous.”

“It'll feel more like home soon, you'll see,” Ashlyn smiled warmly at her, and hoped she could see it in her eyes. “I could show you around sometime if you want.”

The older doctor nodded and looked up, locking eyes with her.

“I'd love that.” Ashlyn nodded right back at her and smiled to herself, feeling a comforting warmth in her stomach that she hadn't felt in a while.

  
  



	3. Freenemies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER:
> 
> All of this is FICTION. Even when there are characters named after and inspired on real people, and even when there might be real locations and historical events. It's still a FICTIONAL story, and it's not meant to detriment, insult or hurt anyone, but only with the purpose of entertainment.
> 
> I think we can all use some entertainment in our lives through these difficult times. I don't know you, but I've lost nearly everything over Covid. I no longer have a job, a career, and all my professional plans for this year are, as for now, cancelled. I can't even make any future professional plans as for now. I literally had to pack my bags, leave my first house since I moved out from my childhood home, and leave my friends there, my life there, everything, for God knows how long, so I could return home and take care of my elderly mother less than a week ago. And now I'm fighting to stay healthy so I can keep her healthy and take care of her, while we live on our savings, that's all we have left. And writing brings me a little bit of joy and for what I see, reading brings you a bit of joy too, and I think we can all use as much joy now as we can get. So that's the only purpose of fanfiction for me, nothing else, and certainly, nothing moved by some "white saviour complex" or a desire to deprecate anyone or anything.
> 
> Thank you all for your support and your comments. We will get through this, I don't know how, I don't know when, but we will. Trust me on this.

**Chapter 3: Freenemies.**

Ashlyn was used to dinner at the Werrys. Meredith and her had met in one, and continued to happily go to them hand-in-hand for years as they dated through their StR years. In one of them, they had three years before announced their engagement to their friends, and in another, they had had their first public fight. But it was weird to go there alone, without Meredith, now. It was depressing. It made Ashlyn uneasy and made her feel like she was about to throw up the entire time.

Her only comfort was that some of their other hospital friends would come, so it wouldn't be just Ashlyn and the lovebirds. Heather and her husband Dave were sickeningly cute, but to Ashlyn it was now a painful reminder of what she had lost.

The Werrys owned a beautiful Victorian house in North London, near the train, the overground, the underground and the buses, which made coming and going so easy that it was a good meeting point for their friends. Abby, her wife Glennon, Pinoe and her girlfriend Sue, Nick, Tobin, and Whitney went way back to their first days in hospital. At thirty-six, Abby was the youngest surgeon to have ever been appointed Chief of Surgery in the history of the hospital. She had previously been the Chief of General Surgery, and she was married to a successful writer, so she was pretty much winning in life. Pinoe was a consultant in Plastic Surgery, and her girlfriend Sue was a professional basketball player, so they never saw her much, but she tried to come to as many dinner as she could. Nick Cross was married and, just before Ashlyn left, had a daughter with his wife Molly, called Isabella. Ashlyn had heard Molly was taking the baby girl to visit her parents in Exeter for the week, as she had some holidays there but Nick had to work, so she wouldn't see them that night and she was secretly glad, because it would give her more time to come up with a decent apology. One didn't just ignore Molly a year and a half, she was a shark. As for Whitney, she was a Cardio consultant, but she was dating a firefighter so Ashlyn almost never saw him, and tonight was no exception.

“There you are!” Dave grinned at Ashlyn, hugging her tightly. “I missed you! You've lost weight!”

“Yeah, well,” Ashlyn smiled. “You look good Dave.”

“Thanks!” Dave moved aside to let her into a small, cosy entry hall. “Aw, is that our newest member of the gang?”

“Yeah, he's asleep,” Ashlyn looked down at the baby in the car seat she was holding from the handle with one hand, a bottle of wine in the other. She was wearing a nice dark red jumper over her shirt to look extra nice. “His name is Finlay. Finn.”

“Finn,” Dave chuckled, leaning to caress his cheek. “He's super handsome. Reminds me of you.”

“He's got my DNA,” Ashlyn explained. “And the Habovick nose.”

“Ah, that explains it! Come in, Heather is ready to kill you.”

They walked into the kitchen and Ashlyn put the baby and the wine forward to placate her friend, that smiled and hugged her before drooling over Finlay. They put him up on the master bed surrounded by pillows so he wouldn't fall off, even though he didn't move much yet, and watched by the baby monitor Ashlyn had brought over so she could watch him from the kitchen downstairs. Then Dave poured her a glass of beer and Heather and her sat in the big table in the enormous kitchen while Dave cooked.

“What happened, Ash?” Whitney asked looking sadly at her. Ashlyn sighed, shaking her head.

“I don't know. It all happened so fast, Whit,” Ashlyn allowed her walls to come down after a long, hard day, in the comfort of the Werrys' house. “One minute she was healthy and we were happy newlyweds and the next she was getting so sick so fast...”

“How did she get pregnant being so sick?” Dave asked softly, sitting down with them as the food cooked in the oven.

“There was a moment of great improvement. We thought she had cured, and so we went for it. We found out she was worsening again right when we found out Finlay was three months in the making,” Ashlyn explained. “And once the doctors saw that her illness was somehow not affecting him in the womb, she refused to have an abortion. We fought so bad because they were saying this could kill her faster... but she was determined to have him. Said that way I wouldn't be left alone. Said she was doomed to die anyway, so she might as well save her son first.”

“Fuck, Ash, I'm so sorry,” Whitney reached to squeeze her hand. “It must've been so hard for you.”

“It was, it is,” Ashlyn nodded. “I didn't have time to call anyone, okay? You see it as a year and a half... to me, it was like three months. It was so busy, so stressful, and I was so anxious and worried all the time that I couldn't gather the energy to talk about it with anyone. I didn't have it in me to text or anything and I hardly had it to visit the family now and then and I know that makes me a terrible friend but... I tried to spend every free moment trying to figure out what was happening to the love of my life. Doing research. Monitoring our unborn child, trying to help, thinking I was going to lose them both...”

“And now the situation with Chris,” Dave sighed sadly. “Damn it.”

“Have you seen him?” Whitney asked gently, rubbing Ashlyn's hand.

“Yes,” Ashlyn replied, looking down at her glass. “He's an addict, Whit. We might've put him in the detox centre, but he's an addict and... it's going to take more than that. And Nana is getting worse. She's deep in Senile Dementia now.”

“I'm sorry,” Whitney and Dave said at once, and she squeezed Ashlyn's hand. “We're here for you, okay? We can babysit too, if you want to visit them...”

“It's okay,” Ashlyn nodded. “I just want to forget about this and have fun tonight, okay? I want to know what's going on in your lives too.”

“Guess who's getting a dog!”

They chatted enthusiastically as the others arrived too, and once the classical group was there, Ashlyn was informed between jokes and laughter that three new friends from the hospital would also come. Ashlyn knew Christen, Tobin's girlfriend who had arrived with him, but Ali would also join because 'poor thing has no friends yet', as well as Kelley, and their StR friends Sydney Dwyer and Alex Morgan, three years younger than Ashlyn. Heather, Pinoe and Abby were the typical ones to befriend everyone in the hospital, and it didn't seem like people minded she was the Chief now. There was one simple rule.

“What happens outside the hospital, stays outside the hospital,” Alex Morgan explained, directing her bright blue eyes to Ashlyn over her second glass of wine.

“Thanks for the invite, by the way,” Ali said smiling at Heather. She was even more beautiful than in the hospital. Out of her scrubs, she wore a tight grey turtle necked jumper with jeans and some make-up, had a smile that brightened-up the room, and her dark hair fell in loose waves over her shoulder.

“Welcome to the cool people's club,” Pinoe joked with a friendly smile over her plate of lasagne. “So when do we get to meet little Finlay, Ash?”

Just then, a strangled cry came from upstairs.

“Looks like now,” Ashlyn stepped up and ran upstairs. She had her son tucked in his blanket between her arms in a second, and he immediately soothed down, but Ashlyn knew he needed Mama time. She had been gone all day and he wasn't used to that and craved her warmth, smell, company. “Okay, no overexciting the kid,” she warned back in the kitchen, keeping her son against her chest.

“Oh, let us see!” Whitney pleaded. “I've got baby fever.”

“Wait for your turn, I'm the Chief,” Abby joked, pretending to go first. Ashlyn side smiled and rolled eyes,

Ashlyn returned to her seat and carefully sat leaning back to support Finlay against her chest, caressing his short, fuzzy blonde hair while her friends tried to get as much of him as possible. Compliments immediately followed, as it often happened when Finlay entered a room. He was so cute, so handsome, so chubby, and look at that dimple, and so on. Ashlyn, her Dad, and her son, all shared a single dimple in one cheek. Her Dad had it in the right one, Ashlyn and her son in the left, but it was genetics. Heather was attentive of his nappies and his baby bottles, and Ashlyn quickly felt more relaxed than she had in months, enjoying not being the only one with an eye on the baby.

“How long are you staying?” Sydney, a mixed-race young woman with the kindest expression, was quickly fond of Ashlyn, and vice-versa, after Ashlyn found out Sydney had not one but two children with her husband, who encouraged her to have some solo time with her friends once a week so she wouldn't go crazy with motherhood and her busy job.

“I think permanently,” Ashlyn replied, observing as Finlay examined his stuffed shark. “My family kind of need me around, and I don't really have anywhere else to go. I hate the US, and I pretty much grew up in our hospital, so it feels good being there. And Finlay will have access to good schools once the time comes.”

“Welcome home then,” Sydney said cheerfully. “You know Ali here was in the Army? She just came home too!”

Ashlyn's head shot up and glanced at Ali, who blushed, drinking from her glass of wine.

“You what?” Ashlyn asked, surprised.

“Major Alexandra Krieger from the Royal Medical Corps,” Ali explained offering a polite smile. “Been gone five years. Was going to return to Yorkshire to my family, but my Mum lives in Bristol and I was offered a good position here as the Chief of Trauma so... it was a good plan. Plus my brother works in the same hospital, and my family in Yorkshire would much rather have me here than in war zones.”

The paediatric surgeon nodded slowly, impressed. That explained why Ali looked so fit and strong, like she did plenty of exercise.

“Welcome home then indeed, Major,” Ashlyn said, visibly impressed, and Ali smiled in a way that made her stomach warm once more.

“Ali is okay,” she said. “I think we're in first-name basis, now.” Ashlyn couldn't help the broad smile she got as she nodded.

The rest of the dinner went fine, as Ashlyn got to know her new colleagues and catch up with her old friends, finding all about their current lives and what she had missed out on. By the time they moved onto the three-piece suite in the living room to enjoy some cake and drink some more, it felt as if they were all old friends, and laughter was coming quite easily, accompanied at times with tears of laughter. Finlay had woken up but wasn't being fuzzy, simply enjoying being in Ashlyn's arms and only making her get up once to change his nappies and warm a bottle of milk for him. Now, he was simply chilling in his mother's arms as Auntie Whitney made funny faces that made his eyes widen and his fists reach out.

There was a moment of silence, and Ashlyn knew what was going to happen. It was that silence after a good laugh, when thoughts settle down and someone gathers enough courage to break it with an uncomfortable topic.

“So may we know now,” Glennon murmured softly, her blue eyes moving carefully towards Ashlyn, “how did Mer... what happened in the end? The experimental treatment failed, then? No idea what she had in the end?”

Ashlyn understood they needed to know. Meredith had done her FY years with some of them, her StRs with most of them, and were friends for a long time. Ashlyn and Meredith had been united at the hip from the start, dated quickly, got engaged even quicker, and married in the blink of an eye, ready to spend forever together. And those were happy times for the group. But then, they had both rushed to New York without much time for goodbyes because Meredith was getting so suddenly ill and so badly, and both of them had lost touch with their old lives, her illness becoming the centre of their world instead. So their friends had missed Meredith too, and yearned for her, and prayed for them both, only to one day be told by Abby that she was dead, when Ashlyn decided to return to London and, upon finding out Abby was the new Chief, calling her and telling her everything.

So Ashlyn couldn't be angry, but she still needed a deep breath and a sip of her rum and coke to answer. Thankfully she was comfortable with everyone there, and the newbies seemed too intrigued by her, having heard so much about Ashlyn and Meredith from their friends over time, to be bothered by the topic.

“It seemed to work at first, when we decided to go for Finlay,” Ashlyn began with a soft tired voice. “I was sure it was working, otherwise I wouldn't have allowed... looking back, she was probably faking it so I'd agree to get her pregnant. And then a few months later she just... she went downhill so fast. She had no energy, she was losing weight, she started having organ failure... Finlay was actually a month and a half premature because of that. I wanted to abort him so she could continue her treatment. But you know Meredith.”

“She wasn't one to give up motherhood,” Nick admitted sadly.

“Poor thing,” Whitney nodded in agreement.

“She was so bloody excited with having the kid. And I kept saying, what's the point if you're going to die? If you may even kill him if you die pregnant anyway?” Ashlyn went on, staring at the back of her son's head as she helped him sit up so he could observe his surroundings better, as he liked. “But she was unreasonable. And I was exhausted, and she was very convincing, and so in the end she managed to convince me to just sit back and enjoy the little time together we had, leave me a long list of things she wanted for Finlay, persuade me to name him like she wanted and to try and stablish good post-mortem relationships with her parents, who are complete homophobic bastards. She gave up on getting better, specifically requested no autopsy, and forced me to give up as well,” she shrugged off and sighed. “So in the end, she was super pregnant and super sick, and I was growing increasingly distressed thinking that she was going to make Finlay ill too because I'm a Paediatric Surgeon and I know the drill and by then I had already been promoted to consultant in the hospital where I was working there... and I convinced her to just induce the labour. But after Finlay was born, he was miraculously completely healthy but she suddenly just... it got out of control,” she shook her head at the memory. “She got so sick so fast in a matter of days she was pretty much a vegetable on a bed. She didn't recognize me or her parents, she barely remembered giving birth to Finlay, she could hardly breathe, and her organs were shutting down. She only survived a week before... she died in her sleep. Painless. And as she requested, we cremated her and threw her ashes from the bloody Niagara Falls, and then I tried with all of me to get along with her family, give Finlay that side of his family... but it was impossible. And so I threw the long list of Meredith's requests into the fireplace and came here.”

A bitter-sweet silence fell upon them and for a few moments, all they could hear was the wood burning in the fireplace and their breathing. At last, Whitney wrapped an arm around Ashlyn's shoulders and kissed the top of her head.

“I'm glad you came. Didn't she want you to come back and be with _your_ family? She knew her parents were jerks.”

“In her illness-induced state, she got along with them, believe it or not,” Ashlyn snorted incredulous, smiling tiredly at her friend. “She made me promise I'd give it a year. And that if it didn't work, I could return to London. But she always hated how little sun London has, always dreamed Finlay would have her childhood in her neighbourhood with the sun and walks around Central Park and all that crap. And I was saying yes to whatever she wanted. But you know what? She's dead. And she's dead because she refused to put herself first so I'm not going to do it now, I don't care what I promised or what she wrote in her will. London may be rainy but Finlay has a bunch of people who actually love him and are not homophobic bastards, and that's what matters. And New York Presbyterian? Bunch of egocentric arseholes, in my humble opinion.”

“You did great,” Ali opined, reaching to fill her glass with more whiskey. She needed a strong drink now. “She was a little selfish demanding so much of you, you should do what makes you happy. You have a right to be happy too, not just... quit your life and do whatever a ghost says.”

“Yeah,” Tobin nodded in agreement. “God knows I loved Meredith, but she could be an attention-seeking, selfish Barbie. She made you write a freaking marriage proposal in the sky.” The memory made them laugh and Ashlyn chortled, looking at Tobin.

“It was so expensive! My whole salary of a month in it!”

“That's so romantic!” Alex Morgan awed, her big blue eyes getting a little teary. “I didn't take you for the cheesy type, Harris.”

“This one? Cheesiest of the cheesy,” Dave pointed out. “She drooled after Meredith. She'd do anything she said, including giving away very good surgeries.”

“One second, if Meredith was American, what was she doing here?” Sydney inquired, looking at the group with long dark eyelashes framing her dark eyes.

“Her parents kicked her out when she was sixteen and came out of the closet,” Ashlyn explained. “And she had some money saved because her grandfather died, and she was his little princess and left her a bunch of money before he died, behind her parents' backs. So she came to London, looking forward to starting a new life away from her family. Got a scholarship, and her good grades just paved the way to becoming a really fine neurosurgeon. We did our FYs together, stayed together since, studied together, prepared together, decided our specialities together... and she never had a desire to return to NYC until she got sick and New York Presbyterian called me to work with them in this... experimental cure for unknown, weird diseases, initially for children but I thought perhaps it could work on Meredith. And she got excited, said she could be the first trial, if it worked on her it was more likely to work on children.”

“It would be fantastic if that clinical trial went on and was successful,” Megan commented, leaning forward with interest. “What's of it now?”

“Well I don't know. I gave it my best, but after Meredith died...” Ashlyn shook her head, thoughtful. “I don't think it can work. I told them it was crazy, we can't just find a general cure for a wide range of unknown diseases, each with different symptoms, each needs their own cure. So I quit the job. Last I did for it was give a generous donation before I came back, but honestly? I don't think it'll ever work. The whole idea was crazy to begin with.”

Her pager suddenly went off and she grabbed it, frowning as she saw it was an emergency for the patient she had performed surgery on that morning. She had told Kyle to just page her if anything went south.

“I thought you weren't on call?” Heather said as Ashlyn jumped to her feet.

“I'm not, but I told Ali's brother that if my twelve year old cancer girl coded again I wanted to be paged directly, so I really have to go. Can I leave Finlay with you?”

“Sure, I'll take him to the nursery for you in the morning,” Heather said, taking him into her arms.

“Great. Love you,” Ashlyn kissed his head. “I'm sorry I have to go, this was nice.”

“Go save that kid!”

“Need an extra hand?” Ali inquired as Ashlyn grabbed her coat.

“No, chances are he's dead already, but thanks.” Ashlyn smiled sadly at her, and ran out the door, thanking her lucky stars she hadn't drunk so much.

  
  



	4. Death and all its friends

**Chapter 4: Death and all its friends.**

Three in the morning found Ashlyn declaring a twelve year old dead after an extensive surgery, and slumping out of the theatre and into the nearest on-call room, where she fell asleep a moment after touching the bed, being awoken several hours later by a gentle shake. As her eyelids opened, she was met with the beautiful brown eyes of Ali Krieger, who was smiling sweetly at her, dressed for work already.

“Ali?” Ashlyn said sleepily, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. “What are you doing here? What time is it?”

“Just close to eight,” Ali replied, finding her incredibly cute with that sleepy face and her bun half undone. “Kyle told me what happened last night, and I thought I'd bring you some breakfast,” she pointed with her head to the little table in the room, where, next to Ashlyn's pager, was a tray with a sandwich and a coffee. Ashlyn felt quite touched at the gesture.

“Oh, thank you, you didn't have to...”

“It's my pleasure,” Ali shrugged. “Not quite my favourite comfort food, but options were very limited,” she half-smiled, and Ashlyn felt her stomach flip at that. She smiled timidly in return and reached for the coffee, taking a long sip.

“How did you know how I like my coffee?”

“Whit told me,” Ali shrugged. “Also when you're ready, I need a consult. I have a sixteen year old girl in the A&E who is pregnant and wants an abortion, and I need someone from Paeds to talk to her. I think she might've been sexually abused but she specifically requests you and won't let anyone else touch her.”

“Really?” Ashlyn frowned, taking a bite of her sandwich. “What's her name?”

“Melinda Parker. She's blonde, blue eyes...”

“Uhm...” the younger doctor shrugged. “No idea. It's fine, I'll take care of it. Thank you, Ali.”

“No problem. I'm here for you if you need anything...”

“I'm fine, but thanks.”

They exchanged one last smile and with a nod, Ali left. A few minutes later, once she had brushed her teeth and fixed her bun, Ashlyn appeared in the A&E, calm at those hours of the morning, despite being a Saturday. Some teens and young adults were recovering from a night of too much fun, but aside from that, it was mostly calm. Ali saw her and walked her to the patient, Melinda Parker, who was on a bed with her arms around a small belly.

“Hello Melinda, I'm Doctor Ashlyn Harris, did you call me?” Ashlyn smiled warmly at her.

“Yes,” the young girl nodded, looking nervously at her, “my friend Dana said you operated on her burst appendix years back and you're the best one there is.”

“I don't know if I am, but I do try my best,” Ashlyn said. “Did you come here alone?”

“Yes... I don't want my parents to know I'm here,” Melinda said. “I want you to deal with this,” she pointed to her lightly swollen belly. “I'm pregnant. I don't want to be.”

“I see,” Ashlyn nodded slowly.

“I'll leave you to it,” Ali said. “Nice to meet you Melinda.” She smiled at the patient, and left. Ashlyn sighed, looking back at the teenager.

“If you want an abortion, Melinda, you should have an adult here with you. It's a tough process, you'll need someone to drive you home afterwards, take care of you. I can't release you on your own after something like this.”

“You will have to. I'll sign my discharge against medical advice or whatever,” Melinda shrugged. “Look, this was an accident, okay? This wasn't supposed to happen. And I want it over with.”

“May I examine you then?” Melinda bit her lip nervously, but nodded. Ashlyn put on her gloves and, as she approached her, she spotted Melinda's clothes on a chair, as she had already changed into a gown. Ali had left them so she would see there was some blood in her underwear, which was probably why she thought there had been abuse.

Two hours later, Ashlyn found Ali getting out of the theatre after a surgery.

“You were right,” Ashlyn said, eyeing Ali as she took off her cap and walked alongside her. “Melinda was assaulted. It took me good half an hour, but eventually I convinced her to let me take the evidence before the abortion and she agreed to talk to the police and at last, let me call her parents, who picked her up once everything was done. I think they're good, they'll take care of her.”

“Woah,” Ali sighed. “I really didn't want to be right.”

“Sucks, but at least she had good folks. Other parents aren't so sweet, these were crying and holding her and... it was moving.”

“Talking about parenting,” Ali elbowed her playfully. “Checked your boy yet? I have to admit I passed by to look at him though the window before my surgery, lifts my spirits.” Ashlyn laughed at that.

“Yeah, on my way here I passed by and apologized profusely to him. Heather told me he was a good boy overnight, but I did miss him.”

“He's very sweet. Just like his mother.”

“Oh, smooth, Krieger,” Ashlyn looked amused and flattered at her. “How can you tell?”

“It's all in the eyes,” Ali shrugged timidly. “See you at lunch time?”

“Likely.”

Just as they settled that, both their pagers beeped with urgency and they ran at once, side by side, to the A&E, where a big emergency was coming in, filling the place with chaos. There had been a train wreck and multiple victims were coming in with burns, cuts, lacerations, and some, dead. There were people of all ages and soon, they found themselves immersed in chaos, dealing with a range of patients as they supervised FY and StR doctors, shouting orders here and there and getting patients to the theatre or to other rooms for treatment.

When lunch time finally came and they were finally free enough to allow themselves a lunch break, it was a relief. Ashlyn went to get Finlay and after spending some minutes with him, went to the cafeteria to the table where her friends were already coming and sitting to eat some before another emergency came and took them away.

“What a crazy morning with the train accident, am I right?” Pinoe flopped on the seat next to Ashlyn, with Ali coming behind.

“You don't say. I've lost six already,” Ali sighed in defeat. “I hate train accidents.”

“Thankfully they don't happen often,” Sydney commented, sat next to Ali. “Although we do have an awful lot of stabbings lately.”

“Christen, can you look after my post-ops?” Ashlyn turned to Christen, who was on her service all month. “I have two surgeries scheduled and won't be out of the theatre until late today, and I need someone to keep the Junior Doctors under control in the paediatric wing and don't kill my patients.”

“I'll take care of it,” Christen said, quickly sipping the rest of her tea and getting up. “As a matter of fact, I better run. The kid with the broken leg is driving me nuts.”

“Good luck,” Ashlyn bid her farewell before Christen got up and ran away to take care of their patients.

“Has anyone seen Tobs?” Crystal Dunn sat on the seat Christen had vacated, giving a bite to her croissant. “We have a craniotomy in an hour and I wanted to go through the plan once more before it.”

“She's probably sleeping somewhere,” Pinoe pointed out. “Who wants to watch me build a beautiful arse?”

“Oh, gee!” Ali threw the wrapping of her sandwich at her playfully and Ashlyn laughed. “Eating here!”

“Okay so talking about opening someone's brain is lunch suitable but not an arse? Wait until I tell you about this guy whose entire face we're breaking to get a brain tumour out of...”

Ashlyn giggled at her amused friends while Pinoe went on trying to disgust Ali playfully. She realized then how much she had missed this, her friends being silly talking about surgeries and teasing each other until everyone was cracking up and relaxed. She really needed them.

“So you and Krieger, uh?” hours had passed and Ashlyn and Nick were focused on a young kid who had a tumour in his lung. Ashlyn had been enjoying the quietness and peacefulness of the theatre, focused on the surgery and her hands, and Nick's question came unexpectedly.

“What do you mean?” Ashlyn frowned. “There's nothing between Krieger and I.”

“Aside from the heart eyes,” Nick said.

“And the smiles,” Christen added, next to Ashlyn. “You guys drool after each other.”

Ashlyn's frown turned into a scowl and her hazel eyes went from Nick's dark eyebrows furrowed in concentration to Christen's sightly dark face, trying to find any sign that they were joking.

“Oh you're not joking,” she snorted. “Well I don't know what you're talking about. Krieger and I are colleagues. Friends at most, we just met. And I am a grieving widow, I just lost my wife, I'm not exactly dying to date again. I already met the love of my life, you know? And her ashes are floating in the Hudson river. Besides, Krieger's not even gay.”

“That nervous ramble says it all,” Nick said. “I'm not saying you go and marry Krieger, Ashlyn. I'm just saying sex is... a good way to get the hormones of happiness to cheer you up for free and without compromise.”

“And Doctor Krieger is gay,” Sydney Dwyer intervened, being Nick's StR. “I caught her flirting with Nurse Ella yesterday morning, agreeing on a date tonight.”

“See?” Nick pointed out. “And she's hot, she understands grief, I bet she's getting her mind off war things herself.”

“Nick, stop it,” Ashlyn snapped. “I don't want sex, okay? With anyone. I don't want to date, I don't want to get involved, I don't want... anything. I just want to perform surgeries and go home to my son, that's all.”

“Gee, fine,” Nick puffed. “I'm just trying to help.”

“I appreciate it, but don't. Neither of you know what it is like. You're happy with Molly and Isabella, you have everything you could possibly want, and you don't even want to start and imagine what would be of you if Molly died now. So you don't understand what losing Mer...” she felt her voice get hoarse and took a deep breath. “Let's just leave it, okay?”

“Fine...”

The hospital was enormous and full of places to hide when you wanted some alone time. When Ashlyn finally got out of surgeries at night, with her former wife deep in her thoughts, she was desperate for that alone time, so much she didn't even consider going to see Finlay first. She made her way down known corridors, through private areas, and finally, up a thin stairwell to her favourite hiding spot, a small balcony where air conditioner machines were, and from where in a good night, she could see thousands of stars, despite it being the City.

But to her surprise, she wasn't alone. A low sob told her someone was already there and in the darkness, she saw a figure looking down out of the balcony with her arms on the banister. The light from the street illuminated tears falling down the cheeks of no other than Ali Krieger.

“Hey,” Ashlyn said, figuring it was too late to turn back. Ali looked up at her and forced a small smile.

“Hi,” Ali sniffled and rubbed the tears off her face. “Sorry.”

“Why?” Ashlyn elbowed her playfully, just like the trauma surgeon had done hours before. “Tough loss?”

“Something like that,” Ali nodded. “I was, uh... thinking of uhm...”

“You don't have to tell me if you don't want,” Ashlyn said softly.

“You see, I've no friends here. I mean, our group is all that I...” Ali shrugged, trying to explain, and took a deep breath to calm herself. “It's hard to keep friendships from Bahrain.”

“Bahrain?”

“I went with the troops that were deployed to fight ISIS. I was taking care of refugees, children, families with no access to medicine in any other way, and soldiers,” Ali explained. “I've also been in Afghanistan, and the last couple years in Iraq. The little times I could have a break and come to the UK, I usually... made the visits short. Never felt like I could fit in again, you know?”

Ashlyn nodded slowly, and stood next to her, looking towards the horizon of London.

“My wife was in the medical corps too, the American ones,” Ashlyn commented. “The stories were... heart-wrenching.”

“You never went?”

“Me? No, I had a... complicated situation at home, my family needed me. I saw Meredith go and come back to me, and the experience was hard enough as it was, didn't want to have my family experiment the pain I suffered of seeing someone you love go and... maybe get killed.”

“Yeah...” Ali nodded in agreement. “It took me a long time to decide to go there,” she added in a whisper, rubbing her eyes before staring into the horizon as well. “But I had this patient who was a soldier, and he was telling me how hard things were there, how much medical aid was needed... and I didn't have much to lose. My parents are divorced and were starting new lives with other people, my brother had drifted apart, he wasn't the man you see today... not my story to tell. But point is—,”

“You felt if you couldn't be that useful here, you might as well go,” Ashlyn finished for her. Ali stared at her for a moment, feeling surprised by her understanding, and nodded.

“Exactly. And I was a StR back then, and... I so needed to grow up. To learn more. To come back stronger and better. That's why I was appointed Head of Department so young. Chief Wambach knew I had managed incredible accomplishments abroad and I was ready to come home.”

“But it still doesn't feel like you fit in, right? Like... like it's real. You walk around and people are crying about the latest IPhone, there's so much frivolity and nobody understands what true horror is like the way you do.”

Ali couldn't help to stare at Ashlyn in awe. She had never felt so understood back in the UK, she always felt like an alien walking around the hospital. And there stood Ashlyn, saying just what she was afraid to say out loud. Feeling observed, the younger woman turned and smiled small at her, giving her a little nod of encouragement.

“Yeah,” Ali whispered, staring into the beautiful, small hazel eyes. Ashlyn had long dark hair with a lot of blonde dye creating highlights and making most of her hair almost white. Now, all in a messy bun, it looked like a great mixture of tonalities. “I had a patient today who wanted for me and Whitney to help him die. He was an army veteran, young, discharged because he was declared mentally unfit after a bomb exploded and killed his whole platoon. He had been, at the time, operated in the lungs for related injuries, and it never quite healed properly, he kept developing issues... poor thing came pretty much unable to breathe anymore, he needed a transplant. But he refused it. He only wanted to die. We tried to talk him out of it, get someone from psych to talk to him... but nothing worked. We told him assisted suicide is illegal, so he rejected treatment, completely opposed it, and signed a Do Not Resuscitate order. Then he said if we tried to treat him once he was unfit to reject it, he'd kill himself. And normally, I would've still done everything to help him, I would've gone out of my way to get him in psych after surgery and saved him... but he was begging me, Ash. I had tried to use my experience to convince him to let us find him a new pair of lungs, but he started crying and begging me to just let him go. And precisely because I've seen what he's seen... I had to let him go. So when he started coding and we had to rush him to surgery... I purposely underperformed so he'd die. Whit doesn't know and I've endangered my license and...”

“What a horrible day,” Ashlyn interrupted her. “I'm sorry it was so tough on you, you don't have to explain anymore. I won't say a thing.”

“Thank you,” Ali's eyes were glassy again and she smiled sadly at him. “I feel so guilty. But... I know what he was going through. And he was just going to keep getting sick, finding lungs is so hard... he was doomed to suffer so much more. I felt it was only patriotic to let him have his way, you know?” she sounded so sad it broke Ashlyn's heart. “He gave it all for us, least I could do was let him go. I only pray Whitney doesn't realize what I've done and demands an explanation, and that no one else goes to the Chief and reports me. We weren't alone in the OR.”

“Where you very obvious?”

“I don't think so. I worked to repair some artery a little slow, got the Junior Doctor in my charge to intervene as much as possible, with the excuse of teaching them... when they inevitably made a mistake, I did my best to be slow to fix it, and Whitney was busy with her own part... I don't think she saw. Would you... check for me? And if she says anything to you... Ash, I know I'm asking for a lot but I can't lose this job and my license. Please.” Ali gave her pleading, puppy eyes, and Ashlyn nodded, reaching to squeeze her hand on the banister.

“Don't worry about it. I let my own wife die,” Ashlyn murmured. “I know sometimes it's just merciful to go against our oath. More humane. And Whitney would understand. Her grandfather died in Iraq.”

“Oh...”

“She won't report you. Between you and I, I had the nastiest teens... she was so strict to the rules and I was such a rule breaker. Got her to let go a little, you know? And she saw me break the rules a bunch of times, but never betrayed my trust. Never. She won't betray yours either. I think she quite admires you.”

“How do you know?” Ali inquired then.

“I see the way she looks at you like you're Superwoman, which you kinda are,” Ashlyn winked, trying to cheer her up, and Ali smiled sadly. Burying a hand in her pocket, Ashlyn pulled out a small package of tissues and handed it to Ali, who took one muttering thanks to her and blew her nose.

“Thank you for being there for me, Ashlyn. I know we just met but like I said... I don't have that many people here.”

“We're surgeons, we have to have each other's backs. Otherwise this job would kill us all, and you seem like a nice woman. Kyle is a nice guy, competent nurse, so... it's in the blood maybe?”

Ali snorted a laugh.

“I wish. See you at _Owen's_ later?” _Owen's_ was the pub in front of the hospital that usually had all the hospital workers go in to get drunk after long shifts. Owen was a nice middle-aged redhead and took care of his customers well, accompanied by his daughter Emily, who was in her early thirties, while his husband Martin joined behind the bar now and then. They were a nice family, altogether.

“I don't know, I should take Finlay and go home,” Ashlyn said.

“Ah, right. Mums can't really get drunk,” Ali smiled small at her. “We'll toast in your honour.”

“Thanks,” Ashlyn squeezed her hand and let go of it. “Call me if you want to talk any time, okay? I don't sleep much anyway.”

“Thank you, I will.”

Ashlyn sighed and walked away back into the hospital, hoping with all of her that Ali would manage to be okay.

  
  



	5. Desire and grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> +18

**Chapter 5: Desire and grief.**

Two weeks later, the cold January was keeping the doctors busy with cases of car accidents due to the snow and the ice out in the streets. Ashlyn was on call that night, so she was roaming the corridors of the Paeds ward, the Head of the Department long home while she, another consultant, a few StRs, nurses and several Junior Doctors tried to keep the night in peace. Her sympathetic white coat had a shark face by her name on her chest, earning her the nickname 'The Shark' amongst the kids in the ward, but now she wasn't feeling so much of a shark, and more a sleepy kitten dying to snuggle in an on-call room and catch a few hours of sleep after having had a six hour surgery.

She was having a tough day. It was what would've been Meredith's thirty-second birthday, and she couldn't get her wife out of her mind, which had kept a lump in her throat for hours now, and was starting to make her feel desperate and anguished. So she walked out of her ward and found an on-call room that was pitch dark and seemed empty. And the moment she had locked the door, she broke down and started crying hard, sliding down the door until her arse rested on the floor with her face against her hands.

“Ashlyn?” she looked up in the darkness, her tears abruptly stopping with the surprise, and saw a figure stand up. “It's Pugh. Are you okay?” a lamp turned on and she saw Nurse Pugh, a tall, brunette muscled man standing shirtless. She had known him for years, but hadn't seen him in a while. He used to be after Ashlyn back when she was in her FY years, until she started dating Meredith.

“Yes,” Ashlyn got up and stared at him for a second before, without thinking twice about it, pretty much jumping on him and started to kiss him. Caught off guard, Pugh kissed her back passionately for a second before pulling apart and grabbing her by the shoulders.

“Ash, what the...? You're gay.”

“I don't really label myself. Now, want to fuck or what?”

“Are you okay?” he repeated. “You don't like me, Ashlyn. Not like this. And you just lost your wife...”

“Either you fuck me, or I'll find someone who does,” she snapped, glaring at him. Then she softened at his shocked expression and stepped back. “I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I just...” she sniffled. “I need to feel full inside again, Mallory. Please...”

“I... I don't have any condoms.”

“It's fine, I'll take the pill. Unless you really don't want to...”

“Just once?”

“Just once.”

“Okay,” Mallory's big hands cupped her face and he kissed her intensely, passionately, with all the desire he had accumulated for years.

It wasn't Ashlyn's first rodeo with a man. With Meredith, she had gotten used to being the caretaker, the strong one, the dominant one... and now she craved to let go and have someone else care for her, just once. So she allowed him to put her legs around his hips and lie on top of her on the bed, let her hands roam through the tanned muscles, and cried out when he filled her. It had been about a year since the last time she had sex, as Meredith wasn't in the mood when she was so sick and dying, so she was tight and it hurt a little, but she liked the pain it caused. She demanded to be fucked rougher, harder... until she came, and he followed right after, and with his weight on top of her, she could fall asleep for a few hours, feeling his beating heart against her chest in an oddly comforting way.

Mixed feelings. On one side, she had really needed that moment of intense passion, of fast, hard fucking, of not thinking... but then she woke up, with Mallory Pugh gone, feeling cold without his warmth, uncomfortable without the pressure of his body, and disgusted with his fluids inside, and broke into crying as guilt consumed her. She felt she had just cheated on Meredith. And with a man, no less.

When she had finally calmed down and checked she had no alerts in her pager, she grabbed her tissues and cleaned herself, finding a little bit of blood but not much. She grabbed the dirty sheets and after getting dressed and presentable, she left them outside in the dirty sheets basket and asked an assistant to please bring clean ones there while making her way to the bathroom. She threw the dirty tissues in the toilet, showered, cleaned herself properly, and finally got dressed again, still feeling dirty and a little bit more dead inside. Meredith would be so angry. So, so angry.

It was already late morning, she had slept for hours, so she checked on Finlay and, noticing Mallory had left a bruised hickey on her neck, raised the turtle neck of the t-shirt she had under her scrubs. After making sure her son was okay, she went to the pharmacy wing and managed to get her hands on some day-after pills, taking one and saving the others for later in the day, as her paranoid self would tell her to, unnecessarily, take another in a few hours.

She had about enough time to do rounds and check post-ops before lunch time and still by the time it came, she wasn't hungry. She felt hollow, empty, dead. She had slept with a man. She had let the emptiness in her chest take the best of her and persuaded a grown man to fuck her, someone she wasn't remotely interested in, it was practically using him as a toy. She was disgusted with herself.

“I'm sorry,” she murmured staring at a picture of Meredith in her phone as she sneaked in a meetings room and sat on a chair with her phone between her hands. She was done crying. She didn't have more tears to cry, not even as her hazel ones met with green in the phone. Meredith had been a beautiful woman, a model. She had sparkling green eyes full of life, long, wavy blonde hair, the sweetest expression, a freckled nose and a wide grin with perfect teeth. In the photograph, she was the most beautiful Ashlyn had ever seen her, in their wedding day, laughing as Ashlyn wrapped her arms around her and kissed her cheek, their hands intertwining on her belly, their brand rings shining with the light.

Ashlyn's feet took her to the cafeteria in an absent-minded way. The laughter coming from a table was enough to indicate her where her friends were sitting, so she walked there while drinking a large coffee and carrying a small bowl of salad. She wasn't really hungry, but she figured she could use some vitamins after all. The conversation at the table died as she arrived and she puffed.

“What?” she snapped unintentionally. Whitney looked sadly at her and smiled small.

“You look like shit. It's Mer's birthday, isn't it?”

“Whatever,” Ashlyn flopped on a chair. “That's not my biggest concern now. I look like shit because I've been here for twelve hours and I've spent half the night operating only to have another big surgery in a little while,” she said. “Which gives me very little time to eat this salad and drink my coffee so... I'm not going to talk about Meredith. The dead don't have birthdays, after all.”

“Oh my God,” Pinoe yanked her turtle neck down, exposing the hickey after she had peeked a bit of it. “Oh my God! You had sex!”

“The fuck?” Ashlyn frowned at her and raised the collar back up. “It's just a bruise, a kid was playing with one of those bloody ball pistols and hit me hard. It was an accident.”

“I don't think little plastic balls can cause such a bruise, not even with the force of those toys,” Pinoe objected.

“It's not my job to convince you, is this a trial now? Do I need to bring more evidence?”

“Let's just...” Heather gave Pinoe a warning look. “Back off a little and let her be, uh? Today's a hard day. We all have a hard day now and then.”

“I'm fine,” Ashlyn murmured with her mouth full of salad.

“We're sure you are,” Ali patted her back. “How's Finlay doing with the on-call shifts?”

“He's okay. I think there's a caretaker he really, really fancies,” Ashlyn murmured, thankful for the topic change. “Besides all he does is dirty himself, sleep and eat, so I don't think he's very conscious of the passing of time.”

Ali smiled warmly at her.

“Ashlyn!” they turned to see Christen running, looking panicked and breathless. “Mr Rowhamptom is coming, and he's really, really angry. I heard him asking for you in the—,”

“Harris!” Ashlyn barely had a moment to register Marcus Rowhamptom, the father of the eight year old she had lost on her first day back, walking quickly to her with bloodshot eyes full of tears, before he pulled out a gun a pointed at her, eliciting screams of terror across the cafeteria. “Come and face me, you coward!”

  
  



	6. Chaos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Go home and hug the ones you love tight.

**Chapter 6: Chaos.**

Ashlyn didn't know how, when or why, but she was standing up staring at the gun barrel pointed at her just a couple metres from her. Everyone who could run had ran and called security, others hid under the table. Ashlyn's friends had stood up and looked shocked at the shooter, yelling for Ashlyn to step back instead of walking closer to Mr Rowhamptom, which she had done in order to decrease the chances of someone else getting shot if his aim sucked. Security guards were already coming in and pointing guns at Mr Rowhamptom, and it was only distressing him further.

“Everyone shut up!” Ashlyn yelled, ending the chaotic screaming and shouting of the cafeteria, the mixes of 'everyone out!' 'lower the gun!' and other orders. Silence reigned all of the sudden and Ashlyn locked eyes with Mr Rowhamptom. “Officers, lower your guns. Now! Don't you fucking realize if he moves one bit you could shoot someone else?” reluctantly, the officers lowered their guns, but glared at Mr Rowhamptom.

“Mr Rowhamptom,” Abby had arrived, serene and calm as always, and Ashlyn could see her metres behind the man. “Police are on their way. Why don't you put the gun down and we can talk, uh? Before anyone gets hurt.”

“You think I did this to talk?!” Mr Rowhamptom laughed ruefully, his grey eyes fixed on Ashlyn as he gripped his gun harder. “No. She has to pay for what she's done. Her negligence cost my son's life. He was eight. Eight! He was my everything and you took it from me!”

“Mr Rowhamptom—,”

“Abby,” Ashlyn interrupted her, “let me deal with his myself, okay? I want everyone to leave the room. Leave us alone.”

“We can't do that,” one of the officers said. “And we have no guarantee he won't shoot anyone else if anyone moves. Everyone has to remain in place until the threat is reduced.”

“That's rich,” Mr Rowhamptom said dryly, glaring at Ashlyn.

“Yeah,” Ashlyn sighed. “Fine. Okay. Mr Rowhamptom... Warren, wasn't it?” he nodded slightly. “Warren... I'm very sorry about your loss. Your son, he was critical when he came in. He had a heart malformation from birth, not something I could cause. Not your fault either, or your wife's. It just happens sometimes. And it sucks. But it happens. It wasn't my fault.”

“He was stable. Then you took him for surgery, and he... he never came back!” his gun trembled in his hands and a tear fell down his cheek. Ashlyn felt her own heart hammering in her chest. “It's your fault! It was malpractice!”

“I assure you,” Ashlyn insisted. “I swear I did everything I could, it wasn't malpractice. It wasn't a negligence. I opened his chest, found a massive bleeding, we tried to control it but we can't always. And we couldn't have known it'd happen in advance. We did everything we could.”

“Liar!”

“All right!” Ashlyn didn't want to upset him further so he wouldn't lose control and shoot her. “Okay, it's my fault. I'm sorry he died on me. But you're not a bad man, Warren. You're not a murderer. You're a good guy. And you don't want to kill me because if you wanted, you would've already. You know I'm someone else's child too. You don't want my parents to suffer what you're suffering.”

“You have to pay. Someone has to!” he shouted, more tears falling from his eyes. Ashlyn gave a slow step forward.

“Ash...” Whitney called her.

“It's okay, it's okay. We're going to be just fine,” Ashlyn said, holding Warren's gaze. “You want me to pay? You don't need to become a murderer for that. I'm paying. Today would be my partner's birthday, but the dead don't celebrate birthdays. I know what you're feeling. When medicine fails you, when you have to sit powerless and let others try to save the one who's your entire life,” Ashlyn gulped the lump growing in her throat and felt her eyes dampen. “I've been there too. It's the worst feeling in the world. And then the people who were supposed to save them fail us, and we want them to pay so badly, right? My wife... she would be thirty-two today. She was a surgeon. A bloody good person. And I couldn't save her. I, a surgeon, couldn't save her. I saw her die a slow, painful death, until she couldn't even recognize herself in the mirror. She didn't deserve what she got. And now, now she's dead and I'm all alone. She was the only person I've ever loved and she's gone. Don't you think I'm paying already?”

Mr Rowhamptom lowered the gun just a little, hesitating, and bit his lip.

“I want to hurt you...” he growled.

“And that's okay. I get it. If I didn't have a six month old son to take care of, I would've killed the doctors who failed my wife with my very own hands,” Ashlyn looked sadly at him, trying to emphasize. “I understand, I don't blame you. And if anyone hurt my boy... I'd go crazy and buy a gun too. And I don't know what I'd do. But this isn't how you hurt me. If you kill me, you'll leave a baby orphaned, and he has no fault. You'll break my parents' hearts, and believe me, they're going through enough as it is. They have another kid they're losing, you see? So if I'm gone too, there'll be no one to take care of them and my baby. And uh...” Ashlyn shrugged. “My Nana, she's got... Senile Dementia. I'm the only doctor in the family, so I'm her main caretaker. So if I died... it'd really suck for a lot of people, but not for me. I am ready to die, Warren. I've just worked twelve hours. I'm tired as fuck. And I'm sad beyond belief. I'm broken-hearted. I live to change nappies and take care of dying children. I see my son cry for his dead mother and can't console him, and I'd pay to see her once more so if you kill me, it'd actually be a relief. I'd get to see her in heaven or hell. Do you believe in heaven?”

He stared intently at her, clenched his jaw, and nodded.

“Gays don't go to heaven, though.”

Ashlyn snorted a dry laugh.

“You're right,” she admitted. “At least hell is warm, uh?” she tried the dark joke, and he dryly half-smiled. “I'm sorry I can't give you back your son, Warren, and that killing me would only bring me peace and not fix anything. But if I die, a lot of innocent people's lives will be miserable, and all the nice doctors here may get traumatized for life.”

“I still need to punish you. Someone's got to pay.”

“I agree,” Ashlyn nodded. “So you could shoot my foot. I'd probably lose it and I have scoliosis, so the pain of a prosthesis would probably be real good and I'd pay for life. But if you do that, then it's likely these people shot you or arrest you. And if that happens, then more than me paying... your wife will. Amanda will.”

“You remember her?” he asked, surprised, and she nodded.

“I remember each parent I've left childless,” Ashlyn replied. “Amanda almost had a heart attack when we gave her the news, how do you think she'll react if she found out you're in prison or dead? If she found out you shoot me?”

He sighed and looked down, his gun lowering another bit.

“She's a good woman,” he cried out. “She doesn't deserve all this pain!”

“I know,” Ashlyn went on. “So it appears like you're out of options, Warren. I'm sorry. Look... you're Christian, right? I remember you praying to God,” he nodded. “Then believe he'll take care of me. He'll send me all the shit in the world, probably kill my son so I know what it feels like, and then I'll die and go to hell. But don't ruin your life. Go home, take your wife, take care of her. Start over. Get a nice house, try again for the family you wanted. Statistics say it's unlikely you'll lose another child so, you could be really happy. Leave this in the past.”

“I've gone too far. They'll arrest me now.”

“Well I won't present charges. I won't testify against you. I'll even provide you a good lawyer if we need it. I promise you, okay?” he nodded slowly. “Now, can you put the gun down? And I don't want anyone to hurt him or touch him. He'll leave the gun on the floor and go home, and this will just be a curious anecdote.” Ashlyn said, eyeing the police.

“I want them to promise they'll let me go unharmed!” Warren said, scared.

“Right, well, officer? Mind you? I'm trying to live here,” Ashlyn said nervously.

“Fine!” the officer in charge clenched his jaw but nodded. “You can go home, Mr Rowhamptom. I promise, no charges. Guys, everyone put the guns back in the holster. You can go Mr Rowhamptom, but if you hurt someone I'll have to shoot you dead and your wife won't be pleased.”

Mr Rowhamptom nodded and lowered his gun until it was on the floor. He looked down, frowning, paralysed, and Ashlyn rushed to him and to his surprised, hugged him. He started crying on her shoulder and she patted his back.

“I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry,” Ashlyn said, hugging him tight. “Come on, come with me.”

She put an arm around him and, to everyone's shock, guided him outside, down the stairs and to one of the small side doors that led into the street. They sat on a step at the door, both more calmed down, and she kept an arm around him, although her own heart was still pounding and she hadn't recovered her breath.

“Thank you,” he said, blowing his nose in a tissue she offered. “Do you really have a kid?”

Ashlyn pulled her phone with a trembling, sweaty hand, and showed him a picture of him sleeping.

“Yeah. Didn't tell you a single lie, Warren.” He looked at him and nodded.

“My Richard was just like that... take care of him, will you?”

“I will. I'm sorry again, Warren.”

“It's fine. You saved me just now... I'm sorry about this whole... I've drank a little too much, I think.” Now that he was close, he did stink of alcohol.

“Go home, Warren. Shower, hug your wife. Tell her you love her, take her on a trip. Cornwall's really pretty, you know?” he nodded slowly and got up.

“Will do. Goodbye, Doctor Harris.”

“Goodbye.”

She watched him walk away and into a taxi and she let out a deep breath. Her pager beeping startled her all of the sudden and, seeing it was just Abby calling her into her office, she took a deep breath and rummaged in her pocket for one of her anxiolytics, putting it under her tongue and closing her eyes for a second. She was about to receive a good talk and possibly be fired and she was in no way ready.

  
  



	7. Troubled

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone,  
> I am updating some stories now, I'll slowly update more and more the next few days. I'm very sorry for the delay, I've just been writing stuff, relaxing, reconnecting with my mother as I didn't live in my hometown since last Autumn, and well, with myself.  
> So first things first, thanks everyone for all your comments and support, always. I think I've responded all comments and also I've been talking with some of you in my Tumblr Jantebellum, which has been really nice so if you've never left a comment or chatted with me in Tumblr come say hi, I don't bite :) also I wanted to invite you all to read this post I wrote https://jantebellum.tumblr.com/post/616297711696822272/my-take-on-ao3-and-fanfics it's a bit long but in it I'm talking about my writing process with fanfics, about my beliefs in fanfiction and about Archive of our Own, so you might find it interesting. And I know you're shy and I'm shy but PLEASE hit me up with any sort of conversation. Now that we're all so isolated, I really want to reach out to all of you, make sure you're all doing okay, bring my support and encouragement to you and hey, it's going to be okay, uh? This is just those dramatic ten chapters I always write but remember, the story always ends okay, even when you think there's no way. And if you feel lonely or anything, I'm here.  
> Much love everyone.  
> J.

**Chapter 7: Troubled.**

Ashlyn was still shaking like a leaf by the time she pushed open the door to Abby's office. To her surprise, she wasn't alone. There was a coffee table in a corner of her office, with a small corner sofa around it and a couple armchairs, and Abby was sitting there with Whitney, Heather, Nick, Tobin, Corey and Pinoe. The group seemed to quiet down as soon as she came into view and looked up at her, and Whitney immediately stood up and hugged her tightly.

“Hey, I'm okay,” Ashlyn hugged her back, frowning. “I'm fine. He's gone home.”

“Great. Now sit down and tell us the heck is going on, Ashlyn,” Abby said, looking severe at her.

“I honestly have no clue what you want me to tell you,” Ashlyn said, sitting down as soon as Whitney freed her. “We all have patients that are far more important than...”

“We have competent colleagues, StRs and Junior Doctors looking after our patients,” Corey said, looking serious and worried at her. “You were just held at gunpoint and told that guy to shoot you.”

“I was trying to get him to leave me alone, and I succeeded. Come on, I didn't tell him to kill me.”

“But you told basically told him he'd be doing you a favour if he killed you,” Abby said.

“Come on,” Ashlyn looked incredulous. “I said what I needed to say to get him to back off. I didn't mean it. If I wanted to die, I'm a surgeon, I know where to cut.”

“This is not funny, Ash,” Tobin intervened.

“I'm not trying to be funny!” Ashlyn sighed and stood up, walking to the far end of the room. Her eyes looked up to a diploma Abby had hung on the wall and she read it while trying to take her mind off things.

“You walked closer to him,” Heather murmured. “And you let him go just like that.”

“Because I'm a compassionate human being. His son is dead, but he's a good husband. I knew his wife would probably kill herself if he didn't return home, I was trying to save two lives,” Ashlyn said tiredly. “And I walked closer because I was afraid his aim wasn't good and he'd shoot one of you by accident. If anyone had to be shot, better it be someone who was actually involved with his son's death, right?” she turned back to face them. “The boy died on my table. It was my duty to take care of this. And I know Warren, he's a good man.”

“I want you to pass a psychiatric evaluation before you're allowed in a theatre again,” Abby said, standing up. “I'm serious, Ash. You've gone through a lot, I understand—,”

“Do not patronize me!” Ashlyn complained, getting angry. “I'm freaking out, all right? As much as you! I know what just happened, it freaked me out too! But... I have a son to go home to so I went back to the books and we always say we have to try and be understanding, compassionate, emphasize... so I did that. Whatever it takes to save my life. And I am fit to work. I already went to a shrink three months in New York Abby, I don't need you to... no. If you take me off work, I'll quit. I'll go. And this time I'm not coming back. I have way better shit to do than walk around like a fake surgeon.”

“Ashlyn, we're just trying to care for you,” Corey tried to soothe his cousin, walking towards her, but she shook her head. “Someone just tried to kill you. Maybe you should just take the day off.”

“For what? To drink?” Ashlyn laughed dryly. “I have a son, Corey. My only option after a day like this is to push my way through it until my shift ends and I'm peacefully in my bed home with my baby boy.”

“All right,” Abby stood up too and released a long breath. “Well I have to go and revise the security protocols. Someone came into the hospital with a gun, he could've seriously injured someone or killed someone, and the press is about to fry me so... I may have to agree to put metal detectors in all entries, which I'm not happy about. You guys go back to work and please try to do your best so no one dies.”

“That's it? You're just gonna let her go back to work after this?” Whitney pointed to Ashlyn, indignant.

“I'm not her Mum,” Abby shrugged. “She's fit for work until proven otherwise, and until then, this is all I can do as a boss. But as a friend,” she looked back at Ashlyn. “I'm here for you, okay?”

“I know, I appreciate it,” Ashlyn nodded. “I have to go.” She headed out to look after her patients, rushing out of the office and downstairs to her ward.

But everywhere she looked, everyone was staring at her. It wasn't until hours later, when she was down in the theatre assisting Ali on a surgery, that she finally got some minutes of peace and quiet without feeling like everyone was watching her attentively. She was soothed by the intermittent beeps that signalled the patient's beating heart and the soft drumming of the rain against the hospital, and it felt like at last, the rest of the world didn't exist.

Ali was the one who hadn't cornered yet to demand an explanation or over-worry. She had simply squeezed her shoulder and smiled at her when they had met in the A&E room, and now she was focused on the surgery, just like her.

Or at least it was that way until the brunette cleared her throat, as their surgery was coming to an end, and looked up at her.

“So, may I accompany you in your place tonight? I'll cook dinner and we can drink some wine, since none of us is on-call tonight, right?”

The proposal was so surprising, even more having in count that Christen and Ali's StR were observing, that Ashlyn had to look at her twice to check she was serious.

“Are you inviting yourself into my flat for dinner, Dr Krieger?”

“Well, originally I was going to invite you and Finlay to mine,” Ali clarified. “But then I considered how tired you probably are after such a long day and night, and Finlay's things are in your flat, and I imagine by the time we finish eating you'll be dying to go to bed, not to drive all the way home,” she continued. “And thus I realized it'd be way more comfortable for you if I went to your place.”

Touched, Ashlyn smiled at the gesture.

“Will you cook for me and then spend dinner interrogating me and trying to decipher if I'm suicidal or if you should check me in psych?”

“No,” Ali promised. “I was thinking more of discussing sports, the weather, or talking about how pretty our hometowns are and then perhaps if you feel like it, you can tell me what's wrong with your brother.”

“My brother?”

“I listened. You told him your parents may be losing their other kid.”

Ashlyn raised her eyebrows, looking from the guts to the woman in front of her, surprised that she had paid attention to that part of the conversation instead of focusing on the part where she wanted to be shot, like the others had done.

“Sounds like a plan then,” said Ashlyn. “My shift's done after this surgery.”

“Meet you at the door of the nursery once I've showered?”

“Deal.”

Knowing Ali would be coming over inexplicably cheered Ashlyn up for the rest of the surgery, and her smile hadn't vanished as she showered and changed back into her clothes before heading up to the nursery. To her surprise, Ali was already waiting for her, her damp hair loose to dry on its own. They shared a smile.

“Go get your boy, I'll be right here,” Ali said.

Ashlyn nodded and walked inside the nursery to pick Finlay up. They had an area for babies, with cribs and stuff, and another area in the opposite side that was for toddlers and grown-up children, with tables, toys and chairs.

Once she had Finlay she and Ali walked together down to the parking lot and after agreeing that Ali would follow them, they got into their respective cars and out into the street. Ashlyn could see Ali in the rear-view mirror, driving her Land Rover behind her, and it made her smile small. She really liked Ali as a friend.

Arriving in Ashlyn's tiny flat, she went to put Finlay in his crib and instructed Ali to make herself at home. So the brunette hung her coat in the rack by the main door and walked into a cosy sitting-dining room. Everything was spotless, neatly clean, which was odd for surgeons as they were hardly ever home to take care of things. Ali was drawn to an upright piano, on top of which she found a photograph portrait of Ashlyn and Meredith in what looked like their wedding day. Their cheeks were pressed together and they both grinned at the camera. Meredith was blonde, with her hair loose in waves and hippie flowers over the golden locks, her bright green eyes framed with soft eye liner. And Ashlyn smiled so big next to her, looking so happy, with her left dimple on display and what looked like a pastel suit of which Ali could only see the shoulders.

“What are you cooking then?” Ashlyn surprised her entering the room behind her and Ali got startled. “Ops, sorry.”

“It's fine,” Ali smiled small. “Let's see what you've got.”

  
  


  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If there's anything in particular you'd like to read about, I always accept suggestions and petitions, by the way. I'm always writing, and ideas are always welcomed.


	8. Passion

**Chapter 8: Passion.**

In the end they decided for a roasted chicken and Ashlyn poured them wine as Ali made a sauce for the chicken while it cooked in the oven.

“I didn't think you'd be a chef,” Ashlyn looked cheerfully at her.

“Oh, I know a couple things,” then, the paediatric surgeon saw a tattoo of the word 'Liebe' in Ali's left forearm.

“Cool tat. Love, isn't it?”

“Indeed. Studied in Munich in my youth-er years.”

“Youth-er?” Ashlyn snorted a laugh, amused, and Ali grinned.

“Well I'm not old so it's just more youth.”The younger woman guffawed and Ali giggled, enjoying her.

“I mean you're right,” Ashlyn conceded with a half smile, sitting on a chair near her. “That smells terrific Ali. Thank you.”

“You're very welcome,” Ali determined the sauce was ready and took her glass of wine, sitting on another chair by Ashlyn's side around the small kitchen table and grabbing an olive from a small recipient they had filled with them on the table.

“How was your day?”

“I didn't get shot,” the older woman gave her a small smile. “And I only lost one patient. So I think it's a win.”

“Damn right.”

“Should I ask about the hickey you're sporting or will you insist on the ball lie?” the brunette raised an eyebrow inquisitively and Ashlyn blushed, realizing she had removed the turtle-necked t-shirt in favour of a normal shirt when she had gone to put Finlay to sleep, because her flat was quite warm.

“Depends on whether you can keep a secret?”

“You know something that could get me fired so damn right.” Ashlyn looked amused at her and nodded.

“Okay then. I slept with Mallory Pugh today, know him?”

“Pugh... the nurse?” her jaw dropped when Ashlyn nodded. “He's smoking hot, I don't even blame you. But I thought you only dated women?”

“I don't label myself,” Ashlyn shrugged. “I was having a rough night last night and... I really desired to have sex with a man. I haven't gotten laid in a year, so I can't be blamed, but of course I had to deny it in front of the others because they'd think I'm losing my last functioning neurons and going crazy with grief. I don't lie lying but... they would've organize and intervention and I wasn't in the mood.”

Ali nodded in understanding, sucking olive off the bone in a way that Ashlyn found inexplicably sexy.

“I heard they cornered you in the Chief's office,” Ashlyn nodded. “You know, I find that people whose lives have been normal tend to flip the minute something remotely biggie happens... and get a little too dramatic.”

“Right? I swear they were this close to sending me to the Psychiatric Ward,” Ali snorted a laugh.

“I told them to let you be, but the Chief wasn't having it.”

“Abby is just overprotective. She's my mentor she feels... somewhat like a Mum.”

“Want to know what happened the first time someone pointed at me with a gun?” Ashlyn looked curious at her, and nodded. “I wet myself.” Ali flatly said. Ashlyn snorted.

“You're kidding!”

“Absolutely not,” Ali smiled at her and Ashlyn laughed. “In my freaking military uniform Ashlyn, in front of my peers...” Ashlyn laughed harder and Ali sniggered. “So when you didn't pee yourself I thought woah, this girl's really badass!” it made the hostess laugh ever harder and Ali grinned at her, enjoying her amusement.

“I swear I thought I would,” Ashlyn admitted rubbing away the tears of laughter and grinning at her, having the most fun she had had all week. “I was so relieved I didn't lose my shit. Kept my cool really well, didn't I?”

“It was impressive, legendary,” Ali chuckled. “But I'm still intrigued about your brother.”

“Ah, my brother... Chris,” Ashlyn nodded. “You see... we had a rough childhood, rough teens... we both toyed with drugs but in the end, he was the one who really sunk in them. He's been in rehab already,” Ali nodded, listening attentively, “but a couple months ago, when I first returned to the UK, I was in my hometown, in Brighton, because he... he overdosed. A friend who had a copy of his keys found it was weird he wasn't answering the door and went in and found him almost dead.”

“Jesus,” Ali frowned in concern. “How's he doing now?”

“He's in another rehab facility, but...” Ashlyn shrugged, letting out a deep sigh. “I'm afraid he'll end up killing himself, you know? He's a depressed addict, he's got no interest in living anymore.”

“It really sucks. And the situation with your grandma. It's just... when something bad happens, everything bad happens. Shit rarely comes in individual packs.”

“Yeah...” Ashlyn observed her red wine for a moment, pondering her thoughts. She was feeling really comfortable now, with Ali, and it made her smile small. “You know, it feels great talking about this with you. Whit, Pinoe and Hao, they're great, they're my closest friends, but they worry so much, even more so Whitney and Heather. So in the end...”

“You'd rather not talk,” Ali finished for her, and Ashlyn agreed with a nod. “It's like my brother, Kyle. I love him, he's my best friend, I'd tell him anything. But sometimes I don't, 'cause I don't want to breathe his anxiety. He's struggled a lot in the past, like Chris... he had addiction and depression. Now he's clean and also sober, but... it was tough. For a long time I had no idea if he was even alive. He disappeared.”

“Shit...”

“Yeah. Hey, maybe he'd talk with Chris? When he's out of rehab.”

“That would be fantastic, you think he would?”

“'Course! He gave a Ted Talk once, for real,” she said proudly, and Ashlyn smiled at her, truly comforted by her presence.

An hour later, they had eaten and were relaxing on the sofa, listening to some Jazz in hopes to put Finlay back to sleep, as he had woken up and was wide awake and unwilling to sleep. Ali was blowing raspberries on his belly and Ashlyn was warmed by the image, staring at them with her arm over the back of the sofa, facing them.

“You're so cute! Yes you are mister, so cute!” Ali was saying with baby voices, and Finlay seemed to be close to smiling, making little noises of joy.

“Are you seeing someone?” Ashlyn asked on impulse, and Ali looked surprised at her.

“No,” she replied. “It's hard to date when you're a surgeon, as I'm sure you're aware of.”

“I heard a rumour... you know how hospitals are full of them, someone said you're with a nurse.”

“Oh, that's just one night of fun,” Ali shrugged. “I haven't had much sex in five years in the army, no time to meet people. So I like to let off after a hard day.”

“Sorry I...”

“No, it's okay,” Ali smiled warmly at her and she knew she meant it. “You know, it's a good signal that you slept with Pugh, if you think about it. Means you're starting to be ready to move on.”

Ashlyn shook her head and sighed with a sad smile.

“No... I wanted to hurt her. Meredith,” she clarified. “I knew nothing would angry her like me sleeping with a man. She never liked that I don't care so much about dicks or pussies. She would've preferred I was a pure lesbian. And today's her birthday so I... a part of me wanted for her ghost or whatever to watch me, and hurt like I was hurting. Another part of me was really turned on by the thought of having a good dick, and Pugh is sexy as fuck.”

“Agreed,” Ali sniggered, and Ashlyn joined her. Ali kept an arm around Finlay, holding his stuffed shark for him, and put a hand on Ashlyn's knee, squeezing gently.

“How could she do this to me, Ali? If she loved me...” Ashlyn looked defeated. “She made me leave the country I love. She made me leave the family I love, my dream job... because she wanted NYC so badly. And I could take it, you know? As long as it was for her illness. But then later, making me swear I'd stay after she was gone? Making me swear I'd try to remain close to her family, raise Finn in New York...? Why wouldn't she just set me free? Tell me to go home and be happy? Why didn't she want me to be happy?”

Ali pursed her lips in thought and rubbed her thigh with the back of her finger, making Ashlyn's skin feel like burning.

“We can be really selfish when we're dying. I... I was invalidated out of the army. Declared mentally unfit after... I was the only survivor when my platoon was ambushed.”

“Fuck...”

“Our truck stepped on a landmine and it blew-up. When I woke up, I was on the ground, in serious danger, exposed to whoever wanted to kill me, unarmed. I found only one of my colleagues was still alive at the time, but bleeding out, and I had no way of keeping him alive, no knowledge if help would come. I tried to save him, but I knew we had to move. We'd both be dead in hours if we were found by the terrorists, or die of dehydration or internal injuries I didn't know if I had. But instead of telling me to go and save himself, even though he knew there was no way he was going to make it... he begged me to stay. He cried for me to not leave him. So I stayed until he died,” Ashlyn looked intensely at Ali, listening. Meanwhile, Finlay was starting to doze off against her chest. “He was my senior. He was my superior in rank as well. He should've ordered me to find a lantern or something to make signals to helicopters and get help. He should've forced me to go, because once it got dark, temperatures would drop and I could suffer hypothermia, die from unseen injuries I could've had, or be kidnapped and killed. Tons of things could've happened to me because he insisted I'd stay. And I'm not saying given the option I would've left. I have no idea what I would've done. But I know he was selfish in his final moments.”

“What happened after he died?”

“I had a severe concussion, so I don't remember most of it. I fainted, I think,” Ali said. “After waiting a long time for help, I was dehydrated and fainted. When I woke up, I was in a field hospital and they said a helicopter found me. My point is, Ashlyn, I don't think Meredith didn't love you. I think she did what she did because she was terrified, and the idea of you and Finlay being miles away from her remains... it drove her to drinks, you know?” she smiled sadly. “And I think you put up a brave face and said what it took to make her a little less distressed.”

Ashlyn nodded slowly, observing as Ali's hand had casually moved up her thigh and nearer her throat.

“Ali?”

“Yeah?”

“It seems to me like you're trying to get in my bed,” Ashlyn raised an amused eyebrow, and Ali snorted a laugh and moved closer.

“Does it?” she teased, her hand coming a little closer to her zip.

“Ali... I'm not looking for anything serious right now. I'm getting over my wife.”

“I don't want anything serious either,” Ali shrugged. “And you already had your rebound, we could just... have fun. Enjoy life a little, uh?” she caressed Ashlyn's face in a way that made her close her eyes and get goosebumps. “Or I can back off and it's okay...”

“No,” Ashlyn opened her darkened eyes and stared into Ali's eyes, that were also darkening with desire. “Don't you dare back off...”

Their lips met in a frenzy, and they barely had time to put Finlay in his crib before they gave in to desire for a long night of enjoyment.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> https://jantebellum.tumblr.com/post/616566533139873792/thank-you


	9. Domesticity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way pretty please if you have any other krashlyn fanfic ideas please let me know 'cause i'm struggling for inspiration and i'll give credit ;D

**Chapter 9: Domesticity.**

Ashlyn woke up sprawled on her bed and feeling like a brand new person. She kept her eyes closed, instinctively leaning her head towards the smell of lavender emanating from Ali's hair on her chest, and tightened the grip of her arm around Ali's body, letting out a contented sigh. She was ready to fall back asleep when she heard Ali groan for a moment and then unexpectedly, sit up with a choking sound. Ashlyn's eyes popped open and she looked at the brunette, who sounded like she was recovering from a long time underwater, gasping for air and heaving and her long dark brown hair, almost black, fell down her muscular back.

“Ali? You okay?” she asked hoarse with sleep.

Ali turned around, having forgotten she was there, and took a deep breath, nodding slowly as a small smile appeared on her face.

“Just a nightmare. But I think I forgot about it already, with this sight...” Ali leaned towards her, cupping her face, and pressed their lips together, morning breath be damned. Ashlyn kissed her back and felt her smile into the kiss as she pulled Ali back down on her chest.

“So was it good? I've never really had sex with other woman rather than... my wife,” Ashlyn murmured as Ali finally pulled apart to breathe, their chests remaining pressed together as Ali pecked her jaw all the way to her earlobe, that she tugged gently with her teeth.

“It was great,” Ali returned to her lips, tugging from Ashlyn's lower lip just enough to have it redden-up and make her moan. “So much I'm considering making this a recurrent thing instead of my original one night thought, what do you think?”

“I think there's such a thing as friends with benefits, no strings attached,” Ashlyn smirked as Ali smiled and nodded, kissing her again. “Though I should warn you,” she added as Ali's lips trailed down her chest, “I don't want to have men or women around when Finlay starts being more aware of his surroundings, crawling and stuff. I don't want him to get attached to people who will eventually vanish and hurt him.”

“Hey there,” Ali looked up, tugging tenderly from her nipple with a finger, making Ashlyn gasp. “I'm not going anywhere. Whenever we want, we call this to stop and become mere friends who used to sleep together. No strings attached, no resentments, remember? So Finn doesn't have to miss me.”

“Deal,” Ashlyn couldn't even think right then, as Ali's tongue played with her nipples and a lone finger found the way to her slit. “Oh please don't ever stop...”

. . .

It was strangely domestic, how normal it seemed to have Ali using her shower while she soothed Finlay from a mini tantrum over the temperature of his milk. She was shirtless, in her room, and the picture made her think of what she should've had with Meredith. Ali was comfortable, easy-going, understanding, she didn't have to explain herself a lot or open up too much from the start. She could just be Finlay's mother, patting his back and kissing the top of his head bouncing him until he settled down, while Ali simply showered and got ready for the day. Nothing complicated about it.

“Thanks for letting me shower,” Ali smiled at her, getting out of the bathroom with Ashlyn's bathrobe on.

“No problem. I could offer you some clean underwear if you want?” Ashlyn offered, not exactly knowing the protocol for these cases.

“It's okay,” Ali was already grabbing her clothes from the floor, where they had ended the night before. Ashlyn had picked up part of them and left them on the bed, but still. “Mine is barely dirty, and I have some clean clothes in the locker anyway. No time for the walk of shame if I want to be punctual to work.”

“I'd hardly call it the walk of shame. Walk tall and proud, you ended and started a day with very good sex,” Ashlyn smirked smugly, eyeing her. “Top quality sex, woman.” Ali laughed, shaking her head.

“You hold yourself in high esteem.”

“I know my skills.”

Ali looked warmly at her and tiptoed to kiss her and caress Finlay's cheek.

“I can leave him in nursery for you if you want.”

“No, it's all right. I'll be ready in five and the detour will only take me five minutes. See you at the hospital?”

“Yeah, I should be leaving now...” Ali threw on her jumper and reached for her shoes. “So, we keep this between us, right? Is there a hospital policy on sleeping with colleges?”

“We would have to inform Chief Wambach if we were dating but... we're not,” Ashlyn shrugged off, moving to grab a sports bra for herself. “Although we should still keep this between us, or we'll have our entire group of friends interfere, meddle and try to push us to get married.”

Ali's eyes widened looking at her.

“Really?”

“They love gossip Ali, and I've already received comments on our supposed heart eyes,” Ashlyn rolled eyes, managing to put on her bra while holding Finlay.

“Heart eyes, uh?”

Ashlyn turned around to see Ali eyeing her ass, and raised an eyebrow, wiggling her ass and making Ali snigger.

“I see all the eyes I'm getting are to jump my bones.”

“If I only had the time...” Ali pouted jokingly. “But you're hella sexy, truth be told.”

“You too, Krieger.”

It wasn't far from the truth. Ashlyn had let Ali see her tattoo-covered side, her fit, slim athletic body -because she had played football all through her teens and remained fit later- and part of her insides. But Ali had let her uncover her own side tattoo with a huge German extract from 'The Little Prince', her own teens' football team's badge on her pubis, and her wonderfully attractive soldier body. There was nothing about her that Ashlyn didn't consider hot, even though every time her mind wandered off to Ali's sexual skills, she felt a pang of guilt in her chest.

“What's up with you?” Nick finally asked later in the day, as they left a patient's room after a joint consult and his dark eyes moved to Ashlyn charged with suspicion.

“Nothing, why?”

“First of all, you've put far too much make-up in your non hickey,” he began, strolling casually, “second of all, you seem unusually chirpy.”

“I told you it's not a hic...” Ashlyn caught his raised eyebrows and puffed. “Fine, you know what? It is a hickey. I fucked a nurse, happy?”

He snorted a laugh and shock her head.

“I knew it, sex makes you chirpy.”

“Sex makes us all chirpy.”

“Why not just say it, though? We've all used the on-call rooms for something other than sleep in our careers, there's no shame, and I thought you don't lie to your friends.”

“Because even though I hate lying, it's better than having Whit or Hao or anyone else constantly looking at me with these worried eyes,” Ashlyn spoke as she wrote in her patient's chart, “as if they were waiting for me to break down or something, over the fact that it's the first time in my life I sleep with a woman who's not my wife, and the first time since like med school that I don't sleep with someone, in general, other than my wife.”

“Well,” Nick clicked his tongue and handed the nurses his chart over the nurses' desk, “have we got a reason to worry? You're trying to move on from Mer, right? Are you okay?”

Ashlyn put the chart down and looked at him, releasing a long breath. Nick and her had been friends since they both first arrived in the hospitals years before. They trusted each other with their lives.

“I just feel a little guilty. It's only been six months, am I supposed to start sleeping with other people already?”

Her friend pursed his lips in thought, his thumb absent-mindedly brushing his wedding band.

“Look I don't know what's the rule with these things, I pray I never have to know, but,” he scratched his dark stubble and shrugged. “I say you do the fuck that makes you happy, Ash. You've gone through hell and back, if a few minutes of passionate, wild sex make you just a teeny bit happy, then it's worth it. And I don't see why you should feel guilty, I understand where it comes from, but put it this way; Meredith is death. She won't know, she won't feel. And you're not cheating.”

“She didn't want me to remarry,” Ashlyn confessed in a whisper, biting her inside cheek as she thought back at the memory. “It was one of her being a little selfish brat moments in her final days. One of her very last lucid days she woke up crying, saying she never wanted me to be with anyone but her, saying she'd never forgive me, that she'd haunt me from the grave if she had to. That we were forever and hence, she made me swear there would never be anyone else, woman or man.”

“Oh Lord,” Nick frowned, shaking his head in disapproval. “God knows I miss her, but that's falling low. Just ignore she ever said anything, okay? She doesn't have a right to... own you or something. Besides, I'm sure she didn't mean it. You said it yourself, she had lucid moments, maybe she wasn't entirely in her right mind anymore. She was dying, losing her shit, don't hold her accountable.”

“Yeah...” Ashlyn sighed, nodding. “I'll try. Except that... I am so in love with her still, Nick. I don't know how to love anyone else. Or if I should. I mean, look at Finlay I don't want him to become a traumatized teen because every possible second parent he got attached to ended up just being a temporary fuck toy, and leaving us both.”

Nick nodded and patted her shoulder.

“Baby steps mate, take care of the little things and the big things will take care of themselves. Worrying about what will happen in a decade is... bit too much.”

He gave her an empathetic smile, and marched on into the corridor to continue his work. Ashlyn sighed and nodded for herself. Baby steps.

Deciding to throw herself into work, Ashlyn gathered her Registrar, who for the rest of January remained Christen Press, and Press' Junior Doctors to take them in rounds between her patients, check post-ops, and give them orders for the time being. As she was just finishing and thinking of the few minutes she could have with her son, she saw she was being paged into a theatre, so she ran there, her heart already pumping with adrenaline, and started washing her hands while looking through the window above the sink at the doctors operating in the theatre. There was the Head of Cardio, Consultant Dr Tom Sermanni, who had been the hospital's chief for fifteen years before he decided to step back and name Dr Wambach his successor (even if he was still supervising and assisting her), Heather was also there as a General Consultant, and there were a couple StR doctors, Dwyer and Morgan.

“Did you call me?” Ashlyn asked through her surgeon mask as the nurses put her operating gown and gloves on.

“Dr Harris, we have a thirteen year old boy, named Angus Fletcher, on whom I'm repairing a heart defect while Dr Werry here takes a tumour from his intestines. We had Dr Skinner assisting us, but he was needed in some big thing and we just need a bit of assistance. Are you free?” Dr Sermanni explained the case, referring to Ashlyn's boss, the Head of Paeds.

“Sure, Sir,” Ashlyn nodded and positioned to assist Dr Heather Werry and her Registrar. The tumour was huge and they had to take part of the boy's intestines. “Shit, tough thing to deal with at thirteen.”

“Right?” Heather's dark eyes came up for a moment to see her. “Dr Morgan, more irrigation here, please. Dr Harris has to help me take this whole thing out and we need maximum visibility.”

“Do you think he'll make it? The tumour is huge,” Dr Alex Morgan's worried blue eyes looked up at them both over the mask she was wearing.

“Tough recovery but sure, youngsters bounce back better. By the way Dr Harris, the patient has received large amounts of chemotherapy but hasn't responded well to treatment. In any case, be careful not to get blood on your skin, it's full of chemicals and poison.”

“Thank you Dr Werry.”

They concentrated on the surgery and an hour easily passed by. At last, they managed to extract the large tumour, along with a portion of intestines. Ashlyn's head was starting to really pound and she was feeling tired and dizzy, but the thought of slipping into an on-call room now that her job there was done and falling asleep, kept her going until she finished with her side of the tumour and started to help Dr Werry to grab it and lower it into a tray Dr Morgan was holding.

“I'll handle the rest of this, thank you Dr Harris,” Heather said, and Ashlyn nodded, putting her tools back on a tray.

“You're welcome,” she took off her gloves, and was just walking away when all of the sudden she felt really dizzy. The room started spinning around and before she could say or do anything else, Ashlyn collapsed on the ground.

  
  



	10. I think I have a crush

**Chapter 10: I think I have a crush.**

“Dr Harris!” Heather called for her friend, unable to turn from the patient. “Ashlyn!”

“Dr Harris are you all right? Can you talk to us?” Dr Sermanni looked aside for a moment, seeing her surgeon motionless on the floor.

“Sir, she's unconscious!” Nurse Kyle Krieger was kneeling to check Ashlyn, lowering her mask to find her face all pale and sweaty. He pressed his fingers against her neck. “She's cold, sweaty, pale and tachycardic, doctors.”

“All right,” Dr Sermanni was well trained, after his long time as a Chief, to maintain the calmness in situations of intense stress. “Page someone from Cardio, Trauma, and also Neuro. I want to know what's wrong, why she's just fainted and why she's tachycardic, and she might have brain damage from the hit against the floor. Quickly, Nurse Krieger.”

“On it!”

It was a matter for a couple minutes before his sister, Dr Krieger, arrived accompanied by Dr Cross and Dr Sauerbrunn, because if a member of your staff inexplicably collapsed in your theatre room, you got them nothing but the best, the heads of departments. Kyle updated them on the situation and they grabbed a stretcher for Ashlyn.

As they were accommodating her on the stretcher, Dr Cross grabbed Ashlyn's wrist to feel her pulse and noticed blood on her fingers. He looked to the floor to see if she maybe had touched a blood stain on the floor from the surgery, but saw none.

“Nurse Krieger, can you carefully examine the gloves Dr Harris took off?” Dr Cross indicated, checking Ashlyn had no cuts, so the blood wasn't hers. “I think one of her gloves may be pierced, she has blood in her finger, which means it may have come in contact with the patient's blood.”

“This patient is full of chemo and other medications, his blood is highly toxic if it comes in direct contact with skin,” Dr Sermanni told the group. “If Dr Harris' glove was pierced, she's been in contact with it for an hour and is full of toxins.”

“Okay, I don't see signs of concussion, and she's starting to come into herself,” Dr Sauerbrunn said examining Ashlyn's pupils with a small lantern.

Meanwhile, Kyle was hunched over the garbage can where doctors threw their gloves and gowns after surgery, and found Ashlyn's gloves. And upon close examination, he realized that indeed, there was a small hole in one of the fingers, as if she had cut it with her nail by accident.

“It's pierced!” Kyle confirmed. “How is it pierced? It's a surgical glove, they're supposed to be dense.”

“NHS cuts, lower quality equipment,” Ali puffed, nervously checking Ashlyn. “Kyle, page Chief Wambach, let her know we need new gloves in this hospital.”

“Let's take Ashlyn out of here,” Dr Sauerbrunn pressed, and they pulled her outside the room.

. . .

“Ashlyn?” Dr Sauerbrunn's voice came into her fog and Ashlyn's eyes opened slowly, blinking as the light from the corridor blinded her for a moment. “There you are, welcome back.”

“Ouch...” her head was definitely pounding now, and her stomach wasn't happy, so she turned around as fast as she could on the bed and threw up into the floor.

“Hey!” Nick barely had time to move to avoid the hit.

“Sorry,” Ashlyn felt sick. She was cold and trembling like a leaf, and she was still somewhat dizzy. She looked around and saw she was shirtless in an exam room, and Nick was auscultating her heart.

“It's just a light tachycardia, it's coming down after we put on the IV with the antidote meds,” Nick said calmly.

“What happened?” Ashlyn asked, seeing Ali standing by the bed with arms crossed over her chest and staring at her with a worried frown while Dr Sauerbrunn tried to determine whether she had hurt her head.

“You collapsed in the theatre,” Dr Sauerbrunn said. “Follow my finger... good. Can you touch your nose with your left index finger? Well done. What's your son's full name?”

“Finlay Ryan Harris,” Ashlyn rolled eyes. “I'm fine, Becky. Just feeling a little ill.”

“You came in direct contact with highly toxic blood from your patient, because your glove was pierced,” Ali pointed out. “Your body will eliminate the toxins on its own with the help of the medication, but you should lie down for a couple hours and wait until the effects pass.”

“I have patients—,”

“Not anymore,” Nick cut her, sliding an oxygen mask onto her face. “You're lucky it's nothing worse but I'm not letting you off this bed until your breathing has returned to normal and you're not emptying your guts all over.”

“There's no sign of concussion, but you have a bruise, hit the floor hard. That means you lost consciousness before hitting the floor, so I'm agreeing with Dr Cross. You stay here until your heart stops acting up,” Dr Sauerbrunn stepped back. “I'm going back to my patients, page me if you need me.”

Dr Sauerbrunn rushed away and Dr Cross and Ali exchanged a look, and the later nodded.

“You go, I'll take care of this,” Ali said.

“Great,” Nick patted Ashlyn's knee. “Be a good girl!” he rushed away too and Ali sighed, looking at Ashlyn.

“I'm fine,” Ashlyn croaked, reaching for her scrubs t-shirt and putting it on. The room spun as she sat up in bed, and she was forced to take her oxygen mask again and give it a deep inhalation.

“You're not fine, your blood is now contaminated with chemotherapy chemicals,” Ali argued, pushing her to lie back. “And you're going to stay here for the next two hours, I'll personally come check on you then and if you've moved one bit, I swear I'll hurt you.”

Ashlyn tried not to smile, but she found her far too cute when she was feisty. She only separated the mask enough to speak.

“What happens if I need to use the bathroom?”

“Uh...” Ali peeked outside the room and shouted a name. “Dr Edwards here,” she brought in a male Junior Doctor and Ashlyn sighed in defeat, “is going to patrol and make sure you don't move. If she moves, you can punch her,” she told the doctor fiercely. “And if you need to go to the bathroom, he'll accompany you.”

“He's a man!”

“So?” Ali shrugged. “It'll be one time at most, how much can you pee in two hours? You're a surgeon, if you don't like it, you can hold it. I have patients to check on.”

Dr Edwards nodded, biting his lip as he looked at Ashlyn fearfully, and Ali made one last 'I see you' gesture with her fingers going from her eyes in Ashlyn's direction, and left.

“Great,” Ashlyn mumbled, closing her eyes. “Stuck with an infant...”

It was easily two of the longest hours of her life. Every time she was paged by someone who hadn't heard she was unavailable, Dr Edwards would send someone else in her place, and even when she requested some Jell-O thinking that would send him away for a while, he sent another Junior for it.

At last, a couple hours later, Ali came true to her word and to her surprise, she was carrying Finlay, who sat against her hips.

“Look who's here!” Ali sang cheerfully as she came in and Edwards left.

“My boy!” Ashlyn grinned, sitting up and putting her baby between her arms. “Hi Mister, I missed you!” she peppered kisses over his face and looked at Ali. “I'm partially grateful, and partially worried that's so hard for anyone to just pick my son up at the nursery.”

“I told them what happened, and since they saw me last night when you went for him, they believed me,” Ali shrugged and smiled happily at them. Her long dark hair was falling loose now and she looked satisfied with herself. “Figured he'd cheer you up. How're you feeling?”

“I'm fine.”

“Really?” to her surprise, Ali pressed her lips against her forehead for a moment. “You're still a little cold, pale and sweaty... Are you still dizzy?”

“No. And my heart's gone back to normal,” Ashlyn felt herself blush with the intimate gesture, and a part of her didn't like that Ali did something so intimate, finding it invading of her personal space and pushing boundaries too much, not to mention disrespectful to her late wife.

However another part of her absolutely loved it and liked to see her care, so she was at odds with herself, which was quite frustrating.

“I should get you a toxicology exam just in case—,”

“No,” Ashlyn found her frustration getting the best of her and paying it with Ali, as she was now snapping and standing up. Ali frowned, confused. “I said I'm fine, thanks. I'll see you later.”

“Are you pissed off now?”

“No, everything's fine,” Ashlyn felt obliged to force a smile. She wasn't lying. She knew she was just frustrated with herself, her sexual desires fighting her grief, her fear of love fighting her desire to be loved, her loyalty to Meredith fighting her hormones begging her to fuck Ali right there. “I just have patients.”

“Okay,” Ali nodded, looking mistrustful. “Hey if you want,” her expression changed for one of mischief and she stepped closer to her, a little too close for what Ashlyn's internal battle could withstand, “I'll be free for a quickie in a couple hours. Think that'd cheer you up?”

“Oh, hm...” Ashlyn cleared her throat and looked away. She so wanted it but she couldn't. She had to be professional. Ali's rank was higher and she wasn't going to risk her job for a fling with a superior. Besides, she was supposed to be sad and grieving, not enjoying a sexual relationship with a beautiful woman. Meredith had her flaws, but she deserved some respect. “Like I said, Dr Krieger, I'm busy. I'll see you around.”

She turned around as fast as she could and walked fast to the lift, as far as she could from Ali's hurt expression.

Avoiding Ali the rest of the day wasn't as easy as one would imagine it would be in such a big hospital. Ashlyn both craved her and rejected her, one side of her craving the way she made her feel, the comfort and warmth she brought into her life, and another side feeling disgusted by the way in which she had so quickly jumped into the arms of someone else and craved someone else, as if sleeping with Pugh wasn't enough. Just six months before there was no one but Meredith, her sole love, her world, her life, and a life without her hadn't seemed worth living. And now she was fantasizing, craving, desiring Ali. It couldn't be.

So whenever she found herself near Ali for a patient, she would be quickly to assign someone else in her place and go away, or stop Ali's any attempt of a non-professional conversation by abruptly changing topics and leaving as soon as possible. But just when it seemed like she could finish her shift and go home without encountering Ali anymore, the brunette paged her.

“You all right?” Whitney eyed her as Ashlyn got the pager while they were sitting having some snacks and frowned at the page. “You're not feeling sick again, right?” The rumour of Ashlyn's fainting had gone around the hospital with a baffling speed.

“I'm fine. I'm needed in A&E, see you later.”

“Good luck!”

Ashlyn didn't need long to find Ali, despite how crowded the room was. The brunette was examining a patient who was sitting on one of the beds of the large room, and when Ashlyn saw who the patient was, her heart flipped in her chest and she was sure her day could not possibly go worse.

“Jennifer,” Ashlyn tried an honest smile, but she felt it come out as a grimace, “what are you doing in London? Are you okay?”

“Oh, Ashlyn, finally!” the tall, beautiful blonde seemed relieved to see her. “I had a business meeting in London when I stumbled with my heels and fell. I'm fine, but I got a good cut,” she pointed to the cut on her forehead that Ali was examining, “My colleagues insisted on driving me to the hospital to make sure my head's fine. Which it is, right doctor?”

“Yeah, no signs of concussion,” Ali murmured. “I can have a Junior Doctor stitch it up and you'll be fine.”

“See I knew it. But you know, I thought I could take advantage of the trip to check on my sister and nephew,” Jennifer smiled up at Ashlyn. She had a thick American accent and looked like a perfect Barbie. “You can stitch me up, right? I don't want one of those kids to ruin my face, and I remember how well it looked the time you stitched-up Mer after she cut with a knife that one Christmas.”

Ashlyn didn't like her sister in law. In the distribution of genes, it seemed like all the humility, gracefulness, and selflessness, had gone to Meredith, leaving nothing for her egocentric, princessy big sister. But even though all of Meredith's family disliked Ashlyn's humble background, tattoos, and tomboy, a-gender appearance, Jennifer was the one that had somehow gotten over it and liked Ashlyn. Yet she meddled in far too much for anyone's comfort, had no sense of boundaries and privacy, bossed her around, and had zero understanding for her. They had nothing in common. So Ashlyn always did her best to be nice and grateful for her trying to get along, her efforts, but could never manage to stand her comfortably for longer than perhaps, an hour.

Ali seemed equally annoyed by Jennifer already. She had that ability, when she came in with her excessive make-up, fake nails, Louboutin heels, and the 'I'm a Royal' snobbish attitude, as if intending for the world to bend at her will, to bother everyone. It was likely that she had, in fact, already tried to tell Ali how to do her job about a dozen times in the two minutes Ashlyn had taken to arrive.

“Uhm...” Ashlyn decided it'd be easier to please her than to argue, so she looked tentatively at Ali, hating the fact that today of all days it was when they weren't in their best status. “Sure, Dr Krieger, would you mind if I take over?”

Ali glared up at Ashlyn and puffed, shaking her head disapprovingly and leaving a gauze on a medical tray a little too roughly as she stood up and left without a second word. It was normal for her to be offended, as she was the boss in the A&E and didn't like for a patient to decide over her orders, nor for Ashlyn to just accept it without a 'but'.

“Feisty much, isn't she?” Jennifer said sarcastically as she snorted a laugh. Ashlyn sat on the stool Ali had vacated and gathered the instruments she needed from the medical tray next to her.

“She's the Head of Trauma, she doesn't like to be told what to do in her own arena,” Ashlyn explained. “And technically, she has a higher rank than me so she's doing me a favour right now. I'm in Paeds, Jennifer. I don't do adults. I stitch so well because I'm used to the delicate skin of babies and children.”

“My skin is even more delicate,” Jennifer gasped as Ashlyn injected some local anaesthesia, knowing otherwise she'd become even harder to stand. “So, how's our favourite little man?”

It wasn't like Jennifer particularly liked Finlay. She loved babies, thought there was nothing cuter, but hated to change nappies, get any dirt on her or baby fluids, deal with crying babies, and basically anything that actually involved caring for a child. She had been brought-up in an overprotective environment and raised by nannies, spoiled by two parents who were workoholics. She wasn't someone to break her nails doing manual work, and she'd faint if she saw someone slice a finger with a kitchen knife. Even as Meredith died, she had been too childish and immature to understand the gravity of the situation, and she had kept telling Ashlyn to just cure her baby sister already.

“He's all right,” Ashlyn answered, focusing on the stitches. Last she needed was for her sister-in-law to spend her life reminding her how she fucked her perfectly immaculate face up. “How have you been?”

“Okay,” Jennifer shrugged, and her eyes got a little glassy. “I miss her like crazy, but... job is good to stay distracted.” Jennifer had inherited her father's hotel empire. The businessman was still the head of it, but was training his eldest surprisingly well. Jennifer was actually a very smart, capable woman, only immature and a fearful little girl deep inside. “What about you?” Ashlyn blinked in surprise, looking at her in the eyes for a moment. It wasn't like Jennifer to ask about others and not focus the conversation on herself. Her favourite topic was always herself, with which Ashlyn had hoped to keep her entertained the whole time.

“I miss her too,” Ashlyn admitted, taking a deep breath.

“Mum and Dad told me you stormed out of NYC. I knew you'd be here. You always liked this rain hole.”

“Yeah, well I'm British, Jen. Each goes to their own nest, isn't it?”

“Yes,” Jennifer bit her lip for a moment. “You're a really good doctor. Mer would like to see you're still doing it.”

“I try my best.”

“Do you think...” for the first time ever, Jennifer seemed nervous and insecure. She never let such traits show, she was too proud. “Do you think maybe I could play with Finlay while you work? I guess he's with a sitter?”

“He's upstairs in the nursery. And he's six months, Jen, he doesn't really play yet. But you can sit with him, talk to him. It helps me sometimes.”

To her surprise, Jennifer smiled.

“I'd like that, if it's okay?”

“Sure. You're her only actual aunt, after all. So you're not pissed I left?”

“I always found it strange that you stayed as long as you did. NYC wasn't for you, the same London is not for me,” Jennifer shrugged. “And you lost someone you loved. It'd be hard for me to stay too, if the situation was reversed... so no. I get it.”

“Woah,” Ashlyn could hardly hide she was impressed. “Sounds awfully mature of you.” Jennifer snorted and smiled small.

“I'm trying to grow... the hell up, did you say?”

“I'm sorry about that...”

“No, you were right. I've been too innocent, childish, naïve... you know, I've always admired you and Meredith, but mostly you. You always seem capable of handling any situation. Never lose your shit, even at her funeral, when we were all a mess, you stood stoic. You're the kind of person everyone trusts to take care of them, because everyone knows there's nothing you can't do. You're the boss. You're fearless. If anyone could survive alone in a desert island, it'd be you. I always wished I could be more like that... a superwoman in the storm. And I'm trying. I really am.”

Ashlyn nodded slowly, doing the last few stitches.

“If it serves of any consolation, I'm not that put together. I'm just better at pretending not to be a mess,” she half smiled, making her chuckle.

“I uh...” a tear fell down Jennifer's cheek and she sniffled.

“Jen...”

“I lost my sister. My baby sister. I was supposed to die first, and she was supposed to... be here, be a good doctor, a mother, a wife... she was much better than me, I should be the one dead...”

“Don't—,”

“But it's the truth. The world needed her more than me. So now I have to make her proud, to become more useful for the world, like she was.”

“You're not going to med school, right?” Ashlyn joked to brighten the mood, putting her hands down as she finished the job. Jennifer sniggered and rubbed her eyes, smearing her make-up a bit.

“No. Hotels are really my thing... but I can start by being an auntie. Meredith wanted for him to have something in her side, right? I could... visit, now and then. Mum and Dad don't have to know.”

“I'd like that.”

“Yeah?” Jennifer seemed pleasingly surprised, and smiled with excitement.

“Yeah,” Ashlyn nodded. “You can tell Finlay about his Mum, when he's older. And... spoil him or something,” she joked with half a smile. “Wanna come with me to see him?”

“Yeah,” the woman stood up in her heels, looking genuinely excited. “This is gonna be so cool! I'm getting him this cute astronaut outfit that I saw...”

“Oh, God...”

  
  


  
  



	11. What about me?

**Chapter 11: What about me?**

At nearly four in the morning, Ashlyn's small flat was quiet and only the sound of her soft snoring could be heard. She was snuggled on her side of the bed in the master bedroom, and the side that Meredith would have occupied was now occupied by Finlay, with a pillow acting as a barrier in case he rolled over, which he had begun doing lately.

Ashlyn had gone to bed a little later than usual after having had dinner with Jennifer and driven her to the airport with Finlay, but this little detour had helped her sleep sooner, and now, if it wasn't because her eardrums had received six months of training to stay alert through the night, she could've been in profound sleep. But then, the doorbell rang. The first time she barely stirred a little bit, wrapping an arm instinctively around Finlay, but the second time got her eyelids to open, thinking it was maybe her pager. She stared into the darkness, confused, trying to detect if her pager was beeping.

And then the doorbell rang again and she jumped off the bed, rubbing her eyes and checking her watch. It wasn't normal for someone to come in the middle of the night, and in her experience, nothing good happened between midnight and six in the morning. But she wanted to be fast in case Finlay woke up with the beeping.

“Coming,” Ashlyn said with her voice hoarse from sleep, raising her voice just a little as she wrapped her housecoat around herself, as she was only wearing pyjama trousers and a sleeveless t-shirt that hung quite low, while walking as fast as possible towards the door. She could hear sobbing through the door and she frowned, stopping to look through the peephole. “Ali?”

She yanked the door open and her eyes, full of concern, fixed on Ali, who was hugging herself and crying so hard that her eyes were quite swollen and reddened, her hair a mess in a dark bun, and she was shaking a little. She was also looking miserable, wearing sweats and looking lost, and as she looked up at Ashlyn, Ashlyn's stomach dropped. Ali seemed to hesitate for a moment, and then she sobbed out the words:

“Help me.”

Ashlyn's frown turned into a full scowl and she nodded, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her inside, locking the door before putting her arm around her again and sitting her on the sofa. While she did this, she kept saying soothing words and trying to coax her to calm down, encouraging her to take deep breaths and relax, so by the time Ali sat down, she was only sobbing a little and she was making big efforts to calm herself.

“Are you injured?” Ashlyn tried to determine whether she had any wounds, if anyone had hurt her or if maybe she had had a car crash. “Did you have an accident?”

Ali shook her head and let Ashlyn pat her arms and torso to confirm she was okay.

“I-I'm f-fine...”

“You're not fine. If you were fine, you wouldn't be waking me up in the middle of the night, when you know I'm a surgeon and a mother and I don't get to sleep much.” Ashlyn made sure that her tone sounded light and was accompanied by a small compassionate smile, to make sure she knew she wasn't upset or angry about it and that it was all right, but still, it made Ali feel less at ease and more guilty.

“I'm sorry, I...” Ali sniffled deeply and shook her head, rubbing her face. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come... This... this was a mistake.”

“Nonsense, don't worry about me, it's fine. I'm so lucky my place of work is full of beds,” Ashlyn took her hands into her own and tried to lock eyes with her, even if Ali insisted to look down. “Hey, I'm glad you came. Just tell me what's wrong, so I can fix it.”

“You can't fix this...” Ali whispered hoarsely, still sounding like she might start crying again any moment now.

“That doesn't mean I won't try.”

Ashlyn was sitting on the coffee table in front of Ali, and her thumbs made soothing patterns on the back of her hands. They sat in silence for a while, and when Ali seemed more calmed down, Ashlyn excused herself to check on Finlay. She put him in his crib by her side of the bed, and returned to Ali with a glass of water for her to rehydrate.

“Thanks,” Ali murmured after sipping from it, and released a long sigh. “I'm sorry... I should've gone to Kyle, but he had a date and I didn't even know if he'd be home...”

“Like I said, it's fine. I'm glad you came.”

Ali nodded and looked at her more intently, suddenly frowning lightly.

“What happened to your hair?”

During dinner with Jennifer, they had been, for the first time, discussing what went on with Meredith, the mourning process, they had cried a little and drank a little, and then Jennifer had asked whether she was planning on getting a new tattoo for Meredith. Ashlyn hadn't been sure, and Jennifer had commented how sometimes when people were mourning, they changed their hair or something to see something different, because it supposedly, according to a magazine in the plane, helped.

At that time of the night and with the drinks, the idea had seemed fantastic in Ashlyn's eyes. Jennifer, like a true fan of cosmetics and hair products, had once taken a course of hairdressing and had done their hair for free for their wedding, so Ashlyn knew she could trust her with that. So she had given her sister-in-law some scissors and the electrical razor she kept for whenever her legs needed a fast shave, and let her chop off her, until then, quite long hair.

Now it was quite short, with the sides and back quite trimmed like a man's, and the upper part was less short, so there was still a small mane elegantly trimmed in the sides. It made her hair look darker because it exposed her dark brown roots more, but it was still sprinkled by the remains of blonde dye she had always used.

“Ah, this?” Ashlyn shrugged with a chuckle. “My sister-in-law can be quite... persuasive. Felt like a change, anyway.”

“Looks good on you,” Ali said with a tiny hint of a smile. She looked down for a moment and let a long breath out. “I just... as a doctor, I don't think I should be left alone right now. I'm afraid I'll kill myself if I do,” Ali admitted looking defeated at Ashlyn. She had deep bags under her eyes and was pale, and had allowed a long moment of silence before talking.

The other doctor nodded in understanding, and squeezed her free hand.

“Wanna come to bed? I'd offer you the guest room, but I agree you shouldn't be alone.”

“That's it? You're not going to make me a thousand questions?” Ali smiled small through the silent tears that kept falling.

“Would that make you feel better?” the brunette shook her head no. “Then not. But I'm sure a good sleep will.”

“Yeah, you're right. Let's go to sleep. Do you have some... Lorazepam, or something? I think I could use one...”

Ashlyn smiled and took her hand, nodding.

“Come on, I'll bring you some to bed.”

Ali took off her clothes until she was only wearing her panties, and Ashlyn lent her a pyjama t-shirt. Then they got under the covers, each respecting the other's space, and once Ashlyn sounded like she was asleep, Ali turned to watch her for a moment. After a few seconds, she moved closer and wrapped an arm around Ashlyn's hips, nudging into her chest. Ashlyn stirred a little and wrapped an arm around her in response, and they both fell deep asleep.

When Ali woke up, it smelled heavily of bacon and eggs. She had a moment to stretch and recognize her surroundings and the babbling coming from the crib on the other side of the room, and then the door was pushed open by Ashlyn's back as the younger woman came in, fully dressed, with her wet hair pointing all directions and carrying a bed tray table full of English Breakfast and mugs of steaming hot tea.

“Good morning,” Ashlyn smiled at her, then looked at her son in the crib making sounds. “And good morning to you, mister! How are you feeling?” she added, coming to Ali's side and sitting on the edge of the bed putting the tray over Ali's legs, holding it firmly on the bed with its tiny wooden legs as Ali sat up and threw her messy hair back, blinking awake.

There were eggs, fruit, tea, beans, bacon, some veggies... full breakfast to start the day off right.

“Well, it's hard to feel like shit when you come up with this. Thank you so much,” Ali looked up at Ashlyn, truly touched. She was still feeling hollow inside and with a permanent knot in her throat, but comfort food surely helped.

“I was hoping so,” Ashlyn smiled. “Eat away, I've already eaten it. And I hope you don't mind, but I went off to your place and got you some clean clothes.”

“What? How? When?” Ali spoke with a full mouth, already ravishing her breakfast.

“Finlay got a little fussy at around four, and the car usually calms him down. And I thought it'd feel great in the morning for you to have your own clothes to get into, because look good, feel good, right?” Ashlyn explained, watching her. “So knowing with the Lorazepam you'd be out like a light, I grabbed your keys from your trousers' pocket, left the baby monitor to watch you from my phone, and made the little trip. Nice flat, by the way. A little messy, but typical surgeon's.” Ashlyn pointed then to the carefully folded clothes on the armchair on a corner of her room.

Ali looked at the clothes, identifying her favourite jumper and some clean underwear, the keys on top, and back at Ashlyn, so surprised for a moment she forgot how to munch.

“How did you know where I live?”

“I asked the hospital,” Ashlyn said, matter-of-fact. “I lied. I told them I needed to know because you're sick and not answering the phone and I was worried there may be a medical emergency going on. I made them so anxious in the end they gave in.”

Ali snorted a laugh, shaking her head.

“Well thank you.”

“So you're not mad I basically broke into your place?” Ashlyn asked.

“You didn't break in if you were using the keys,” Ali simply shrugged off and kept eating. She felt as if she had been drinking all night, when in reality, she had gotten to Ashlyn's practically sober.

Ashlyn smiled at her and went on to take care of Finlay. After a while, Ali left the room to leave the tray in the kitchen and saw Ashlyn sitting on the sofa checking her phone while Finlay slept on a baby bouncer nearby, and walked closer to Ashlyn, ultimately deciding to sit a few centimetres from her. She put her bare feet on the sofa and hugged her knees, contemplating Ashlyn. A moment later, Ashlyn felt observed and turned to look at her. She opened her mouth to talk, but Ali was faster.

“Don't you have work?”

“I said I'd be late, texted Abby and told her Finlay had vomited and I was going to give it a couple hours to see how it went.”

“You know, for someone who hates lying, you lie quite a lot,” Ali teased with a small smile. Ashlyn smiled back, but shook her head.

“Actually, I didn't lie. He puked an hour ago, had a tiny bit of a fever, nothing big, but...” she eyed her son. “I just want to make sure he's okay before I have to separate from him for hours. It could just be that he licked something he shouldn't have, he puts everything in his mouth.”

Ali looked from Finlay to Ashlyn, suddenly feeling bad for distracting Ashlyn from her motherly duties.

“I can help if you...”

“It's okay,” Ashlyn smiled comfortingly at her. “He bounces back quickly. So, you going to work?”

“I did extra hours last night,” Ali said, feeling sleepy still from the medication she had been given the night before. “So I'll go in a little later. It's fine, I don't have surgeries programmed today, and I got Jeremy McDonald to handle my post-ops, he's good, he'll page me if hell breaks loose.”

“Speaking of paging, I found your pager in your flat, left it on your clothes with your keys, thought you may need it.”

“Thank you,” Ali nodded. “So... I think I owe you an explanation.”

“You don't owe me anything. I'm not going to ask.”

“All the more reason to explain,” Ali sighed and nodded for herself. “Statistics show most of the people who come back from an army deployment or years of deployments become alcoholics or addicts or both within the first few months home. I've been here for nearly a month now,” she said, her voice tired and drained, “and so far so good. I've avoided it all. Perhaps it's just that every time I crave alcohol or a cigarette or something I see my brother wasted in my mind. But I can't sleep well and get proper rest unless I take some pill, and it scares me to become dependent of them, and at the same time, I don't want to get a pill and go to sleep and not hear my pager going off if an emergency happens. I mean, you'll only be paged if I child goes bad. I'm the Head of Trauma, so my Juniors may page me for about anything that comes in, and so will my Registrars, because everyone seems scared of being left without me for a little while there. And I don't want this to affect my job. I promised Chief Wambach I was okay to work and I am a good surgeon, I'm performing quite damn well, and I need this job because I'll go crazy if I have to stay home.”

“I understand,” Ashlyn nodded. She had felt the same way.

“So last night I came home really late, and I had just lost a patient, so I wasn't in my happiest of moods. And I open myself a bottle of wine, calm down and fall asleep,” Ali continued, staring at her toes. “Then PTSD kicked in and I got some bad dreams and... I woke up... well, you saw how I was. I could hardly breathe, I just felt so distressed, so haunted... and all I suddenly could think of was how much I wanted it to stop, how much I wanted to just go to sleep. Then I felt my thoughts start to drift into how easily would it be to cut my carotid artery off, or go to the hospital, grab a bunch of meds and overdose myself... but I was aware enough and lucid enough to realize I was losing my shit, and I got very much scared with myself and my thoughts and... I don't wish to die, Ashlyn,” she assured, looking up at Ashlyn with a sad, tired expression. “I wanted a moment of rest, but I do not want to die. So I ran out of my flat trying to get away of the knives and the medical equipment and the drinks, and stopped a taxi, and they ask me where I want to go. And Kyle's address comes to mind but then I figure he probably is sleeping over at his date's place, and he deserves one night out with his boyfriend he barely sees, and... then I think of your address. And I... I didn't know where else I could go, so... came here.”

“That's good,” Ashlyn said softly, reaching out a hand to squeeze her knee. “That door is always open for you, Ali. Any time, I'm happy to have you here. We both are, I think.” She added glancing at Finlay.

“Really?” Ali gave her a small, incredulous smile. “Because yesterday it looked a lot like you didn't want anything to do with me,” they locked eyes and Ashlyn fell speechless, her mouth opening and closing trying to come up with a good excuse. “Don't lie to me, Ash. It's fine, I get it. You were really horny one time, and we had sex, and then the next day you realized it was a terrible mistake and regretted it. I just wish you had told me, and it would've been fine. The cold shoulder and the unexplained harshness hurt more.”

Ashlyn sighed, feeling guilty about the childish way in which she had acted the day before, and shook her head disapproving herself.

“I'm so sorry about that,” Ashlyn said, hoping she sounded as sincere as she felt. “But I still mean it, I like you coming here, and I enjoy your company. You're great, everything about you is great, you are, certainly, not the issue. I am. I didn't wake up and realize it was a mistake, Ali. I woke up after dreaming of my wife, who explicitly begged me to never be with anyone else, and I started feeling guilty. And when I woke up after that... little accident, and saw how good you were to me, how much better it made me feel... I got angry with myself, because I didn't think I should be feeling good about another woman when my wife clearly asked me not to. I felt I had cheated, Ali. I felt unfaithful and disloyal,” she was in a way, clearing her thoughts as she heard herself, and going with the flow, and Ali was listening attentively, encouraging her to speak. “And I took it out on you, when I shouldn't have. But truth is... I really, really like you, and it feels wrong because my wife is dead and it was horrible and she was so anxious and desperate begging me to not go and have sex with someone else, to not go and date again, to not go and remarry, to not feel so good with anyone else but her... and I'm doing absolutely everything she didn't wish me to do. Leaving New York, fucking some male nurse, putting my son in nursery so I can go back to work full time, desiring another woman... but at the same time, even though it all feels so wrong of me, I feel so right when I'm with you, so... in the end I'm just fighting with myself, the side that just wants to kiss you with the side that feels guilty about the mere thought of it, and I get frustrated with myself and I take it on you. I'm sorry. I guess... I wanted to be ready to be with someone because I miss the company, and the sex which I hadn't had for a year because Meredith couldn't... when she was so sick and pregnant, so I really wanted to be there and do it... and now I guess as much as a side of me wants it so badly, I'm not ready.”

Ali stared at her waiting for her to ramble on, and when she saw it wasn't happening, she nodded slowly, and moved her hand to squeeze the one Ashlyn had on her knee.

“I guess we're both a bit of a mess. Maybe... maybe all we need is a good friend to talk to, or make us company in bed when we're lonely.”

“Maybe,” Ashlyn smiled small at her. “You know, if you think about it, it's actually good news you got horrified with your thoughts. It means your brain is still healthy enough to stop itself and help you find shelter when you need it. It means you really do want to live, still.”

“I guess,” Ali nodded. “I've been going to Dr Aldern, the hospital shrink? I think I'm going to call her and...” she sighed. “Make sure I don't use all the medication available to kill myself, or purposely cut my finger off during a surgery passing it as an accident.”

“Sounds like a good plan. And it occurs to me, I could order a Junior to be your shadow, so you can't hurt yourself. And since technically I am the one giving the orders, you wouldn't be able to send him away if you lost it.”

Ali snorted a laugh and nodded.

“I'm actually going to let you do that. Just pick someone nice, please.”

“Sonnett?” Ashlyn proposed, and Ali nodded. “And... you could stay here, a few days, until you get a bit more stable and less scared of yourself. Or you could maybe go to Kyle's, but just don't be alone.”

“You know what, I love my brother, I really do love him more than anything but...” Ali pursed her lips. “He only eats vegan and I'm always afraid if I get scary I'll drive him to drinks, and he's supposed to get his stamp for another sober year soon.”

Ashlyn sniggered and nodded.

“Then you stay here, where we do not eat vegan. Just change nappies, sometimes.” Ali smiled warmly at her, still squeezing her hand. This was the most comforted she had felt in days, and she didn't want it to stop.

  
  



	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12: The A Team.**

In a short matter of time, Ashlyn and I reached a compromise. Ali left the flat she had been renting and fully moved in with Ashlyn, sharing flat expenses and home duties such as looking after Finlay with her. She was seeing Dr Aldern every day twice, once before starting her normal shift and another before leaving, she was taking the softest antidepressants on the market so she could still be fit to work and not all zombie like, and she was only allowed half a litre of either beer, wine, or combined, per day. And as Ashlyn pushed her to get better and kept an eye on her, Ali did the same thing and pushed her to also see Dr Aldern, at least once a day or every couple of days, to talk about her inner frustrations and conflicts with her late wife's final wishes, and also pushed her to let her babysit Finlay when she was on night shifts, instead of putting him in nursery, so she'd start getting used to not being able to see Finlay all the time and learn to manage her stress about the matter. And if by any chance Ali had to work at the same time, she would take him to nursery herself.

And so several weeks went by as they get used to a comfortable domesticity and became a team in and out of the hospital, not sleeping together and not doing anything sexual or romantic, not even flirting, until Dr Aldern determined Ashlyn was ready for it. They cooked together, cleaned together, and took care of Finlay together, made each other company and lifted each other's spirits which, in Dr Aldern's opinion, was what they both needed.

“So you're essentially living together,” Whitney murmured to Ashlyn as they worked together on a patient on a dark Friday night, “but you're not involved. Seriously?” Ashlyn had just confessed to her they had been living together for two weeks and also that she had once slept with Ali.

“We're flatmates,” Ashlyn said as if it wasn't weird at all, “we're supporting each other through our respective recoveries.”

“All right well, if you're happy, I'm happy.”

They walked together into a corridor after checking on their patient and found Ali and Kyle laughing and walking in the opposite direction.

“Hi partner!” Ali smiled cheerfully at her.

“Hi yourself!” Ashlyn smiled back. “What's Double Trouble up for?”

“Oh nothing, we 're good angels,” Kyle joked around, his big smile right at Ashlyn.

“And like good angels we were thinking, we should do Sunday lunch at our place. You know, like the dinners at Heather's,” Ali proposed, standing in front of Ashlyn. “Have some friends come over for a quiet dinner and some much needed joy, right? Let's say eight. You get to invite four and I get four.”

“Let me see, Whit, think Ryan may be up for it?” Ashlyn turned to her best friend, asking about her firefighter boyfriend.

“He has work on Sunday, but since you just had breakfast with him yesterday, I doubt you'll miss him. We can have a girls' night!”

“We could, except that I was planning on inviting this sweet nugget,” Ali said, wrapping an arm around her brother's neck.

“Okay, so us three, Megan could bring Sue that's five,” Ashlyn suggested, looking at Ali.

“Add Tobin and Christen, that's seven,” Ali offered. “Are we inviting Nick?”

“He said something about having anniversary plans with Molly,” Ashlyn said. “Another time.”

“What about Corey and Brittany?” Whitney suggested for them.

“Sundays is Jenson's football day and they have lunch with my Uncle and Aunt in Brighton,” Ashlyn explained. Her cousin Corey and his wife Brittany had two kids, Jenson and Raya. “But we should tell Heather, see if she brings Dave. It'd be nine, we have room for one.”

“What about Kelley? She's kinda cool,” Ali proposed, and Ashlyn nodded.

“Great! Done. See, we don't need to split four and four, we always think of the same people.”

“We're a boring old marriage,” Ali joked, and patted her shoulder. “See you later.”

“Later!” Ashlyn smiled and continued walking with Whitney.

“So... that silly smile you got is not because Ali just touched you, right?”

“Oh shut up.”

Feeling in a good mood, Ashlyn felt that the day just passed by in full speed. The day before, Ali had confessed she had started to date, with Dr Aldern's supervision, a fellow Trauma consultant named Damien Rowe, but they weren't anything serious, just seeing each other now and then, having fun. Dr Aldern didn't allow for Ali to sleep at Rowe's, but it had still bothered Ashlyn unreasonably to know the girl she was admitting to have a crush on seemed to be moving on with someone else. Still, she had put a smile and done her best to be supportive and proud of Ali, but the day had passed slow and bitter. Today, however, everything was shiny.

And then, it happened.

“What if I'm pregnant?” the innocent question came from her teenage patient complaining about severe abdominal pain. Ashlyn half smiled in amusement and looked at the girl's father, whose jaw had dropped.

“Well Lisa have you had sex lately?”

“Never,” Lisa answered, seeming honest.

“And have you missed any period?”

“No...”

“Then you're not pregnant, Lisa,” Ashlyn said comfortingly. “Not unless you have sex with a man and then miss a period, maybe. I'm pretty sure you have Appendicitis.”

“Appendicitis?”

“Yeah, your appendix is swollen, and I'm going to have to remove it. We have to do it now, because it could burst and that'd be dangerous,” Ashlyn explained, and looked up at the father. “It's a routine procedure, doesn't usually last more than an hour and it's very easy, a med student could do it. Caught this early, the risks are minimum.”

“Okay,” he nodded, releasing a shaky breath. “Okay.”

The question made Ashlyn spend the surgery trying to remember the last time she had her own period. It hadn't come very regular after Meredith died, and she had been told emotional distress could affect her cycle, so when it hadn't arrived late in the week before, she hadn't given it a second thought.

But after surgery, and once the family had been updated, she rushed to where they kept the pregnancy tests and grabbed a few, rushing to the bathroom. She anxiously waited until the results appeared in all of them, and then went through all of them, only to see the same word five times; 'Pregnant'. And Mallory Pugh was the father.

“Shit,” Ashlyn took a deep breath and cleaned the tests, rushing to throw them in the bathroom's garbage. She then took off to the A&E and looked for Ali, feeling the utmost relief when she realized the brunette was just sitting around updating charts. “Ali! Can you do me a big favour?”

The other woman looked up and smiled sweetly.

“Of course, what is it?”

Ashlyn leaned into her ear and whispered.

“I need you to extract some of my blood.”

“Okay,” Ali stood up and followed her to a closed examination room, getting the equipment on the way. “What am I looking for?”

Ashlyn sighed and sat on the bed, taking off her coat and exposing her non-tattooed right arm, thinking it'd be easier to find a good vein.

“HCG levels,” she murmured in response. Realization hit Ali and her jaw dropped, looking up at her with wide eyes. “I know. The pee says I'm pregnant but it's early, it could be wrong. So I'm trusting my blood and science.”

“Want me to pass it as a Jane Doe in the lab?” Ali asked her.

“Please,” Ashlyn nodded. “Last I need is for the entire hospital to know the grieving widow got knocked up by some stranger. I'd be the talk of the hospital.”

“I understand,” Ali sat on a stool in front of her and grabbed and made a knot around Ashlyn's biceps so the vein would pop out. When she was about to inject the syringe, she noticed Ashlyn looked away. “You good?”

“Yeah I'm just... I hate needles.” She confessed, blushing.

“Aw, but you're a doctor.”

“I know, I'm a joke. Just do it fast please.”

“Don't worry, you won't even feel it.”

“Yeah, that's what they all say. Even I say it.”

“Yes, but I mean it.” Ashlyn looked down and saw that without noticing, Ali had already placed in the needle into her skin and was filling a small tube with blood.

“How did you do that?” Ali smirked smugly.

“I am a really good doctor.”

“Damn right...”

Ali sent the blood sample into the lab and returned to Ashlyn, who was having some fresh air sitting on a bench in the hospital gardens. She was looking thoughtful and was leaning forward with her chin against her hands, that were united in a fist as if she was praying.

“I can't be pregnant,” Ashlyn murmured. “I can't.”

“The lab says they're pretty busy and pregnancy tests don't have the priority, so we'll have to wait until Monday at least.”

“When we wanted a baby, I got tested. I was going to be the one to do it, because of Meredith's illness,” Ashlyn said looking worried at her. “Turns out I had some sort of abnormal uterus shape, which made it essentially impossible for me to be pregnant. And it was devastating, I had always wanted to one day carry a child, I always wanted it. It broke my heart to know it wasn't going to happen, even when we could use my eggs for Finlay, it wasn't about having a biological child, it was about living the miracle of life experience, you know? So how the heck are nine tests saying I am?”

Ali took a deep breath and looked at her with a sad gesture, reaching to rub her back.

“I don't know. Perhaps they misdiagnosed you, or perhaps it wasn't entirely impossible just like... 99.5%, you know? Perhaps you should tell Pugh. He's the father, if you're pregnant you should make a decision together. And... I think we both know you are pregnant. You wouldn't have taken nine tests if you didn't feel you could be.”

“How am I going to tell him? Is not like we're friends, I hardly even know him,” Ashlyn puffed, shaking her head. “He was so after me when I first came here, but I was quick to start dating Meredith and he backed off. She disliked him so much... so I don't really know anything about him, Ali. Perhaps it's best he never knows.”

“Sweetie, if you show up one day with a brunette baby with big dark eyes and a skin somewhat darker than yours, and you put him in nursery next to your very blonde, hazel-eyed, milk white son, somebody's going to suspect. And he's a nurse, he's not stupid, he'll do the Math. His genes are dominant, chances are that baby is his spitting image.”

“Shit you're right,” Ashlyn buried her face in her hands in anxiety. “Shit, what am I gonna do? What do I do?”

“Do you want to have it?”

“I don't know,” Ashlyn lowered her hands and eyed her, desperate. “I always told myself I wouldn't have an abortion unless it was the absolute only choice, because I've got enough traumas in my life to go through that too, and I'm very sensitive, it'd get to me. And besides, after all I've wished to be able to get pregnant, after how much I've wanted it? It'd really break me, and besides, it'd make it even harder for me to ever do it again. But at the same time, I really don't think I'd be able to have it, and then give it up for adoption, because same thing, it'll kill me inside even further, and besides, what's my excuse? I have a son, it's not like I can't do motherhood.”

“You don't need excuses. It's your decision, Ash,” Ali comforted her gently.

“I just... If I have this child, Ali... I already have one, and I know we live together, but I'm essentially a single mother and a surgeon, I can't raise two kids, even less sharing custody with a man I don't even know. And my parents would flip and my in-laws would kill me...”

“But there are less cons than not having it. And if your biggest concern is that you're alone, maybe Pugh wants to be a Dad and be involved, and I'll help as much as I can, and your family, your friends... you've got a great support group. You can do this. And Finlay gets a little brother or sister to play with, you get your dream come true, and when the kids grow they'll look after each other, never be alone, and perhaps be as close as Kyle and I, right? Besides, you could still meet someone special who wants two kids too and grow old together as a family.”

Ashlyn nodded slowly, and after a moment of considering it deeply, she inhaled and exhaled hard and looked at Ali.

“You're right,” the side of her lip moved into a small smile. “You're right... I'm pregnant. It's not cancer. It doesn't have to be dramatic. You can help me, and everyone else, and the kids will be in nursery most of the time anyway so...” she shrugged. “I can just open a new book, leave Meredith in the past, raise two, wonderful human beings... and motherhood is the best thing. I couldn't possibly keep going if it wasn't for Finlay, so this baby will be good too, I'll love them, they'll make me happy, we'll make each other company... we can be a dysfunctional but happy family.”

“Exactly,” Ali smiled softly at her.

“You'd really be there with me?” Ashlyn asked her shyly.

“Every step of the way,” Ali's smile grew bigger. “After all you've done for me? Hell I'll even accompany you to the labour classes,” Ashlyn guffawed at that and Ali laughed too, and hugged her. “And if the Daddy's a jerk, we'll fight him together. Congratulations, Ash.”

“Thank you,” Ashlyn smiled into her shoulder, squeezing her tight. “I feel so much better thanks to you.”

“We're the A Team, I'm here for you any time. Now let's go, you need to talk to Mallory. The sooner, the better.”

“Okay,” they stood up together and walked inside the hospital. “I know we have the lunch on Sunday, but... can we not tell anyone yet?”

“Oh there's no we in that sweetie. You tell, when you feel ready, to whom you want.”

Ashlyn smiled bigger at her, grateful more than ever for her.

“You're the best.”

It took a solid hour, having to interrupt herself for a patient, for Ashlyn to find Mallory Pugh in the great hospital. Ali helped for a while, but soon had to go attend a medical emergency, and Ashlyn continued alone. At last, she caught the man sitting at the nurses' desk near the Neuro consults, working in the computer.

“Nurse Pugh,” Ashlyn said trying her best not to seem hysterical. “Can I talk to you in private for a moment?”

“Uh...” he looked up at her.

“Doctor Harris, I'm kinda busy.”

“Me too, so if I take an hour to find you, you bet this is a major thing.”

“You call being horny something major?”

Ashlyn scowled at him.

“I'm not calling you for a quickie. You're coming with me, now. Period.”

The nurse puffed but stood up and followed her into an empty stairwell. Ashlyn locked the door of access and turned to face him.

“So?”

“So...” Ashlyn pondered how the hell people were supposed to give such news, and in the end she decided for the straight approach. “I'm pregnant. From our last quickie.”

Pugh stared at her petrified for a moment, and then he snorted and shook his head.

“Ah no, no, there's no way I got you pregnant, we fucked once, what the heck?” he seemed angry now. “You know what I'm not going to let you hang this in me. If you got pregnant, that's on you and whoever you fucked, I'm not the father.”

“You're the only man I've fucked in the past five years, actually, more,” Ashlyn argued. “Come on Mal, why would I hang this on you if I wasn't sure it's yours? I'm not looking for a relationship with you, and I'd much rather have a child with someone else rather than you, thank you very much.”

“I can't have a child,” Pugh shook his head. “There's no way. I thought you were going to take the pill!”

“I did,” Ashlyn nodded. “But it may fail, you're a nurse, you know this. So I was going to take another later, but the day got complicated, I got distracted and... I completely forgot.”

“You forgot?!”

“Damn it, I'm a surgeon, I'm busy!”

“Okay, it's fine,” Pugh paced around, trying to calm himself. “It's fine... we can fix this. You'll have an abortion.”

“No I won't, mister.”

“What?” Pugh glared at her angrily. “I am not having this child, Ashlyn! You don't get to make that decision without me, when we fucked it was clear you didn't want a child, which is why I agreed to it and consented, because I knew you weren't going to want it if it happened as much as I don't. You don't get to suddenly change your mind and betray me!”

“I haven't changed my mind! I don't want a child with you! Thing is, I want an abortion or to give the baby up way less than I want a baby with you. I... I'm mourning my late wife, I've had quite shitty few years, I'm not going to worsen my mental health by putting myself through abortions or an adoption, do you have any fucking idea how traumatizing aborting, or going through nine months of pregnancy to then give it up can be? So I'm not doing it. And legally, my wish trumps yours,” Ashlyn tried to not get furious at the man that was frustrating her. “Luckily for you I understand this is not what you wanted, so I won't force you to be in the picture. I'll raise this baby myself, they'll never know a thing about you, okay? I won't take you to court to pay or anything. I promise.”

“No. I work here, I see you all the time, and I'd see our kid in nursery, how the hell do you expect me to watch you making and having our kid and not care? If you have it, I'll care. If you have it, you'll force me to be a shit person who neglects his child, which I don't want to do!”

“Then don't! Jesus, Mal, it's not so hard,” Ashlyn puffed in frustration. “I raise the kid, you come visit whenever you want, you can share custody or not, have him on the weekends or once a month or just come and visit. You can be the father, an uncle, or nothing. It's up to you!”

“You're missing the point!!! I don't want for you to have it! I don't want to have a person going around the world with me as a father without being their father! And I'm not ready to be a father!” he roared, red with anger, making Ashlyn step back in a moment of fear. “You have to abort it!”

“Come on Mal, if the problem is you're not ready, I can help you, I'll be there every step of the way...”

“I said NO!”

His shout reverberated in the stairwell and Ashlyn watched him anxiously. He paced around and stopped, holding the banister and looking down at the stairs in deep thought. He was buzzing with anxiety, anger and stress, he needed to fix this problem. And then he got an idea.

  
  



	13. Heartbreak and insanity

**Chapter 13: Heartbreak and insanity.**

“All right... I'm sorry...” Nurse Mallory Pugh paced back to Ashlyn and gave her his best pleading expression. “I'm sorry... you're right, we can... we'll figure it out.”

“It's okay,” Ashlyn smiled comfortingly. “You're a good guy, we'll be fine.”

“We should do an ultrasound,” he offered shyly. “Confirm it properly.”

“Of course!” it hadn't occurred to Ashlyn that she could easily confirm it that way, without waiting for the blood test. “Let's do that. I took nine tests so it's pretty much confirmed but... in any case we can get a nice picture.”

“After you,” he smiled and motioned towards the stairs. Ashlyn smiled back, feeling like she had won and everything would turn out just fine, and turned around to go downstairs to the OB/GYN section. She had only put one foot on a step when suddenly, Pugh pushed her, hard.

She inevitably fell head first down the stairs, rolled down the flight of eight steps, bounced on the wall at the small landing between flights, and rolled again until she touched first floor on the floor below. Pugh ran after her and checked there was no one around before rolling Ashlyn over with no care, as she had ended face down. Her eyelids opened a little and he saw her nose was broken and bleeding.

“I'm so sorry,” Pugh whispered. “I am a good man... but you can't do this to me.” His big hand grabbed a fistful of her hair easily and quickly and she yanked her head up before smashing it hard on the floor. Ashlyn lost consciousness immediately, and Pugh paced around, checking there weren't cameras nor people looking. When he was reassured he was alone, he nervously paced back to Ashlyn, who was motionless on her side in fetal position, and stretched her legs so they wouldn't be on the way, before kicking Ashlyn hard on the womb, several times, until the rush of adrenaline and anger passed and he calmed down. “Fuck... fuck...” he whispered, realizing what he had done as he settled back down. “Help... Help!” he ran into the OB/GYN. “SOMEBODY HELP!”

**. . .**

When the pagers of the Head of Trauma and the Head of Neurosurgery went off at the same time while they had lunch in the cafeteria with their friends, with the same emergency message, the two women ran like hell to the theatre room, where they found their assigned StRs, Dr Jeremy McDonald and Dr Adrian Franch.

“What's going on?” Ali asked the Registrars as they prepared to scrub in.

“It's Dr Ashlyn Harris,” Franch explained. “She was found on a the floor by the stairs. It appears she fell and hit her head really hard, she wasn't recovered consciousness and it's been like five minutes. I've examined her and she seems to have a fractured nose, rib fractures, abdominal trauma because she vomited some blood, arm fracture... she started having seizures so I rushed her into the OR, I think she has brain bleed.”

Ali's jaw opened and her eyes widened in panic, going from him to the patient she could see lying on the operations table through the window.

“Shit, no,” Ali said mortified. “She's got scoliosis, could be paralysed... and she's pregnant.”

“What?” Dr Sauerbrunn frowned in concern, looking anxiously at her.

“She's a few weeks pregnant. She just found out like... an hour ago or so. Last I saw her she was going to inform the father.”

“What?!” Dr Sauerbrunn rushed getting ready. “Franch, page Dr Addison Montgomery, she's the best OB/GYN in Europe.”

“I'm on it.”

Sauerbrunn turned to look at Ali.

“Franch and I monitor her head and spine, you and McDonald can handle the rest?”

“Yes. McDonald, have a nurse inform Corey Habovick, it's Ashlyn's cousin, he works here. And come quick, we need to know ASAP how many internal injuries she has.”

The doctors rushed in to treat Ashlyn. Dr Sauerbrunn was quick to discover severe bruising and swelling in the left frontal lobe, accompanied by some bleeding and a minor skull fracture. Meanwhile, Ali assessed the rest with McDonald's help while Franch was instructed to take care of the nose so there weren't any problems with her breathing if blood went inwards towards the brain and worsened the brain situation, or blocked her airways.

“Three fractured ribs, fractured wrist...” Ali determined. “Her belly feels like there's internal bleeding, would explain the blood vomiting...”

“Her brain is very swollen,” Dr Sauerbrunn said, having made a hole in it to operate. “I'm going to have to take out a portion of skull until the swelling goes down. The swelling it's likely to have caused the seizures, but we'll have to take her for a CT and an MRI when we're done controlling the worst of this.”

“Her brain looks like a car accident's victim's brain,” Franch commented. “I didn't know it could be so bad to fall down such little stairs for a fit adult.”

“That's because this is extremely rare. People fall down the stairs all the time but they don't end up open in my table with a head that looks like it's hit a truck at fifty kilometres per hour,” Sauerbrunn commented.

“Jesus Christ,” Ali blurted out, as she opened her up and assessed the damage. “This wasn't an accident.”

“Is that a perforated intestine?” McDonald inquired.

“What?” Sauerbrunn was surprised by this, because it wasn't everyday that someone fell down a small stairway and got the intestines perforated.

“It's small, but it's filled the abdominal cavity with bacteria and caused peritonitis. I'll have to give her a big dose of antibiotics or she could develop sepsis,” Ali said, her heart hammering in anxiety. “This wasn't an accident. This totally wasn't an accident... Nurse!”

“Yes Doctor?”

“Call Chief Wambach. Tell her what's happened, tell her the injuries are too severe and not consisting with an accidental fall, tell her she needs to check the security cameras. Someone assaulted Ashlyn, I bet on it.”

The door opened and Dr Montgomery came in, her long dyed red hair pulled back in a tight bun beneath her operating cap. The other two doctors put her up to date while she focused on examining the womb sitting on a stool between Ashlyn's legs for better access.

“How far along is she?” Dr Montgomery asked as she attempted to get an ultrasound image.

“She fucked this guy... like a month ago or so,” Ali explained shyly. “In her first days here. She told me about him, she was absolutely sure it was from that one time.”

“Okay, it's possible it's too early to get a heartbeat, because I'm not getting any,” Dr Montgomery explained, her eyes on the screen. “Sometimes it can't be detected until later in the first trimester. But I see some bleeding between her thighs that it's not ceasing, so I'm going to see what an ultrasound tells me.”

“Blood?” McDonald frowned. “Does that mean...?”

“She's likely to have lost the baby,” Ali sighed, shaking her head. “Fuck.”

Hours later, Ashlyn was stable in the ICU, and Dr Montgomery, Dr Sauerbrunn and Ali went to update her only in London, Corey, and their friends, that had crowded together as soon as the news had spread around the hospital. In the meantime, Dr Franch and Dr McDonald would keep an eye on Ashlyn. They found Corey, accompanied by his wife Brittany, Chief Wambach, former Chief Sermanni, Heather, Whitney, Megan, Nick and Tobin. They were, essentially, Ashlyn's family after all. A police woman was also there.

“She's stable,” Ali hurried to say, seeing the anguish on their faces, and Corey almost laughed from the sudden release of tension. “She's delicate and unconscious, but stable.”

“My partner is interviewing Nurse Mallory Pugh,” the police woman said. “He was the one who found her at the bottom of the stairs and called for help, he maintains she had paged him in the floor below and he was going to see what she wanted when he found her.”

“What's this whole nonsense that my cousin was pregnant?” Corey inquired, scowling. “There's no way, she's grieving, and she hasn't gone for men in years.”

“Actually, it was with Nurse Pugh,” Ali informed both them and the police. “She had told me she had one bad day and lost her shit a bit and ended up sleeping with him. I guess they forgot about condoms or it broke or something, but today she told me she had gotten nine positives and she wanted me to help her run a blood test, because she had been told she was infertile. We talked about it, agreed she should talk with the father and last I saw her was about an hour before she got hurt and she was looking for Pugh. I was helping her at first, but was paged into an emergency. She had decided to have the baby.”

“Not anymore, though,” Dr Montgomery sighed. “She lost the baby. It appears that she was hit in the abdomen, hard, not just from the fall, which caused a miscarriage.”

“So you're sure it wasn't an accident,” Chief Wambach asked, frowning in concern.

“The doctors and I agree that the injuries were too severe,” Dr Sauerbrunn intervened. “I've had to remove a small portion of her skull because her head hit the floor so hard that her entire brain had swollen, part of the skull had fractured, and there was a bleeding in the right side of her frontal lobe, as it appears that her right frontal cortex too most of the blow. I fixed it, but we'll have to wait until she wakes up to know what the consequences are, The affected area controls expression of emotion, motivation, behaviour, executive functions, decision-making, attention span, inhibition, left-side movement, memory, planning, reasoning, problem-solving, personality, social skills...” she sighed. “The damage could be extensive or minimal, but she's for sure not going to be working any time soon. Good news is that even though she has double scoliosis, her back only had bruises, her spine is fine and she moved her feet when I pinched them, so her spinal cord is intact.”

“We did find that her neck muscles seemed strained, as if her head was jerked,” Ali added. “In my professional opinion, I've seen this type of injury in patients that had been grabbed by the hair or punched on the head, and have their head be slammed against another surface.”

“Which makes it more likely this wasn't an accident,” Whitney murmured, pale with worry.

“Yes. And her right wrist has a minor fracture, she's got minor fractures in a few ribs that will heal on their own with some time,” Ali continued, as they stood forming a circle. “What worries me the most is that it really looks like she was kick repeatedly in the abdomen, she had a lot of internal bruising and that can heal alone, but her intestines ended up perforated. It's a very small hole, I fixed it, but content was already out and into the abdominal cavity and she already had peritonitis, full infection, so I'm keeping her high on antibiotics until the fever she's developed disappears, and I have McDonald checking on her hourly to catch any possible worsening of the infection as soon as possible. I don't need to explain to you how dangerous an infection can be, so if you guys can handle Finlay, I'll stay the night and keep a close eye on her.”

“We'll take Finlay,” Brittany said, wrapping an arm around Corey's waist.

“Who's...?” the cop began to ask.

“Her nearly seven-months-old son, who only has her in this world,” Heather replied dryly. “So you better find the bastard who put his Mum in the ICU because I'm gonna have a word with them.”

“Right... I'll go see how's it going,” The officer said, and marched away.

“I have other patients to check on, but let me know if you need anything,” Dr Montgomery said before leaving as well. Becky Sauerbrunn squeezed Ali's arm and looked apologetic.

“I should leave too, but keep me updated?” Ali nodded.

“Will do.”

“Ali,” Corey looked about to throw up, “can I see her?”

“Yeah, come on.”

As practically all of them were doctors, they had no problem being allowed in the ICU and stood around Ashlyn's bed. The patient had a thick bandage around her head, an oxygen mask, and was unconscious.

“Oh God...” Corey shook his head and took his cousin's good hand. “Ash...”

“She's going to be fine, right?” Brittany asked Ali anxiously as the brunette doctor stood by, looking sadly at Ashlyn.

“I really hope so, but she's battling a big infection now, she's lost some blood and it's weakened her, and her brain is really swollen,” Ali said against her will. “There are a large number of things that could go wrong and complications that could happen. But assuming in the next twenty-four hours her fever goes down, the infection reduces and the brain swelling goes down as well.. I'd be optimistic. It'd just be a matter of finding out exactly how bad the brain injury is, hope that at least her personality is intact and she can hope to recover her capacities with rehabilitation.”

“I should call her parents,” Corey murmured. “I'll make it look better so they don't have an accident on their way here.”

“She's a tough one, Corey,” Nick tried to console them. “Tomorrow she'll look better, you'll see.”

“She may not wake up, right?” Corey said, tentatively looking at Tobin, who was a neurosurgeon.

“It could be, even more if the infection spreads to her brain, but,” Tobin smiled small to encourage him. “Chances are she'll wake up and be a little impaired, which rehabilitation can work with. She responded to external stimuli, she's not paralysed, she's breathing on her own with just extra support to ensure her brain gets plenty of oxygen despite the nose injury. She's got good odds.”

“I've got to go check on the A&E and other patients, but I'll be right back and stay the night,” Ali told them. “Don't go crazy with worry, okay? I won't lose sight of her.”

“Thank you Ali,” Corey smiled small at him, and she nodded back.

“McDonald,” Ali found her StR just a couple metres away. “I want you glued to Dr Harris, okay? Anything that happens, if she so much as moves an eyelid, you page me, okay?”

“Yes ma'am.”

Ali went then to take care of her patients, and for a while was busy with them. Then, Chief Wambach called all the consultants for a meeting, and informed them that Nurse Pugh had been arrested on suspicion of assault, and had been temporary suspended until it was cleared-out whether he had really had anything to do with Ashlyn's injuries. But the security cameras that were here and there in the hospital corridors had shown that Ashlyn and Pugh walked together in the floor above where she was found, and walked in the direction of the stairwell. Then, another camera had shown Pugh alone in the OB/GYN floor, asking for help. When he had been asked why he had lied and said he had never actually gotten to meet Ashlyn, he hadn't been able to give a convincing answer, which had sealed the deal for the police.

Now they only had to wait and see how Ashlyn recovered.

  
  



	14. The hardest hours

**Chapter 14: The hardest hours.**

As a trauma surgeon, Ali was used to long hours and worry all through the night. But this was a different kind of anguish and worry. She did her best not to leave Ashlyn's side unless it was absolutely necessary, and her brother Kyle helped her guard over the paediatric surgeon's dreams, ensuring no problems would arise. Because Ashlyn was such a beloved surgeon in the hospital, having really made an impact on the Junior Doctors that were now StRs when she was a Registrar and had to teach them, and having been in the hospital for nearly a decade save for the year and a half in New York, Ali turned out to not be the only one checking on her as often as possible. Every few minutes, a doctor, a nurse, sometimes even people Ali had never been introduced to, appeared to check on Ashlyn and ask about her well-being.

“She looks like shit,” Pinoe commented in the morning, when the group of friends came to have breakfast around Ashlyn, who hadn't worsened nor improved over night. Pinoe wasn't wrong; breaking her nose had made all of Ashlyn's face appear bruised, even if the nose was already fixed and in a special kind of cast. It'd be that way for a couple days at least. “When she improves a little I could check that nose out and make sure Finlay still recognizes her. It was such a beautiful nose.”

“It still is Pinoe, the fracture was minimal, barely a crack,” Ali looked at her in amusement, sitting by the bed eating a yoghurt.

“What do you guys think that happened?” Alex Morgan asked, half-way into eating an apple, standing by the feet of the bed.

“Maybe she told the father and he didn't like it and hit her. Maybe he then threw her down the stairs to camouflage the injuries,” Corey suggested, frowning at her cousin in concern.

“Have you called her parents yet?” Whitney asked him then.

“I called Mike, he said not to tell anyone else just yet and said he'd come and see her himself and then find the way to best tell Tammye, so she doesn't go and get an ethylic coma. As for Chris, the guy's a drug addict and he's just now semi fine in rehab, so they're not telling him, no one's telling him.”

“Her Mum's an alcoholic?” Ali inquired with a worried frown. She didn't know much about Ashlyn's family. She knew Chris had drug issues, but that was about it.

“She is,” Corey nodded. “It was way worse when we were younger, now she's pretty much sober... but she has very poor emotional management. One blow like this and we'll lose her.”

“Dr Krieger!” they turned to see Dr McDonald running towards them with a big folder. “Dr Krieger, I think we made a mistake.”

“A mistake?” Ali frowned. That wasn't a word she liked in the slightest.

“You have to see this,” Dr McDonald handed her the folder. “Dr Harris' medical records are there. She has a history of drug abuse, and we're pumping her with drugs now.”

Ali calmly opened the folder and went through it. She found it difficult at times to put on her professional mask when going through folders of a friend who hadn't been ready to share that much information with her. It felt like she was invading her privacy, but she knew that right then, she was her doctor, and the Chief had trusted her to be professional. It was better Ali was her doctor than anyone else who had known her for years and were supposedly more attached.

“Oh, no need to worry,” Cory intervened, casually scratching his very short light brown hair. “She was addicted to OxyContin and Fentanyl, none of which have been prescribed for her now, I checked.”

Ali eyed him and then looked back at the papers.

“All right,” she nodded. “We should be very cautious with pain medication then. We'll lower the morphine and try to just keep her calm with anxiolytics if necessary. Good job McDonald.”

“Also, her last scans came out, they're in there too,” McDonald pointed out. “Seems like her brain is in better shape, should I consult Dr Sauerbrunn to see if she could reposition the skull today?”

“I'll talk to her, I'm more comfortable waiting full twenty-four hours and then tomorrow we'll see, we're still on the look-out for infections.”

“Yes Doctor,” he nodded and received the files back, walking away.

“How's Finn?” Ali asked Corey, looking up at him.

“He gave us the night,” Corey replied. “I'm trying not to complain because I never heard Ash complain when she babysat my kids, but I guess he really misses her. She's always made a point not to leave him alone through whole nights and here he is, fourteen hours without her so far, grumpy as hell. Brittany's keeping him entertained at home, we gave him Ash's white coat and it seems like it comforted him some, must still be smelling of her.”

“Well done,” Ali smiled small at him, happy the boy she had come to feel as a nephew was doing well.

“I'm just implementing every little thing my cousin ever taught me about babies,” Corey snorted a laugh. “Hugging them shirtless so they can be soothed with your heartbeat, speaking soft because they prefer female voices, comfort toys...”

“Baby steps,” Heather patted his back.

“Corey!” they looked over and saw a middle-aged big man coming inside with an unfriendly expression torn with worry. He had bespectacled hazel eyes, a dimple in his right cheek, a white goatee and short moustache, and receding, short white hair, and he looked big enough to knock the security guards out if he had to. “Where's my baby girl?”

“Uncle Mike,” Corey rushed to him and brought him to Ashlyn. “She's okay, she's stable now.”

“My poor baby...” Mike shook his head and his round face leaned to kiss Ashlyn's face. “What have they done to you?”

“Uncle Mike, this is her doctor, Ali Krieger, she's a Trauma Surgeon so she knows a load of stuff,” Corey smiled encouragingly at Ali, who offered a polite smile and a hand when Mike turned around to see her. “She's also Ashlyn's flatmate, so she's a friend and will take the best care of Ashlyn.”

“Oh, in that case, nice to meet you. I'm Mike, Ashlyn's Dad,” Mike shook her hand.

“The pleasure is all mine, I only wish it was under better circumstances,” Ali replied, and Mike nodded, looking back at his daughter and caressing her cheek softly.

“She gonna be okay, right?”

“Mike, your daughter has very serious injuries and even though she's been stable for fourteen hours now, I don't want to get too ahead of myself and make things better than they are. She had a skull fracture and some bleeding in her brain,” Ali explained with her best professional tone. “Our best neurosurgeon, Dr Sauerbrunn, had to take a portion of her skull out because her brain was so swollen it needed more space in order to avoid elevated brain pressure, and she's going to try and put it back tomorrow.”

“All right,” he nodded, placing a hand on his daughter's shoulder.

“So, her brain is our biggest concern now, because an injury like that may have... left her a little mentally disabled, hopefully it's not much and can be fixed with rehab, but we can't know for sure until she's awake.”

“When will she wake-up then?” Mike looked between them inquisitively. “She's not just going to be unconscious forever, right?”

“It's hard to tell, but perhaps tomorrow or the next day, when we can lower the dose of the medications that keep her sleeping now. It's just that for now,” Ali explained gently, “she needs some powerful medication for the pain, seizure prevention and antibiotics, and it's a big cocktail, it's normal it makes her very, very sleepy, so even if she seemed to be waking-up a little, it's likely it'll just be seconds and she's in an out for a couple days or so.”

“Wait did you say seizures?”

“She had one before surgery, we're trying to leave it at that,” Ali confirmed with a nod. “It was very likely caused by the brain swelling in a closed space, so now that there's more space it shouldn't happen again.”

“Okay so...” Mike looked full of concern and looked from her daughter to her daughter's doctor. “If her brain gets better then she's out of the woods, right?”

“Well there's one more thing that worries me which is that she received serious blows to the abdomen, which caused severe internal bruising and lacerations, she was lucky major organs like the liver or the spleen are intact, but she did get a small hole in her intestines, which I repaired in surgery,” Ali continued to explain, hoping she wouldn't drive Mike to drinks with stress.

“Well if you repaired it she should be fine, right?”

“Yes, problem is the intestines, because of their function, are full of bacteria inside. When the hole occurred, the contents spilled into her abdominal cavity causing great amounts of bacteria to be released and provoking peritonitis, which is an infection of the inner lining of her belly, which could spread the infection into other organs or the blood. So we're giving her antibiotics to keep that under control, fluids to prevent dehydration and nutrients into the veins because she's healing a broken nose so they can't go through the nose.”

“God...” Mike rubbed his face and nodded, filled with concern.

“There are also some minor fractures, her right wrist and a few ribs, but they're under control and shouldn't cause anything but discomfort until they heal,” Ali added glancing at Ashlyn. “She'll probably be here for a couple weeks, but she'll be surrounded by people who care about her every hour, Mike. I'm here almost always, and if I'm not here someone else is.”

“Thank you,” Mike nodded and took a deep breath, patting her daughter's shoulder gently before looking at the doctors. “Corey said something about her being pregnant? We thought she couldn't be pregnant. And that she was single.”

“Yes, well, uh...” Ali felt her ears go red. She was going to make Ashlyn pay for having her discuss her sexual affairs with her father. “She had a one night thing with a nurse of this hospital, she wasn't dating anyone. So yesterday, she must've felt something and took a test, and it was a positive, so she came to me for a blood test to be completely sure. The results are not in yet, but they're no longer necessary. She was pregnant, very early in the first trimester. Dr Montgomery, the Head of OB/GYN here, said her supposed infertility was due to the abnormal shape of her uterus, but it appears that it could still happen, just that the odds were very bad. Unfortunately it seems like her injuries led to a miscarriage, and Dr Montgomery said now the chances are even lower, because after a miscarriage is always harder.”

Mike scowled deeply in thought, which made Ali have to repress the smile that his similarity in gestures with Ashlyn was going to provoke.

“I see, well... fortunately we have little Finn, how's my grandson, Brittany has him?”

“Yes, he's okay Uncle Mike.”

“Good,” Mike sighed. “Any idea who did this to my baby?”

“Police is on it,” Whitney informed him. “They've arrested the nurse she slept with, he was the last person she was seen with and the one who found her and claims she fell down the stairs, so they're interrogating him, they suspect he might've assaulted her because she wanted to have the baby and maybe he didn't.”

“She had gone to inform the father,” Ali explained. “She...” _You told her to do that. She wasn't going to say anything. And you left her alone with him._ “Excuse me,” she stopped herself as she felt her eyes become glassy, “I just remembered I have something to do, I'll be right back.”

Ali looked down, turned around, and rushed out of the ICU. She ran through the corridors and by the time she was harshly knocking on Dr Aldern's office door, there were tears streaming down her face.

“Come in,” the therapist's voice called from inside.

Ali came inside, closing the door, and started to cry in front of the surprised older woman, who stood up and walked to her in concern.

“Ashlyn may die and it's all my fault!”

  
  



	15. Pariah

**Chapter 15: Pariah.**

“Poor thing, she feels so guilty,” Whitney whispered, carefully wrapping a cotton blanket around Ali, who had fallen asleep sitting on a tool with her head on her arms on the very thin edge of Ashlyn's bed. “Hasn't left her side.”

“Yeah, I tried to tell her the only thing we could blame her for was saving her life, but...” Corey sighed, contemplating her cousin. “Can't decide which one is more stubborn.”

Things had gone downhill at night. The peritonitis caused abdominal abscesses, which caused for the infection to spread into the blood. Ali had detected an incoming sepsis shock quite early, but it had still been big, caused another seizure and they had to bring her back into the theatre to control the internal infection and remove another portion of skull due to more brain swelling. As it was, things weren't looking good.

A couple days later, Ashlyn was still sedated in the ICU under intense doses of antibiotics while Ali was in the ICU desk updating Ashlyn's chart and Corey, Whitney and Pinoe accompanied Ashlyn during their dinner break. Ali was just closing the chart and passing it on to a nurse when she peeked Mallory Pugh, in his normal street wear, walking into the ICU. Feeling her blood boil, she rushed to face him.

“What are you doing here?” she snapped between grilled teeth, doing her best to not shout even though his sole presence made him angrier by the minute.

He frowned at her.

“And you are?”

“Doctor Krieger, Ashlyn's doctor. And you are persona non grata so get out.”

“Look, I just came to check on her. I heard she was pregnant with my child and she lost it, so I'm coming to care for her and make sure she's doing all right,” he said tiredly. Ali wasn't gulping it.

“I'll call the police if you don't leave right now, Pugh.”

“The police released me. There isn't enough evidence to prove I hurt her, as it turns out, I didn't. I found her and I saved her life calling in doctors, I'm not the devil.”

“Tell that to whoever will believe you, but I won't. As Ashlyn's doctor, I am vetoing you from here, and as a suspended nurse, you better not make me call the chief,” Ali was pretty much grumbling now and she turned around, walking back to Ashlyn and their friends.

“Everything all right?” Corey asked, standing up and staring at Pugh over Ali's shoulder.

“Yeah, don't worry Corey, he won't come close if he knows what's convenient for him,” Ali reassured him. “How's my favourite patient uh?” she always smiled and talked warmly to Ashlyn, even if she was unconscious and not responding back or looking at her. She caressed her cheek as she calmed herself down, relishing on the warmth coming from Ashlyn's skin. Her temperature was, at last, not too high and not too low, just where it should be, which meant the antibiotics were working. “You work on getting better, and I'll take care of you.” She murmured, leaning to press her lips gently against Ashlyn's temple.

“I think Dr Krieger told you to leave, Pugh.”

Ali heard Corey and turned around, seeing Pugh had come over after all.

“Are you serious now?” Ali snapped again, walking to him.

“I didn't hurt her. I care about her. I've had a crush on her for years, I want to help her,” Pugh assured her stubbornly. “You must believe me because the longer you guys go after me, the longer the real attacker could be walking these hospital halls, coming close to her when you're not looking. She could get hurt again!”

“You bloody bastard,” Ali gritted her teeth, glaring at him, even though he was slightly taller and quite wider. “I am an Army Major, do you seriously think I don't know assault injuries when I see them? Others may hesitate, but I don't. I know Ashlyn's injuries are consistent with someone with your weight and strength, And you made a terrible mistake. Ashlyn played goalkeeper in high school, which means she's trained to take hits to the head and have a strong neck to prevent concussions, so her skull could in no way have gotten so damage through a mere fall downstairs that wasn't even that big because it's broken by the middle landing. And if all her brain injuries were from that alone, she would have hit multiple areas of the head and have an even grade of injury in all, but no, she has one area that clearly looks like it took a heavy blow consistent with a bat or a crash. And her neck strain suggests someone grabbed her head when she was on the ground and hit her head multiple times in the same direction against the floor,” she rambled angrily. “I'm pretty sure this was done so she'd lose consciousness and get amnesia, in hopes that she wouldn't be able to identify you, right?”

“Anyone could've done that, in fact, someone else did.”

“Except that no one else knew she was pregnant save you and I,” Ali said dryly. “And this is important, you know why?”

“Why?”

“Because whoever hit her, kicked her several times in the lower belly. She had some bruises elsewhere, but massive bruises concentrated on the pubis and lowest abdomen, including her intestines. Which is weird in a fall from stairs because when someone rolls downstairs they naturally acquire a fetal position which protects that area the most. But that's the area someone would go for if they knew she was pregnant and was trying to terminate the pregnancy. And the only person who could have reasons to do this is you.”

Ali was victorious inside the moment she noticed a slight flash of panic cross Pugh's eyes, and then he snorted trying to undermine her in vain.

“Nonsense.”

“For a nurse who apparently is brainless? Yes. For an experienced trauma surgeon? No. And at this hour, a full report written by me is being handed over to the police by the Chief of Surgery of this hospital, so... if I were you, I'd run like hell, because if you stay here one second more, I will hurt you.”

They stared defiantly at each other for a long moment, and then, slowly, Pugh stepped back, turned around, and ran away.

“Good job Major,” Pinoe said full of amusement.

“Mer...” they turned around, hearing the voice they had missed most. “Mer... dith...” Ashlyn's lips barely moved and her voice was so weak it was hard to make out what she was saying. They held their breaths for a moment, looking at her, waiting for her to say anything else or open her eyes, and when that didn't happen, Ali walked to the head of the bed and sat on the edge, softly caressing her cheek.

“It's okay, Ash. You're going to be just fine,” Ali said gently, smiling small as she felt the slight movement of Ashlyn's face leaning into her touch. “Pinoe, please go get Sauerbrunn.”

“On it,” Pinoe rushed away to get the nurses to find the doctor.

Carefully, Ali removed the oxygen mask from Ashlyn's face, as it was only for support and Ashlyn was breathing much better now that her nose had improved significantly. It still looked a little bruised, but better. Ali grabbed the jar of water that was on a small table by the bed, and one of the little sterilized sponges from a drawer, which she humidified before using it to tap Ashlyn's lips, squeezing it a little so some drops went inside her mouth and hydrated it after days of not drinking. It wasn't the first time she did this, but it was the first time that Ashlyn's lips closed a little around the sponge, weakly trying to squeeze some water inside her mouth.

“Look at that,” Corey, standing next to them, grinned. “There you go cousin, baby steps.”

“Well done, you're doing so good,”Ali smiled big and filled a glass of water, using a little syringe without a needle to get some water inside. She put the tip of it against Ashlyn's parted lips and carefully pushed some drops of water into her mouth.

“Mm...” Ashlyn's lips moved to get some more and gulped the water down.

“There you go, dry mouth sucks, I know,” Ali put the syringe aside and cupped her face, content when once more Ashlyn leaned into her touch as her thumb rubbed her cheek gently. “Sleep, we'll look after you.”

“M...” the whisper came stronger through Ashlyn's lips this time. “Mer... Mere... dith...”

“Meredith's okay,” Ali reassured her, understanding she was still groggy and confused. “She's okay. You don't have to worry about her anymore.”

“What's happening?” Dr Sauerbrunn appeared all of the sudden and Corey moved away to let her examine Ashlyn.

“She's responsive. She had a tiny bit of water and she was just asking about her late wife,” Ali explained. “She hasn't opened her eyes, but she's responsive.”

“Thank God,” The blonde, beautiful Dr Sauerbrunn broke her serious expression to form a satisfied smile . “Welcome back Dr Harris, we've missed you. Now, I know you're tired, but I need to check your pupils really quick, okay? I'll do my best not to bother you too much,” she carefully put her thumb on one of Ashlyn's eyelids and pulled it open a little, checking it with her small lantern stick. Ashlyn groaned and frowned, and even more when she repeated the process with the other, but Dr Sauerbrunn seemed satisfied. “I'm pretty sure we can put the skull back in place tonight.”

“Awesome news,” Corey grinned victoriously.

“Yeah, let's let her rest, and in a couple hours I'll send Tobin to prep her for surgery.”

“I'll call Mike, you stay?”

“Yeah,” Ali nodded at Corey and looked back at Ashlyn. “I'll stay.”

  
  


  
  



	16. Welcome back

**Chapter 16: Welcome back.**

Early in the morning, Ali was just adjusting Ashlyn's bed position so the head of it would be a little upwards, carefully putting more pillows behind Ashlyn's back and bandaged head and tucking her in, when she noticed Ashlyn's eyelids were slightly parted. Feeling her stomach jump to her throat in excitement, Ali tentatively caressed her cheek and saw her eyes close and after a moment, open again, this time a little further, slowly, until they were completely open and looking up at Ali filled with exhaustion and curiosity.

“Hi there,” Ali whispered, smiling big at her. “I missed those beautiful eyes of yours.”

“Ali? That you?” Ashlyn inquired weakly, her voice so hoarse she tried to clear it.

“Yeah, it's me. Is your vision blurry?”

“Tiny bit... Finn...? Where's...”

“He is just fine, up in the nursery. I'm pretty sure Pinoe is playing with him, we're taking turns,” Ali explained. It was the highlight of her day to go up to the nursery and hold Finlay against her chest for a while. It always made her feel better. “I know what may help your eyes, hold on...” she rummaged in the drawers of the little auxiliary table by the bed and found eye drops, that she carefully put on Ashlyn's eyes. “There... better?”

Ashlyn blinked a few times and then smiled small and nodded.

“Thanks,” she murmured. It was sometimes common for the eyes to get dry and see a little blurry, so with the problem solved, she looked around and recognized the ICU. She wondered what could've happened. She was weak, and her head and tummy hurt a little, nothing too big, and she was somewhat dizzy. “What...?” Ashlyn noticed her thinking and brain were slow, so she just looked helplessly at Ali, who smiled comfortingly.

“You don't remember anything, do you?”

Ashlyn stared into her beautiful brown eyes for a long moment and then it clicked.

“You... the baby, I'm pregnant, we were going to...” Ashlyn couldn't remember. There had been a baby, she knew it, and she was talking about it with Ali. “The garden...”

“You told me you were pregnant, and I convinced you to talk with the baby Daddy,” Ali explained softly, reaching out to hold her hand, careful with the cast around her wrist. “And I'm so sorry I did that, Ashlyn. I was supposed to be with you, you weren't supposed to do it alone. But I had an emergency and had to leave you, and... you went to look for him. Mallory Pugh, remember?”

“He's uh... he...” Ashlyn closed her eyes for a moment, needing to clear her head out. Her memories were a blur and she wasn't sure what she remembered. “He was angry... he was... so angry...” she looked back at Ali. “I was scared...” Ali felt a knot in her throat, feeling so guilty and sorry for her friend, and nodded slowly. Ashlyn wasn't vocalizing very well and still had a weak voice, but she understood her well.

“I think he didn't take the news happily,” Ali commented. “I think he hurt you, sweetie. Because the next time I saw you, you were on my operating table with severe injuries. You're better now, much better, but you've had some rough days, you were unconscious. But don't worry, because we've been taking care of Finlay for you, so he's just fine.”

Ashlyn lightly frowned, too weak to do it properly, and attempted to sit up, but Ali gently pushed her back against the mattress.

“My son... I have to...”

“You can't move yet,” Ali was pained seeing Ashlyn's eyes starting to water. She was probably utterly confused, growing anxious, worrying about her child more than about herself, unconscious of her own level of injury. “I know you want to see him, and I promise you I'll bring him to you as soon as possible, but I have to be your doctor now, Ash, and I can't let you move until you're more recovered.”

“Ali,” Ashlyn let an anguished sob out, “I don't feel so well.”

“I know,” Ali kissed her forehead, trying to comfort her. “You have a skull fracture that's healing, and your nose fractured too but it's looking much better, just like your fractured right wrist and a few ribs, but they won't look so well if you move around, sweetie, okay? Trust me, I'm taking care of you, and I'm taking care of Finlay, I promise you,” Ashlyn nodded, calming down as soon as Ali started caressing her cheek again. “You got a perforated bowel, and it caused peritonitis, which caused sepsis, but we caught it early. Still, that's why you're still feeling a little under the weather, okay? And your fever's gone down, you're doing much better, but it's a slow process.”

“What about... the baby?”

Ali sighed and shook her head.

“I'm so sorry... the injuries were too bad and... you miscarried. It wasn't your fault,” Ali said, feeling so sad for her friend as Ashlyn's expression filled with sadness and hurt. “Somebody assaulted you, Ashlyn. It was their fault. I think Pugh did this to you, but the police is going to find out, okay? They've arrested him this morning for a second time and I think this one will be the one. I'm sorry all of this is happening and the baby's gone but... you need to stay strong, okay? You still have another baby who needs you and misses you, and the sooner you recover, the sooner you can go home with him.”

“Please... let me see him... just one minute...”

Ali sighed and nodded, finally giving in. She took her phone and called Corey, asking him to bring the baby over if he could. They waited for a few minutes, while Ali comforted Ashlyn and helped her relax, but at last Corey came in, grinning big and holding Finlay wide awake against his chest.

“Look who's there Finlay! It's Mummy!”

“Mu-mu!” Finlay babbled, extending his arms towards Ashlyn, who gasped and nearly started crying again.

“There you are my sweet prince,” Ali grinned, taking Finlay and carefully putting him against Ashlyn's chest, holding part of his weight herself so he wouldn't squash her poor ribs. “Don't overdo it, okay?” she gave Ashlyn a warning look and she nodded, groaning from effort as she got her right arm to move so she could hold her baby and kiss his face.

“Hi baby... I missed you,” Ashlyn whispered, feeling herself relax just with his presence there. She had been so worried. “What's wrong with my hand?” she looked down at her left hand, that she could barely open and close, and with immense effort. She didn't seem to have enough strength to lift her arm up. “I can't move... what's wrong?”

“Okay, calm down, it's just from the head injury. It'll get better,” Ali helped her move her left arm so she could hold the baby better, and stayed sitting on the edge of the bed helping her hold him. “That's okay, well done. Don't hurt yourself.”

But Ashlyn didn't need to move a bit more. She had closed her eyes and had her lips against the space between Finlay's eyebrows, breathing deeply to soothe herself while her son babbled non-stop and drooled on her, one of his tiny hands palming her cheek and the other holding onto her fingers.

Ali felt a hand on her shoulder and turned to see Corey smiling big at her.

“Well done, Doc.”

They stayed there until the nurses had to check Ashlyn's surgical wounds, time Ali used to change Finlay's nappy and feed him, and then they returned and Ali helped her friend lie down leaving space for Finlay to be between the bed railings and her so they could sleep together for a few hours. She would stay and watch over them, passing her patients to her fellows for the day.

Visitors came and went, including Ashlyn's father, and by dinner time, Ashlyn was feeling much better and Ali managed to convince her to eat some purée and have some juice, on the condition that Ali would hold Finlay in her arms next to Ashlyn while he was sleeping. Heather, Whitney and Nick came with trays full of dinner for those who weren't on a post-surgery diet, so the whole group of friends could enjoy some dinner while they made Ashlyn company once their shifts had ended, and they put her up to date on her own patients and the hospital and any gossip they had.

They were just gossiping about some romantic triangle between some Junior Doctors and laughing about it, when Abby came accompanied by the same female police officer Ali had met after operating on Ashlyn the first time.

“Hello, nice to see our girl is in a good mood,” Abby smiled at Ashlyn. “How're you feeling?”

“Like I had the worst flu of my life, but pretty good thanks to this one,” Ashlyn smiled weakly at Ali, who grinned in response. “Sorry for the scare, I promise after this I'm going on a strict no getting in trouble diet.” She joked.

“Good,” Abby nodded satisfied. “Well, sorry to intrude but this is important. Met Detective Inspector Amanda is investigating what happened to you, and if you're feeling up for it, she'd like to know anything you may remember.”

“I can come back tomorrow too, if you prefer, no pressure,” The DI reassured her. “But having in count that we really need your testimony in order to further prosecute Mr Mallory Pugh, it'd be fantastic if you could give me anything now.”

Ashlyn nodded slowly and put her purée aside on the bed table.

“My memory's kind of a fog, but I've been thinking about it and...” Ashlyn nodded for herself. “I think I sort of know what happened, more or less. I was looking for Pugh because he was the father of the baby I was pregnant with. I had decided to have it, and I thought he ought to know what was happening. So I found him in... I think it could be the Neuro floor?”

“It's the one above where she was found,” Abby explained to the officer. “It's where the cameras last saw her with Pugh.” The officer nodded, noting it on a small notebook.

“Yeah, I told him to come with me to talk and I wasn't sure where to go, so we went to the stairwell that goes down to OB/GYN,” Ashlyn continued. “I don't remember exactly what was said, I know I got to tell him what I had to say and that we fought. We were shouting at each other, I can't tell exactly what he said to me but...” she sighed. “I don't know, maybe someone heard us.”

“Yes, there are a few doctors and nurses who said they heard shouting there, said it was definitely a woman and a man and when asked if it was possible the voices matched yours and Pugh, they said it could be,” said DI Perkins. Her blue eyes fixed on Ashlyn and she smiled encouragingly. “They could quote the man saying 'you're missing the point' and 'I said no', if that rings any bells?”

“I don't know...” Ashlyn looked thoughtful. “After that it's just very foggy. I remember hitting something, being in pain and... when it seemed like it was all over, I felt a very bad pain on my head and the light went off, if you know what I mean. But I think that the last I did was fight with Pugh, and I'm not one to fall downstairs. I did once, a couple years ago, in bigger stairs than those because my shoes were untied, and all I got were a few bruises, a month of aches, and a minor case of amnesia, nothing this bad. And I learned my lesson and ever since, even more since I have a son I climb stairs with at times, I've gotten used to always holding onto the railing. Gee, I've even fallen skating and it wasn't this bad, someone did this to me and my bet is on Pugh.”

“Can you tell me about your relationship with him? Were you guys dating?”

“Oh, no, no,” Ashlyn snorted a laugh. “No, we had nothing in common. I met him on my first year here, when I was in my early twenties and fresh out of med school. He was always flirting with me, quite hard, sometimes a little too much. He didn't get a no for an answer, and when I finally started dating who would later be my wife, she lost it once and slapped him because he had gotten too insistent with me and was about to cross many lines, touching my ass and stuff. Then he learned to get some distance. I could've complained about him to the Chief of the time, but I was a newbie and he wasn't, and I figured no one would believe me.”

“Would you say he was stalking you?”

“Yeah,” Ashlyn nodded. “So I didn't particularly like him. We never went out together, nothing ever happened. I had dated guys before but, I was happy with Meredith, and we ended-up married, so there was never anyone else for me. And then a year and a half ago or so... my wife and I had to leave this hospital and work in New York City for a while. She died, and I came back to work here early in January.”

“Which was when you slept with Mr Pugh, that's right?”

“Yes. I uh... I don't make a habit out of sleeping around, further less with a son...”

“You don't have to explain. You're the victim, no one's going to blame you.”

Ashlyn smiled small and nodded, grateful.

“I've been dealing with the whole grieving process, I've only been a widow for seven months now, so... I decided that if Pugh was still interested in me, I could give him what he wanted and maybe feel a little better, I don't know. And we didn't have condoms, but I thought I was infertile, and I took the pill the next day anyway, and he's a nurse so for some reason it didn't occur to me he could even have some STDs, so... we did it,” she sighed. “And then a few days ago, I wasn't getting my period when I was supposed to, and I brushed it off until a patient made me think, what if? The more I thought about it, the more I realized it could very well be, you know? My boobs had been a little tender, and I had been a little disgusted with coffee, I had been a little nauseous... all these little things I had just shrugged off and forgotten about them, but that looking back? I saw it on my wife when she was pregnant with our son. So I realized chances were I was pregnant and took a bunch of urine tests, bunch of positives. And then I went to speak to Ali...”

“She told us what happened then,” the DI pointed out, and Ashlyn nodded.

“She probably remembers it better than me, at this point,” Ashlyn joked with a small dry smile. “Look, I wasn't looking for another child, my son's only seven months, my hands are full. But I figured it'd be more traumatic not to have it or give it up for adoption than just go ahead. And talking with Ali... I don't know, I felt that I could do it. I had always wanted to go through a pregnancy and was heartbroken when years back they told me I wasn't fertile. I figured it was my chance, and got excited with it, you know? And Pugh, I knew he didn't want a child. He didn't have sex with me until I said I'd take the pill. So I wasn't expecting him in the picture, I'm sure I told him... but I wanted to have it, and whatever part he wanted to take in it or not, was okay by me.”

“I understand,” DI Perkins nodded. “Have you noticed if anything has been stolen from you? We can't rule out the possibility that the assault was robbery.”

“Uh...” Ashlyn shrugged. “I'd only have my pager and my phone on, and Corey has them... oh one second,” she just noticed her naked finger. “My wedding band! It was right here, I never take it off.”

“Don't worry about it, I'm keeping it safe,” Ali smiled comfortingly at her, with her arms wrapped around Finlay.

“Thanks! Then, no, no robbery.”

“Okay, perfect. This is going to help us a lot,” DI Perkins smiled politely at her and put away her notebook in her pocket. “Thank you, and best wishes.”

“Before you go,” Ashlyn stopped her. “Can I know what he's told you?”

The DI seemed to consider the request for a moment. Technically, she wasn't supposed to be giving away information about criminal suspects, but having in count that it was the victim who was asking, someone who could've died, she decided to give in.

“He first said he never saw you until he found you in the stairs,” she explained, “and then when he was seen in the security cameras walking with you, he changed his version and said he did see you and that you were insisting you both needed to talk, so you went to find somewhere private but then he remembered he had some post-ops to check in and left, and you agreed to talk later. He says that shortly after he left, he heard a big sound like falling from the stairs, turned around and ran to help, and found you. If you want my honest opinion, his version crumbles by itself.”

Ashlyn nodded slowly, and picked up her dinner.

“Thank you.”

With the officer and Abby gone, they settled back into their comfortable dinning. Ali was going back to their flat with Finlay that night, for the first time since Ashlyn's assault, and Corey would substitute her by Ashlyn's bedside so she could get a proper night of rest on a bed. Mike had been staying in Ashlyn's flat, but after checking she was feeling much better just an hour before, he was driving back to Brighton to give the family the good news and return to work.

“I wish you didn't have to go,” Ashlyn told her son as she scooped him up one last time before Ali took him away. “I love you so much my handsome muffin, you're the best thing I've ever done.” She hugged him as tight as she could with an useless arm and a fractured wrist, peppering kisses all over his face. He had woken up, but he was already yawning. “Be good to Auntie Ali, okay? Yeah?” she kissed him one last time. “Okay, you can take him.”

“Off we go pumpkin,” Ali took the child and smiled at Ashlyn's pouty face. “I'll come back in the morning and bring him to say hi, but tomorrow he seriously needs to spend more time in nursery than here, okay? When they put you in a room, we'll let him hang out more.”

“I know, the ICU is for very sick people, not kids. But I missed him.”

“He missed you too. We all did,” Ali kissed her cheek soundly. “Try get some rest, okay? I'll see you soon.”

“You too. And Ali?”

“Yeah?”

Ashlyn stared at her trying to convey all she wanted to say. _Thank you for taking care of my child. Thank you for taking care of me. Thank you for being you. Thank you for knowing what to say to me. Thank you for existing._ There were just no words to explain all Ali meant to her. She was so touched, she hardly knew what to say.

“Thank you for everything. I owe you big time.”

Ali, who still felt quite guilty, shook her head.

“Believe me, you don't. Sweet dreams.”

“Sweet dreams you both. Bye bye Finney-Finn.”

Alone with Corey at last, Ashlyn released a long sigh and slumped back on the pillows with a groan.

“So how are you really doing?” Corey inquired, accommodating on his chair.

“My head's about to explode, my left arm and leg feel numb as hell, I have no recollection of how to do an appendectomy and I feel like throwing up, not to mention that now that they're taking away some painkillers, I'm starting to feel really uncomfortable.”

Corey looked amused at her.

“An appendectomy?”

“Yeah, I keep trying to remember but it's just gone.”

He snorted a laugh and stood up, shaking his head.

“I have rounds, I'll be back in an hour. Try to get some sleep?”

“Yeah... will do that.”

  
  



	17. Girl you got me walking on sunshine

**Chapter 17: Girl you got me walking on sunshine.**

The first thing Ashlyn registered as she reached a state of awareness was the hot sun coming through the open blinds and warming her body. She blinked her eyes open and found herself in a private room, facing another bed that was empty and had a backpack on top, and she could see a antibiotics descending from a plastic bag hung by a rack, into a thin IV tube that ended in her right inside elbow, just above her wrist cast.

“Mm,,,” she groaned, sleepy, and when she registered her left hand being somewhere warm, she turned her head on the pillow and saw Ali smiling warmly at her in a way that made her heart flip. She had Ashlyn's hand between her own, and looked more rested than she had seen her in the three days since she had finally come into herself.

There were no words. They weren't needed. Ali moved one of her hands to stroke Ashlyn's sleepy face and tuck a strand of hair away from her hair and into the thick bandage Ashlyn's head was wrapped in, and she could just perceive how much Ali cared about her. So, feeling safe and comfortable, Ashlyn gave herself a few minutes to fully wake up. She was on a comfortable hospital bed, and she was still attached to more machines than she liked, that crowded behind the head of her bed, but she was feeling better. It was quiet, peaceful, nice. And her wedding band was back in its place, in the hand Ali was holding.

“Corey and Brittany came and picked up Finlay to go to the park with the kids. They'll bring him back later.”

“That's nice,” Ashlyn said sleepily. “You're not going?”

“No. I finished my shift but... wasn't feeling like being anywhere but here,” Ali brought her hand from Ashlyn's face down to her arm, softly massaging it up and down. Ashlyn was regaining some mobility there, but it still felt really weak, and her fingers were hardly working. They had also noticed she had some small memory holes, as well as some irritability and lack of attention, even more when she was tired.

“You're very sweet,” Ashlyn murmured, trying to squeeze her hand just a bit. “I heard you saved my life. That they put you in charge of me and you saved my life.”

“I was called for an emergency and I did my job, that's all.”

“Oh, come on... I could've died from septic shock. I could've bleed out to death. But I didn't, because you wouldn't leave my side and caught it so early... and I know you don't patrol by every patient's bed, do you?”

Ali smiled small and kissed Ashlyn's hand.

“It's my fault you got into this mess to begin with. Getting you out of it is the least I could do.”

“You didn't hurt me, this isn't on you...”

“You may not remember this,” Ali's voice sounded soft and gentle, like a caress to her eardrums, “but you weren't going to talk to Pugh. He wasn't going to know a thing. But... I convinced you. I am the reason why you went to him and sub-consequently got hurt.”

“If I tell you to go buy bread, and on the way there someone assaults you and steal the crap out of you, it's not my fault,” Ashlyn tried to explain. “And it's not yours. It's the assailant's fault. So how is this any different?”

“Well... uh...”

“It's not,” Ashlyn smirked at her. “In my eyes, you're the one who took care of me, and most importantly, my family, when I needed you the most. Dad had marvellous thing to say about you.”

“Did he?”

“Uhm-mm,” Ashlyn hummed affirmative. “He said you made him a bed, and put his towels in front of the radiator so they'd be warm when he left the shower, and that you did grocery shopping for him and left a note in the flat with the WIFI password and instructions to where everything important was, and that you gave him hourly updates on me even through the night. It was very, very kind of you. Oh, and I heard you shouted bloody murder at Pugh.”

Ali blushed and shrugged shyly.

“Nothing you wouldn't have done for me.”

“Well that's right. I'm so glad I got you, Ali.”

Ali wasn't sure what did it, but she was suddenly sobbing. Perhaps it was the release of all the adrenaline, worry, concern and sadness she had felt for days, or perhaps it was the fact that Ashlyn was being so good to her and she didn't feel worthy, but she crumbled. Ashlyn encouraged to come closer and Ali leaned her face on her shoulder, carefully putting one arm over her belly.

It took Ashlyn a while to soothe her down, and when she did, it almost felt wrong not to kiss her.

“I'm sorry, I just... I was so, so worried. I thought... I don't know...”

“You were afraid I'd die on you,” Ashlyn nuzzled into her hair. “It's okay. I'm okay now, thanks to you.”

“I don't know what I would've done if... if I lost you, I...”

“Don't even think about it. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Even though... I'd love to go home, but hey.” She intended it as a small joke and Ali smiled small, caressing her jaw.

“You're so important to me, Ash... so important.”

Ashlyn smiled against her forehead before kissing her there.

“The feeling is mutual, I can assure you,” they stayed like that for a while, embracing each other, each in their own heads. After a while, Ashlyn broke the silence, “You know... I've told Dr Aldern a lot about you.”

“Me too.”

“Yeah?”

“Sure,” Ali nuzzled more against her shoulder, leaning on the bed. “You're my favourite subject truth be told. Rivalling with Finlay, but still.”

Ashlyn snorted a laugh that tickled Ali's forehead.

“She gave me her blessing to... if you want to, that is... ask you out on a date.”

The news surprised Ali so much that she shot up, staring at her in disbelief.

“What happened to you not being ready?”

“Right, so... I was just thinking, okay? I really like you, Ali. Like, a lot. And you're so great to Finlay, and so great to me, and I love your company. I know I still love Meredith but I also know if I was still so in love with her as I once was, I wouldn't have eyes for anyone else, and I do. And I think it is because... because the last year and a half with Meredith was so, so hard. Probably the hardest of my life, and coming from me that's big words. We grew apart, her illness made her so, so hard to love, and in the final days... I took two months off right before she died, and then another six. And those two months with her? I was already mourning. She didn't recognize me most of the time, she forgot how pregnant she was... it was constant stress. But when I'm with you... it feels like I can breathe again after so long... and I think I'm better with you. All I need is for us to go really, really, really slow. Like, I get we live together, but maybe we could avoid sex for a while, obviously until I'm okay to begin with, but maybe like... slow into it, you know? Not hurry things. And I'd still like to wear my ring. And we could just... date, see where it take us? Have fun? It'd be good for you too, right?”

Ali had let her ramble because in the meantime she had to come up with a good answer. Ashlyn had forgotten she had a boyfriend, even if Ali still ached for her more than for her boyfriend, Damien.

“Ash...” Ali sighed, not wanting to hurt her. “Shit, I... you know I like you too and I care so much about you, but...”

Ashlyn smiled sadly.

“You don't want me.”

“It's not that, it's just that I'm seeing someone. Remember Damien?” Ashlyn's eyes widened in realization. “You forgot about him, sweetie. I'm not available right now.”

“Oh... you're right, I... I'm so sorry. I forgot you were exclusive. I'm sorry.”

“It's okay,” Ali smiled lovingly at her. “You've got brain injury, after all. But just so you know, if Damien and I weren't dating, I would've totally said yes.”

Ashlyn smiled small at her.

“Really?”

“Really.”

Ali's pager went off and she sat up abruptly, looking at it.

“Didn't you finish your shift, Krieger?”

“It seems like a big emergency,” Ali shrugged. “See you later, Harris.”

Ashlyn smiled as Ali kissed her cheek and winked at her, before grabbing her bag and running outside. Ashlyn sighed and looked up at the ceiling. She was so screwed.

  
  



	18. Oh girls just wanna have fun

**Chapter 18: Oh girls just wanna have fun.**

After nine days in hospital, Ashlyn was sick of it. She had never liked hospitals, and the only reason she could stand being in one for work was because while she was working, it was hard to see it as a hospital. It was more a cool university where there was plenty of gossip and she got to cut people open and rummage through their guts. It was fun. But when she was a patient and had to be constantly pocked with the most hateful needles, her patience ran thin like a crêpe.

Luckily, being a big fish in the hospital, she got to have Finlay with her most of the time. Currently, she had managed to recover some left arm mobility and sit-up without agonizing in pain, with much less medication on than she had begun with, so she was sitting on bed against the many pillows she had been given, and had Finlay lying on the mattress between her legs. She had been allowed pyjamas now that she could get up to go to the bathroom, so she was comfortably wiggling toys in the air for Finlay to try and reach, and he was bringing her all the smiles with his coos and his baby noises.

“You're so cute mister, yes you are,” Ashlyn chuckled, patting his stomach as he wiggled her keys in the air and giggled with himself, kicking the air. “Best thing I've ever done for sure.”

She sighed and looked around. The room, like any other hospital room, was minimally furnished. The second bed served as a counter and was currently covered on baby stories, baby clothes, and 'Get Well' cards that she kept receiving. They also covered the window sill, along with a couple 'Get Well' stuffed animals. There were two jars of flowers on top of an auxiliary table, with cards stuck inside from her friends wishing her a speedy recovery, and the TV on the wall was currently off. Ashlyn's laptop was on top of a chest of drawers along with a book for her to read and kill her boredom at times, and a folder with updates on the patients she had left unattended was resting on the feet of her bed. There was also Finlay's trolley on a side, and a wall clock ticking over the TV, and the sun that came through the window reflected on its glass and drew geometrical figures on the floor.

“Auntie Ali was supposed to be here by now,” Ashlyn murmured looking at the clock. “She had a date with Damien.” She looked back at her son, whose drool was reaching his throat by now. She picked a tissue from the auxiliary table by the bed and cleaned him up. “We don't like Damien. He's...” she pursed her lips in thought. “Not Mama. He's not Mama. And he's not good enough for Auntie, right? She deserves better, you agree.” There was a knock on the door and Ali appeared, grinning big. “Oh there she is!”

“Sorry I'm late,” Ali apologized closing the door as she came in. Her eyes stopped in Finlay and her grin grew impossibly big. “Oh that's my favourite boy!” her voice grew several pitches higher, as it often happened when anyone saw Finlay. “Hi sweet Finney-Fu, hi my sweetness, hi!” she acquired the classical baby voice and leaned over the baby, covering him in kisses as he wiggled and try to catch her long dark hair. Ashlyn smiled sweetly at them.

“Oh, he loves you.”

“Not half as much as I love him,” Ali cupped his cheeks sweetly and kissed the tip of his nose. “Handsomest boy ever, yes you!”

“Okay, I'm the sick one?”

“Oh, shush you,” Ali chuckled at her and moved to kiss her cheek.

“Aren't you going to tell me how gorgeous I am and call me sweetness?” Ashlyn teased jokingly, and Ali shook her head, blushing.

“You are something else, for sure,” Ali replied amused, sitting on the feet of the bed and stroking Finlay's blonde, short mane. “You hear that Finney? Mama's trouble...”

“Good trouble though,” Ashlyn chuckled, showing the dimple that made Ali's knees go weak. “How was the date?”

“It was... okay.”

“Oh come on, just okay? Gimme some juice girl, I'm stuck to a bed for five days more!”

“If you're a good patient, that is,” Ali rolled eyes in amusement, and sat in front of Ashlyn mirroring her, kicking her heels away and hanging one leg from each side of the bed while she helped Finlay sit against her belly facing his mother. “He bought flowers, took me to a fancy restaurant, lunch was great.”

“Ah, stereotypical lunch date,” Ashlyn half smiled teasingly. “Where are the flowers?”

“Well, I left them in my locker coming here, figured one more bouquet here and the nurse will have a word with me,” Ali explained.

“Right, so... did you get to third base?”

“Third base?”

“Come on, I have to spell it?” Ashlyn pointed at Finlay and mouthed 'S-E-X'. Ali cracked up.

“Finlay doesn't even know how to say Mama, he's not going to say 'sex',” Ali commented. “No, we didn't get there. He's been... trying to get there, but I'm taking things slow.”

“Wise decision, you don't want to end up with one of these,” Ashlyn jokingly tickled Finlay's naked feet.

“I don't know...” Ali gently pinched Finlay's cheeky face. “This one's really cute.”

“Yeah because he's got my DNA, it's not the norm,” Ashlyn joked. She groaned softly as her belly started to hurt and reached for the bed buttons, so she could lean herself back a little further.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah yeah, don't worry,” Ashlyn lied back and relaxed, keeping her legs on Finlay's sides. Still, Ali stood up, frowning, and went to Ashlyn, and unceremoniously lifted her t-shirt up. “Hey, what...?”

“I'm your doctor, let me check,” Ali slapped her hand away as Ashlyn did an attempt to stop her, and carefully removed the bandage, checking the surgical incisions she had had to make. “Looks good, I'll put some more cream on it just in case...”

“Do you ever disconnect?” Ashlyn asked with amusement as Ali grabbed a tube of antibacterial cream and poured a generous amount over the stitches.

“Never,” Ali smiled at her. “You've got such beautiful tattoos, I'm so glad I didn't have to cut them.” Ali's favourite was the colourful big one that covered her entire left side, with butterflies and flowers and just full of colour. Ashlyn's favourite was her brother's name below her left breast.

Ashlyn loved to watch Ali work on her. She was not just incredibly gentle and delicate, but her touch always gave her goosebumps and the caring way in which she looked at her always made her stomach a little extra happy.

“Thank you,” Ashlyn said as Ali put a clean bandage.

“How are the bowel movements going?”

“Ali! Do we really need to discuss my poo?”

“We call it stool,” Ali smiled softly, washing her hands with a wet tissue. “And I'm your doctor, so yes.”

“My bowels are working better every day,” Ashlyn gave in trying not to blush from shyness. “I'm not eating that much yet anyway so... baby steps.”

“Indeed,” Ali nodded. She was about to accommodate Ashlyn's pillows better when the blonde stopped her, having spotted something on her wrist that took her attention.

“The hell is that?” Ashlyn grabbed her arm and pulled the sleeve up before Ali could stop her. And there she saw, clear as day, a purple and green bruise covering Ali's forearm, with fingers still marked on the skin. “What the...” her eyes widened and she looked up at Ali full of worry. “Was it Damien? Did he touch you? Oh he's so dead...” she went to get out of bed, but Ali gently pushed her back.

“You're not going anywhere, I'm fine.”

“That dickhead hurt you! Has he done anything else to you?” Ashlyn reached to lift her blouse to check, but Ali took her hands and gave her a serious look.

“Stop it, Ashlyn. Damien hasn't touched me. I'm fine.”

“Was it a patient then?” Ashlyn insisted. “Ali, that's product of hard grabbing, just tell me who did it.”

“It was just a patient, okay?” Ali took Finlay, who had fallen asleep, and gently put him in the trolley to sleep, bringing it closer to Ashlyn's bed. “It was just a drunk patient the other night, he apologized when he realized he had gone too far, and I'm fine.” But she wasn't looking at Ashlyn and the later felt she was being lied to.

“Come on, Ali...”

“You need to sleep,” Ali cut her sharply, moving Ashlyn's legs under the blankets and tucking her in. “Rest. I'll check on you later.” She pressed a chaste kiss on her forehead and left so fast Ashlyn had no doubt she was hiding something.

Unable to sleep properly, Ashlyn bore herself to slumber and woke up completely a few hours later when Pinoe, Christen and Tobin came to visit. After waiting patiently for them to finish telling her the gossip of the day and the most interesting cases of the week, Ashlyn cut them to go straight for what was worrying her.

“Hey, is Ali all right?”

The three friends stared at each other in curiosity and looked back at Ashlyn, disconcerted.

“Sure,” Pinoe said. “In any case, you'd know better, you guys are close, right? But she looks fine to me.”

“Yeah,” Christen held Finlay between her arms, playing with him now he was awake again, though sleepy. “Why don't you ask her?”

“She lied. She's hiding something, I can tell,” Ashlyn frowned. “She had a huge bruise on her arm.”

“Did she?” Tobin frowned.

“Do you think Damien...?” Pinoe insinuated, but Ashlyn shrugged.

“I don't know. It was a grab bruise, finger marks and everything... she claimed a patient did it, but I'm not gulping it.”

“Why not? It could be, patients get a little handsy sometimes,” Tobin tried for her to not worry, as she was still recovering.

“Yeah, the other day a poor Junior cried and all because one crossed the line with the shouting,” Christen added. “And Ali's a soldier. If she had wanted to, she would've cracked their nose.”

“Unless of course she doesn't touch patients,” Pinoe suggested, “but I'm sure she's all right. She's got no reason to lie to you.”

“Uhm...” Ashlyn frowned, worried. “Yeah, I don't know... I hope you guys are right.”

It took several days for Ashlyn to find out she had been right all along. She woke up in the middle of the night on her second day back home, hearing the distinct noise of a chair grinding against the floor due to being shoved harshly. She blinked to get used to the darkness, rubbing her eyes as she tried to listen. Ali had gone out on a date, and she was sleeping in the guest room now that Ashlyn was recovering from surgery and assault,

It took her a moment to make out words between the shouting she was hearing.

“You never want anything with me! What are we doing?” a male voice was shouting. “I really like you Ali, but you don't let me in!”

“Into my heart or into my vagina, Damien?!” Ali retorted back. “Don't you wake up the baby, I swear to God...!”

“You started the shouting!”

“Look I'm not ready for this, okay?! Go home.”

“Oh come on! You're never ready! Let's just... go to bed together, okay? Nothing else has to happen.”

The voices died down and Ashlyn puffed, trying to go back to sleep and praying Finlay wouldn't wake up. He had just started sleeping full nine hours and she didn't want to jinx it. But a few minutes later, the shouting was back.

“Get off me! I said no!”

“I'm just kissing you! I can't even bloody kiss you or what?!”

“You know fully well what you were doing! Stop it!”

“Fuck off Ali, you're such a tease!”

“Oh that's enough,” Ashlyn grumbled. She groaned in pain as she sat up and stumbled through her room and outside. She could still hear fumbling and arguing, but it seemed like they were really trying to be quiet now. In the dark, Ashlyn found the light switch and switched the light on, crossed the living room, and knocked on Ali's door. “Ali, open the door!”

The noises inside the bedroom stopped abruptly and Ali's voice came with a tone of alarm that did nothing to comfort Ashlyn.

“Ash, I'm fine, go to bed, I'm sorry I woke you up.”

“Alexandra, open up or I'll call the police, and I swear I will.”

“There's no need Ash I promise—,”

“Okay, I'm calling the police!”

“Okay, fine!” there was a click as the door unlocked and Ali opened the door. The light inside was on, so Ashlyn could clearly see Ali, standing looking breathless, her hair a mess and her jumper looking like it had received a lot of pulling, and next to her stood Damien, her boyfriend. He was a fellow consultant, and he was a tall and handsome brunette with grey eyes and a stubbly face. He looked agitated as well, but managed a small smile. “See? I'm okay.”

“Sorry we woke you up,” Damien offered an apologetic smile, but Ashlyn wasn't happening.

“Damien, please go home,” Ashlyn said tiredly but firmly.

“What? Why?” Ali frowned, confused.

“Because this is my flat and I say so,” Ashlyn replied more firmly, looking serious as she made sure they understood she wasn't asking, she was ordering.

“I'm sorry Ash, have I offended you in any way?” Damien gave her his best innocent expression. Ashlyn looked up at him and sighed.

“Don't make me call the police, it's late, I'm tired, you're leaving.”

“It's okay, we'll go to your place,” Ali tried to dissolve the tension that had formed.

“No, you're staying,” Ashlyn added looking at her, and Ali looked even more confused.

“You can't give me orders Ashlyn. I'm leaving too.”

“Alex,” Ashlyn gave her a more pleading expression, “can you please just say goodnight to your boyfriend and stay with me? I need to talk to you.”

“Can't it wait until the morning?”

“If it could, I wouldn't be up at four in the morning. Please...”

“It's okay darling, I'll see you tomorrow,” Damien kissed Ali on the lips and picked up his coat. “I hope we can discuss whatever problem you obviously have with me tomorrow, Ashlyn.” He added. Ashlyn smiled dryly.

“You know what? Okay, let's fucking do this,” Ashlyn moved to close her room and went into Ali's room, closing the door too to try and keep Finlay from being waken up. “You two can stand here all you want and pretend nothing was happening, but truth is, I've seen your bruises,” she pointed at Ali, “and I was hearing your shouting, which is why I'm awake, and it's a miracle my seven-months baby isn't awake too. Now, she told you to stop it, told you to get off her, and told you she said no,” Ashlyn directed an accusatory finger at Damien, “so you're going to leave now, because if you ever touch her again after she said no, I'm going to have you prosecuted for assault.” He snorted.

“Oh, come on, we were just role-playing...”

“And you,” Ashlyn turned to look at Ali, “I am your friend, I care the world about you, and I hate that you keep lying to me and trying to pretend that everything is okay. I asked around the hospital, I asked Abby to bloody show me the camera footage for God's sakes, there was no rough patient, you lied to me. And from what I've heard, and looking at how dishevelled you look, I'm more than sure enough that he's the one who's hurting you and I will not allow it.”

“Ashlyn, I can take care of myself, I appreciate this but—,”

“But nothing. You came here, asked me for help, I helped you, and I'm going to keep doing it you like it or not. But I beg you Ali, don't bring dangerous people anywhere near my son, okay? At least for him, if not for me. You are the soldier, you kick this guy out, I've had enough fighting for a lifetime this year. And you stay, because if you don't, I'll call the police and report him.”

She turned around and left, closing her door as hard as she could without waking Finlay up. Ashlyn checked Finlay was peacefully asleep stretched in his crib and then went back to her bed, already feeling an incoming headache. Those had been coming and going since the brain surgery. She kept an ear out for Ali, and after a while heard the main door open and close, heard the door be locked, and, moments later, heard a soft knock on her door. Ali opened Ashlyn's bedroom door and peeked inside in the darkness.

“Ash? Can I sleep with you tonight?” she asked softly, trying not to wake up the baby. Ashlyn answered by opening the other side of the bed, and Ali took the hint, coming inside. Ashlyn heard her strip off her clothes and a moment later she was sliding under the covers next to her, and cuddling near her, putting a hand on her sternum. “Thank you. I was afraid if I confronted him, he'd kill us all. I'm going to stop seeing him, okay?”

“What's he done?”

“He uh... he gets aggressive, sometimes. When he drinks, he gets super touchy and sexual and if he doesn't get what he wants, he gets aggressive and shouts. That's what was happening. But he's never physically hurt me, aside from the bruise you saw, because he grabbed me hard, once. I'm sorry I lied to you and I let him inside...”

“You're safe now,” Ashlyn put her left arm around her and hugged her close. She had gotten used to sleeping on her back by now, because it was the most comfortable position with her surgical wounds. “That's all that matters. And are you going to tell the Chief or the police? You still see him at work, he could hurt you...”

“What do I tell them, Ash? I have no proof. Nothing. I'll have to go to another hospital.”

“You talk to Abby. She'll figure something out.”

Just then, Finlay started crying and they puffed in unison.

“I'll take him, it's my fault anyway,” Ali kissed her temple and moved out of the bed, throwing Ashlyn's housecoat on. By now she could find everything in the dark, she knew where things were. “You sleep, okay?”

“M... okay.”


	19. Damage control

**Chapter 19: Damage control.**

The next day, Ashlyn sat on the sofa with an exercise ball in her left hand that she was using to try and rehabilitate her hand. Tonight they had a big dinner home, with their friends and Kyle, after they had had to suspend the one they were going to do on the weekend after Ashlyn got hurt. But first, there was a difficult day ahead. Ali was out in the hospital, and had promised she'd talk to Abby and see what they could do about the Damien situation. She was going to break-up with him too, and she was returning home with Nick, who would make sure Damien couldn't get to her because Ashlyn so had requested.

On the other hand, Ashlyn was taking care of Finlay for a couple hours, and then she'll leave him with Whitney, who had to come at the end of her shift, as she had done a night shift and was ready to slump on Ashlyn's bed and sleep with Finlay for a while. That way Ashlyn would use the time to go to rehab for her left arm and leg, that were still not responding too well, particularly her hand, and then after lunch she had to squeeze in a meeting with her lawyer, because apparently, because Pugh hadn't merely assaulted her but also almost killed her, they could go to the Crown Court and demand a more serious sentence than the initial fine they had thought of. Now, her lawyer had studied things accompanied with Ali's medical review of the case, and had determined they could ask for Grievous Bodily Harm or GBH sentences, that could go up to sixteen years in prison. But she wanted to meet with Ashlyn and really talk about things, and once that was done, Ashlyn still had a therapy appointment before dinner. So now, she was enjoying her son as much as she could, reading him a story while he sat against her belly.

At last she saw how uninterested Finlay was, as he was just trying to eat her shirt, and put the book down, smiling down at him and caressing his face.

“You just want Mama time, uh? Can you say Mama?”

“Mmm!”

“Mama, you almost got it!”

“Mu...!” he giggled with enthusiasm and reached his little fat hands up to grab Ashlyn's face. Ashlyn let him, looking down at him with a smile.

“I'm so glad you're a happy kid, Finn. Your Momma would be so glad too... but she's looking after you from Heaven, you see? She's making sure you have everything to be happy, and being your guardian angel. Yeah...” she pressed her lips against the top of his head and sighed, feeling her eyes dampen just from thinking of Meredith. She gulped the lump in her throat down and cleared her throat, tickling Finlay. “All right, let's get you ready for Auntie Whit.”

The day was about as eternal as Ashlyn imagined it would be. She wasn't cleared to drive, so she spent money on Cabify and public transport instead, which only exhausted her further. By the time she finally opened the door to her building, it was late, cold, rainy, and she was tired, hungry, and moody. She knew her emotions were all over the place because of neurological damage aside from the emotional trauma, so she tried to convince herself to be cheerful and happy because at least she was going to be with her favourite people. And Ali, who was single once more.

And truth be told, she was already smiling as she approached her flat door and heard hard laughter inside. It was as if that alone was enough to take away the cramping in her belly, the headache, and the stiffness in her left hand. And when she opened the door, her already tipsy friends were silly enough to cheer for her. All her favourites had come. Ali, holding a glass of wine in one hand and Finlay in the other, stood by the kitchen door with a big smile. Kyle, perfectly sober, stood near her with a glass of children's champagne sans alcohol. Abby and her beautiful wife Glennon sat at the big dinning table and also looked to be in a good mood. Pinoe and Sue sat across them, Christen and Tobin were cuddling on the sofa near the dinning table, with Nick and his wife Molly sitting near them, and Heather was chatting with Kelley, Sydney and Crystal at the table.

“Well hello,” Ashlyn smiled at them as the cheering quieted down. “I see you're having fun!”

“Ali distributed alcohol and laughter!” Tobin pointed out.

“Mama!” Ashlyn turned surprised at Finlay and grinned big. “Mama!” he repeated, stretching towards her.

“Oh look at that! He hadn't said that before!” Ali chuckled at him. Ashlyn was dead. She grinned big and walked to him, speechless, getting Ali's help to get him in her best arm, even though her wrist was still healing, and she covered him with kisses.

“Hi Finlay,” she said softly. “I love you.”

“Mama,” he yawned and stretched his little arms around her neck, melting his mother.

“The cutest,” Ali said.

“He just made my day,” Ashlyn beamed, finding a seat at the table and leaving her briefcase on top of a chest of drawers aside along with her tie.

“Poor thing must be tired, it got a little late,” Heather reached to caress his hair and kiss her friend's cheek.

“Yeah, it's fine, he'll sleep on me,” Ashlyn shrugged it off, letting the baby get comfortable on her lap.

“I'll bring his blanket,” Ali said going for the master bedroom. The gals from the sofa got up to join them at the table.

“Speaking of kids, we put Isabella to sleep on your bed, I hope you don't mind,” Molly told Ashlyn, who smiled and shook her head. It was fine. Molly was one of the very few blondes in the group that night, and it was lovely to see how, as Nick offered her a seat, they looked at each other as if falling in love all over again.

“I'll bring the food,” Kyle said going to the kitchen. Ashlyn could smell chicken and mac and cheese, and wished more than anything that her intestines were ready for her to eat like a pig.

“So I'm single,” Ali commented as she tucked Finlay with his favourite plaid blue and white blanket and sat next to them, while her brother served plates with Kelley's help, “and Abby and I found a solution for the Damien problem, although he hasn't even looked at me all day.”

“He better not,” Ashlyn murmured.

“I can't really fire him, but I'll make sure their shifts never coincide, unless they're called out of shifts for a big emergency,” Abby explained, nursing a beer. Ashlyn hummed with a satisfied nod. “So how was the meeting with your lawyer? Ali mentioned Pugh may actually get plenty of prison time?”

“Between nine and sixteen years,” Ashlyn confirmed, and Christen whistled in admiration.

“That's a lot,” Glennon commented, directing her light, kind eyes to Ashlyn. “So deserved.” Glennon was a lovely person. As a writer, she particularly fancied self-help and encouraging female power books, which Ashlyn was always happy to read. She was older than all of them, but was a young soul inside full of age wisdom, so it was always a perfect combo.

“But he'll get it for sure, right?” Kyle intervened into the conversation. “It's not going to be one of those times that in the end, he gets out with it.”

“I think he really will be gone for a very long time, but it's going to take a draining judicial process with trials and all,” Ashlyn explained. “Apparently the offence falls in Section 18, which basically means it's really, really, really bad assault.”

“Oh, yeah, I was hoping they'd go there,” Whitney, the hospital's head lawyer and Ashlyn's oldest friend, sat on her other side, filling Ashlyn's glass with champagne sans alcohol.

“What does it mean?” Sydney asked her then.

“Well Section 18 basically says that it's almost attempted murder, grievous bodily harm, with full intent, which constitutes a felony. Pugh's lawyer was trying to slip it under Section 20, which differs in the fact that there isn't intent so it's not a felony, it's less bad,” Whitney explained knowing to talk in normal English, as her friends called it, and not lawyer talk. “So I told Ali and Dr Sauerbrunn to make a good paper explaining Ashlyn's injuries and why it was clear there was full intent to cause serious harm, in a language that non-doctors could understand, and they did a fantastic job.”

“They did indeed,” Ashlyn smiled warmly at Ali at that. “My lawyer was saying how we can't prove he pushed me down the stairs, but we can prove that he saw I had fallen and was bruised-up and instead of helping me, he kicked me. And kicking is considered using a weapon.”

“Ah, fuck him,” Nick grinned, satisfied with the news so much that he almost forgot to eat, while the others ate as they listened.

“Damn right,” Ashlyn nodded. “And because he used a weapon, then it makes the offence even a bigger deal. And it gets worse for him. Because he's a nurse and he created more harm instead of helping, it's aggravating. He'll plead that he went to seek help, but that's clearly a cover-up. He lied to the police too, which won't look good at all, and my memories and less foggy now than they were, so I'm going to sink him with everything I've got for sure.”

“That's how it's done,” Ali looked proudly at her and shamelessly kissed her cheek. “The rest of the day good? You good?”

“I'll be just fine,” Ashlyn smiled back at her, “thanks to you, right?” Ali blushed, shaking her head.

“Shush you, and eat!”

Ashlyn chuckled amused, and obeyed, trying her best to hold her fork with her left hand so she could rest her injured wrist on Finlay's lap as he slept sideways against her chest. She made a conscious effort to open and close her hand properly around the fork, but when she made pressure around the fork so it wouldn't fall off, her hand started shaking with tremors and the fork drummed on the plate, drawing attention and forcing her to let it go.

“Your hand's still not working?” Tobin, the neurosurgeon, asked, filled with concern.

“No,” Ashlyn puffed. “I'm never going to be a surgeon again. Physical therapy and rehabilitation are doing absolutely nothing.” Frustrated, she carefully moved Finlay so he rested against her left arm. She had tried to avoid it because it was a weak arm and it had lost strength, but she didn't want to put her baby away, so it was the only choice. She'd have to use her injured hand to eat, which wasn't convenient, but it had been her only resource for weeks.

“Hey, don't get negative. You heard Dr Sauerbrunn, it takes time,” Ali tried to comfort her, putting a hand on her knee.

“I don't have time, Ali. I have to support Finlay, if I can't use a whole arm again, not only it impairs me at home with him, even more until my right wrist is fully back in the game if physical therapy can do anything for it, but I'll be unable to work. And if I can't work, how am I supposed to earn a living? It's not like my wife made me rich in her will.”

“You'll take the time your body needs, I'll make sure you get your paid sick leave properly for as long as it's necessary,” Abby said calmly, knowing it couldn't be easy on her. “And hey, if it drags for a long time, you can always return to work in research, with the assistance of a Registrar or a Junior if necessary. Teach your Registrars, have them be your hands if needed. We will find options, okay? You're not going to stop being able to make a living.”

“Thanks, Abby,” Ashlyn smiled small at her, appreciative of her efforts. “I was trying to at least follow-up on patients from here, but my brain is so screwed-up that I can't maintain concentration, and I get dizzy after ten medical terms. Hopefully that'll recover soon enough so I can at least do as you say and work without my hands.”

“And we'll figure something out so you can manage better at home,” Ali proposed. “Besides, Finlay will be dragging himself around in no time, so you can just be on the floor with him playing around.”

“First word and now he's going to be on the move?” Ashlyn pouted. “Why do they have to ever grow? I'm going to get a heart attack!” she made her friends laugh and smiled silly, looking down at Finlay. At least she would enjoy pushing him in the swings soon.


	20. We owe it to her

**Chapter 20: We owe it to her.**

_The Script_ was playing low in the background, Finlay was on the rug having some tummy time with his toys, Ali was on her way home from work, and Ashlyn was doing hand rehabilitation exercises, while February was making snow caress the windows on its way to the ground. They kept the flat warm all day long with heating, so at least there it was comfortable. She had just had the wrist cast removed, but it still bothered her a little, so the exercises were supposed to help with both hands.

As she was doing her exercises, Ashlyn's eyes drifted from her hands to Finlay, who was practising his head lifting skills, and then ended on the bookshelf near the sofa, and more specifically, on the only photograph she had of the family complete. It showed Meredith in the middle, pale and so ill she would only live a week more, but grinning regardless while she held their brand new baby, still all red and swollen from birth. Ashlyn sat next to them with her arms around her family and her lips lovingly on her wife's cheek. Just looking at it made a lump grow in Ashlyn's throat.

She remembered that day as if it was yesterday. Finlay had been born at eight months, via induced labour, because Meredith's health was just getting worse at giant steps and was threatening his life too. She had been feeling so ill, and Ashlyn had been with her feeling all kinds of stressed, anxious and anguished, but then she had picked Finlay up in her arms for the first time and it was like everything vanished. He was okay, fat for a preemie, and was handsome as hell. Then to Meredith, the same happened. Ashlyn had placed him on her to breastfeed for the first and last time, as she quickly got too sick to do it, and Meredith had grinned so big, as if all the pain and suffering was gone. They had both cried and when they had managed to compose themselves, the nurse had offered to take a picture.

Ashlyn would spend the next week between the NICU, where Finlay was getting stronger, and the ICU, where Meredith kept getting worse and worse, as if she was sending all her energy to their son. And finally, Finlay had been discharged on the same day Meredith had died.

She missed her. Meredith, like most human beings, could be a saint or a bitch, depending on how she felt, but she wasn't a bad person. She had been her worst when she was the sickest, but the best person Ashlyn had ever known for the close to a decade they had had together.

The door opened without her realizing, not until Ali's voice came up.

“Good afternoon!” she said cheerfully as she locked the door before walking inside. “How are my favourite blondes?” Ali's eyes had focused on Finlay with a big smile, but then moved to Ashlyn and her smile vanished, seeing how broken she looked, even when she wasn't crying big. Ashlyn often had that ability of looking more devastated in her silences than in her loudness. “Hey, what's wrong?” she left her snowed coat on the rack and rushed to sit by Ashlyn, who merely shrugged.

“I was just thinking of the week this one was born and Meredith died,” Ashlyn murmured. “And of how much I miss her.”

Ali's brow furrowed in sadness and she put an arm around her friend and her cheek against the blonde's shoulder, reaching out to hold her hand.

“Want to talk about her?”

“That wouldn't be fair to you, would it?” Ashlyn said. “I mean, you're the woman I have a crush on, and she's my late wife. And I think I'm the woman you like so, how fair would it be to make you listen to me talking about someone else instead of you?”

“I'll admit I don't understand an inch of that reasoning,” Ali smiled small, rubbing circles on her back soothingly. “But in any case, I don't think it's unfair or anything. I asked, you're not making me do anything.”

Ashlyn nodded, leaning against her head, feeling the soft dark hair tickle her cheek and the smell of coconut from her shampoo invade her nostrils.

“I know I don't always say the nicest things about her, but I did love her. I probably still do, because otherwise it wouldn't hurt so bad. Maybe in some way I will always do, I don't know...” Ali listened quietly, knowing if she interrupted, it was likely Ashlyn got discouraged or lost train of thought. “When we met, she was twenty-two and a second year Junior Doctor, and I was twenty-two but in my first year, because of that silly thing of making kids that are born after September go to the next school year. Anyway, she was...” Ashlyn released a deep breath to calm herself. “Fucking gorgeous. Everyone was after her, absolutely everyone. And she was so wickedly smart, and funny, and when she laughed, it made you feel like laughing too. And for some reason, she picked me. She started giving me tips, helping out when I got lost in the hospital, giving advice, encouraging. Then one day, out of the blue, she kissed me. We had come out of this surgery on a toddler, and the toddler died, so we were all in a shitty mood. And she grabbed me as we exited the theatre, shoved me into an on-call room and kissed me right then.”

“Hollywood like.”

“Right? I even though that it was just because she was sad,” Ashlyn admitted. “But then she asked me to go on a date. And she said that she had never dated a woman, but that she was crazy about me and if life's short, then she wanted to spend her time with me.”

“What a beautiful thing to say,” Ali whispered softly. Ashlyn sniffled and nodded, stopping for a second as the emotions got the best of her.

“After that, we dated for months, then the next year funnily enough I became one of the Juniors assigned to her when she became a Registrar. She started specializing in Neuro, and was so fascinated with brains that she almost rubbed it on me. But she kept saying I had a knack for Paeds, that I should try that out. I just liked everything, she was way more determined than me. And we were doing so well. She was just... so nice to date. She didn't get too jealous, she was encouraging and supportive, she didn't create absurd drama, and she didn't make a big deal out of silly things. And I think I wasn't too bad either.”

“I bet you weren't,” Ali encouraged her, squeezing her hand gently.

“Yeah...” Ashlyn smiled small. “We were such a dream team. Everyone came to us for relationship advice, everyone thought we were endgame. And then I introduced her to my family, on our second Christmas together. She was staying in England because she had Christmas shifts at work, so I picked her up after work and drove her to Brighton to meet everyone, and they just loved her, which is weird, my family gets picky when it comes to me. And she loved them too. She joined in our traditions, made me laugh to tears... it was the best Christmas. So on my third year as a Registrar, happily settled in Paeds by then and sharing a tiny box size flat with her in Greenwich, I had to perform this incredible solo surgery because the hospital was trying out a new security system that locked the doors in case of a violent attack so an attacker couldn't go roaming around killing people. It had its faults and they took it down. So what happened was that I was locked with a patient who urgently needed a surgery. I was supposed to wheel the kid to surgery, but the doors wouldn't open, so stuck in a corridor.”

“Shit...”

“That's what I said. The kid started coding, and Meredith saw through the door window and got the consultant I was assigned to, who luckily was in the same room. And they stood on the other side of the door window, and my consultant instructed me how to perform the surgery. The door was locked for a full hour, but we made it. I had to improvise with my shoe ties, my scrubs t-shirt, and used a pocketknife as a scalpel, sterilizing it with a bottle of alcohol that luckily, I could get in the corridor.”

“Why did you have a pocketknife in a hospital?”

“Because I grew up in Brighton, with a family of sea people, and my Dad always carried one to cut ropes, fishing nets, do manual tasks... so I sort of... I don't know,” she snorted a laugh. “I don't do it anymore, but back then it was like a reminder from home or something. It even had a fork in it, so I used it a lot for camping and stuff.”

“I can just see you opening a kid with a fork and knife,” Ali joked, making her snigger. “I'm sure you dropped a few jaws.”

“I did. God, I dropped my own once it finished, the adrenaline went down, and the kid was alive. I couldn't believe what I had just down. An appendectomy, improvised, in a corridor. The kid's now a grown-up teenager, his Mum sent me a picture on his graduation,” Ali smiled at her. “So afterwards I had to wait for them to unlock the door, and of course I was very anxious and growing claustrophobic, fearing the kid would code again or something. And Meredith put her forehead against mine with the door window in the middle, and comforted me for more than twenty minutes. We just stood there, and she said all the right things to keep me calm. And then she was saying how one day she was going to ask me to marry her, and I was going to say yes, and then we'd have ten kids who would all be famous doctors, and we'd rock surgery after surgery together, and she'd be a renowned neurosurgeon, and I'd be a renowned paediatric surgeon, and we've be happily ever after. She said how we'd grow old together, and I'd still be the prettiest girl in the world, and we'd move to Brighton and get a big house by the beach so our kids could play there.” Her voice had gotten hoarse with emotion and Ali saw her lip tremble and a silent tear cross her cheek to her chin. “And I told her how much I would love all of that. So once the door unlocked, my consultant congratulated me and told me she'd handle the kid in the theatre now, and told Meredith to treat me to something in the cafeteria for my good job, that I deserved a break. So she did, and as I was eating the world's biggest hamburgers, she dropped down on one knee, pulled this gorgeous ring, and asked me to marry her. There, in the middle of the hospital cafeteria.”

“Oh God,” Ali chuckled. “That's the surgeon version of beach proposal in Bora Bora, pretty much,” she joked teasingly, and Ashlyn snorted a laugh, checking for a moment on Finlay with her eyes, seeing he had given up on exercise and was simply playing.

“We married six months later in a ship my uncle used to have, and he married us. It wasn't legal, because he had no authority, but we had already done the paperwork in the council hall so in theory we were already married. It was when LGBT weddings had just become legal. Anyway,” Ashlyn cleared her voice, “we had this beautiful honeymoon in Thailand, and then returned to work like two lovesick birds. She was a brilliant surgeon, she really was. Her family was homophobic as hell, they were always opposing her dating me and then thought we had lost our minds getting married... so I actually didn't meet them, for years. They refused and Mer thought it was better for me to not have to deal with them. We'd stay in the UK. She didn't care about coming back to New York anymore. She always told me she had everything she could ever want, doing surgeries with me, teaching me all she could and learning from me, and having our little flat and our Friday pizzas. I was always worried she'd miss the luxury from her family, but she never did. She would happily even help carry furniture for my grandparents when they moved to a new house, enjoy getting her hands dirty, and always said she'd much rather be with me eating pizza on the bed with our hands, than me spending the money I didn't have on taking her somewhere fancy.”

“She sounds like a really wonderful person.”

“Yeah... and she picked Finlay's name, because the first time we confessed to love each other, we were on a boat in Brighton doing a tourist trip, and the boat was called _The Finlay_. She was...” Ashlyn sighed, and Ali squeezer her hand further. “She was kind and giving and not at all snobbish. She gave away everything she didn't absolutely need, donated blood every day, even was an organ donor. She would always put everyone first. She certainly didn't deserve what she got.”

“How did you find out she was ill?” Ali asked softly, figuring Ashlyn needed to talk about it.

“Well, one day she woke up with a headache, said she was feeling a little under the weather, but she had a big case with a once in a lifetime surgery or something. So she insisted on going to work,” Ashlyn explained. “I was updating charts during her surgery when a Junior came running and said my wife was throwing up blood. Obviously I ran too, and apparently she had abruptly stopped operating and turned around just in time to not vomit blood on her patient, so I took care of her with another surgeon, and we noticed she had ulcers in her stomach. She was just then complaining of stomach pain, and it hadn't happened earlier in the day. And after she healed from that, she suddenly lost all appetite, and started throwing up everything she ate. Her weight dropped, the headaches intensified... then benign tumours started appearing, along with internal abscesses, as if she had an infection. Every time we thought we knew what she had and came up with a treatment, her body came up with something entirely different. So in a matter of two months, she was... absolutely ruined. And she was the kind of person whose health really influences her emotions, as it's normal, so she became grumpier, harder to live with, melodramatic... she was just in so much pain all the time, and I was doing my best not to fall into drugs again out of desperation. It's just so infuriating when you're a doctor, a scientist, and you can't save yourself or the person you love. When the one thing you're passionate about and rely on, completely fails you.”

“Was that when you went to New York?”

“Yes. I had started a medical trial with Meredith that would find an innovative, less invasive way to deal with brain issues in babies and would make their recovery faster and better. I had come up with the idea, done all the research, then requested her help, so it was our baby, we were going to change the world. That's when she got so sick, so I stopped it, and then I got this call from New York to pick it up, go there and get a full lab and a bunch of resources to make it a reality. I told them how I couldn't go because my wife was so sick and we had no idea what was happening and were so afraid she might just not wake up any morning, and they answered me back telling me to bring her ASAP because they had a medical trial for unknown illnesses that they thought could help her. And when Meredith heard and knew if we went, I'd also be able to continue my trial as they took care of her, she insisted we went. That, of course, meant I got to meet her family, her nightmarish parents to be exact. I had met her sister years before though, the only one I met, because she was the only non-homophobic one and simply loved Mer, who was her baby sister.”

“So if Meredith was on a trial, how come it didn't help?”

“At first, it did. So we stayed six months, and it looked like she was getting better and better. And seeing she was improving so much and I was doing significant advances in my clinical trial, Meredith convinced me it was time to try for babies. She said we should stay in NYC until I finished my trial, because there they would finance my entire thing, in London I wouldn't have enough resources, not even with her money. Also, she'd get to have her doctors close. And her parents were eating her brains out while I was at work, making her forgive them and... well, she was in a weird place mentally, with the illness and treatments having been incredibly aggressive and weakened her a lot, so she was easy to convince to do whatever, and her parents took full advantage. Somehow I still agreed to have a baby, and we found a donor, and then we found out about my infertility, but by then she was so excited there was no way of backing off. She wanted to get pregnant so badly. She was in love with the idea of having a dimpled child that was a mini me. Obsessed. So we started as soon as she was a bit stronger, thinking she had healed completely. But when she got to the fifth month,” Ashlyn went on, her voice drained with emotion. “Suddenly she was super sick again. It was like... overnight. I have never seen something like that. So they took her back to the trial, trying to do the same they had done before so she'd heal again. But it was like her illness had learned and become smarter, you know?”

“That's very, very freaky.”

“It is. It was... the scariest times of our lives. I stopped the trial. I had the worst feeling that she was going to die on me, with our son inside, I didn't even care about saving another life anymore. That's when she started making me do hard promises, like staying, remaining single, even going back to surgery was promised. She made her will. I think you just... smell death when it's coming, you know? I had seen my maternal grandparents die two years before. I had seen enough dying patients. I knew how they start losing their minds a little... and when she started to have such amnesia and such worsening of illness that she'd forget she was pregnant, or married, or who I was, who she was... I knew what was coming,” she released a shaky breath and Ali sat up, seeing her eyes glassy again, but kept her hold of her. “They said she'd have to abort or induce the birth if she wanted to have the slightest chance, because she needed a more aggressive treatment and it would be too risky for the baby. But she was stubborn and only cared about Finlay being born. Whenever I'd get so frustrated and anguished I'd yell at her to save herself and forget the baby, she'd cry and beg me to understand, say she needed for me to have that baby when she wasn't here anymore. She said it was our baby, the best of us, and she couldn't just... lose him. I know it's horrible to beg someone to abort your six-months unborn child, but...”

“It's not. You were desperate. The love of your life was about to die,” Ali said understandingly. “I get it. It couldn't have been easy for you.”

Ashlyn nodded slowly, and rubbed her eyes.

“It was the hardest year and a half of my life. It was a nightmare, Ali. Some days it felt like I was just going to get Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy and die. To this day, I have no idea how I held on. I guess first it was for Meredith, and I knew I had to be her rock and help her get prepare not for us to grow old together and get ten children and a beach house, but to die. I knew it'd be easier for her if she didn't see me crumble. And then Finlay was born and she made me swear I'd do anything to have a happy life with him, to keep going. That was her last week, last July, when she got so bad it got dangerous for Finlay and she had an induced labour at eight months. She died on the day Finlay was discharged from the NICU, isn't it ironic?”

“It's... curious. Hold on a minute, Finlay's American!” Ali came to the sudden realization, and Ashlyn laughed.

“He got the British citizenship through me,” Ashlyn clarified. “You know, I was hoping the autopsy would reveal something, throw in some light... but it was inconclusive. I studied it for months still, until I lost my trial because it failed miserably and I had Finlay, hated Meredith's parents with my whole heart, and missed home. That's when I returned.”

Ali stayed silent for a long moment, rubbing circles on Ashlyn's back and staring absent-mindedly at Finlay, and then came up with something.

“So you still have the autopsy.”

“Yes.”

“Do you still keep her medical records too? Her scans, everything?” Ashlyn looked at her with a light frown and nodded.

“Yes, it's all in a box in the attic.” The flat came with a small attic through a trap door on the ceiling.

“Oh my God Ashlyn...” Ali was giving her an indecipherable expression with bright eyes and something like excitement.

“What?”

“I can find out what happened to her. We can have our own research, find out what happened together... and maybe, just maybe, do a clinical trial to come up with a cure. It won't bring her back, but you'll make sure no other child has to lose their mother suddenly due to some bitch freaky illness. It would no longer be unknown. It would be...” Ali shrugged. “What was Meredith's surname?”

“Harris, she took mine.”

“The Harris Disease,” Ali proposed. “Or... I don't know, whatever. But it'll bring you some peace to understand why she died, right?”

“But Ali... then I'd have to live with knowing I could've saved her, but I wasn't fast enough.”

“You couldn't have saved her, because you were the wife, the Paediatrician, had too much going on and not enough resources and knowledge. But I am a Trauma surgeon, and I know all sorts of freaky illnesses from Asia and Africa from my Medical Corps years. And I believe that together, with modern technology and medical advances happening every day, we could get somewhere. Or at least try, she deserves an attempt, right? You said she was a good one, that she was always putting everyone first, trying to save others. Even when she was dying, she put Finlay's life first. So let's do this and save others in her name. We have enough unknown diseases, we can make this one known.”

Ashlyn straightened up staring at her as if she had just suggested something incredibly obvious, but that she hadn't seen before.

“What about my brain? I can't help much.” Ali grinned.

“I'll be your hands until you get them back, and help you get your brain back through this. Besides, I'm sure it'll be easier to focus when it's something you care so much about. You don't have to answer now,” she added. “I'm just thinking... you deserve some peace. Find out why you and your family had to go through such hell, why she had to die. Get some peace.”

Ashlyn fixed her eyes on her and after a moment, grinned, her eyes filling with tears.

“You'd do that with me?”

“What wouldn't I do?” Ali replied with a similar grin.

“Let's fucking do this,” Ashlyn nodded. “For Meredith.”

“For Meredith.”

This time, Ashlyn did cry properly. But all the while was held in Ali's strong embrace.


	21. Two hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas!

**Chapter 21: Two hearts.**

Ali ran her fingers through Ashlyn's short hair while holding a scan with her other hand up in the air to see. The wound in Ashlyn's head had closed, but it had left a small hairless patch that would be covered once her hair kept growing. Ashlyn was just watching her, mesmerized, with Finlay sleeping next to her and her head on Ali's lap while the brunette sat against the head of the master bed.

“This thing is a monster,” Ali commented in awe. “One day everything is fine, the next an organ is collapsing, the next is fine and another isn't... it's like it has a brain of its own and predicts what the next treatment step is going to be.”

“I don't even know how you can look at it for so long. I can, makes me feel like gagging,” Ashlyn said counting the freckles on Ali's nose. Meredith's box of medical records and stuff sat opened on a side of the bed for Ali to dig in it as if it was Christmas.

“Of course it makes you sick, you're the widow,” Ali's fingers trailed to her cheek, stroking affectionately. “My doctor eyes unattached to the patient zero, on the other hand, see a fascinating beast I'm dying to bite.”

Ashlyn snorted a laugh at her expression, and Ali smiled down at her.

“You're incredible, you know?”

“I try,” Ali chuckled. “You know... Finlay was calling you this morning.”

“This morning?”

“When you went to the pharmacy and I was getting ready for work. He was sitting on my lap while I was doing my make-up, and he said, Mama.”

“He was calling you Mama?”

“No, he wasn't looking at me, it wasn't a case of confusion,” Ali explained. “He just whispered it and when I asked if he wanted Mama, he smiled at me and said it louder. And then I put him on the floor while I put my make-up away, and he took your shoes and started 'Mama, Mama' all excited. I think he knows he learned a really good word and he's happy to say it time after time because it knows it means something good.”

“Aw, that my boy,” Ashlyn made a silly voice, looking at the baby that currently slept with his fist around her finger. “Fun fact, when he was a newborn, on a couple occasions when I was holding him shirtless, because skin to skin is good for babies, he tried breastfeeding off me.”

“For real?” Ali chortled, amused.

“For real.”

“What did you do?”

“Well I let him until he found out nothing was coming, got upset and learned I wasn't a source of food like that.”

“Aw, so cute,” Ali commented. “I can't blame him though, you have really suckable nipples.” Ashlyn's jaw dropped as she blushed and Ali shrugged. “What? I can't lie, and I still remember them.”

“That was so straightforward,” Ashlyn laughed.

“Come on, now you can say something weird about my nipples,” Ali joked, putting the scans back in its box.

“Uhm...” Ashlyn blushed harder, giving it a thought just for fun. “They're perky.”

Ali reacted with a snigger.

“You mean cheerful?” Ashlyn laughed hard.

“Yes of course Ali, your nipples are bloody cheerful! Oh my God,” Ashlyn continued to laugh and it rubbed on Ali, who laughed along. “I'll show you.” Ashlyn said once the laughter died.

“What?”

“One moment,” Ashlyn carefully picked Finlay up and put him into his crib, then moved the box to the floor, and knelt on the bed in front of Ali. She locked eyes with her and saw Ali was just intrigued, expectant, so she confidently started to undo the buttons of the blouse Ali had chosen for work that day.

“Ashlyn...” but the words died in her throat as she saw the way Ashlyn looked at her, with a small smile and so much desire. And she knew she shouldn't let her, but she still did nothing to stop Ashlyn from removing her blouse and reach out behind her back to single-handedly undo her bra and take it of.

Then Ashlyn stopped and stared at her in the eye, giving her another chance to say no. But Ali observed in suspense, even as Ashlyn slowly leaned towards her breasts, without stopping eye contact, and still did nothing when Ashlyn's lips opened and she took one of her nipples into her mouth to suck it tenderly.

A throaty moan escaped Ali's lips and she threw her head back, closing her eyes and putting a hand on the back of Ashlyn's head, not to stop her, but to encourage her. Ashlyn caught the idea and continued to suck it for a few moments before switching to the other one. Then she separated and as the saliva made Ali's nipples feel chilly, Ashlyn's lips landed on hers and she kisses her hard while she rubbed her nipples with her palms. Then, once they were standing hard, Ashlyn separated and gave her a mischievous smile as Ali returned to reality and opened her eyes to see her.

“See? Cheerful.”

Ali heard her and slowly looked down. She couldn't help but laugh, and Ashlyn chuckled at her.

“You just made me very horny just to be funny?”

Ashlyn shrugged, biting her lip in deep thought.

“That and... because you're beautiful, which is weird, because brunettes were never my type, but... when I look at you,” she nodded for herself, and Ali observed, mesmerized, “I know I couldn't possibly stare at a more beautiful woman. And you're good to Finlay, and good to me, and I don't want to lose another year of my life being sad and a shell of myself. I want to be happy. And when I'm with you, I'm happy. And I'll always love Meredith in some way but... she's my past. She wanted me to move on and be happy, and I want to, too, and I feel like you could be my today and my tomorrow. And like if I had to learn to love again... I'd want it to be for you.”

Ali smiled timidly and nodded, cupping Ashlyn's face in her hands. She didn't rush it, giving her time to pull away, but when they were both staring at each other's lips and getting closer like being pulled by a magnet, she knew there was no stopping them now. And so they kissed.

It was nothing like their first kiss. This one was shy, timid, sweet, and filled with care. It wasn't rushed, but a slow exploration of what kissing each other felt like, testing the waters, seeing what felt better, kissing more, more and more as Ashlyn leaned onto her and gently lowered her onto the bed. Her lips descended through Ali's neck and found her breasts again, and there was no going back.

A hard kick woke Ashlyn up what seemed like a very short time later, and in reality must've been hours.

“Al, chill out,” she murmured half asleep. But then she noticed the sound of Ali breathing hard, in her sleep, and she woke up completely, turning over to check on her. “Alex. Hey...” Ashlyn turned the bedside lamp on and looked at Ali. They were both naked and had fallen asleep happily entangled in each other's arms, but now Ali was sprawled on the bed, sweaty and with a pained expression, tossing in her sleep. Ashlyn knew you weren't supposed to wake up anyone who had a nightmare, and knew it was likely it was an army nightmare, so she lied on her side next to Ali and caressed her face, peppering kisses and whispering sweet nothings, until eventually Ali calmed down and stilled. A moment later, she opened her eyes and blinked to get used to the light, looking confused.

“Ash?”

“You had a bad nightmare, I think,” Ashlyn said caressing her face affectionately. “Are you okay now?”

“I uh...” Ali took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling. “My whole platoon died.” Ashlyn nodded, having heard it before. She turned the light off, cuddled closer, and put an arm around her hips.

“Want to talk about it?”

“Uh...” Ali's hands covered Ashlyn's arm on her, calming herself by drawing patterns on the arm. “We were working in a field hospital. There were sick people, injured people... all ages. Many were civilians. And then suddenly there were enemy soldiers everywhere, they came out of nowhere and there was no way of getting out... there was thick smoke, explosions going off everywhere... I lost consciousness and when I woke up I was in the ruins of the field hospital, the only survivor. A dead person had ended up on me along with some debris, so I guess they thought I was dead too. All around me, everyone was dead. Everyone. It was just... blood and human parts.”

“I'm sorry,” Ashlyn murmured. “You're safe now, okay? I won't let anything happen to you.”

Ali smiled sweetly at her, touched, and Ashlyn saw it as the moonlight reflected on her features. The brunette then lifted one hand and caressed Ashlyn's cheek with the back of it.

“You never do. Even when you're injured, you came ready to kick Damien out.” Ashlyn chuckled.

“In retrospect, that was probably a very dumb decision that could've had a terrible outcome,” Ashlyn rolled to be on top of Ali and kissed her lips softly. “Isn't therapy working anymore?”

“Yeah, but...” Ali's hands cupped her face. “Good days, bad days, you know?”

“Yeah...” Ashlyn nuzzled against her neck and Ali hugged her close. After a moment, Ali laughed. “What?”

“You're still dripping on my leg. We're changing the sheets tomorrow.”

Ashlyn smiled, pecking her neck.

“The things you do to me...”

When they next woke up, it was with the sun up in the sky and Ashlyn's phone ringing away. Ali awoke first, groaning at the sound, and tried to reach the offender with Ashlyn still on top. The movement awoke Ashlyn.

“Fuck your pager right off,” Ashlyn murmured still mostly asleep.

“It's your phone!”

“Fuck...” Ashlyn groaned and rolled off her, grabbing the device and clearing her voice. “Ashlyn Harris listening.” Ali rolled over and pulled the duvet to her neck, trying to go back to sleep. There was a moment of silence and then Ashlyn spoke into the phone again. “Sorry, what? What are you talking about? You're saying he's dead?” Ali's eyes flipped open and she sat up, looking at Ashlyn with a frown. Ashlyn herself was frowning. “Oh yeah and whose fault is it?! He was supposed to be safe with you! What the fuck do we pay you for?!” Ashlyn was sitting up now, throwing the covers away and getting up. “You bloody bastard, this is your fault! We trust you, we pay you, and you let him go and kill himself! He was on suicide watch! You were supposed to be preventing this!”

The shouting woke Finlay up and he started crying. Feeling her heart hammering with anxiety, Ali jumped off the bed, threw on a shirt from Ashlyn that was on the armchair, and went to get Finlay, hugging him against her chest as Ashlyn continued to shout into the phone, while she covered his ears. She didn't want to leave the room because she didn't want to leave Ashlyn.

At last, the younger doctor threw her phone angrily onto the bed and stood breathing heavily, hugging herself tight. Ali had calmed Finlay, so she put him back to sleep and grabbed a blanket, putting it around Ashlyn and wrapping her tight in her arms. Ashlyn hugged her back.

“Who?” Ali asked fearfully.

“Christopher.”

  
  



	22. Bloodlines

**Chapter 22: Bloodlines.**

The news of Christopher Harris' death extended through the hospital like dust. Because he had died under suspicious circumstances, supposedly throwing himself down the window of his room in the rehabilitation facility he was in for addiction and on suicide watch, the police had to investigate it, which meant his body wasn't given to the family just yet. Ashlyn just went one time to identify him, and returned home to go to bed for full 24h while Ali looked after Finlay.

Now, her friends were calculating how to find someone else to take care of their cases so they all could attend the incoming funeral in Brighton. Ali was going to drive Ashlyn and Finlay over and stay for a few days to help the family arrange everything. She knew Ashlyn's Mum had issues of alcoholism, and her grandmother had Senile Dementia and was in a house for the elderly, so this was a hard blow for a family that had enough. She also knew Ashlyn would've refused her help, if it wasn't because she wasn't okay to drive herself and the train was so expensive.

“I've got the suitcases ready in the car, and Finlay's trolley,” Ali informed Ashlyn, who had just been like a zombie since the news arrived. She hardly ate, and the most she did was to look after her baby boy.

“Thanks Alex,” Ashlyn murmured without expression, standing in the middle of the room with the baby bag on her shoulder. Kyle stood near her with Finlay in his arms, looking worriedly at Ashlyn.

“Kyle, can you put Finlay in his car seat, please? We'll be right after you,” Ali petitioned, and her brother nodded. “All right, the gas is turned off, the plugs are turned off, the windows are closed, the water is off, and everything is in the car. We're ready to go, Sweetheart.”

Ashlyn merely nodded and walked outside, so Ali shut the door close following her, and locked it, activating the security alarm. She put an arm around Ashlyn and rubbed her arm affectionately.

“I'm sorry for the long drive.”

“Don't be, I love driving,” Ali kissed her cheek. “Besides, I'd go anywhere for you.” Ashlyn managed a small smile for a few seconds, and sighed as it dropped.

“When we get to Brighton, my parents, they're divorced, like yours,” Ashlyn told her. Ali stood listening attentively to whatever she had to say. “My mother's an alcoholic, she's a sales negotiator, except that since she found out, she got so bad she had to ask for a leave and my family had to put her in a facility so she stops drinking. She lost her parents and now her son, it's a lot. And my Dad, his mother is dying of senile dementia and he lives in a tiny flat and works for the council hall hours, and hours, and hours a week. My family has a lot on their shoulders as it is, so... I need your help to get as much off their shoulders as possible. They're sinking,” her eyes got glassy and she took a deep breath, “my parents blame themselves. They've lost a child. And I give that news to parents on a daily basis at work, but my family... I shouldn't have had to do that. So I'm going to throw as much of this on me as I possibly can, and maybe I'll need you to parent Finlay for me a little bit so I can do that.”

Ali nodded. She knew how hard this was for Ashlyn, had seen how she was struggling ever since the news had come. But what Ashlyn didn't know, is that she had always counted herself in to do whatever Ashlyn needed of her.

“Whatever you need me to do, I will,” Ali said simply, and gave her hand an encouraging squeeze. “You're not alone.”

They bid farewell to Kyle and Ali started the drive south while Ashlyn sat in the back with Finlay, providing entertainment for him and soothing him when he got a little feisty. It felt like a really long drive, despite taking a couple stops to refresh, At last, after about two hours, they arrived to Ashlyn's father's flat. He welcomed them with hugs and a serious face, looking like he had been crying.

“I'm so sorry, Mike,” Ali said rubbing his back soothingly. “Did you get some time off work?”

“Yeah...” Mike nodded, reaching to hold his grandson. “It's just all at once. Nana's getting so much worse,” he added turning to his daughter, “we tried to tell her about him, Papa and I, and she cried for like an hour and then forgot who even was Chris.”

“I'll visit them,” Ashlyn reassured him, rubbing his strong arm.

“Uhm, I was thinking, you could take my room so Ali can take the guest room and I'll be fine on the sofa,” Mike offered shyly.

“Oh, no, no, if anything I should take the sofa,” Ali smiled warmly at him. “I'm used to sleeping on chairs in the hospital, a sofa is almost luxurious.”

“Actually, I thought we could share in the guest room,” Ashlyn proposed cautiously. “Dad, we're kinda used to it. Uh, I had a period of needing Ali to sleep with me in case I needed something in the middle of the night right after the surgery, so we got used.” She added, seeing her father's confusion.

They had already agreed they'd start dating once this hell was over, but they had also agreed on keeping things as low key as possible, because it didn't feel like the right time to introduce Ali officially as her girlfriend.

However, Mike seemed to take a look at them and catch it.

“Oh, you're dating.”

Ali looked panicked at Ashlyn, not knowing how she should react.

“We're...” Ashlyn sighed, she didn't want to lie to her family. “Sorta. We were about to when I got the call about...” she took a deep breath and nodded. “We're roommates, we care deeply about each other, we're co-workers, and close friends, and she's Finlay's favourite Auntie. And whether we'd like to have more than that or not... now is not the right time to indulge on that.”

“On the contrary,” Mike smiled small. “It's not my place to meddle but... if you were together, the family would be happy to have one good news.”

Ali and Ashlyn returned small smiles and nodded.

“Well if you're keeping the little man entertained, Ash and I will put our stuff away,” Ali offered. They were just on their way to the guest room when Finlay called.

“Mama! Mama”

“Oh, someone's talking loud and proud!” Mike smiled at his boy.

“Mama will be right back Sunshine,” Ashlyn smiled at him and waved a little, and he waved back.

The guest room was small and it was clear that Chris and Ashlyn both used it the most. There were some framed photographs, some diplomas, and Chris had some of his clothes there. Ashlyn pressed her lips tight as she grabbed them and folded them up on top of a high shelf inside the closet so they'd be out of the way. Together they unpacked and shoved the suitcases under the bed, before sitting on it to have a moment.

“You should rest after all that driving,” Ashlyn suggested caressing her hand.

“I'm okay,” Ali leaned and kissed her shoulder gently. “I'm happy to be here.”

“I apologize in advance for how sad and depressing this trip is going to be. This is not the way I like to start dating people.”

“Oh, don't worry about it. We're surgeons, we deal with tragedy, drama and angst for a living... I'm just happy I can be here for two of the people I care most about in the world when they're going through one of the worst things one can go through. I don't even know what I'd do if Kyle...” Ali shook her head, unable to even imagine it. “But I know I'd want my people by my side.”

Ashlyn wrapped an arm around her shoulders and nodded, pressing a kiss against her temple.

“Hey, I know it's a weird timing but... While Dad's quite busy drooling after his grandchild, what do you think if you and I go on a walk at the beach? We can make it a short, first date, before the chaos and sad things take control of life for a while. I was going to wait to have a proper restaurant first day back in London but... Dad's right. We should hold onto the good things. And if we keep waiting for a right moment, without sadness and drama and whatnow... we may never do it.”

Ali was just going to go with whatever felt right for Ashlyn. She wasn't in a hurry, it was Ashlyn who was recovering from losing her wife and then her brother, and although a part of her was afraid that Ashlyn would just use her, unintentionally, as something to avoid thinking of things and getting sad, at this moment she just wanted to go on with whatever the blonde preferred.

So she nodded.

“Right, then let's just make sure we don't leave a mess here and go.”

Ashlyn looked satisfied at her and nodded, quickly shoving their suitcases under the bed and their bags on a corner, and taking her hand, leading her out. They covered Finlay with kisses and, assuring Mike they'd be back shortly, they marched outside. Brighton had the air of a small town, even though it was quite big, and as they strolled down narrow streets in comfortable silence, they could smell the salt of the ocean and almost hear the waves.

At last, they arrived at the giant pier of Brighton, full of entertainment for the kids, and amusement park type of games, along with tiny stands with sweets, ice-cream, and food.

“It has more activity in the summer,” Ashlyn commented while they strolled holding hands. Her eyes weren't as bright and lively as usual, and she still looked crestfallen.

“Seems like a fun place for kids in the summer,” Ali said rubbing slow circles on Ashlyn's skin with her thumb, tenderly. “Did you play here with Chris when you were little?”

“Yeah,” Ashlyn nodded. “We couldn't afford much but... we liked to just walk around and see. We played more in the beach though. The beach is free.”

“That's true,” Ali leaned her head against Ashlyn's shoulder. Even though Ashlyn was a year younger than her, she was half a head taller, so half of her shoulder was over Ali's, at the perfect height to lean on every now and then. “We could bring Finlay here. Show him the carousel.”

“We could,” Ashlyn agreed. “Although we may have to wait until the summer for the carousel. Give him time to learn to sit-up on his own.”

“Oh, you're right, otherwise he'll fall off...”

“You know...” they were walking down to the beach now, taking their shoes in their free hands after having rolled up their trousers a little, so they feet could touch the sand and the water. It was grounding for Ashlyn. “My son was named after Chris. Their middle name is Ryan.”

Ali nodded, looking at her.

“I know. You've got Chris' name tattooed.”

“Yes,” Ashlyn nodded. “Mer chose Finlay, but I chose Ryan... because I wanted for him to be the baby's godfather. I thought it didn't matter if he was in a bad place, that when I called him and told him his nephew was named after him, and that he should be the godfather... a part of me thought he'd be so honoured and so happy, he'd make a bigger effort to get better.”

“It doesn't work that way though.”

“I knew it, but... I don't know, still got my hopes up,” Ashlyn shrugged. “He's been playing with drugs and alcohol since we were pretty much children. Twelve, Thirteen maybe. Many of my patients have that age, they're children. They don't know the heck they're doing. We did. Chris and I, whenever we got in trouble, whenever we smoked or did drugs or drank... we knew it wasn't okay. We didn't want to be like our parents.”

“Mike also did that? I thought it was just your Mum.”

“Mum did the alcohol. But she became an alcoholic because, when I was months old, Dad lost his job,” Ashlyn explained. “And at the time, he was the main salary. Mum barely made money, but between the both of them, it was okay. Then Dad's company was having cuts and he had been there fifteen years, he thought they wouldn't fire him... but they did. Said they wanted to keep people that were younger, more energetic.”

“That's awful!”

“It is. And he became so depressed. Depression, as you probably know, it has a genetic factor. In our family, it runs everywhere, like bad weed. So he started smoking from stress, anxiety, poor emotional intelligence, poor management of his feelings... and at first it was just normal cigs. But then, he started trying cannabis. And by the time I was three, he was full on heavy stuff.”

“Like Kyle,” they shared a look of understanding, and Ashlyn nodded.

“Unfortunately yes. And you know from Kyle, how it gets. It affects the way one behaves with family, everyone else... so he became a pain in the arse, a danger to the family. Mum was trying to support us, but he was aggressive and so tough to live with, she couldn't trust him to look after us while she worked, so we started living with my grandparents.”

“The ones with your Nana with Senile Dementia?”

“Yes,” Ashlyn nodded, as they strolled. “That's why we're so close with them. They're... so, so important to Chris and I. So beloved. They took care of us, and with them, we could feel like a normal family, you know? Because the poorer we got, the worst Dad got, and the harder it was for him to get a job, with only made him get more high. And then Mum started drinking too much and... then I was nine, Chris was doing drugs because he was suffering from the whole situation, that he had more recollection of than me, Mum was passed out on the sofa with all that alcohol... so it was me and Dad for the evening. My grandparents were getting old so we spent more time at home by then. And Dad was sitting on the backyard smoking weed. The house was so dirty and neglected, as it has been for my whole childhood. Have in count that those parents... that's the only version I knew. I was too young when it started to remember nothing else.”

“God... that's just...”

“Yeah...” Ashlyn shrugged. “It took my teens for me to realize my childhood wasn't the typical one. But uhm, Christopher was always... my rock. My hero. I worshipped him, I wanted to do everything he did, ever since I can remember. And he took really good care of me, always, he never once deceived me. Except that this evening, he was busy doing drugs, like I said and... I got thirsty. I couldn't reach the tap or the cupboard where the glasses were, because our counter had a lot of depth so even if I wasn't a short kid, my arms just weren't that long. So I normally would grab the jar from the fridge but on this occasion, it was empty, and Dad got very angry if I interrupted him, so I knew I had to fetch for myself. I was going to get a chair to climb on it when I saw this flask on the kitchen counter. My Dad often used the flask to drink alcohol outdoors without anybody suspecting, but at that age I thought it was the flask Chris used to get water when he went camping.”

“Oh no...” Ali could see where it was going. Ashlyn probably got drunk at nine.

“I didn't know Dad had put bleach in it to cleanse it,” Ashlyn said, and Ali's jaw dropped, not having expected that. “Luckily for me, it had water and not much bleach, so it wasn't so bad. But Dad got into the kitchen just as he saw me drink it, and... I still remember his face. How hard he wanted to shout at me and be angry, but also, he was so worried. So he just grabbed me and shook me until I swore I was okay, and then he checked the internet and saw if I just got some milk, it'll help. And then he sat for hours, watching me, just making sure I'd be okay. That was the last day he did drugs. He blamed himself for what could've happened. He told my family later, but Mum was too far gone to even understand, and same with Chris.”

“So at least,” Ali pulled from her to sit on the sand between the families and watch the waves, “he got sobered up because of it.”

“Yeah,” Ashlyn nodded. “The next day he was up early, cooking, cleaning the house, taking us to school, printing CVs. That week he got antidepressants, started therapy, made a petition to the government to receive economical aid, started looking for jobs, doing homework with us, cleaning... he became a whole new person for me. A Dad. He forbid Mum from drinking home, forbid alcohol from the house, and forced my brother into rehab for the first time. Then Mum divorced him, and Christopher would still get off the wagon now and then... but he did well for many years, really. We did. It was sad without Mum around, but she started therapy years later, improved... And uh, when I was twelve, I got into drugs, until Whitney, when I was in med school, dragged me to therapy and forced me to get clean. For me it was just...”she shrugged. “I don't know. I guess that even though my family was getting better, drugs had been all I knew from them for so long that when the hard teens came around I just knew that one way to deal with myself. I had just found about my scoliosis, and it was very bad then, we couldn't afford physiotherapy or any sort of treatment so... I got a bit addicted to painkillers and whatever would calm the pain.”

“What got your Mum and Christopher to get so bad again?” Ali inquired cautiously, once she realized Ashlyn was quiet for a beat too long. “If I may ask.” she added, putting an arm around her shoulders while Ashlyn buried a hand in the snow.

“I'm not sure,” Ashlyn frowned. “I think it was a combination of stuff. For Christopher, he was very affected when Nana got so sick, I left, and he finished his studies and found adult life is worse than he thought and he couldn't get any of the jobs he really wanted. I guess he was always going to be a recovering addict, and these things... threw him off, you know? He got depressed and all... And I tried to help from New York, but my wife was dying on me, so not much I could do. And Mum... honestly, I think he went back to drinking from seeing Christopher so bad again and me gone and always sad when we spoke on the phone. I always faked happiness, but she knew, she worried I was back in drugs. I guess she felt like she failed as a mother and we were both miserable so she was miserable. She doesn't drink as bad as she used to but also, she's older so... it gets more dangerous. That's why she lives in a facility. When I heard everything was so bad here, I came to get them both in facilities and left again. Mum had been doing better these months. Christopher was much, much better. But Nana keeps getting worse and when they visited her, he just got more depressed. He was allowed to visit as long as it wasn't alone. So I put him on suicide watch and... it failed. Somehow, it failed. We'll see what the autopsy reveals, but my bet is he managed to smuggle something in to give him courage to jump off the window. And now Mum is struggling again and on antidepressants in the rehab facility where she lives, unable to drink hard as she'd like to, while Nana keeps getting worse, and Dad's getting depressed, and I'm getting depressed. And Christopher should be here,” her voice got hoarse and she impatiently rubbed her eyes. “He knew it'd kill us if anything happened to him. But he was sick. And now... it feels like everything's falling apart. Without Meredith, without Christopher, without Nana, with my parents like this... I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't even have work to distract myself, just Finlay, and he's the most well-behaved child in the world.”

Ali let her ramble and get it all out, and then just wrapped both arms around her waist and leaned on her shoulder.

“It's going to get better,” Ali assured her. “And I'm not saying it because it's what you're supposed to say. I'm saying it because I am a Trauma Surgeon. I get paid to deal with things when the world it's upside down, hope is lost, disaster is all we can see and hell is here. I got trained to fix it. And I've learned that no matter how bad a situation seems, it always ends and gets better.”

Ashlyn smiled small leaning against her hair and interlaced their hands on her belly.

“I'm sorry,” said Ashlyn in a low voice, with the roar of the waves and the screams of children playing in the background. “This was supposed to be our first date. I should be overwhelming you with romanticism.”

With a snigger, Ali sat up and wrapped her into a hug, forcing her to lean onto her smaller body.

“Getting to know you better is pretty romantic in my eyes,” Ali said kissing her forehead. “And I'm happy you feel free to talk to me about hard stuff.”

“You make everything seem easy,” Ashlyn moved to kiss her cheek. “Now get up, I'm going to buy you flowers, we'll share a mini pie, and we're going to play old school arcade games so I can kick your competitive arse before going to sing karaoke and drink some fancy wine of your liking so before the day ends, you're the one kicking my competitive arse. How does that sound for a romantic date?”

Ali grinned, looking up at her.

“It sounds fantastic,” she said before kissing her softly. Ashlyn smiled against he kiss and kissed her back, wrapping her arms around her too.

  
  



	23. How to save a life

**Chapter 23: How to save a life.**

Ali rolled over in bed to find Ashlyn sweetly asleep in her side, with Finlay between her arms sleeping comfortably. She kissed her girlfriend on the lips and and the baby on the head and slid out of bed, getting dressed quickly before going to the bathroom to brush her hair and wash her face. Then hearing, noises in the kitchen, she went there and found Mike making pancakes and juice. He turned around hearing her, and smiled warmly at her. He was dressed too, and had shaven.

“Good morning Ali, I hope you slept well?”

“I did, good morning,” Ali smiled, sitting by the small kitchen table. “Woah, you did all of this just now? It looks amazing Mike, thank you.”

“You're very welcome. Is my daughter still sleeping?”

“Yeah. She had some awful back pain and sciatica last night,” Ali explained to him. “So she may oversleep a little today.”

“That's okay. Scoliosis and a baby aren't the ideal combo,” Mike smiled warmly, putting a plate full of pancakes in front of her and another for himself.

“Thanks!”

“So,” he sat across her, “a thank you is in order. You're taking such good care of them for me.”

“I care a lot about them,” Ali said, gulping the pancake she had just been munching. “They mean a lot. So whatever they need, I'm in.”

Mike smiled appreciatively and nodded, eating his breakfast with some juice.

“You were in the Army, right?” Ali nodded, mouth full. “So you understand what loss is like.”

“I do. And uh...” Ali shrugged, thoughtful. She wasn't sure it was okay to share this much information with the man, but she followed her gut. “I have a big brother, Kyle, he's my best friend and... I almost lost him to addiction. So I've got a bit of an idea of, you know, what Ashlyn's going through.”

Mike solemnly nodded.

“Is he okay now? Your brother?”

“Yes, he's a nurse at the hospital where we work. He's doing great.”

“I'm glad,” Mike smiled small. “My kiddos, they weren't the easiest to parent, but to be fair their mother and I were never half as good as they deserve. If they were any difficult and got into trouble and stuff... that's on us. We should've done much, much better. But I'm glad that now Ashlyn has good people in her life, people like you, to look after her. She never lets us in too much, she's too worried we'll get worried sick, too overprotective.”

“She is,” Ali smirked. “But don't worry about her too much Mike, seriously. Like you said, she's got a whole support team to look after her and Finn, and I am happy to do whatever it takes. And... maybe don't beat yourself up for this too much. Ashlyn told me how you and Tammye weren't going through a good period of your lives when things went downhill, you weren't okay and you made some parenting mistakes... but you didn't mean to. I get it, Ash gets it, I'm sure Chris understood too. So instead of focusing on the fact that you lost your way... perhaps you should focus on the fact that you made amends, got your stuff together and became a better man for your family.”

Mike sighed, but nodded, finishing his pancake.

“But I still lost my son, Ali. He never recovered. If we had only done a bit better...”

“It's not your fault,” Ali reached a hand over the table and gently placed it on Mike's. “Christopher had an army of people who loved him and cared for him, and he knew that, but he was sick. His death happened because he was sick, not because of you or Tammye. It's not your fault, okay? He was just sick, and the professionals who should've known how to help him, the ones that had specific training and experience to help him, failed miserably. But you and Ashlyn and the rest of your family... you did what you had to do, you got him into a facility thinking they'd do their job and help treat him and get better, it was them who failed big time, but you couldn't have known, and there's no way you could've taken care of a suicidal man, you're not a doctor specialized on that, none of us are. So if you're going to blame somebody, blame the right people, and feel proud of yourself, Mike. You raised a lovely daughter who is an amazing mother, doctor and friend, and you're the best grandfather Finlay could ever dream of. You're doing a good job.”

Mike grinned sadly and nodded, squeezing her hand gently.

“Thank you, Ali. You're one of the good ones.”

“I try,” Ali chuckled and retired her hand just as Ashlyn arrived, looking tired in her pyjamas and with Finlay drooling against her shoulder. “Good morning beauties!”

“Good morning,” Ashlyn smiled, kissing her cheek and then her Dad's. “Pancakes! Thanks Dad.”

“You're welcome. Hand me the little one and sit eat properly.” He received his sleepy grandson and smiled down at him, cupping his cheek. “You're such a handsome boy aren't you? He looks more and more like you every day sweetie.”

“I sure hope so, I didn't went through all the freaking hormonal treatments for nothing,” Ashlyn joked around as she paced making some strong tea.

“How's your back?” Ali inquired.

“Pretty terrible. And the sciatica is not going anywhere,” Ashlyn sighed in defeat, limping slightly as she tried to put less weight on her hurting leg. “I've taken some painkillers I brought with me, but I've got morphine if it gets extremely bad.”

“I thought you didn't take meds just in case you became dependant,” Mike commented.

“Well I'm already on antidepressants since Meredith anyway, and I pace myself, so...” Ashlyn shrugged, sitting and stretching her leg while looking hungrily at her plate. “In any case Dad, I only take stuff when it gets seriously bad. I swear it's driving me to madness, I'll have to call my physiotherapist the moment we return to London.”

“Good idea,” Ali sweetly pulled a lock of Ashlyn's blonde hair behind her ear so it wouldn't be on her face, and caressed her cheek. “If you want I can give you a massage?”

“Thank you,” Ashlyn kissed her palm. “But it doesn't really help. When it comes to this, not even the average painkiller works, nothing works. But it doesn't matter, I've got a busy day ahead. I want to go visit Mum and then Nana and Papa. What do you say baby, want to go play with Grandpa Kurt?” Ashlyn added looking lovingly at her son, who was busy chewing a small bit of cheese Mike had given him.

“Poor thing's teething, isn't he?” Mike kissed his boy's forehead. “So much drool.”

“Yeah...” Ali smiled at Finlay, unable to resist his cuteness. “If you want Ash, I can go with you or stay with Finlay.”

“Is it okay if you hang out with him while Dad and I go see Mum, and then I'll pick you guys up to hang out with my grandparents?”

“That's perfectly fine. We'll go have a stroll and do some tourism.”

“Fantastic. Thank you,” Ashlyn couldn't believe her luck with Ali. She was just so good to them.

In the end, Ashlyn and Mike were out for about three hours. Ali took Finlay in his trolley and strolled around Brighton, getting to know it better, taking Finlay to the beach for a tiny bit, and having lunch with him in a little cafeteria with great views of the ocean. It felt like a pretty nice morning, and she hoped Ashlyn was enjoying seeing her mother too. She understood Ashlyn wanting to keep her and Finlay away from Tammye, she didn't need any sort of explanation. Her mother was a drunkie working to get sober, mourning, and Ashlyn was so overprotective she didn't want them near if Tammye wasn't going to give her best behaviour.

However, when shortly after lunch Finlay was taking a nap while Ali cleaned the kitchen at Mike's flat, she received a wonderful surprise.

“Hi,” Ashlyn appeared at the kitchen door, grinning, and next to her was a woman Ali could only identify as Tammye. The resemblance was so uncanny that, even if Ali hadn't seen her in pictures, there was no way she wouldn't recognize her. She had Ashlyn's chin and strong cheekbones, a similar smile, the same hazel eyes and curly blonde hair that reached her shoulders. “Mum, this is Ali. Mum really wanted to meet you.”

“Hi!” Ali grinned coming closer. “What a nice surprise!”

“It's so nice to finally meet you,” Tammye hugged her, surprising her further, and Ali almost cried from happiness at how nice Tammye's hugs were, just like Ashlyn's, warm, sincere, unhurried. “Ashlyn was telling me so much about you.”

“I hope she skipped the ugly bits,” Ali joked smiling warmly at her as they separated. “I'm sorry we meet under such sad circumstances.”

Tammye nodded, releasing a sigh.

“There's always beauty in darkness. When horrible things happen, that's when people show up the most.”

“That's true,” Ali admitted.

“Now where's my grandson? I need to kiss him urgently.” Tammye looked at her daughter, who looked at Ali.

“He's taking a nap in Ashlyn's room, but I'm sure he won't mind some gentle kissing,” Ali replied, and Tammye squealed, turning towards Ashlyn's room down the corridor.

“You are amazing,” Ashlyn pecked Ali's lips. “Did you guys have fun?”

“We did. We saw the beach and the park, and Finlay did the cutest sounds about one of these mop-like dogs,” Ali replied wrapping her arms around her. “I take the visit went well if she's here.”

“She's two years sober today,” Ashlyn nodded. “We had some talking about Chris, some crying... but she let it all out and then all she wanted was to spend some time with her grandson, and we couldn't say no. Plus, police called me, said Christopher is now at the Funeral Home we selected, the autopsy was completed, so Dad is waiting in the car while we gather you and Finlay and then we're going to go there so Dad and I can start arrangements for the funeral while Mum sees Christopher or something. My grandparents and other relatives will be there too to pay their respects, and we should be able to hold a funeral in a couple days or so.”

“All right,” Ali nodded. “Well, I'll be there and help you out. What did the autopsy conclude?”

“That he wasn't drugged or drunk, and that there is no evidence anyone did anything to him. Police has closed the investigation saying he jumped off the window,” Ashlyn explained. “Apparently he had been in the canteen having dinner with the other patients of the facility, they said he looked crestfallen, but that it was the normal thing with him. He went back to his room and the nurse came with his meds. She said she found him crying and hugged him for comfort, gave him his antidepressants, and that only about twenty minutes later did she notice that the key chain she had in her pocket with most keys of the ward, including the window keys, was missing. She returned to Christopher's room to see if she might've left them there, because he was the last patient he saw and... the window was open and he wasn't there. So she went to the window and saw him down on the grass, dead.”

“Shit,” Ali sighed, shaking her head. “Shit... what are you going to do? I'm pretty sure it's a negligence, right?”

“There's nothing for me to do,” Ashlyn sighed sadly. “Sue them? Spend the little energy I've got left, and my hard-earned money on that? It won't bring Christopher back. And police being there constantly has damaged their reputation enough for everyone to know what they did and not take their families there, and the nurse was fired, so... that's all. I don't want their money.”

“It's your money, that you paid for them to take care of Christopher. You could get it back.”

“It's fine,” Ashlyn shook her head. “I'd rather just move on, you know? Let's go, okay? Don't want to have Dad waiting forever.”

They moved into Ali's big Land Rover, which had Finlay's car seat already, and Ashlyn and Tammye sat in the back with him while Ali drove next to Mike, who showed her the way around and helped her get to the Funeral Home. Once they parked and went inside, Ali got to meet Ashlyn's grandparents Kurt and Eunice, and they also met with Ashlyn's Uncle James and Aunt Violet Habovick, who were the parents of Corey and Carlin, Ashlyn's cousins on her father's side, while Uncle Dave Smith and Aunt Sophie were the parents of Liz and Anna, Ashlyn's cousins on her mother's side. Corey had just arrived from London with his wife, their children back home with Brittany's family, and the others didn't have kids, as Corey and Ashlyn were the eldest now that Christopher was gone, and were still unmarried and childless, just figuring adult life out.

Kurt and Eunice seemed to treat all the youngsters as their grandchildren, regardless of whether they were in the Harris side or not. Kurt had the gentlest expression and dark eyes, and Eunice had stunning blue eyes. Her Senile Dementia had good days and bad days and now, even though she couldn't exactly tell who they were, she seemed to sense her relationship to them, or to still remember the feeling, and she hugged her son and Tammye without anyone telling her to do so, and then Ashlyn and, when introduced, Ali. But seeing Finlay really seemed to lift her spirits up, as she held him while he was sleeping and they sat in the waiting room, and seemed to, for a moment, be herself again.

“They're getting him ready, they said it'll still be an hour or so, as we just brought his clothes now,” Ashlyn told them returning from going to make an inquiry and see if they could see Christopher yet. “We could go down to the cafeteria and have some tea. They have some nice views.”

“Yeah,” Tammye nodded, looking a little grim, like everyone else was starting to look. “Let's do that.”

So the extensive group gathered themselves and walked downstairs to the cafeteria, putting together a few tables outside in the garden. It was still light outside, and even though a little fresh, it was nothing they couldn't handle, and the air kind of felt nice. Ashlyn simply wrapped her son up in another blanket from his trolley and sat between Ali and Eunice, letting her hold her great-grandson for a little longer.

“Is your leg still bothering you?” Ali whispered into Ashlyn's ear, as the table filled with light chattering while having some cake and tea, and she caught Ashlyn's hand gripping her thigh hard.

“Yeah...” Ashlyn replied. “It's fine, don't worry.” Despite her words, Ali put a hand beneath the table and caressed Ashlyn's thigh, trying to ease her pain, and Ashlyn thanked the gesture with a kiss on the temple.

While they ate some, Ashlyn and Mike, who sat on Ali's other side, still had folders with paperwork for the funeral arrangements, that they had split between them both. Corey eyed it and looked at his cousin.

“So when's the funeral, Ash?”

“Dad and I were thinking, the morning after tomorrow. We've had to wait long enough with the autopsy, so the sooner, the better.”

“Sounds good,” Carlin had reddened eyes from crying, and smiled small at Ashlyn, looking at her with warm dark eyes. “Besides you guys should get back to the hospital soon.”

“That's fine, I'm on medical leave anyway,” Ashlyn reminded them. “Can't do much with a broken wrist, and my head's still not where it should be. So I'll stay for a while.”

A couple hours later, Ali stood by Finlay's trolley, staring sadly at Christopher, who looked asleep in his black suit in his casket on a catafalque, while Ashlyn cried silently with a hand on his chest, staring at him. Everyone had left by now. It was too painful to stay a long time for Mike and Tammye, so Corey and Brittany drove them back to the rehab centre and Mike's flat, and the others had also gradually left, consumed by tears and heartbreak. Even Ali had sobbed some, feeling their pain, even when she hadn't known Christopher, but wished to.

Now, she looked up at Ashlyn, rubbing her back soothingly, and felt that, no matter what, she was going to stay.

  
  



	24. A step forward

**Chapter 24: A step forward.**

Ali accompanied the Harris clan for two weeks in Brighton, before it really became time for her to return to the hospital, as Abby couldn't really have her gone any longer. Their friends had been there a few days too, but now, Ashlyn and Finlay would be alone for a couple weeks more with their family, making sure Tammye and Mike got back on their feet. Ali had wanted to stay more, to spend her sick days if necessary, but Ashlyn persuaded her to return. She could get the train back to London, it was all right for Ali to leave. They had had a few nice dates, a bit sad, but nice enough, and Ashlyn was secretly happy Ali wouldn't have to be surrounded by so much sadness anymore.

It was mid March when Ashlyn and Finlay finally returned, and Ali went to pick them up at Victoria Station in London. She wasn't prepared for the feeling that struck her when she saw them. She had surely missed them; the house was lonely, too quiet, too empty. But this felt as if her heart had shattered a little which each passing day without them, despite the numerous videocalls, and now it was getting back together.

“Finally!” Ali grinned, jumping to Ashlyn's arms as she found her in the multitude.

“We missed you so much!” Ashlyn hugged her back with a smile, burying her face in Ali's dark mane. “Let me see you, you're so much prettier in person.” Ali chuckled as Ashlyn cupped her face and, after staring for a moment, kissed her.

“The flat sucks without you,” Ali said after the kiss, and squealed when she saw Finlay awake in the trolley. “There's my boy! Hi!”

Ashlyn laughed, getting her suitcase off the undersides of the trolley and letting Ali push the trolley outside before her, all the while talking and making sounds to Finlay, until they reached the car.

“I swear he's so much bigger. You need to stop growing handsome,” Ali held the boy and put him into his car seat while Ashlyn put her suitcase, backpack, and the trolley inside the boot, with Ali helping as soon as she could.

“I keep telling him the same thing, but he's just a rebel,” Ashlyn joked. They closed the bonnet and she grinned at Ali. “I seriously am happy to see you.”

“Let it show,” Ali grinned back, putting her arms around her neck and kissing her intensely. After a moment of kissing, they remained in each other's arms staring sweetly at one another. “How's everyone? How are you?”

“They're doing better and I'm doing better. In case you didn't realize, I've got my left hand open on your back, with perfect control.”

Ali's jaw opened in realization.

“You're right! So your left recovered?” Ashlyn had been attending another recovery facility in Brighton to continue her physiotherapy and rehabilitation.

“My left leg still feels a little weak, and my hand sometimes has tremors, but... I can hold medium weights fine enough, and it doesn't hurt, and coordination is mostly restored, stiffness mostly gone... maybe this is as far as it goes, but it's much better than it was so, cheers,” Ashlyn pecked her lips again.

“And your head? Your back?”

“I barely have headaches anymore, my attention span has improved, I'm reading again and my back continues to be a bitch. What about you?” Ashlyn kissed her cheek. “Looking hot as ever, feeling good?”

Ali smiled sweetly, cupping her face.

“Therapy's going well and I'm sleeping much better, so yes. Now let's go home, I'll make us some hot chocolate and we can cuddle and watch a film.” They kissed again and Ali dragged her into the car again.

As Ali drove them back to their flat, they chatted in the car and got up to date on everything. It didn't matter that they had frequently phoned one another and told them about their day, they just liked to hear and see each other face to face, even if they received one same information twice. However, not wishing to dwell any more on the sad family things, their main topic of conversation quickly became work, as it often happens when two workoholics get together.

“I'm not going to be cleared for surgery until my hand is absolutely fine, but I phoned Sauerbrunn and we thought I could do consults as long as I report to the head of my department continuously, and I can do research, hang out in the lab, that sort of thing,” Ashlyn said. “Which means, I can start officially contributing to our research on Meredith's disease.”

“Awesome, I'll pass you my notes. I'm on-call tonight so I'll be back at the hospital, but see you in the morning?”

“Sure, we can have breakfast together in the cafeteria once I drop Finlay off at daycare,” Ashlyn leaned over the gearbox to kiss her cheek. “Have I mentioned you smell really good?” she added pressing a second kiss to her jawline.

Ali blushed and smirked.

“I'm not sure, but doing it again is always good so the message really... sticks,” Ali said innocently, giggling as Ashlyn hummed in agreement and kissed down her neck. “All right babe, stop it, we don't need a car accident and I don't trust my driving while you're doing that.”

“Doing what?” Ashlyn feigned innocence. “I was just contemplating how beautiful London looks through the window.”

“Yeah, I'm sure you were.”

They chuckled at each other and Ali sighed in content, moving a hand to squeeze Ashlyn's for a moment. At last, she felt like everything was where it was supposed to be, now that they were together again, going home.

The few hours they could spend home before Ali had to return to the hospital were filled with drinking wine, checking Ali's advances in their research, making-out and playing with Finlay, so that when the brunette finally left, they were both feeling much warmer inside than when they had woken-up alone that morning.

After a nice night sleeping in her own bed, Ashlyn felt refreshed and ready for work. She packed Finlay's daycare bag, grabbed her briefcase and her doctor stuff, and took Finlay on an underground trip to the hospital, as she wasn't ready for driving just yet. Once he was in daycare and she had changed into her uniform, she was whistling out of cheerfulness and making her way tot he cafeteria, where she was meeting their friends and Ali for breakfast. Their group of friends knew now that they were dating, but taking things slow. Ali and herself had, however, agreed on being exclusive, because both of them found it difficult to date someone who was going out and sleeping with or kissing God knew who else. They'd much rather focus on one person at a time.

“There she is!” Whitney cheered for her as she appeared with a grin and a breakfast tray. “Ready for work?”

“Born ready,” Ashlyn said full of confidence, sitting in front of Ali after giving her a light peck on the lips. “How was the night?”

“There was a big car accident, one car skid on the road, crashed against the car in front, and it produced a chain effect of crashes. Luckily, nothing too bad, mostly small fractures and concussions,” Ali explained.

“Shit, I'm always missing out on the good stuff,” Ashlyn smiled.

“And how's my favourite man?” Ali added with a chuckle.

“He is rocking daycare, I think there's a nurse he kinda fancies,” Ashlyn joked. “Always seems to fake for her attention.”

“Little heartbreaker, goes in the blood,” Rapinoe commented smugly, as she fixed her short blonde hair and kept it pointing at the ceiling and full of product, with her eyes on a small mirror she had on the table. “You know when he's older, he'll have Auntie Pinoe to learn pick-up lines and consent.”

“He'll have all of us to learn pick-up lines and consent,” Heather said rolling eyes. “An army of Aunties.”

“Sounds lovely,” Ashlyn laughed, shaking her head and focusing on her meal. However, this lasted very little, as Doctor Dwyer appeared.

“Doctor Harris, welcome back! I'm assigned to you today,” the brunette woman announced standing by her seat.

“Awesome, I just need five minutes to finish my juice and I'll catch up with you,” Ashlyn said, expecting for her to just go and let her eat.

“Actually, I have a consult. There's this patient... I have interns in the library doing research, because it's a very odd case.”

“What do you mean very odd?”

“Well, there's this fifteen year old girl, Evannah Harlem, who has lung cancer,” Ashlyn looked up at her, waiting for the odd part to drop. “She already defeated brain cancer and bone cancer when she was a child. And both her parents are cancer survivors, and grandparents. It's like it runs in the family, and she doesn't respond to chemo, and it looks like every time she defeats cancer it appears again. And now... it seems absurd to put her through surgery again if it's just going to keep coming, and the parents are urging us to find a way to get it from continuing to return.”

“Right,” Ashlyn took the files from her and eyed them over the remains of her breakfast. “That's what every parent wants, Dwyer, for us to cure their kid so they never get sick again. They've got cancer running in the family, chances are there's a genetic predisposition to it, and therefore, very likely it'll keep coming, to Evannah and, if she survives enough to have kids, even to her own kids.”

“That's what I was thinking, so I've got interns researching for any genetic causes,” Sydney Dwyer confirmed, staring as Ashlyn went through her files and research for the case. “But I thought perhaps you already know what this is.”

Ashlyn simply nodded in silence and continued to read while the others continued to eat and go about their own stuff. It was only her first day back and her brain still felt a little foggy, which was one of the reasons why she couldn't do surgery yet, but now she was remembering she had had a similar patient in her junior years, almost a decade before.

“Could be Li-Fraumeni's Syndrome,” Ashlyn suggested.

“Li-Fraumeni? But that's like, super weird,” Tobin, sitting next to her, was reading over her shoulders out of curiosity. “Highly uncommon.”

“Yes, I've only seen it once,” Ashlyn agreed. “But it fits though.”

“I've never heard of it, what is it?” Doctor Dwyer asked looking up at her teachers.

“It's a mutation of the P53 gene, it goes in the family, and affects the way cells grow, so basically the moment she defeats one cancer, another one will come,” Ashlyn turned then from the paper to the younger doctor. “You need to get every junior assigned to you to do intense research and don't leave the hospital until they figure a way to treat this because this girl doesn't have two weeks, all right? At the rhythm this cancer is growing, she'll be dead.”

“But if you know what it is, there must be a cure.”

“Each case is treated differently, depending on the tumours and the cancers and the symptoms in general, as well as the patient's age and record, etc,” Ashlyn gave her the papers back. “The Juniors need to find every other case study there is, and not just them, you go take care of that, get another Registrar as well, whoever is available. I'll join you in the library after rounds. Get the girl's family tested, and get a biopsy of that tumour in her lungs, maybe we can tailor some cure for her if we have that. And I'll see if I can find the records of the one case I've seen.”

“Gotcha, thanks,” Dwyer didn't lose time and quickly ran with the papers.

“I can give you a hand with it, sounds fascinatingly complicated and it's your first day back,” Nick offered as soon as the younger doctor was away, looking at Ashlyn.

“It's fine,” Ashlyn sipped the rest of her juice. “I'll figure something out. And I'll see you later,” she smiled as she leaned to kiss Ali again, and vanished in a rush.

Ali sat back with a smug expression, savouring the taste of Ashlyn's lip balm in her own lips, and Heather elbowed her with amusement.

“Girl, you're totally whipped aren't you?”

“She's super intelligent, kind, funny, lovely, and sexy as hell, what do you think?” Ali questioned rhetorically.

“And she's got a son who goes in the package and a load of psychological and emotional baggage, are you sure you want to go in deep with that?” Whitney couldn't help worrying for her best friend getting heartbroken when Ali realized she was too much to bear.

“I'm willing to go as in deep as she wants to go,” Ali shrugged. “Come on, it's not like I don't have my own baggage to bear, it's part of the reason why we're such a good match, we understand the kind of crap the other's in.”

“I think you guys have chemistry, like Tobs and I,” Christen commented looking at her boyfriend with lovesick eyes. “When you know it, you know it.”

“Damn right,” Tobin scratched his stubbly face and smiled, leaning to kiss her.

It was hours before Ali caught Ashlyn again. She was just coming out of the theatre from performing an emergency surgery and Ashlyn was standing reading the surgery board with her brow furrowed in concentration in a way that Ali found extremely adorable. So she casually walked over to the younger woman, already eyeing the on-call room just a couple metres away, and put her most professional expression.

“Doctor Harris, can I borrow you for a consult?”

Ashlyn raised an eyebrow but nodded.

“Sure, what is it?” But Ali was already grabbing her arm and locking them in an on-call room. “Ali, what...?”

“I,” Ali pressed an intense kiss against her lips, cornering her against the wall, “would need,” she kissed her again, feeling her smile against her lips, “a check-up.”

“A check-up? How come? You don't seem sick to me.” Ashlyn raised an eyebrow amused at her, already smirking.

To her surprise, Ali merely undid the lace of her scrubs trousers, and let them fall down.

“Well Doctor Harris, you see, it's important to check the vagina is properly moisturized and not all dry,” she said casually. “And your tongue is the best at that.”

Ashlyn's jaw sightly fell and her eyes dilated out of desire, which Ali could see even though the only light coming in was the one coming through the curtains of the inside windows.

“Then I guess it's only my duty to get on with the task, isn't it?”

“And I'll advise you to be very, very thorough.”

A smug smirk crossed Ashlyn's face as she nodded, silently taking off her coat and dropping it on the bed, before sitting on the bed with her face directly in front of Ali's crotch. She slid down her underwear, making sure to cup her arse as she did so, and then pressed her hands against her arse in order to have her wetness closer to her face.

“You look very moisturized to me, Doctor Krieger. But in my professional opinion, I should still check it with my tongue just to ensure it's all right.”

“Well if it's your professional opinion, then please do.”

Ashlyn looked even more smug and nodded, grabbing her ass cheeks and sucking Ali's clit so hard the brunette grabbed her head to keep herself standing, throwing her head back in delight.

Ten minutes later, they were both cleaning their mouths with wipes and tying their trousers' cords once again. They smiled at each other, throwing the wipes into the small baggage basket before wrapping their arms around each other and kissing tenderly.

“I asked Whitney if she could manage Finlay tonight,” Ashlyn announced wrapping her strong arms around her waist.

“How come?”

“I want to take you on our tenth date. I checked the board, you'll be out by six, and I'm not doing surgeries so I'll be out even earlier probably, and Whitney can pick Finlay up from daycare at five. So she'll take care of him, and I'll wait for you and take you on a date. If you want.” She added, seeing Ali's small gesture of rejection.

“I do want to, it's just... I've been at work since last night, I'm already exhausted and I have another surgery in an hour. I don't think I've got the energy for a date.”

“I know, which is why I've planned for a chill date,” Ashlyn smiled, nudging her nose with her own. “We'll go home, I'll prepare us a hot, massage bubble bath with flower petals and while you get settled in the bathtub, I'll prepare some snacks for us to eat while we relax in the tub. Then we'll go to bed, I'll give you a nice massage, and when you inevitably fall asleep, I'll tuck you in bed and snuggle with you.”

Ali was already smiling. She was always caught off guard by Ashlyn's empathy and considerate personality, so she kissed her in an attempt to convey how happy and grateful she was.

“That sounds like something I can't possibly say no to.”

“I was hoping so,” Ashlyn kissed her again, her tongue brushing Ali's. “I'll see you later then?”

“For sure.”

They held each other's hand and Ashlyn opened the door, guiding them outside. With one last squeeze, their hands parted ways and they walked in different directions. However, after a couple steps, Ali called her.

“Hey Harris!”

“Yeah?”

Ashlyn turned around. Ali merely smiled and winked, and Ashlyn winked back, feeling extremely triumphant as they walked away.

  
  



	25. We're on flames baby

**Chapter 25: We're on flames baby.**

Music was making the car vibrate while Ali drove them home, and they were singing their hearts out, drumming with their hands against the car and their thighs, laughing and being silly. It didn't matter that the traffic was horrible or that they were tired and a bit depressed from their work, they were enjoying life now. At last, Ali parked right around the corner of their flat and they held hands while strolling through the dark streets on their way home.

“Okay serious question,” Ashlyn said squeezing her hand as they exited the parking where they had left the car. “Cats or dogs?”

“Duh, cats! We're surgeons, how are we supposed to walk a dog?”

“You really just keep getting better and better.”

They smiled adoringly at each other.

“Favourite season?” Ali asked then.

“Summer. Your birthday, warmth, less rain, sun, beach!” Ali giggled at her childish over-excitement. “Yours?”

“Autumn. Your birthday, rain, romantic dates snuggled on the sofa with hot chocolate cups and the chimney on...”

“Oh, that could make me change my answer,” they looked satisfied at one another, and then Ashlyn went ahead. “Will you still be in my life when autumn comes?”

“I'll do my best effort,” Ali replied, stopping to cup her face and kiss her tenderly. “I can't imagine where else I'd rather be than here with you.”

Ashlyn was already leaning for a deeper kiss when a explosion resounded in the whole neighbourhood. Startled, they looked around for the source and saw a load of thick black smoke in the air, so without thinking twice, they ran towards it. They turned around the block, and were able to see the smoke came from a tower of flats that had a fire in a flat that was in the middle of the tower, approximately. They sprint towards it, both already with phones in their hands trying to get through to the emergency services, while other citizens crowded around the tower, staring up at the flats in horror.

When they finally reached the building, they ran through the multitude crowded nearby and, breathless, stopped at the door and looked at each other.

“You stay here. I'm a trauma surgeon. I need to go inside.”

“I'm not fucking letting you in there alone, and in any case Ali, you're not a paramedic or a firefighter. We need to wait for them.”

“There's no time, look,” Ali pointed through the glass door, as they could see dark thick smoke coming from the stairs and starting to cloud the entry hall. “They need to evacuate right now, and the ones in the tallest part of the building may not have the time to come downstairs with this smoke, they won't be able to breathe.”

Just then, the first few people evacuating the building opened the door and stormed outside, coughing and holding onto one another. Ali took the opportunity to run inside, using her phone as a lantern, and so did Ashlyn.

They shouted everyone they crossed paths with to evacuate, and they did their best to bow low, covering their airways with their jackets tied around their necks, and squinting their eyes. The building wasn't too tall, perhaps nine or ten storeys, but it was a labyrinth of long corridors and, even though the fire probably wasn't too bad, as it looked like a gas explosion in one single flat, it was burning rubber and synthetic materials from likely a kitchen, which produced thick black smoke, burning hot, that made it impossible to see, kept them stumbling with the stairs, and made breathing a very hard task. Their best bet was to get on all fours or as bowed forward as possible, staying as close to the floor as they could, where there was less smoke, as it naturally went up.

“We need to make sure everyone gets out!” Ali shouted between coughing. Ashlyn couldn't see her, even though she knew from the sound that she was right next, but she reached out for her and grabbed her by the t-shirt.

“Alex!” she broke into coughing, then went on, feeling her eyes teary from the smoke. “Finlay can't lose us! We need to get back!”

“I can't! You go Ash,” Ali coughed. “You're right, Finn can't lose us both. You go. I'll deal with this and see you downstairs.”

“I'm not leaving you, damn it!”

“Then just trust me! This is my job, I need to do this, and everything will be just fine,” she was coughing again and they got out of the stairwell and into a corridor, running to a window to seek oxygen. They stared at each other illuminated by the emergency lights, as the others weren't working, and the street lights coming through the window, and Ashlyn kissed her.

“I trust you. Just, don't try to be a hero.”

“Help! Help! Somebody help!” a boy's voice came through the dark smoke and Ali ran back inside. Ashlyn followed the sound of her steps, and they met with a closed door. Someone was hitting it on the other side. “Help me! Help me!”

“Open the door!” Ali urged him between coughing, trying to force the door open.

“I can't! It's stuck!”

“Help us! Help us!” a second, feminine voice came from inside too.

“The wood swells with the heat,” Ashlyn said. “Okay, sit on the floor! You'll be able to breathe better and we'll get you out!”

The women squatted, coughing, and tried to come up with a plan while they were wrapped in a tight hug by the black smoke. They could hear shouting in the lower floors, from the firefighter.

“We need to get him out,” Ali murmured as they heard him cough. “Boy! What's your name?”

“Kenneth!” he answered between coughing. “Mum and Dad went out and left me babysitting my little sister Sarah, But then I saw smoke coming in, didn't know what to do! And now, we can hardly breathe!” he kept coughing against the door.

“How old are you Kenneth?” Ali asked then.

“Fifteen!”

“Okay, is there any balcony you guys can go to?” Ashlyn added.

“No!”

“Shit...” Ashlyn could hardly think with the lack of oxygen, and her head was hurting, but she suddenly came up with an idea. She dug up a pocketknife from the inside pocket of her jacket, and blindly felt for the edge of the door, sliding the blade between it and the frame, cutting the swollen wood quickly and as much as she could, until it finally unstuck, opened, and the kids came out. “Keep your heads low!” she felt for a boy that reached her shoulder in height, and a girl that only reached her hips, and put her jacket over the head of the youngest one. “Press this against your face so the smoke doesn't get in, okay? Let's go!”

“This way!” Ali illuminated with her phone's lantern, united to Ashlyn's, and the four quickly advanced in the dark, finding the stairs. “Kenneth, you go first, grab your sister. Slowly, okay? Don't fall, stay low and don't touch the metal banister, it's probably burning hot. And no matter what, do not stop.”

For a long moment, all they could hear were their constant coughing and the firefighter slowly advancing upstairs, calling for anyone who could hear them. And suddenly, after they had managed two floors downstairs, they heard a persistent knocking in the floor they had just vacated.

“Hello?!” Ali shouted up. The knocking continued. “Perhaps they can speak. You take the kids down, I'll go.”

“There's no way...!”

“Ashlyn! I'm pulling rank, fucking do as you're told!”

Ashlyn felt a quick kiss on her cheek, and heard Ali go.

“ALEX!”

But the coughing minors reminded her that she had to keep going, and she guided them one more floor below, where they finally met with the firefighter.

“Come on you three, let's go!” one of the firefighter said through his mask.

“You take the kids, I've got to go back!”

Ignoring the firefighter's pleas, Ashlyn grabbed onto the wall for guidance and ran up, shouting Ali's name between coughs, feeling her lungs burning and sweat dripping down her face and evaporating shortly after. She went to the floor from where the knocking seemed to have come, no longer hearing it, and ran blindly into the corridor shouting for Ali. She was starting to feel dizzy and she stumbled with her feet. And then her voice came.

“Here!” Ashlyn turned towards the voice and they crashed. “Sorry! I've got a woman, I think she's deaf-mute.”

Ashlyn felt for them and helped them get the woman onto Ali's back as a piggy back ride, and then help them go downstairs. It was a slow process with Ali weakly trying go move without breaking her neck, trusting Ashlyn's guidance blindly, but at last they got to the firefighters and one of them took the lady, while Ashlyn grabbed Ali's sweaty hand and followed them.

At one point, Ali's coughing suddenly became really frantic and Ashlyn felt her hand slid from hers.

“Alex!” she extended her arms blindly trying to find her, her heart drumming hard with anxiety, and at last she found her on her knees on the floor, trying hard to breathe. “Come on!” Ashlyn had retrieved her jacket from the child when she handed her to the firefighter, so now she wrapped it around Ali's head trying to protect her from the smoke, and squatted, helping Ali climb on her back and putting her forearms under Ali's thighs, leaning forward as Ali's arms slid over her shoulders and her head supported against her shoulder, coughing against her ear.

When the fresh air of the street hit them, Ashlyn almost collapsed, frantically taking big mouthfuls of air and clearing her itchy eyes. However, instead of collapsing she ran to the nearest ambulance, with Ali on her back.

“Help!” Ashlyn went to the paramedics. “I'm Doctor Harris, this one's Doctor Krieger, we were rescuing people and she really needs oxygen.”

The paramedics held Ali and sat her on the edge of the ambulance's open back entry, putting an oxygen mask on her as she bent forward coughing. Ashlyn sat next to her, accepting more oxygen herself, and looked up. The fire seemed to be non-existent now, but there was a big load of smoke in the air. She turned to face Ali and rubbed her back.

“I'm sorry,” Ali said hoarsely once she could breathe. “I could've gotten us both killed.”

Ashlyn nodded, somewhat angry that Ali had risked their lives like that. But then again, if it wasn't for Ali, three people might have asphyxiated to death, so it was hard to stay anger.

“If there ever is a next time, I'm tying you to the car-seat,” Ashlyn decided to say instead of being angry, trying to be comical. “You're completely nuts.” But as she said it, she put her oxygen mask away and wrapped both arms around her, holding her tight. “Bat shit crazy...”

  
  


  
  



	26. Burns

**Chapter 26: Burns.**

By the time Ashlyn woke up, Ali was gone. She frowned at it, checking in her watch that it wasn't late, and supposed that she had been paged early. Still, Ashlyn texted her to make sure she was good. She had heard Ali coughing for a good portion of the night, having apparently breathed in more smoke that Ashlyn, who was already feeling fine, and now she was worried about her, so she got ready as fast as she could, and headed to the hospital in a taxi for extra speed.

Once there, she changed in record time, and walked outside the lockers.

“Has anyone seen Ali?” she asked as she saw their group of friends having coffee while staring at the surgery board near the theatres.

“There,” Nick pointed to the board. One of the theatres was busy with an emergency surgery, and Ali was listed as the lead surgeon. The surgery had begun at nearly five in the morning. “You smell... smokey. New perfume?”

“No,” Ashlyn stole his coffee and gave it a sip. “There was a fire last night in an apartment building near ours. So instead of date night, Ali and I were working, and she shouldn't be here. She went full soldier, stormed into the bloody building on fire, could've gotten us all killed.”

“Wait, what?” Whitney frowned, coming closer to hear.

“Yes. I'm pretty sure she's got burns in her lungs, but she wouldn't let me take her to the hospital. Couldn't wait for the firefighters, and she's been coughing all night, she's barely slept, and she had a forty-eight hour shift yesterday. She should be home sleeping.”

“Well you seem fine and you were with her, why should she be worse?” Abby inquired, calmly staring at the board.

“We were covering our airways with our jackets, and mine was thicker. She's a Northerner, she hardly ever wears thick jackets. So I guess mine protected me better. Anyway, I'm going to see Finn and then I'll get Ali out of surgery, I'll find a substitute.”

“No you won't,” Abby gave her a soft, stern look. “I saw her earlier, she was fine, you can't pull her out of the theatre in the middle of an emergency surgery. She'll be out in an hour tops.”

Ashlyn puffed but nodded, and marched to daycare. To her surprise, an hour later, when she was sitting on the rug at daycare with Finlay sitting up against her belly playing with a toy truck, Ali appeared.

“Hi,” Ali said, sitting with them and kissing them on the cheek. She looked tired, “just got out of surgery and I wanted to see the little man before going for a nap. Have time to join me?”

“I've got consults to do,” Ashlyn replied, caressing her son's growing blonde hair. She had also been bleach blonde as a baby. “How are your lungs?”

“They burn before, but it's better now. Yours?”

“Fine, it seems you inhaled more,” Ashlyn sighed. “You should've stayed home, sleeping. You look exhausted.”

“I was paged, I'm a surgeon, I can't bail. Besides, I'm fine. One nap and I'll be a new person,” Ashlyn bit her tongue and said nothing, choosing instead to focus on Finlay. But Ali caught her energy. “Are you pissed at me or something?”

“Something,” Ashlyn replied.

“Why? I've done nothing wrong.”

“What happened last night? It cannot happen ever again,” Ashlyn blurted out. Ali frowned, confused.

“Ashlyn, I am a trauma surgeon and an army veteran. I am one of the people the hospital sends in ambulances when a huge emergency happens in the city, such as terrorism, or big crashes. I am expected to do whatever it takes to save a life in the course of an emergency with our without help, I—,”

“I understand your job, and my job. But there was no need, Ali. The firefighters were three floors below us. Three. And with masks and proper lights, advancing quickly and surely, they would've gotten to the people we rescued, people that still had windows home to seek oxygen from until they—,”

“Are you seriously telling me we should've abandoned children? For real?” Ali's eyes were wide in disbelief.

“All I'm saying is firefighter paramedics are the ones expected to do what we did! You, and sometimes myself, are expected to wait in the ambulances and treat the people they bring to us, not you. You're not in the army anymore, you're a civilian, and police and firefighters are constantly telling civilians not to endanger their necks trying to be a hero because it hinders their task, and you went in and did it anyway, even when I explicitly asked you not to! And I had to pick you up because you wouldn't even realize your body was having enough and go!” she tried to hiss instead of yell to avoid bothering the children, and Ali stared with a scowl. “Ten minutes more and instead of just rescuing three people, the firefighters would've had to go for one, or even two more, and then what? Not so helpful anymore, isn't it? And then doing me dirty pulling rank and shouting orders at me like who did you think you were, Batman?”

“I...” Ali's mouth closed and opened several times like a fish, shaking her head as she struggled to find words. “I think the firefighters wouldn't have arrived on time. I think three people would be dead by now, two of them minors. I think it's likely no one would've heard the deaf-mute woman, and that if I hadn't pulled rank, you would've abandoned two minors to find the firefighters in the dark on their own, to follow me. You don't get to tell me what to do, I am a free woman, and I told you to stay, I never told you to come with me—,”

“You can't put me between the sword and the wall! You can't force me to choose between making sure my son doesn't have to grow up without both of his parents, or abandoning you to your luck! Not when I care so much about you, not after all the people I've lost, have you got any fucking idea how anguished I was thinking I could lose you?!”

Ashlyn glared at her with a hint of despair and anguish, and Ali stared back at her feeling trapped, and like no matter what she said, it wouldn't be the right thing, so she might as well be honest.

“I didn't think I had to parent you, Ashlyn,” Ali said, making Ashlyn's eyebrows raise in disbelief. “No, you were supposed to be the badass adult woman I didn't have to constantly worry about unless you were sick or injured. You're the one who, eight months after becoming a widow and a single mother, is dating someone else, just weeks after losing your brother and nearly getting murdered you're back at work, I see you as someone with the toughness to keep going no matter what happens to me. And last night? I don't regret a thing. I'll never fully be a civilian, I've got training on what to do in explosions or fires, I'm supposed to use it thorough my life and serve my country, even when it means leaving my loved ones behind, because we made an oath to devote our lives to others in spite of our personal circumstances. And you have to be the one capable of putting your son first no matter what, because guess what? The world is scary. Life is scary. And I can't spend mine trying to make sure you're not anguished, worrying you'll get sick with stress, worry and anguish if I don't answer my phone for too many hours, or have to go into an emergency... because if I have to think of you suffering for me every time I have an emergency? I won't be able to work anymore. I won't be able to be a trauma surgeon anymore, and it's the very essence of me. And if you want to be with me, you have to take charge of yourself and don't make me feel guilty and anxious about you so much I can't do my job, instead, you should make me feel like it's okay for me to do what it takes to save a life—,”

“Don't you fucking—,”

“—because you will go on without me if you have to. You can't cut off my wings to fly. Not when I have to go out there with a clear mind so I can come back and not die trying.” Ali's pager went off right then and she grabbed it. “I've got to go. Seems like a big emergency. We'll talk home.”

“We've said all we needed to say, go,” Ashlyn murmured simply, looking down at her kid. Ali sighed in exasperation, but had to run.

Hours later, Ashlyn was coming out of the library, where she had been doing some research. She had been thinking about things a lot and she had come to the conclusion that she had to break-up with Ali. Not out of being pissed, she wasn't anymore, and she didn't blame her anymore. But she had realized they were both right. Ali needed someone who wouldn't be on the edge of a panic attack every time she had an emergency situation that required for her to risk her life, which was engraved in her personality to do. She'd continue to endanger herself for others, rescuing people from rivers if necessary, didn't matter if she was at work or not. And Ashlyn's past meant she could not, at least for the time being, over-worry and kill herself with anguish if she had to stay back and see her partner be like that, and motherhood meant she couldn't follow, as she would've done before motherhood.

And as much as Ashlyn cared for Ali and felt she might be starting to fall in love with her, she needed someone who gave her peace of mind and heart. Someone like a nurse, who was unlikely to be at risk, who wasn't as full of heroisms as Ali, who didn't take as many risks that easily, who wasn't so driven to do whatever, even get killed, if it meant saving someone else. Someone more cautious, prudent, even somewhat cowardly. Someone who'd be safe and not make Ashlyn's anxiety and need to over-protect shoot through the roof. They were just almost perfect for each other, but Ashlyn knew if this was how their traumas and baggage had them be at least for the foreseeable future, they would drive each other crazy. Ashlyn would make Ali feel trapped, tied and no longer owner of herself, and Ali would make Ashlyn feel anguished, stressed, anxious and powerless, all the time. Because let's face it, in London, big emergencies happened every day.

However, the knowledge that they weren't so perfect for each other and couldn't stay together if they didn't want to hurt each other, made Ashlyn feel like being stabbed. She really cared about Ali, was falling for her, wanted so badly to ignore the issue and just be with her... but she had to do this. For Ali, for herself and, most importantly, for Finlay, who couldn't afford a daring, fearless, superwoman as a second parent, not one he could so easily lost too.

“What's going on?” Ashlyn asked her friends as she sadly made her way to the cafeteria and saw them, along with most of the medical staff, crowded around the wall TV.

“Stabbings, they say it could be terrorism,” Whitney told her, looking anxious. “Over a hundred people injured in London Bridge area. Half of our Trauma Department went there, didn't Ali go?”

“Oh,” there it was, her heart drumming out of control in anxiety again, the breathlessness, the feeling of dread for another death... “Yes,” Ashlyn looked up at the TV, that showed images of blood and chaos. “She went hours ago though.”

“Yes, where were you? Trauma has been full, the theatres full with the wounded, for hours,” Whitney told her. “I just came out of one.”

“Really? I was in the library, and since I'm on recovery and only get paged for consults... I didn't hear a thing,” Ashlyn frowned. “So chaos is over? All of our people are back? Ali's back?”

“I just left her to go sleep in the on-call room by daycare,” Abby appeared all of the sudden, looking stressed. “Was just operating with her.”

Ashlyn didn't think twice and ran to it, taking the stairs two at a time. However, as she reached the door, she stopped herself to rethink and recover her breath. If she stormed in full of worry, it'd only hurt Ali. It'd be one more time she had to feel bad Ashlyn got worried sick because she was doing her job. She knew Ali felt guilty, knowing all she'd suffered, to put her through more suffering. So, she turned around, walked to the nearest vending machines, and got a sandwich and some tea before returning to the on-call room and slowly walking inside.

It was dark and, as she suspected, Ali had been too drained to lock the door or even tuck herself. She was snoring peacefully, softly, slumped face down on the lower bed of a bunk bed. Ashlyn left the stuff she had brought on the auxiliary table by the bed, locked the door, and sat on the lower bed of the only other bunk bed in the room, in front of Ali, staring at her. After a moment of hesitation, she decided to slowly approach her, bending forward to rub her shoulder. As she expected, Ali woke up a little startled.

“What? Who...?”

“Easy, it's just me. I can take a nap now so, scoot over.”

“Ah... sure.”

Ali moved against the wall and quickly was snoring again, and Ashlyn moved behind her, putting a hand on her waist and kissing her shoulder. It was the most painful thing to think that even though she wanted her and was wanted back, they were the wrong match.

She couldn't really sleep. At first, she lied, eyes closed, in a state of slumber, and after a while, Ali rolled over against her chest, tucking her face below her chin before falling asleep holding onto her shirt, and then she was wide awake, stroking Ali's long, dark mane until her pager beeped, an hour later, and she gently moved away. Ali tried to grab her in her sleep, but she soothed her with her voice, grabbed her coat and pager, and left Ali, with the food and drink she had brought her.

  
  



	27. Peel it back

**Chapter 27: Peel it back.**

When Ashlyn arrived at the flat, she found Ali cooking late dinner with Finlay sitting against her hip. Ashlyn had received a text from Ali between consults asking if it was all right to take Finlay home for her, and she had agreed. Now, Ali had a messy bun and an old sweatshirt from her university on, and she looked absolutely stunning and sexy in Ashlyn's eyes.

“Look who's home!” Ali grinned at her. “Hey, see? He's pretty much sitting straight on his own, look at that neck strength.”

“I see,” Ashlyn smiled, picking him up and kissing his cheek. “Hello Finney, did you have a good day in daycare? Did you miss Mama?” she kissed him again and hugged him close, not missing the way in which Ali looked at her so sweetly. “So I see you were helping Auntie Ali with dinner, weren't you?”

“Mama da,” Finlay pointed at the pan Ali was cooking with and Ashlyn smiled.

“What's that?” he looked confused at her, and put his fist in his mouth, leaning against Ashlyn's shoulder ready to close his eyes. “Thank you for taking care of him. You're his favourite Auntie in the world, you know?”

“I try my best, change more nappies than any of the others for sure,” Ali joked, chuckling. “So now do I get a kiss or what?”

Ashlyn tried not to feel guilty as she moved to peck her lips.

“I heard about the emergency today, apparently terrorism has been confirmed by now. You good?” she did her best to sound casual, so Ali wouldn't think she was stressing once more.

“As good as I can be knowing we had terrorism once more. The jabs were... terrible. Pretty bloody. And quite the number of losses.”

“Yeah, politics suck,” Ashlyn grabbed one of the chips Ali was cooking and gave it a bite. “This one had dinner already?”

“I gave him a baby bottle and some baby food. Thanks about the sandwich, by the way. I was so sleepy I had my doubts you had been there for a moment, but the sheets still smelled of you,” Ali smiled warmly at her and Ashlyn tried her best to smile back, which was getting harder by the minute as she knew she had to break-up and didn't know how. They lived together. It wasn't like she could rip the bandage, walk away and go home.

“Yeah, sorry, I was paged.”

“Are you okay?” Ali frowned, noticing her stiffness.

“I'm fine,” Ashlyn nodded. “I'll put the baby to sleep and join you for dinner, that smells wonderful, thanks!”

“Right...” Ali had a bad feeling, but shrugged it off and focused on the cooking.

Finlay was heavily asleep in seconds in his crib, so Ashlyn kissed him goodnight, made sure he was cosy enough, and walked back to Ali, who was setting the table for two and filling their plates.

“Thanks,” she sat down and poured herself a glass of wine, hoping she could focus on eating as an excuse to avoid small talk. But Ali was a trauma surgeon and as such, she had a sixth sense to know when something was wrong.

“I thought we were done fighting,” Ali said nonchalant as she sat down. Ashlyn looked up at her and saw the pleading look in her eyes, decorated with a tiny frown.

“We're not fighting.”

“No, but you're pissed. Come on, don't lie to my face, you're... wait,” Ali had a sudden thought. “I'm sorry, are you struggling about Chris or something? Is that it, you're sad?”

“I...” Ashlyn sighed. “Sweetie, if you get me to think of them surely I'll get sad, but no. It's just... I'm not angry, we're good...”

“And there's a but, isn't it?”

Ashlyn gave in, sighing and nodding.

“I'm worried about us.”

“Worried? Why? Is it about what we fought about before?” Ali inquired, not touching her dinner.

“Yes and no. It's just that, you matter to me, so much. I care about you, and Finn does too. You're my flatmate, you're one of my best friends, before a girlfriend, and I adore you, okay? I don't know anything about you that I dislike.”

Ali looked intrigued.

“Well good, because I feel the same way. And I love that little man, you know it.”

“I know, I see how you look at him,” Ashlyn smiled sadly. “Look, our parents are divorced. We know perfectly well some people may love each other deeply, may be the best of friends, but may still not be made to be together, as sad as it is.”

“Why are we talking about our parents' divorces now? We're not... we haven't discussed marriage, quite soon for that.”

“It is. But I am a single mother. So whoever I date, even if it's just dating, even if it were the most meaningless hook-up, I have to constantly be thinking of what it means to Finlay. It is on me to decide whether he gets to grow up constantly getting attached to people I make part of our lives as some sort of second mother, only to see them vanish time after time if I don't manage to find the right person, or he gets to have a second parent once more, someone who can be family with us, someone who'll stay and who I don't know, maybe I'll remarry. Or not. But I dream to be able to give him more, a part of what he's lost, someone aside from me to call parent, family, to go to whenever he needs someone, another constant presence in his life to count on, someone I can share my life and parenting duties with. So I don't want to even bother to date anyone who I'm not sure it's going to be a good fit for him, because he'll get attached and then he'll be the first one to suffer losing someone once more, and he's had enough of that. And perhaps he won't have an exact memory of the person, but I'm sure he'll always have some memory of the feeling. He spent months crying for Meredith, you know? And no matter what I, or anyone else did, he'd cry for days. I'm a paediatrician, and I wasn't able to change it either. That affects a child's development and personality.”

“Are you saying you don't think I'm a good fit for him? For a future with you both, if it comes to it?” Ali's frown turned into a full scowl. “Because I change nappies, I feed him, I read him stories, I play with him, I care for him and look after him, I'm the only one who can get him to eat medicine in the first attempt—,”

“I know. I know you're a favourite to us both. I know you'd be wonderful for him, if we got a future together. I'd want that, at least as far as I can know now,” Ashlyn bit her lip. “I'm not saying there's anything wrong with you, or less great.”

“Then what the hell are you saying Ashlyn? Because I took a nap, but I'm too worn out for so much walking around the bush.”

“What I'm saying is that I never really realized what meant for you to be a veteran, a trauma surgeon. When you told me today, when we were fighting? I realized you were right. But I believe I was also right. And I believe it means that we just... you're always going to be the person who risks it all if it means saving a life. I love that about you. I love how selfless and determined you are, and how much of a hero you can be, and I love that you didn't hesitate a second to run into a building in flames to help. And if I had never had Meredith and Finlay, I'd totally dig it, I'd be totally swoon by that much heroism. Dating Wonder-woman? Dream come true.”

“ _If_? So now you don't dig it?” Ali looked baffled.

“Part of me does. A big part of me wants to just follow your lead and be a hero, I do. Before Meredith and Finlay, that was who I was. It's what I'd do. But Ali... now I have to think as a mother, and as a sudden only child. I don't want for my parents to have to lose both of their kids because I got myself killed trying to be a hero, and I don't want Finlay to lose me and have to grow up thinking that I saw saving some stranger worth not being there for him anymore. The sole thought of that happening? It makes me want to vomit, Ali, even more since the fucking attack. I can't pretend Finlay didn't almost lose me, and I can't forget the look in my family's eyes when they thought I'd die any moment. I refuse to have them go through anything alike that or worse once more just because I wanted to be a hero. Meredith left me to be Finlay's hero, Finlay's everything, Finlay's mother and lifesaver and whatever he needs me to be and last July when I held him for the first time, that became my priority. Not a stranger's life. His. So I'm done endangering myself, not even to save someone else, I don't care about my duty as a doctor, or my oaths as a doctor. If I have to choose between a stranger's innocent newborn and Finlay, I'll choose him, time and time again, and not just because he's my son, but also because he's the love of my life's son and I swore to her he'd always have me and I'd be there for the both of us. That's the one oath I care most about.”

“That's... Ashlyn, I wouldn't expect any less,” Ali looked at her, utterly confused. “Baby, I'm sorry, I never meant for you to endanger your life.”

“I know. You told me not to go.”

“I did. Because I get it. And because I want the same. I want for you to always come home to Finlay. Always.”

“Problem is... Last night, saving those kids? I realized I couldn't let you go alone. I physically couldn't. Every time I think of losing you because you wanted to be a hero, or because of any other reason, my stomach goes up to my throat and I'm dying of anxiety and anguish, and I cannot live my life like that, Ali. I cannot keep dating you if I'm going to be feeling like that more often than not. And I cannot ask you to change, I like you for you, as you come, even if it drives me to drinks. I know it's my problem. And I hope one day I'll be able to go back to being someone who doesn't get so anxious and worried so easily, who isn't controlled by anguish, but I know it's going to take me a long, long time, possibly years of therapy to achieve anything similar to that because for two years all I knew was anguish, worry, stress and anxiety as I saw the love of my life die on me. Every day worrying about her and then about my family here sinking without me and feeling so powerless and so much like I couldn't fucking be two places at once and my heart was split in two trying to do it, only to still see my worries come true first losing her and now Christopher, tomorrow my grandmother, and who knows, maybe the next my own mother. I'm not allowed to stop worrying and the last thing I need is to date someone who's constantly going to have me worrying, even when I know you don't mean to.”

“Ashlyn,” Ali puffed and got up, pulling Ashlyn's child back so she could sit on her lap, straddling her and cupping her face. “I know. I'm sorry... I know you've been through a lot, I get it. I worry too, you know? All the time. Kyle with his addiction, you, Finlay... I understand. It's normal. It happens, even more when we know how easy it is to die, as surgeons. So you want to break-up. You'd rather date someone who's more laid back, who's not going to keep you on your toes. Like, a nurse. I get it. I hate it, but I get it. It'll be better for you.” Ali supported her forehead on Ashlyn's, softly caressing her cheek.

“I don't want to, but every time I think of what would be best for Finlay... I don't want him to start calling you Mum and then have to tell him one day his Mum is dead. And I know chances are that'll never happen, because it's worst case scenario and you're very capable, but I'm still going to spend my days scared like hell, and he probably will, too. And maybe if he calls Mum someone who is, I don't know, a pharmacist or a veterinarian... maybe we'll be somewhat less anguished all the time.”

Ali nodded, and they both felt all the sadness when they kissed softly.

“I'll pick-up my stuff tomorrow,” said Ali.

“No, come on. This is your home, and we're great flatmates. And you're Finlay's Auntie.”

“I'm not sure that's a good idea, Ash.”

“We hardly even see each other home. We're best friends. You are staying.”

Ali smiled sadly and nodded, getting up.

“I'm going on a walk, don't wait up.”

“Aren't you going to eat some?” Ashlyn turned to see her already grabbing her coat.

“No, it's fine. I need some air.”

“Ali...”

“Try not to worry. Goodnight.” Ali gave her one last small smile, her eyes already teary, and left.

Ashlyn looked back at her food, no longer hungry either, and resigned to pack the food in Tupperware in the fridge and go to bed. That night, she cried herself to sleep.

  
  



	28. When the sun comes

**Chapter 28: When the sun comes.**

As June came around, humidity reached dramatic levels, Global Warming caused temperatures to rise scarily, and the combination meant they were sweaty and hot most of the time, always thankful to find the coldest corridors of the hospital, or to spend hours in the fresh theatre rooms. Ashlyn and Ali slowly but surely became friends again, focusing on their research so they could one day figure out what had happened to Ashlyn's late wife, Finlay learned to drag himself around and crawl and started learning some words, growing at a speed far too alarming for his mother and auntie, and normalcy seemed to return to their lives, making Ashlyn feel more relaxed than she had in a long time.

That was, until she received a court notice during lunch as she sat with her friends in the hospital cafeteria.

“We got a date,” Ashlyn informed her friends, reading the letter. She had been waiting for the Crown Court to decide on a date to start a trial against Mallory Pugh for assault and Grievous Bodily Harm. “The nineteenth.”

“But that's only in two weeks,” Pinoe frowned, looking at her over her sandwich.

“I wish it was even sooner. I just want to bury this and forget it,” Ashlyn said, shoving the folded letter into her inside coat pocket. “My lawyer has everything ready, anyway. She's working with the hospital's legal team, as it happened in our place of work, she's been ready for weeks.”

“I'm prepared to grant a day off to any of you if you want to be there to support her,” Abby commented sitting with her meal. “I'll be there.”

“Thanks Abster,” Ashlyn smiled at her. Over Abby's head, she saw Emily Taylor, the daughter of Owen Taylor, owner of the pub all the hospital people usually went to.

Ashlyn had let her friends convince her to go there one night Finlay was with his cousins, and she had invited Emily to join them, She had known her for years, since she first came into the hospital and Emily, a couple years younger, was working at _Owen's_ after school to make some extra money in tips, but they had never really gotten to be close. However, after that night of drinking and chatting, they hit it off, having had a really good time and fun, and the next day, to Ashlyn's surprise, Emily came into the hospital and asked her out. It had been two weeks since, and they were exclusive now, getting serious. Ashlyn felt she might be a perfect fit for her.

Giving it a try had definitely been a great idea, though hard one, and now she was quite content. They were taking it slow, Emily knew Ashlyn was still dealing with a lot, but they had gone on a dozen dates that usually lead to mind-blowing sex after hours of passionate conversation over some nice meal, and they just had so much fun, so all seemed worth it.

Emily was currently at the cafeteria counter, requesting a couple coffees, and Ashlyn shamelessly ogled her fine arse, smiling when Emily turned and caught her, coming closer. Emily sometimes came by when she knew Ashlyn would usually take a break to eat, just to say hi and have five minutes together, as they both worked long hours.

Abby turned and followed her eyes.

“So, getting serious, aren't you?”

“I like her, she likes me, and she knows Finlay and likes him, and we've known each-other for years, which is nice. So wherever it goes, I'm just going with the flow,” Ashlyn checked briefly that Ali, sitting nearby, wasn't looking uncomfortable. She didn't like to rub her relationship on her, even when she knew Ali was sleeping with other men and women informally. Their break-up had been hard enough, as they never stopped wanting each other.

Emily arrived with her smile taken out of a dentistry advert, her bright blue eyes framed by long eyelashes, and her long, wavy strawberry blonde hair. She was beautiful and smart, Ashlyn's absolute type, and she was such a sunshine Ali, who had tried to dislike her actively, hadn't been able to do so.

“Hello everyone,” she saluted cheerfully. “Hi baby.” She leaned to kiss Ashlyn, handing her one of the coffees she had bought.

“Hi,” Ashlyn chuckled at her, “thank you, want to sit with us?”

“Sure? I don't want to intrude.”

“Please, join us,” Whitney, who adored her but resented Ashlyn breaking up with Ali, grinned at her, moving to another seat to let her sit next to Ashlyn. She wanted for her friend to be happy, after all, and Emily could be the one. “Ashlyn was just telling us she got a court date.”

“The nineteenth,” Ashlyn said as Emily looked quizzically at her.

“Awesome, I can take the day off and go with you.”

“You don't have to...”

“You've got to get up in front of an intimidating crowd of strangers with serious faces and explain how your co-worker tried to kill you,” Emily said softly. “I want to support you.”

“I appreciate it,” Ashlyn kissed her cheek. “Thanks.”

“Although, what are you going to do with Finlay? Is Ali babysitting?” she looked up at Ali. It was incredible how well she had taken the fact that her girlfriend's ex still lived with her.

“I'd love to, but I'm called to declare too,” Ali explained. “As I was Ashlyn's leading surgeon. I have to translate the medical papers from doctor slang to English for the judge and the jury.”

“My cousin Corey insists on coming too, but his wife offered to babysit Finlay,” Ashlyn explained.

“It's nice of him to tag along. Will your parents come too?” Emily asked her with curiosity, but Ashlyn snorted a laugh and shook her head.

“Em, this isn't a Christmas family reunion, it's a trial. I really don't need everyone to be there,” Ashlyn reassured her. “Besides, I think it's better my parents don't have to hear the details of that day. I want it to be quick and as ordinary day as possible. I'm just going to dust off my wedding shoes, iron my best suit, and mentally prepare as best as I can. It'll be fine, he's going down.”

“Of course he is,” Nick side-smiled, “and then, since you have a sitter for Finlay, we should go to _Owen's_ and get wasted, like when we were kids! It was Molly's idea so she's getting a nanny and joining us.”

“My dads would love to celebrate with us, first round of tequila is free,” Emily beamed at her and Ashlyn knew she couldn't say no.

“All right, we'll do that. But not until the wee hours, I don't want Brittany to be alone with three kids all night.”

“Don't worry about Brit, I'll head home and help her, you deserve a night out after that. Even if the judge calls for more sessions, celebrate the first one's over,” Corey reassured her. “And the next day you can have lunch at ours', so you won't have to worry about Finn until noon, time enough to sleep.”

“You're an angel, seriously, thank you. Fun is lacking lately,” Ashlyn admitted with a sigh.

“Hey, our research is fun!” Ali pointed out, indignant, and they laughed.

“Sure,” Ashlyn nodded. “But, Ali, have you tasted Owen's own made tequila? It's like, out of this world.”

“And Daddy is just waiting for a delivery of those Spanish olives you love, so...” Emily was referring to her other father, Martin, and Ashlyn made a pleasurable sound in delight.

“Okay, before you made me run to the pub, I'm going to go and check on a preemie I just guided into the world last night, before some Junior fucks it,” Ashlyn had finished her meal and grinned at Emily, putting one big hand on her jaw and kissing her softly. “See you tonight?”

“You'll find me serving drinks,” Emily nodded, kissing her back and smiled. “Go kick some arse.”

“Awesome. See you around guys.”

Ashlyn marched away with the remains of her coffee and Emily sipped from hers with a content expression.

“You're so whipped,” Pinoe teased her jokingly, and Emily giggled.

“She's one of the good ones, I'm just enjoying my luck while I have it. Anyway guys, I should be heading back to the pub, feel free to come for a drink any time! Oh, and don't kill anyone,” Emily winked at them, getting up, and Tobin raised her drink to her.

“Don't let anyone treat you shitty!” Heather shouted back as Emily left. She knew she had been heard when Emily lifted a thumb's up.

Ashlyn and Ali met again an hour later in the lab where they were doing tests and analysis using their own blood to check in the microscope a few theories they had in mind. Ali's eye was against the microscope, and Ashlyn sat on the other side of the small room, with her face between books, trying to resolve the latest mishap of their intricate investigation.

“It's a shame Mer didn't donate her body for science,” Ali murmured, putting on her lab gloves as she manipulated things. “It would've helped make sure what happened to her never happened again.”

Ashlyn frowned, looking at her for a moment over her book, before turning back to the pages with microscopic type size.

“It was my decision,” Ashlyn murmured then. “Not to donate.”

“Oh, sorry,” Ali looked up at her. “Yeah, you had enough on your shoulders to think of that.”

“I did think of it. It's only that...” the younger doctor sighed. “I saw her suffer for years. Being cut and prodded, being an object of fascination to doctors of all around the world... I didn't want for her to be cut in pieces too. I wanted for her to finally rest in peace. And since her organs were too fucked for UNOS to accept anyway... I just let her rest.”

Even though she knew Ashlyn wasn't looking at her, Ali nodded. She bit her lip thoughtfully staring at her and took off her gloves, walking over to Ashlyn and putting a hand on her shoulder, so the other doctor looked up at her.

“We're going to find out a way to destroy the monster that killed her,” Ali assured her. “And then no one else will lose their Mum because of this.” Ashlyn nodded, staring at her.

“I know. And I think I might have just found the answer we were looking for.”

“Have you?!”

“I think whatever this was, it provoked a reorganization of her DNA chain,” Ashlyn said, pointing out to a paragraph in her book that Ali leaned to see. “Every time a new chemical from the medicine entered her body, it could've changed the DNA chain to make her reject the medicine, making her sicker and the disease, stronger. It makes sense, right?”

Ali's eyes focused on the page quickly. It was an old medical book about DNA and the way diseases can originate from alterations in it. They had for a while been wondering how it was possible that Meredith's symptoms changed so rapidly and suddenly, in such a smart way.

“But Ashlyn, no...” Ali shook her head in horror and looked at her in such anguished way Ashlyn scowled. “You didn't understand it right. This kind of reorganization, at this speed, with such a smart way... you know how many times we've asked ourselves how was it such a smart disease? How it seemed like it was made to recognize medicines and feed itself with them, always being one step ahead?”

“Yeah...”

“That's because for this to happen like it happened, and it's truly the only logical explanation we've found, it cannot happen naturally. Ashlyn... this book is talking about biological weapons.”

“Wait what?” Ashlyn came close again, leaning over the book.

“You're right, your theory, it'd explain everything we've seen all these months,” Ali nodded, and then pointed at a paragraph Ashlyn hadn't gotten to just yet. “Read here. ' _This type of genetic reorganization hasn't been found in a natural way, but has been widely employed in the creation of biological warfare._ '

“But it can't be. How, why would anyone attack Meredith with a biological weapon? She was just a doctor!”

“All right,” Ali nodded. “Listen, we can't... let's just forget it for now, okay? Let's do everything we can to check any other alternative, keep doing trials with our blood until we nail it, let's not believe this is biological warfare until we absolutely have to. Until there's absolutely no other option. All right?”

Ashlyn nodded.

“All right.”

But it was hard to take the idea from her mind. At the time she had gotten sick, Meredith had been a newly-appointed consultant, and she had been trying to get herself published, but as far as Ashlyn had known, it didn't involve anything remotely dangerous. Was it possible that she had pissed the wrong powerful people? She had always been great at that, a little insubordinated.

So she found herself leaving Finlay in daycare for a little while after her last surgery of the day. She made her way to Owen's, feeling herself more full of questions than ever, and found Emily cleaning the bar with a cloth. She sat on a stool, looking serious.

“Hey! Are you okay?” Emily caressed her cheek, concerned.

“My wife died from an unknown disease that spread faster than a tumour, that was invisible and unresponsive to treatments, that seemed to have a brain on its own, always be a step ahead of us, and use whatever we gave Meredith to make itself stronger and her weaker,” Ashlyn blurted out. “And now I'm afraid that bastard was so smart because it was born in a lab.”

Emily frowned lightly, her brain's wheels turning as she processed the information, and when she realized the implications of what she had just said, her face paled.

“Get up, we're picking Finlay up and going to my place. I'm going to pour us a drink and you're going to tell me everything.”

  
  



	29. Last judgement

**Chapter 29: Last Judgement.**

For the next few weeks, Ashlyn hardly ever left the hospital. She went to Meredith's and the hospital's records, and pulled out every case Meredith had been on during the final six months before she first started being sick, trying to find out if there was any chance any patient could've made her sick. Ali helped her, but at the same time she found the habit unhealthy, and tried to discourage Ashlyn from continuing it every now and then, starting to feel they had gone to places that were better off uncovered.

This meant that when the trial day came, it caught them almost by surprise. Reluctantly, they left the hospital, and focused on preparing for the day. When they left their bedrooms, Ashlyn was wearing a dark blue suit with black shiny shoes and a maroon tie, her face looking grim despite her impeccable looks, and Ali had a knee-long black dress with a dark grey suit jacket and vest, heels, and a serious expression, both with thick buns and soft make-up.

“We cannot make conjectures,” Ali told her.

“What if—,”

“Don't even say it.”

Ashlyn took a deep breath, but said it anyway.

“What if she got the disease in the hospital? What if Sermanni has known, for two and a half years, and hid it from me?”

“No,” Ali shook her head and walked to her, adjusting her tie. “Meredith didn't become sick because of something the hospital did wrong. She didn't get a biological weapon. There is another explanation, it's just that we haven't found it yet.”

“Ali, we've been investigating for nearly six months. We practically live in the hospital. We've read everything there is to read on biological engineering, DNA, unknown diseases—,”

“I know. I know if we haven't found a better explanation it's likely there isn't one. But Ashlyn, we have to believe, we have to, because today, you and I need to put our concentration somewhere else.”

Whichever stiffness and weirdness they might've shown, their friends and colleagues blamed it on the stressful day ahead. The Crown Court only dealt with the biggest offences, and after Ashlyn's lawyer had gone to the Magistrates' Court saying that her client had suffered GBH from a colleague, it had pretty much been sealed deal that they would bring it up to the Crown Court at the Old Bailey's jaw-dropping building.

There would be a black-gowned judge, a jury, wooden seats and tables with green cushioning, people wearing ridiculous traditional wigs, and Ashlyn would feel like a criminal, sitting with her lawyer, too far from her friends, feeling like she had something to prove, as if she was the one who had committed a crime. And of course, close to her sat Mallory Pugh, looking the most elegant Ashlyn had ever seen him, despite the months he had spent in remand.

The jury opened with the prosecution's opening speech, so Ashlyn's lawyer stood up and gave a brilliant speech about how a hard-working mother and paediatrician had been unfairly assaulted by a colleague and almost murdered in what had constituted Grievous Bodily Harm, with the aggravation that an unborn child had been murdered and the attacker had been a nurse, a man supposed to heal, not to harm, the father of the unborn baby, and a man the victim trusted.

Next, Pugh's lawyer stood up and spent fifteen minutes trying to convince the jury that there was no concrete, firm evidence that his client had harmed the victim, but there was plenty of evidence that if it wasn't because he ran to get help from people with more medical knowledge than him, Ashlyn would be dead. So now, it was some sort of hero they should be thanking, not imprisoning.

And then, it was time for the prosecution to prove their case, and Ashlyn's lawyer called for Ali to explain the extent of Ashlyn's injuries from the witness box. Ashlyn observed her friend while, with the most serious face and impeccable language, she explained without use of complex medical terms everything that had happened to her patient and her patient's unborn child, how she had led the surgery, and how she and Dr Sauerbrunn had been surprised by the extent of the injuries, concluding that none of them had ever seen someone young, fit and healthy, fall through a short stairwell and end up almost dead on the table, which had made them agree it hadn't been an accident. Dr Sauerbrunn was also called to support her version and explain the extent of Ashlyn's brain injury, and the whole time, Ashlyn tried to ignore what they were actually saying. She always felt self-conscious hearing the grotesque details, as well as disgusted.

A police officer was also called to talk about her interview to Pugh and what he had testified at the time, and how he had seemed, then the security guard who explained what the security cameras saw, and then the colleagues that hard heard shouting through the stairwell doors and could quote some of the stuff Ashlyn and Pugh had shouted at each other just minutes before the accident. Each witness was first questioned by Ashlyn's lawyer and then by the defence, until it came Ashlyn's turn.

She explained everything to her lawyer, and then Pugh's lawyer came and she straightened in her seat, stiffening.

“Dr Harris, you just told us how my client and you were supposedly fighting trying to come to a decision about the child you were bearing, and that next thing you knew you were waking up on a hospital bed, but I've got here the statement you gave the police that day. You said that you didn't remember exactly what had been said, that you thought you had told him about the baby, but that you couldn't be sure what was said. And Doctor Sauerbrunn just told us in the bad shape your brain has been and how you had amnesia, so what do you think we should believe from you?”

Ashlyn clenched her jaw for a moment, her fists clenching on her knees, hidden from the others by the witness' box.

“When DI Perkins interviewed me, I had only just woken up after three days practically in coma, with my brain twice its size. My memory wasn't so good then, but ever since, I've had months of rehabilitation, physiotherapy and therapy to clear my thoughts, I've recovered some memories from that day, and I've gotten to clear-out and acquire a better understanding of those I already had. And if you think I'm lying, you can ask Dr Sauerbrunn if what I say makes sense,” Ashlyn stated firmly. “I'm absolutely sure I found Mr Pugh in the neurosurgery department, I've got witnesses of this, I've got evidence that we were talking and went together into the stairwell minutes before the attack even though your client's police statement says he never talked to me, never saw me, and just found me there casually. I've got evidence your client is a liar whose word isn't worth a penny, and I've got plenty of evidence I haven't said a single lie here. Your client and I fought about the baby, I can't quote what was said, but I remember it as if I had been underwater. I can hear the loud shouting, but can't make-out every word its said, and I can't see, but not so clearly. That's what I remember. We shouted at each other, I wanted the child and he didn't, and not five minutes later, I was found critically injured at the bottom of the same stairwell.”

“How do you know my client didn't want the baby?”

“I just told you, I remember us fighting because of it.”

“Do you? Could you swear he said that, on your son's life?”

“You—,” Ashlyn glared at him. “Don't you dare drag my innocent eleven-months baby into this. If you don't want to believe me, that's your problem, but I've got something else. Weeks before, when Pugh and I had sex, he wouldn't do it if I didn't confirm I'd take the pill. That confirms he didn't want a child, at least not with me. And I took it.”

“So you lied to him? You made it look like you didn't want the child then and later you did want it?”

“My Lord, I don't see how this has anything to do with proving his client's innocence, it looks more like the defence lawyer is trying to insult my client!” Ashlyn's lawyer defended.

“Agreed, Sir—,”

“My Lord, I'm only questioning Doctor Harris' credibility as a witness because most of the accusations against my client are based under what I mean to prove are false accusations from an untrustworthy victim,” Pugh's lawyer justified. “I'm giving Dr Harris a chance to prove we should believe anything she says.”

The judge frowned, but then nodded.

“Continue.”

“I didn't lie to him,” Ashlyn blurted out. “I didn't want a baby at the time. I didn't want a pregnancy. I had become a widow seven months earlier, I had a seven-months-old baby home, I was just moving back here from a time in New York. But when I found out I was pregnant, as Dr Krieger explained, I reconciled with the idea of having a child and embraced it, because the idea of giving it up for adoption or aborting it was too painful to even think of. I didn't lie, I made a decision not to worsen the amount of struggles I was dealing with.”

“Well then, if you are going to insist on the idea that my client, a respectable nurse, is some sort of son-murderer, dangerous, horrible person and a liar, perhaps I should inform the jury here present of the six months you spent, at sixteen-years-old, in Bronzefield Prison,” there was a collective gasp in the room and Ashlyn paled, “all because of a series of continued minor crimes, while my client doesn't have a criminal record. Now, let me ask you again, why should we believe you, instead of believing my client's version that you fell on your own and he ran to help you when he heard the commotion?”

“My Lord,” Ashlyn's lawyer began to protest, but Ashlyn shook her head.

“No, leave it,” she felt cold sweat down her back, impressed at the lawyer's coldness digging up her crap. “I'm not here to convince anybody to believe me. I'm here to state the evidence, and the evidence doesn't support your client's version, it supports mine. And if you want to dig up my crap, let's do it properly. I went to Bronzefield because a boy in my high school who was older than me and had been trying to have sex with me cornered me after school, and tried to rape me a gunpoint and possibly murder me, but I took his gun, that he had stolen from his uncle, and I killed him on self-defence,” Ashlyn glared at the lawyer in the eyes, feeling the temperature drop in the room. “And the series of continued crimes? I stole bread at ten years old in the school cafeteria because my family was struggling with poverty and I had nothing to eat in school and was hungry, I jumped over a wall into a forbidden area to rescue my football ball, that had been accidentally kicked beyond the wall, at twelve, and at fifteen, I was robbed on the street and when I tried to recover my bag, the guy made it look as if the robber was me and because he was older and I had this stupid record, police believed him. So yes, I wasn't an exemplar teenager, but I grew up, I never forgot killing that boy, and I never once broke the law after that, check your records, I didn't even steal candy. It haunted me my whole life and drove me into school, and now I save kids that boy's age every single day. So if you don't want to believe me, fine, don't. But I'll have you know the information you've just publicly given was, according to the British law, wiped from my record after five and a half years, so I've no idea how you got that information, but I'm going to sue you for it. Now, why should anyone trust _you_?”

“Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury,” the judge intervened. “I must confirm that Dr Harris' crimes occurred almost sixteen years ago, and therefore, it's destroyed from her record and shouldn't be accessible, so it's not an information we should have and I must ask you to please forget it and not have it in mind for your role today. As for why you have this information, Sir, I must ask.”

“Forgive me, My Lord,” the lawyer said with a stiff expression. “I know someone who was in the jury of that murder case and, as it had long been whipped from the records, they didn't think it was wrong to tell me, and I didn't think it was wrong either. But I do apologize, Dr Harris.”

“Right,” Ashlyn glared at him. “Anything else you want to ask?” she didn't want to look at her friends. Only those who had been her friends at that time, knew of what had happened, and without the level of detail she had just given. She knew Ali would never look at her the same, and she wouldn't be surprised if at the end of the day, she no longer had a girlfriend.

The man glared coldly at her, serious.

“No, thanks.” His client looked fiercely at him and then at her, angry, and Ashlyn returned to her seat, avoiding everyone's gazes.

After that, it wasn't surprising that, after only an hour of deliberation, which Ashlyn spent hidden from her friends talking with her lawyer, the jury found Pugh guilty and the judge sentenced him to fifteen years in prison. Since there were two counts on assault adding child destruction because the unborn baby also counted, the sentence ended up growing to seventy years in prison.

Ashlyn should've been euphoric; her people were. Instead, she found herself buzzing with rage. Her earlier worries about her wife's death, united to what had happened in the hours-long trial, together with her tiredness and the hurt of revisiting such painful memories, had her close to punching somebody. She hugged her lawyer a bit too hard as she bid farewell to her, and when she walked back towards her group of friends outside of court, fastening her scarf and closing her coat under the moonlight, her face was so rigid and serious her friends' smiles vanished right away.

  
  



	30. Punch me out of this

**Chapter 30: Punch me out of this.**

“Baby, you did it!” Emily ignored her rigidity and leaped onto her arms, kissing her cheek. “You sent the bastard away! He'll never touch you, Finlay or anyone else now, all because of you.”

Ashlyn frowned, looking down at her with a hint of surprise.

“Baby? Don't you want to leave me?”

“Why?” Emily looked confused.

“Well, I killed a seventeen-year-old boy,” Ashlyn said matter-of-fact. “Don't you think I'm a monster?”

“Why would anyone?” intervened Ali, to her surprise, looking softly at her. Ashlyn stared at her and her own face relaxed out of astonishment. “If it was you or a rapist, I'm glad the rapist went down. I'm only sorry you had to go through that, I think we all are.” There were general nods of agreement.

“Exactly,” Emily cupped Ashlyn's face. “Darling, you were put between the sword and the wall and you did what it took to survive. You were a child. And now look at you, you're a world-class paediatric surgeon in the middle of a research to cure an unknown deathly illness, and a wonderful mother and girlfriend. Why would we think any less of you?”

“Yeah, who do you think we are?” Tobin snorted a laugh.

“I mean, I'd still hire you if you had killed a rapist yesterday like, I'd actually thank you,” Abby added with a chuckle. “So, can you wipe out that face of someone constipated so we can go get drunk? You won. It was difficult, that jerk did all he could to bring you down, but you're all right now, it's over, you don't get to look like Finlay just pooed on you.”

“Yeah, it's not allowed, sorry, we're not granting permission,” continued Whitney, smiling at her friend.

At last, a small smile broke out the corner of Ashlyn's mouth.

“That's better,” Emily grinned at her, putting an arm around her. “Now, let's go get drunk! The Chief has spoken!”

They got far too drunk. By eleven, Ashlyn was laughing about pretty much anything, and she was making Ali, who didn't drink as much, laugh as hard just out of the amusement of seeing her friend drunk. And in her drunken state, Ashlyn got a crazy idea she couldn't rid herself of. So, as the friends parted ways at the end of the night and she and Ali were left alone to go back to their flat, Ashlyn grabbed Ali by the arm, and pulled her aside in the parking lot.

“We goin' to the 'ospital,” Ashlyn said, trying hard to vocalize properly and be serious.

“What? We're in no state to work, Ash.”

“Not wo'k. Mer's records. Her files.”

“We got those already.”

“Not all. I can't find the last stuff she did,” Ashlyn pronounced slowly. “I've been lookin' but it looks wiped out. But we could look in the restricted storage, in the bass'ment. With yo' ID.”

The restricted storage was only accessible with the ID cards that heads of department had. No one else could access. Ali's eyebrows raised in surprise, but Ashlyn looked serious.

“You're too drunk. You don't know what you're saying.”

“Pl'ase, Ali. Pl-eas-e. There's nothin', nothin' of the last month she was here. There's of my last month, not hers. Why? It should be there. If it isn't, they're hiding something. And if they are, my mentor did it, which could mean he is responsible of my wife's death. And I need to know. If Sermanni has known all this time wha' happen'd to her, I need t' know. Why issit missing?”

Ali sighed sadly.

“Sweetie, you know I'd love to go look for it for you, but even I can't just go in there. The records of the VIP patients are stored there, and can't be accessed without a proper authorization, only given if the patient has returned and you're their lead doctor. Without it, the computer system will know I went in without one, and the directive board could interrogate me, and then what do I say Ashlyn?”

“Lie. For me. Please,” Ashlyn grabbed her shoulders and was staring with such urgency, Ali felt cornered. “I'd do it for you. Please. I just want the truth. If they try to screw with you... I'll cover you. I'll tell them I stole your ID. We live together, it'd be believable.”

Ali stared serious at her, trying to determine how drunk she was.

“No. I'll take the blame, but not now. Tomorrow night, we'll wait in the on-call room until it's so late it's unlikely we're seen, and we will go down to the basement, together.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

“Let's go home.” Ali took her hand, and took her to the car.

When Ashlyn woke up in the morning, headache included, she thought she'd die. Months of lack of drinking due to her recovery had gotten her years back in her alcohol tolerance, and now she was struggling not to throw up her whole stomach out. By the time she appeared in the kitchen, pale but dressed, there were painkillers and a vitamin pill on the counter for her.

“God bless you Ali,” Ashlyn murmured to herself taking them with water.

“Thank you,” Ali grinned at her, coming into the kitchen. “Hurry up, we have lunch at Corey's.”

“You mean I must _eat_?” on cue, Ashlyn's stomach made a noise of decomposition.

“Or not,” Ali laughed. She was looking stunning with dark red lipstick and Ashlyn almost forgot she wasn't supposed to desire her anymore, that she had a girlfriend. “Still, hurry up to see me eat. He made fish and chips, and you know I love it.”

In order to wake herself up, Ashlyn insisted on driving. She had tried out some driving in small distances already and was fine, so now, with Ali's supervision, they made their way to Wandsworth, where the Habovicks lived. Ashlyn was feeling much better as her cousin's wife Brittany passed Finlay to her, and completely renovated as she coaxed her son to give her a kiss, something he was just now learning to do.

They had to eat quickly to go to work, but just having her son back was enough to cheer Ashlyn up tremendously. She spent the entire ride to the hospital in the backseat smiling at her boy's babbling, and making noises for him.

“You know, if men were half as awesome as my little man, I might consider dating them more often,” Ashlyn joked while they walked from the underground parking lot to the hospital hall, going to take the lift there. She had her briefcase hung across her chest and her boy sitting against her hip, while Ali carried his bag. “You're totally awesome, right Finney?” she repeatedly kissed his face. He had one little chubby hand on her shoulder, and the other around his stuffed shark.

“I have to agree,” Ali smiled at them. They got into the lift and she looked nervously at Ashlyn, who caught her.

“I haven't forgotten what you promised me last night,” Ashlyn said, guessing her train of thought. “Tonight, right?”

“Tonight,” Ali nodded. The door opened and they marched together to Finlay's daycare like a family. “All right buddy, kiss Auntie bye bye will you?”

“Bah bah,” Finlay said half waving, and let her kiss his cheek and then wipe out the lipstick stain from his cheek.

“I love you, have fun, we'll see you later. And be good!” Ali said while Ashlyn also kissed him.

“I'll see you very soon, I love you.” Ashlyn murmured caressing his face.

“Wov you,” Finlay smiled at her, and she beamed in delight. He probably had no idea what 'I love you' meant, but he knew his mother always told him such thing, and he liked to repeat what he heard, like most babies. And to his mother and auntie, it was a delight.

“He hadn't done that before, right?” Ali commented as they walked back to the lift after dropping him off.

“No,” Ashlyn was beaming so big she was practically a bright sun. “My day has just become absolutely great. Nothing can disturb me now.”

Ali laughed, shaking her head.

“I'll remind you that later when you smell an open body and feel like throwing up.”

“Oh shit you're right.”

Ashlyn was back on surgery that day. She was still trying to avoid long surgeries, but up to three hours she thought she could do just fine, and the rest, she'll bring some extra support.

The day was passing quite fast. Ashlyn made a detour to the A&E room, Ali's arena, to check on a kid who had a twisted ankle and send him to X-Rays, and then stared at Ali, who was walking to a bed where another patient was waiting. Following Ali's gaze, Ashlyn was surprised to see Emily was the patient, with a bloody cloth wrapped around a hand and a pained expression. Martin, her Asian father, stood by her bed with a frown, while Ali got ready to stitch her up, sitting on a stool by the bed.

Ashlyn ran to them.

“Em! What happened?”

“Hi baby, it's nothing, stupid rookie mistake. I poured ice on a glass hot from the dishwasher, and it broke in my hand with the change of temperature,” Emily explained, clenching her teeth as Ali injected some local anaesthesia.

“I'll stitch her up, Ali,” Ashlyn offered. “You're the head of trauma, you've got more important things to do.”

“We told her we were fine with a Junior, but she insisted,” Martin commented with a small smile.

“Yeah, I don't want them to leave you some nasty scar,” Ali smiled, and looked up at Ashlyn. “I don't mind, Ash, really.”

“I appreciate it, but let me. I'm free.”

Ali looked up at her busy A&E and nodded, getting up and handing Ashlyn the box of disposable medical gloves.

Ashlyn occupied the vacated seat and examined the cut on Emily's palm. There was still some glass on it.

“Is it deep?” Emily worried.

“No, it's superficial, but I'm going to have to remove glass first. How about I give you a feel better kiss?” Ashlyn offered, and Emily grinned as she pecked her lips. Then, Ashlyn adjusted the surgical lamp and grabbed tweezers with one hand, softly holding Emily's hand with her free one, starting to pluck out some little glass pieces.

“I should go back to the pub, if you've got her, Ash,” Martin said. “We left Owen alone and there's quite the crowd.”

“Yeah, Daddy, go back, don't worry,” Emily reassured him. “I'm totally fine.”

“She's in good hands,” Ashlyn smiled at him and he nodded, kissing his daughter before leaving. “Does it hurt much?”

“Not anymore, with the anaesthesia,” Emily stared as she fixed her hand.

“This is going to itch until it heals up, but I'll check it every day to make sure it doesn't get infected. And no using this hand, at all, not in the slightest, for at least a week until the cut closes properly. I'm bandaging it up nicely.”

“Yes Doctor,” Emily looked sweetly at her. “Thank you.”

“No problem,” Ashlyn kissed the back of her hand. “Now it's clean, I'll stitch this. Three or four stitches should do.”

“Yay! So... how's the hangover going? You were totally wasted last night.”

Ashlyn snorted a laugh, concentrating on the bloody hand.

“I'm fine. Finlay said 'I love you' today for the first time, totally changed my day.”

“Aw... he's adorable. You know, if we keep dating and get more serious and keep being happy together... I'd be happy to share parenting duties with you,” Emily said, taking her so off guard that she had to stop stitching for a second to look at her, full of surprise. “I mean I know it's soon. I'm just saying, I've given it a thought and I'd be happy with both of you being part of my life indefinitely.”

“That's...” Ashlyn nodded. “Nice to hear. I don't really date anyone I don't want near my kid. It's important for me that he's surrounded by the right people.”

“Agreed,” said Emily. “Hey, you know I'm starting a good job next week? I just got the call today.”

“Really? I had no idea you didn't want to work at the bar anymore.”

“Oh it's good, but I want an extra salary in the family, and in the bar I'm just taking for what my parents would usually learn. I studied teaching, as you know, and I applied for a position as an arts teacher for autistic children. I didn't want to say anything until I got it, in case I jinxed it.”

“So you got it?”

“I did. The school is a block from here, so I can still hang around after work.”

“That's so great, Em!” Ashlyn grinned at her. “Congratulations, I'm so happy for you. Out there, working in the stuff you love... that's what success looks like.”

Emily beamed, nodding.

“We should celebrate. My place, tomorrow night?”

“Done,” Ashlyn then remembered Finlay. “Oh, wait, I have to check if Ali can babysit him.”

“Bring him over,” Emily offered. “I can put up my old crib, my parents still have it in their attic.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I like to spend time with him too, let him know me better,” Emily reasoned, and Ashlyn grinned, nodding.

“Then we'll be right there.”

But before, Ashlyn and Ali had important stuff to do that night. Since daycare worked twenty-four hours, they entertained themselves in the lab, waiting for everyone to leave. Every now and then, one of them would stroll around to check who was still in the hospital, and at last, Ali returned to the lab announcing Abby and Sermanni were gone. There were cameras, so they'd be seen anyway, but they'd rather avoid encountering anyone who might be involved with hiding what had happened to Meredith.

Both doctors took deep breaths and took the stairwells to the basement, to avoid any unnecessary lift encounters and having to give explanations, as no one usually took the stairs. Two floors below ground, the restricted storage's door appeared at the end of a long corridor, the ceiling low like that of the parking below.

“Why is this place so creepy?” Ashlyn wondered out loud. “Couldn't this be in some rainbow room?”

“If we found a rainbow room, I might be more creeped out. Here,” Ali passed her ID card over the card reader at the door and, with a small 'click', it opened, and they walked inside what looked like an old library, with boxes instead of books, filling shelves up to the ceiling, forming long, never ending, dusty corridors. “I hope you're not allergic to dust.”

“Thanks for this, Alex. I owe you a big one.”

“Nonsense. If Sermanni had anything to do with Meredith's death, I want to know,” Ali looked around. “You start one side, I'll start in the other, we meet in the middle?”

“Deal.”

For over an hour, they opened box after box, removing disgusting spider webs and checking file after file until their fingers were covered in dust. Sermanni was now the director of the StR program, so there was still a possibility Meredith's missing files were in his locked office and, after having checked every box there, that possibility became the only one left.

“Tell me this doesn't look as bad as it does,” Ashlyn said as they returned upstairs. “Tell me we're just being paranoid. That there's a very good reason Meredith's last month here has been hidden where no one can find it.”

“You know, up until tonight I thought we were being paranoid. Now, I'm not even sure I can look at Sermanni to the face anymore. We have to tell Abby, Ash. She's one of your best friends, she'll want to help.”

“She's the Head of Surgery, the Chief, we can't involve her because if she's still on our side and we get caught, she could lose her job and her license. Depending on how big this thing actually is.”

“If this is as big as we're fearing it is, we can't go alone. Meredith ended up dead, Ashlyn, we need to figure out where she got her nose into and not get killed on the way.”

“We won't get killed. Finlay needs us. No one's allowed to die.”

  
  



	31. Diaries

**Chapter 31: Diaries.**

Saturday was a good way for summer cleaning. Ashlyn and Ali's shifts coincided and weren't going to start until the afternoon, so they teamed up in sweats to organize the flat a little bit. Nearing his first birthday, Finlay had suddenly outgrown a bunch of his clothes, much to their despair, and they wanted to put them in boxes in the attic. However, Ashlyn had previously shoved a few boxes there when she had just arrived from NYC. Mainly they were Meredith's stuff that she hadn't been ready to deal with at the time, but now, with Ali's support, they went there to see what could be thrown away to make space.

“These are clothes,” Ali said opening one of the boxes. “You could give them away, or keep them for yourself, they probably fit you.”

“Ah, Mer had a way too princess style to fit me,” Ashlyn smiled, going over and leaning over the box to see its contents. She automatically had to take a deep breath to let out the sudden lump in her throat as her fingers grazed Meredith's favourite sweater. It was also her favourite, soft, warm, still smelling of her. “What do you think if we forget her clothes for now and check out the boxes that are just items? Easier to throw away.”

“You're right, I'll close this one again.”

Ashlyn grabbed a heavy box from the top of the shelf and brought it down, cutting the tape to open it.

“Books, this should be easy. Most of them are neurosurgery books, brains, cool stuff but no longer read here,” Ashlyn commented, examining them.

“Do you think we should keep some, for Finlay?” Ali came over.

“We can keep the ones with the most pictures. Brain pictures are always cool. But this collection of encyclopedias can go. She was always getting those collections that sometimes come with the newspaper or medical magazines.”

“Hey,” Ali grabbed a book that stood out for having a velvet cover, “what's this? There are several.”

“Uh... I think medical journals. She liked to write down her favourite cases, for study.”

Ali nodded, opening one up. Meredith's handwriting started each entry being round and elegant, and became frenetic and messier as she wrote, as if she always attempted to start a new entry making it look pretty, but then the passion to write quickly all she was thinking off took over and messed the beauty up.

While she checked them, Ashlyn checked the other medical books and started a pile to give to charity. However after a few minutes, Ali had read enough.

“Ashlyn,” she said with a quiet voice charged with something Ashlyn couldn't pinpoint, “I think you need to read this.”

Ashlyn looked at her and couldn't decipher her expression, but as she took the journal from Ali, she thought she saw sadness in her eyes.

“What is it?”

“They weren't just medical journals, Ash. She wrote the last days she lived.”

The sole sentence made Ashlyn's heart hammer anxiously, and she opened the journal, already feeling her stomach tighten at the familiar handwriting, that had composed, for almost a decade, hundreds of love letters for her.

' _July 10_ _th_ _, 2019_

_Every time I open my eyes, Ashlyn looks relieved. I know I won't get to stare at her beautiful, sad, hazel eyes much longer, but the thought of giving her a healthy, wonderful son to love and be happy with, keeps me going. She will be an excellent mother, and I will be their guardian angel, and that is the consolation I hold onto now, as I feel my body start to give up on me._

_Now, my weakness means it takes me thrice the usual time and effort to write just one sentence, so I'll keep this brief._

_As our angel boy's foot marks against my skin, Ashlyn's eyes fill with brightness just once. I know he will be her salvation. He will keep her sane and happy. He keeps me fighting too. But lately, a thought has been bugging me a lot, one that I can't find it in me to tell Ashlyn. If she knows, she may never forgive me, she may kill Tom, she may leave medicine and everything that I know she needs to keep going. It may destroy her._

_I haven't wanted to acknowledge the thought either, in all this time I've been sick. It's going to be over a year and a half now, since my symptoms first started, all along while trying my best to shut up and ignore the thought. But now I need to say it._

_I was working with Tom before I got ill. He's Ashlyn and I's mentor, so when he asked me for help to participate on a secret research, I couldn't say no. His research was secret because he was investigating a way to invent a biological weapon whose DNA chain we can manipulate to transform a biological weapon into the perfect weapon against aggressive diseases like cancer, Alzheimer's, etc. If it works, we'll save thousands of lives. But people get very scared when we talk of creating a biological weapon, even if the idea is to use it for good, in a teaching hospital, so Tom doesn't want anyone to know, so they don't get scared and shut it down. I wanted to convince him to use Ashlyn's help too, she's a paediatrician, she could help... but he kept saying not yet. I think he thinks she wouldn't be able to keep the secret. Her grandmother had then started to show signs of senile dementia, and perhaps she would want to use it to save her, so Tom decided it should be just the two of us. In his words, the least people know, the better. The research hasn't been approved officially, and anyone who knows would have to lie to the big institutions like MHRA... in some way, not telling Ashlyn, I protected her, so that if Tom gets caught, she won't lose her medical license like I might. But I'm dying now, so who cares?_

_Anyway, Tom and I were working on it, and we had to use special suits, with special gloves and all, to manipulate the deathly chemicals so we wouldn't accidentally die while manipulating the genetic chain. One day, I realized my glove had the tiniest of holes, and my skin had come in contact with the product. We were terrified I had been infected, the research was only in the initial stages, it was still very deathly, we hadn't managed to make it affect diseases only yet, but we couldn't tell or we could be in big trouble. Tom did me medical exams, blood tests, everything came good. I was healthy. We continued for three months, and I was healthy, so we forgot about it. Our research was progressing._

_Then, we illegally tried it on a sick rat. The rat died in less than an hour, so we knew the medicine we were trying to create was still a deathly biological weapon. I couldn't tell anyone, not even Ashlyn, but we decided to shut down the trial, just until we figured what went wrong. At last, a month later we knew, and we continued, but I had started to feel ill. For my first year ill, I never related it to the hole in the glove. Now for the past few months, I've been more and more sure that I got the biological weapon, and no one can diagnose it because we manipulated it so big, it's unrecognizable. It's a silent murderer, and we never found a cure. When I left London, Tom had just started to make big steps on it, and I left it alone. If I had said anything, his trial would've died, and it can't, not if he can prove it can save lives enough to get the MHRA to approve it._

_So now I think I'm going to die for it. I want to tell Ashlyn, tell her I know what happened, but what for? She'd blame Tom, when she needs him, she'd be angry at me, she'd be angry at herself, and there's still no cure. I can't hurt her like that. I see the way her eyes look sadder every day, I hear her cry at night when she thinks I sleep, I hear her pray like she's never prayed, get thinner and thinner, look less healthy and more broken... if I tell her, I'll break her completely, and I can't. I love her. And I need for her to go on thinking this was just bad luck, some odd disease, and raise our son, be happy._

_Oh, but I'm so afraid. When I got infected, the weapon was so strong still... which means I'm going to get really bad, and suffer a lot. It means what I've gone through so far it's nothing compared to what's in store. I'm terrified. And what if it kills our son? She'll never forgive me._ '

Ashlyn stared at the last period breathless, feeling as if she had just been thrown a bucket of ice water. Without noticing, Ali had knelt beside her, with an arm around her, keeping her grounded, and yet she felt she couldn't breath. She skimmed through the next journal entries, seeing no more references to her secret, until she got to the last entry.

_'July 22 nd, 2019_

_Our beautiful Finlay Ryan Harris has just been born. Ashlyn is in the NICU with him now, and I've convinced my parents to leave me alone for a couple hours so I could write. He is perfect. He is everything. And he isn't sick. He has ten fingers, ten toes, absolute perfection wherever you see... he's premature, but he's strong like Ashlyn, tough Harris blood going on in there, and he's going to be a great man. My disease didn't affect him. I've never felt more relieved._

_I think this is it for me now. I feel life slipping out of me. But knowing our son is healthy and strong, and life has returned to Ashlyn's eyes, I think I'm ready to let go. It's only mercy. This weapon has reduced me to skin and bones, and I can't take this torture anymore. My only hope now is that I can get rid of this diary before I die, so Ashlyn never has to know._ '

A week later, she was dead.

Ashlyn felt as if her heart had just been punched. She couldn't breathe. Ali was talking and she couldn't breathe, or hear her, she was just numb. Suddenly, Ali was holding her, but she felt underwater, couldn't make out what she was saying. And then, she was crying. She was crying hard, she was crying with anger, frustration, sadness, despair, betrayal... Tom had never told her. Likely, he knew, or at least suspected, and he never told her. It was his fault Meredith was dead, his fault she died like she died, and the coward had over a year to come to them, find help for her... but he never did. He shut up like a coward.

“I'm going to kill him,” Ashlyn finally choked out, clenching her teeth in anger, standing up. “I'm going to find him, and then I'm gonna kill him.”

“Ashlyn,” Ali stood up and cupped her face. She had tears running down her cheeks too, and looked to be in physical pain. “There is nothing we can do. Nothing will bring her back. You need to let go, she wanted you to—,”

“I don't care what she wanted! She lied to me! She hid this from me, I'm her wife, I SHOULD'VE KNOWN! SHE LET ME SUFFER HELPLESS, WHEN SHE KNEW WHAT HAPPENED, AND I COULD'VE DONE SOMETHING IF I HAD KNOWN!” consumed by rage, she kicked the box of encyclopedias making it roll to its side, and Finlay started crying down the ladder.

“You couldn't have! She didn't want you to suffer trying to find a cure when she knew there wasn't one! She was a neurosurgeon, chances are it lived in her brain, Ashlyn, chances are she knew how deathly it was because she made it deathly. They just didn't manage to make it attack only diseases. Please, Ashlyn...”

Ashlyn shook her head and hurried down the ladder. Ali followed her into the sitting room, and into the master bedroom, where Finlay was sitting in his crib, crying. Ashlyn was taking several deep breaths, trying to calm down for her son, holding him tight while tears kept falling down her cheeks.

“He called me to come back to London, Tom. He came to Meredith's funeral,” Ashlyn explained full of anger. “He stood there, fully knowing what had happened, and shut up like the coward he is while I kept asking how was it possible for her, a healthy young woman, to have gotten so ill. He had to know, Ali, he's the smartest person in the hospital, he's had over fifty years in medicine, he knows everything. And he stood there, and he talked me into returning, made me go to Abby to see if there could be a job here for me, and then for all these months has operated standing right by my side, has had hundreds of chances to tell me the truth, how could he do this to us?! I trusted him! We both did!”

“You're scaring Finn.”

Ashlyn clenched her teeth and nodded, trying to calm down for her crying son.

“I don't know what to do Ali. Obviously our research makes no sense now, we know what she had, but we can't let Sermanni continue. He'll kill someone else, Ali, the MHRA didn't approve for a reason.”

“We console Finlay, we take a cup of tea, and we go to work, that's what we do,” Ali said and then, seeing her disbelief, put a soothing hand on her forearm. “Ashlyn, if we go to the MHRA, they'll ruin Sermanni's career. They'll take away his license—,”

“It's what he deserves!”

“All he wanted was what we wanted, get a cure for big diseases. Medical advances have always happened at someone's cost. People had to die, animals, someone had to be the trial patient... this one cost Meredith's life, but she got into it with full knowledge of what she was doing and the dangers of it. She knew it wasn't even approved—,”

“She trusted our mentor, who was our Chief back then, she trusted—,”

“No one forced her to do that. Look, I'm not saying he's innocent, what he did was terrible, and we'll make sure his research is as dead as Meredith is, we'll make sure no one else is endangered... but he's still a fantastic doctor, surgeon, teacher. Without him, patients will lose a great doctor. So we will tell him we know, and we will ask him to shut his research down and threaten him with going to the MHRA, but we will give him a chance to do the right thing Ashlyn, okay? If he fails, we'll tell the MHRA, but let's just give him a chance, even if it's just for what he's done for you and Meredith, for any good thing he's done.”

Ashlyn clenched her jaw, but she nodded, looking down as she patted Finlay's back soothingly.

“He walked her down the aisle. She wasn't speaking to her family at the time, so... he walked her down the aisle. That's what he meant for her. He was like a father. And he asked her to risk her life like this. And even when he knew Finlay could've become diseased as well, he failed to mention what he'd done.”

“I know. I know...” Ali hugged them, feeling her shaking with anger. That was the part that bothered her the most, that Finlay had been inside of Meredith, and Tom Sermanni had known, he had known she was ill and trying to get pregnant too, and he never called her and told her what she had, persuaded her not to endanger a foetus' life.

  
  



	32. Come clean

**Chapter 32: Come clean.**

Every time Ashlyn saw Sermanni around the hospital, she had to resist the urge to punch him. She felt herself become stiff, rigid with fury, and she started to avoid him. Ali felt a similar way, but they both had to work with him sometimes, do BAFTA - winning performances, he was still a former Chief. Their friends noticed their odd mood that afternoon, but respected their reticence to talk about it and backed off. Ali kept looking nervously at Ashlyn, passing through her ward to check on her, feeling her like a ticking bomb.

And at last, the bomb exploded when they took a break to go to the cafeteria and have dinner. Sermanni was laughing loudly standing near their table, chatting with some colleagues, and Ali could feel Ashlyn stiffen next to her every time his laugh reached them. At last, she slammed her coffee's disposable glass on the table and stood up so fast, Ali barely had time to run after her. Without another word, Ashlyn reached Sermanni as his colleagues left and he was alone, pulled him from the shoulder so he'd turn to face her, and slammed his nose with her fist so hard the 'crack' resonated in the room, that went cold and quiet. He fell backwards and within seconds, Ashlyn was straddling him, grabbing a fistful of his collar with one hand and repeatedly punching him with the other, not giving him time to react.

“ASHLYN NO!” Ali wrapped her arms around her chest from behind and pulled her up, struggling to contain her and hold her back as she tried to wrestle and get rid of her.

“LET ME GO! I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!” Sermanni seemed unconscious on the floor, so Dwyer, Morgan, Heath and Rapinoe ran to help him, and Abby, O'Hara, Press and Werry ran to help Ali contain Ashlyn, whose right hand was already swelling and bruising.

Ashlyn shouted threats the entire way to the lift, and no one had ever seen her that livid. At last, they calmed her down and dragged her to Abby's office, pushing her to sit on the sofa. O'Hara took Ashlyn's hand to check it, quickly determining her money-maker hadn't broken.

“Now,” Abby looked at Ashlyn furious herself, but keeping her cool, “are you going to tell me the hell that was about, or do I have to let police decide what to do with you?”

“He's responsible for Meredith's death,” Ashlyn choked out. Abby's expression turned into one of surprise, so she sat down, and they told her everything they knew. In the end, Abby and the other doctors looked as conflicted as they had felt.

Rapinoe and Heath arrived just when they finished.

“Sermanni's okay,” Rapinoe announced, locking the door. “I fixed his nose and cheek, they're broken, but he's already awake and doesn't show signs of concussion. He's just confused about why Ashlyn hit him, and so are we.”

Abby gave them a brief version of what she had just been informed of, and stared at Ashlyn, not knowing what to do herself, while the others sat, all shocked.

“You understand that man endangered my wife's life taking advantage of his position of power, did a medical research in secret without the MHRA approval, and shut up for over a year and a half while the thing he created ate my wife out until she was begging to be dead,” Ashlyn said in an evident effort of keeping her voice at an acceptable volume. “He shut up, even when she started talking of pregnancy, he shut up and let us get her pregnant, what if my child got it too, Abby? He never said anything! And now Finlay could be sick, that weapon is smart Abby, it knows to hide, it did with Meredith for months, it could be silently killing Finlay for all I know! And he shut up! He came to the funeral, looked at me in the eye, and lied to me!”

“Okay, you are taking this,” Ali dug in Ashlyn's lab coat pocket to get her anxiolytics, and slip one in her mouth. “You need to calm down, whatever it takes.”

“You fire me if it's what you have to do,” Ashlyn continued taking a deep breath to calm herself. “But you need to fire her too, or I'm going to the MHRA, he's not getting close to patients again, Abby. The bastard hid her files. He's keeping everything under wraps, and he's not going to stop no matter who else has to die.”

“What happened to us giving him time to do the right thing? You agreed with me, Ashlyn, you agreed we'd talk to him, calmly,” Ali snapped at her.

“Everyone, calm down, please,” Abby said. “You two don't have any actual evidence Meredith died because of what he did. Yes, I'll have to talk to him about that research, make sure he's given up on it, but not even Meredith knew for sure that was the reason she was sick. She had very strong suspicions—,”

“Rightful ones, Abby. She was a brilliant neurosurgeon, the most brilliant doctor this hospital has ever seen, that's why she was chosen, and she participated in the creation of that biological weapon, so she knew how it acted better than any of us. If she believed it was why she was going to die, it was with proper knowledge of it.”

There was a hard knock on the door.

“ASHLYN! We need to talk,” Tom Sermanni's voice came, slightly nasal.

Kelley, who was the closest to the door, looked at Abby, who nodded, and got up to open the door. Ashlyn stood up so fast Ali, scared she'd hit him again, stood and grabbed her arm.

The door closed behind Sermanni, whose nose was in a cast, dry blood on his scrubs. He was carrying a thick folder that she passed to Ashlyn.

“This is what you wanted, isn't it?”

Ashlyn grabbed it and saw it was the missing files.

“Yes. How—?”

“I always thought you knew. I know you don't trust me, but I swear I always thought you knew. I thought when you left, it was because she had told you the truth and you guys had decided to put an ocean in between. You never mentioned any of it, so I thought... I thought perhaps you wanted to move past it. But now... I only just realized this is the only reason you'd break my face. You just figured it out, didn't you? What was it, her journals?”

“Yes,” Ashlyn nodded coldly. She handed Ali the folder, and glared at Sermanni. “Is my son sick? Is he going to die too?”

“No,” Sermanni affirmed. “I swear to you, for whatever my word's worth. When she got so sick, I knew it was what we did, and I swear I shut it down. I destroyed every evidence of it, I was so ashamed and so angry with myself, I wanted to bury it and never look back. I regret every bit of it. I always assumed she knew, just like I knew, why she was diseased, and that she'd find a cure in New York. I tried, from here, but couldn't. Yet, when I heard you guys were trying to conceive, and she was going to get pregnant... I called her, tried to change her mind.”

“Did you?”

“I swear. But you know her, she was stubborn, she said she couldn't just leave you alone. So I focused on trying to find out if there was any way the disease could pass into the foetus, and found out that, as long as her eggs weren't the ones being used, the baby would be safe. So when I knew you were going to use your eggs, I knew he would be absolutely safe. It's essential for Meredith's DNA to pass into the baby for it to get sick, there is no other way.”

Ashlyn scowled.

“Which means I'm sick then, right? We kissed. Her saliva went into my mouth, Sermanni.”

“No, you're not sick, you'd be dead by now. Besides, it can only be transmitted via blood. Meredith got sick through skin contact because she touched the direct product, but she couldn't transmit it as easily. I made sure of it.”

There was a moment of cold silence, no one daring to say a word.

“If you think I'm going to let you ever practice medicine after this, Sermanni...” Ashlyn said then, but Sermanni shook his head.

“I quit. Effect immediately, I'll turn in my license as well. And I'll understand if you or... any of you, report me to the MHRA. I know Meredith died because of me, I know I failed you, and I'll forever be sorry, Ashlyn, it's the biggest mistake I've ever made...”

“Apologize to Meredith, or to the boy you left motherless,” Ashlyn snapped, glaring at him full of anger. “You're dead to me.”

“It's up to you to report him,” Abby sentenced, standing up. “I'm okay with his resignation. You should get to decide whether to report him or not, it's your wife who died because of this.”

Ashlyn clenched her fists and slowly stepped closer to Sermanni, until she was almost touching him.

“She loved you more than her own father. You were our family,” she snapped, buzzing with fury, her eyes glassy from it. “We would've trusted you with our lives. And now I can only wish you had asked me to do it instead, and I would've, because you were my mentor, my teacher, and I trusted you. But instead, you took the love of my life, and you disregarded the well-being of our son. I don't care if you thought I knew, or if you were sure he was safe, as soon as she got sick, you should've come to me, but you hid hoping she'd keep the secret, you made her lie to her wife, because she'd die before betraying your trust and you knew it. You should've come to me, should've told me immediately, should've warned me of the risks of having Finlay, and you should've sat with me for that year and a half, in the lab, trying to find a way to undo the mess you both did. And I'll tell you more. She never forgave you. She refused my suggestion of naming our son Thomas, after you, she'd put stupid excuses, but I get it now. She hated you. And I... shame on you. You're dead. I'm not going to report you, as long as you give up your medical license, because she didn't, and there was no one more entitled than her to do it. I'll burn that diary and every evidence so my son doesn't have to ever think less of his mother because of you. But you're dead to us. Get the fuck away from my family, because if I ever see you again, I will kill you, and that's a warning.”

Sermanni nodded slowly, his lip trembling as he looked at her full of sadness.

“I'm so, so sorry.”

“No you're not. If you were, you would've told me, and I would've forgiven you. If you had been brave, what we expected of you, we would've forgiven you! She was braver than you could ever be, and you made a choice to be a coward, to fail us all and disappoint us, to condemn her and take away any chance of finding a cure for her, you chose to play Frankestein and when you realized you fucked up, you were too proud to admit it. You're the cancer of this hospital, you're a shame to us honourable doctors, you've thrown your whole career down the drain with this, and I don't care if you ever manage to feel sorry. Finlay's the one who'll grow up knowing his mother only from pictures, Meredith's the one dead, the one you stole motherhood and happiness from, and I? You took my heart and you smashed it. So now you can go and find somewhere to die, do us all a favour and go to hell, where you belong.”

He nodded silently and pulled a folded file out of his inside coat's pocket, handing it to Abby with a shaky hand.

“My medical license to practise medicine,” he said. He turned around, and he left.

A week later, his wife found him dead on the sofa, after having overdosed with medication. He had left a full confession written, that he had sent to the MHRA.


	33. Solitude

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy new year ;)

**Chapter 33: Solitude.**

Ashlyn thought she'd never recover. During the week after he abandoned the hospital, Ashlyn struggled to focus at work, found herself unable to smile or laugh, cried herself to sleep. Ali, Emily, and the rest of the friends did what they could for her, but there wasn't much to do. Ashlyn had been betrayed by her idol, the one she trusted most. There was no going back from that. And when news spread, out in the TV and the internet, that Tom Sermanni had done what he had done and then had committed suicide, and he and Meredith were on the cover of every news, Ali feared for Ashlyn's life.

But she came to the hospital, and buried herself in work, ignoring the stares. Her hand had healed nicely by then, although Ali knew it still ached sometimes.

And then, Mrs Sermanni came into the hospital. Ali observed her and Ashlyn chat tearfully in a corner of the hall, then hug, and then Mrs Sermanni left. She watched Ashlyn rub her eyes, and walked to her.

“What did she want?”

“She wanted me to know he told her everything before killing himself. And that she was sorry we went through what we went through, and hoped I'd find happiness after all. I wished her the same. She expected more of him, Ali. And I know I told him to die, but I thought... I don't know.”

“You're only a victim more,” Ali hugged her. “You're a good person and a wonderful mother and doctor. If I had been you, I would've beaten him to death. You found a way to let him go, and that's remarkable of you.”

“Everything is easy after having gone through everything with Mer,” she separated. “I actually feel a little better, knowing the truth. Even if you and I will have to find another way to change the world,” she added with the first hint of a smile Ali had seen of her in days. “I can let go now. I know it wasn't my fault. I know there was nothing I could've done. And I forgive her.”

“That's good.”

Ashlyn nodded, and took a deep breath.

“Anyway, Emily suggested we'd do a party for Finlay's birthday on the 22nd. It's Wednesday, so I'll ask Abby for the day off... I wasn't planning on doing anything, having in count it's also so close to Meredith's death anniversary, but Em is right. It's his first, he may never remember, but we need to have some fun, and he deserves to be celebrated, so I've gone to the bakery and they're going to make a huge cake, and I'm going to buy him a bunch of presents, and celebrate him. It'll be in our flat, but still, you're invited.”

“Oh, so you're not kicking me out,” Ali joked, making her smile. She smiled back. “Sounds fantastic, Ashlyn. We should totally celebrate him. I'll get him some cute outfit.”

“Great,” Ashlyn looked adoringly at her. “I don't know what we'd do without you, Alex. All of this... thank you. You're such a remarkable person, Finlay and I would be miserable without you.”

“Nonsense,” Ali squeezed her hand. “Just be happy. Not because Meredith told you so... but because you deserve it.” She tiptoed to press a kiss against her cheek, and returned to the A&E.

Ashlyn was set to pack the remains of their clinical research in the lab. Ali had already packed most of it away, put books back in libraries, and now she had to finish the job. It was a bitter-sweet task. As she pressed a lid over the far too full box of Meredith's files, that she was ready to just burn in some chimney, she was reminded of her wife's decision and what led to her death, all that time hiding such huge things from her, keeping secrets, and she closed the lid with a bit too much force due to a sudden outburst of anger.

She went home early. Ali had been more steadily seeing a gentleman, who was a therapist -though not hers- and a very handsome one. His name was Cormac Brennan, he was Irish, and he seemed like the perfect guy, just a few years older than Ali, which made him quite mature of a man. He had first been one amongst several different men and women Ali had been informally seeing, but now it seemed like they were becoming something, and he was taking her out to have dinner at a fancy restaurant to celebrate she had resolved a big case that had been tormenting her for several days. Ashlyn suspected he had way more money than he let on, because he drove a fancy black car, and Ali said his house was huge, so that was also a plus.

The ugly part was that he was becoming Ali's serious boyfriend. He returned her home after dates so happy that the shadow of the laughter was still present on her face by the time she went to bed, he called her or texted her daily, and always made her blush, he was respectful and understanding with her large loads of work and lack of free time, and one weekend had paid her a weekend off alone in a spa, with option to invite any friend -and because Ashlyn had been busy with work and Finlay, she had gone with Kyle- because he also understood her need to spend some solo time. He was just perfect in huge ways, and Ashlyn was jealous.

So on this certain night, going home alone wasn't exactly an option for Ashlyn. Cormac had appeared in the entry to pick Ali up for the restaurant, wearing a fancy suit, clamouring how beautiful she was despite the fact that she hadn't had time to dress up, and kissed her shyly, with his white-sprinkled blonde beard scratching her chin just gently enough, a hand automatically reaching out to hold her backpack for her while she put on her coat, and her laughter could already be heard as Ashlyn had seen walk into the street.

Which meant now she and Finlay were alone, half-dancing in the kitchen while she cooked some dinner. And she was thinking of Meredith. She had been the love of her life, at least of the part of life she had left behind after her death, and now she hated her. She knew there was so much love in the mix too, because if there wasn't, she'd just be indifferent. She wouldn't care. Problem was, she cared.

“And now you're motherless because Mummy chose to be a reckless, irresponsible liar. Yep, that's what she did,” Ashlyn commented to her son, used to speaking with him in the months she had been alone with him before returning to London. He looked at her with eyes that were more and more like hers every day, chewing a teether and getting drool everywhere. “How are your teeth sweet muffin? Does Auntie Ali's present make you feel better?” she kissed his cheek and returned her attention to the soup she was making. “So, anyway, Auntie Ali has a boyfriend now. Or it seems like it. And he's like, Mr Perfect. Cormac, such a silly name. But he's handsome and like, super nice, and he treats your Auntie super well, so we're going to have to be happy for them.”

“O'tie Awi,” Finlay murmured, looking at the soup.

“Yes, but that's soup son. Come on, let's put this in a bowl, you need to eat some and so do I.”

Solitude. That's was the only word she could feel for how she felt. It didn't matter if she was surrounded by people, if she had dozens of great friends, or anything else. Nobody she knew had gone through what she had gone through, and she was pretty sure there was no woman on Earth who had ever been left to mother a child on her own, because her wife decided one-sidedly to throw her life away for some stupid illegal medical experiment. The amount of rage and sadness she felt went at such equal parts that she struggled to smile, even for Finlay.

At last, when he went to sleep, Ashlyn walked over to one of her jewellery boxes, and opened it. It took her some physical effort, but at last she removed the ring on what that night was her sixth wedding anniversary, a ring that had never left her finger in six years, not even for a moment, and that now left a clean line of lighter skin that hadn't seen the sun in years.

“Goodbye, bitch,” Ashlyn said bitterly thinking of her late wife, and shoved the ring in the box, closing it.

To her surprise, the intercom rang then, and she rushed over to attend it. It was, to her bigger surprise, Emily, waving with her bandaged hand and a huge grin.

When her girlfriend arrived to her flat, she jumped on Ashlyn's arms, and she hugged her back.

“Hi,” Emily kissed her sweetly. “Ali texted me she was out of the house for the night so maybe I could take advantage, and you know what? I thought that was a very smart idea.”

“Me too, remind me to thank her later,” Ashlyn kissed her again, smiling. “How's your hand?”

“It's much better, because you did a phenomenal job as it was expected,” Emily grinned at her, cupping her face. “You okay? You look sad. As a matter of fact, you tend to look sad. You're like a cute sad puppy.” She added with a smaller smile. Ashlyn snorted a laugh, closing the door and leading her inside.

“I'm sorry about that. It's just, this whole thing with Meredith, the biological weapon, Sermanni... he was my mentor, my idol, a second father... I can't believe this whole mess happened because of him,” Ashlyn pulled out two glasses for wine and opened a bottle of a French one. “I'm sorry, I shouldn't be—,”

“Stop apologizing,” Emily said flopping on a stool with her glass of wine. “Finlay sleeping?” Ashlyn nodded. “Right, good. Sweetie, I just think that, you've gone through things not most people go through, your wife died on you in a horrible way and the two people you trusted the most didn't think of telling you what was happening, even when they both knew you'd be the one left in the worst situation. And admirably enough, you still manage to trust people. You have a right to feel whatever comes. And you shouldn't have to give anyone any explanations, so don't.”

Ashlyn stared at her, amazed, and grinned as Emily sipped her wine staring back at her.

“You're absolutely right,” she agreed, nodding and sitting with her. “Thank you.”

“That's why I'm here for, silly,” Emily caressed her face. “You want to vent? I can listen.”

“Actually, I'm feeling much like not venting anymore. You always brings that bohemian calmness of yours.”

“Bohemian calmness,” Emily giggled, finding the words amusing. “You're too much. So want to tell me what pushed you to take off the ring?” Ashlyn looked down at her naked finger, as if she was just noticing it.

“Anger,” Ashlyn shrugged. “I'm so sick of being lied to. I'm so sick of not knowing the full information and still be expected to deal with impossible situations. And she broke our vows. She lied. She hid major things from me. She put me through hell. So, I don't feel like being married to her right now. I feel like just hating her. I don't even know why I should speak about her to Finlay, what does he earn knowing his mother cared so little about herself and me that she did a basically suicidal thing?”

Emily observed her for a moment, making sure she had finished talking before saying anything.

“You're just rightfully bitter. But when he grows up, you're going to tell him about this wonderful lady, that loved you and that you loved. And you will tell her your love was so great it led to him, but that she made a mistake at work, and made herself sick, and died, and left you both alone, and it was a tragedy. And you will tell him that you wish he had gotten to meet her, that you miss her, and that even though he lost her, he can count on you. That's what you say.”

Ashlyn smiled sadly and nodded.

“Yeah. Deep inside I guess I'll always love her, even when I hate her. She gave me the best thing of my life, I suppose she earned a vow of forgiveness for that,” she shrugged, and Emily caressed her hand over the counter. “That's all I can do, isn't it? Forgive, forget, and move on with my life.”

“I'm afraid so. Otherwise it'll just cost you your health.”

Ashlyn agreed with a nod, and kissed her.

“You're always so good to me.”

“I try,” Emily kissed her back.

“So, how are you? How's everything going? Work, parents...”

“Everyone is doing great, work is amazing, I'm happy,” Emily squeezed her cheek gently. “Want to finish this wine and have a quickie?”

“I'd love to,” Ashlyn was already finishing her wine and Emily laughed at her enthusiasm. “Are you wearing that bra that unhooks on the front?”

Emily left her empty glass on the sink and winked at her.

“Why don't you come and find out?”

  
  



	34. Foursome

**Chapter 34: Foursome.**

When Ashlyn woke up, Emily wasn't on the bed with her anymore, but she could hear noise in the kitchen. Knowing Emily's stomach would grow loudly if starved for too long, Ashlyn supposed she was already cooking breakfast, and sleepily washed her face before going to attend Finlay, who wasn't in his crib, which surprised her. So she went outside to the kitchen, where she could hear him giggling, and to her utter surprise she found Emily on the stool sharing crêpes with Finlay, and Ali at the stove cooking them. Both women looked to be mid-laughter.

“Well good morning,” Ashlyn grinned, absent-mindedly trying to correct her messy hair with one hand. “What's so funny?”

“We were sharing our partners' weird-but-funny facts. Corm likes to start eating pizza with his fork and knee, only to continue with his hands once the slide it's half its size,” Emily said full of amusement. “But you like to cut apart roasted chicken with your scalpel, so I don't know who's winning.”

“Oh that's how it goes?” Ashlyn snorted a laugh. “Well you tuck only the feet of the bedsheets under the mattress and leave the upper part without tucking, and Ali only grabs grassy things with two fingers of each hand, so I'd say we're all a comic foursome.”

“I mean yes,” Ali giggled, putting a plate for Ashlyn.

“Thank you. How come you're here already? Don't tell me Corm doesn't have enough stamina!” she joked.

“Oh, Corm has stamina enough,” he appeared all of the sudden, smiling. “I had to go to the bank early today, so Ali thought she'd accompany me and then we could pass by the store and get us all some breakfast. I was just washing my hands, can I help out babe?”

“Yes, thank you. Just chop some more cheese for me? This one's for you.”

“And leave yours for last? No, this one's yours and then you can sit down and I'll do my own. You're always working so much.”

“Aw, thank you.” Ali grinned at her and Emily faked pucking behind their backs, making Ashlyn giggle. She took Finlay from her to kiss him between bites.

Soon, the foursome moved to the living room to eat on the sofa with plenty of crêpes for them. Finlay started crying, so Ashlyn patted his back gently and let him have some more crêpes until he calmed down.

“He has good taste,” Corm commented, grinning. “Ali this is so good, how do you always master everything you do?”

“You're just easy to please,” Ali kissed his bearded face.

“Ali was telling me how great the restaurant you were to was. Asian, didn't you say?”

“Yeah they had these balls that are made of bananas or something, and like fried,” Ali started saying between bites. “Fucking amazing, seriously.”

“It was, absolutely. I feel it's more and more delicious every time we go,” Corm agreed with her, looking at her with dark blue eyes. “What about you ladies, had fun?”

“Loads,” Emily snorted a laugh. “That wine...!”

“The French one?” Ali asked, and Emily nodded. “Well done Ash! I always say that's the best thing the French ever did.”

Ashlyn sat back and observed them in amazement. Corm and Emily knew Ali and her dated. None of them cared, and none of them ever seemed to mind they still lived together. And now there they were, the four of them sitting together, chatting, laughing, as if they had always been friends. That was strange, yet nice.

And then the doorbell rang and Ashlyn checked her watch as she stood up to get the door, handing the baby to Ali. She checked her watch as her slipper-covered feet made their way to the door, and saw it wasn't time for work yet. As usual, the doctor looked through the peephole, and this time was very much incredulous, seeing her sister-in-law.

“Jen?” she yanked the door open and stared at her in disbelief. “What... how...?”

“A neighbour let me in,” the blonde explained, looking pristine as ever. “And I'm coming on a family emergency, you'll thank me.” She added looking rushed, coming in with her giant purse. “Oh what an awful traffic! The taxi took ages...”

“Right,” Ashlyn, stupefied, followed her as the woman went into the flat as if it was hers, automatically going to the living room following the smell of crêpes.

“Oh,” Ali looked at Jennifer and her whole amusement vanished. “Jennifer.”

“Hi! I remember you from the A&E, didn't know you and Ash were friends!” Jennifer grinned, and waved at everyone. She tended to do that, making herself comfortable with any group of strangers. “Hi! I'm Jennifer, Ash's sister.”

“I didn't know she had a sister,” Emily smiled and reached out a hand to shake hers. “I'm Emily, her girlfriend.”

“A girlfriend?!” Jennifer turned dramatically to Ashlyn. “What about my sissy?!”

“OK, pause,” Ashlyn did a break gesture with her hands, catching up. “Jennifer is my sister-in-law, she's actually Meredith's big sister. And Jen, I love Mer, but I'm just trying to get back into the dating pool so please don't judge. And this is Ali, who is actually my flatmate, and her boyfriend...”

“I'm gonna go,” Richard murmured, kissing Ali. “I'll see you later.” He made his way out, and Ali turned to Jennifer, shocked by her sudden appearance.

“Well all the more reason for me run here. Mum and Dad are coming,” Jennifer announced. “For Finlay's birthday. They're planning to surprise you, but I knew it was an awful idea, and since I couldn't convince them not to come, I had to warn you.”

“Jen, that's so very nice of you but couldn't you just call me?”

“And miss seeing my baby nephew? No way!” she was already ripping the boy from Ali's hands and covering his face with lipstick. “Hello sweet boy! You've gotten so big since I last saw you!”

Ashlyn could already feel a headache coming.

“So rewind, you said your parents are going to just... appear here in a couple weeks?”

“Yes. And they're going to catch you and your girlfriend making out on the sofa, and then you'll wish you were in hell, because it'd be nicer.”

“But they can't just come here like that, right?” Ali said full of naivety. “This is our flat. They can't just expect to be welcomed.”

“They don't even have any business here. For Finn's birthday? They never even like him, they thought gay marriage was repugnant, and a baby product of that was an abomination,” Ashlyn reasoned, shaking her head as she tried to take in the news. “Why do they care now?”

“Well,” Jennifer made herself at home, sitting with Finlay between Emily, who looked shocked, and Ali, who looked like she wanted for Earth to eat her already. “We were having dinner at home in NYC the other day, and Mum got emotional thinking of Meredith's death anniversary coming up, she started saying perhaps it was a mistake they rejected Finlay, because with Mer not being alive, they were the only ones who could honour her spirit and her wishes and keep her alive for him, they were saying if they didn't make an effort to be in his life then he, I quote 'will grow up speaking that terrible accent, only caring about tea, and with the sole influence of those drug-addict fishermen! And then he'll become a coarse who lives in a boat!' they became so horrified by the thought that they made the urgent decision of coming here to 'make a gentleman out of Finlay' and 'a truly decent, good American man'. Dad's already started to talk about raising him to join the family hotel business. I was horrified, can't imagine you.”

Ashlyn's jaw had dropped and she was staring at her as if Jennifer was some sort of alien, while her blood started to boil.

“You've got to be kidding me.”

“I wish sis.”

“So... you don't get along with your in-laws?” Emily asked Ashlyn, curious and disconcerted by the whole situation.

“They're homophobic brats and never liked me, which in response meant I heavily dislike them. Do they think I'm going to let them take Finlay away?” Ashlyn inquired, pressing Jennifer.

“Oh yes. They have a team of lawyers researching to make it look as if you denied them contact with him so they can sue you for visitation rights, and they keep saying he was born in American soil and should be in America. I really tried to dissuade them Ash, I promise, but they were being ridiculous.”

“They cannot do that,” Emily frowned. “Who the hell they think they are?”

“The queen and king of Saudi Arabia,” Jennifer rolled her eyes. “That's how they see themselves.”

Ashlyn flopped on the sofa, too shocked and overwhelmed with anger to know what to say or do. She just sat there, staring at nothing, looking like someone had just slapped her with a rock.

“Ash,” Ali squeezed her hand, “it's okay, no one's taking him away.”

“Their patrimony is of over five million dollars, Alex,” Ashlyn murmured. “They have money, power and contacts good enough to fry me. To put me through absolute hell. And I don't have that kind of money, or power, or contacts...”

“You do,” Jennifer argued. “You have me. I'll make sure they leave you both alone.”

Ashlyn looked abruptly at her.

“You what? You cannot side with me, they're your parents!”

“And they're fucking crossing the line. I loved Mer, she was my only sibling,” Jennifer scowled. “She wanted them to love you and Finlay. She kept saying it, and she always suffered so much when she saw their disapproval and dislike... she only had one posthumous wish, for them to love you both. And they couldn't even do what their daughter asked for in her literal death bed. That's when I stopped respecting them. You're a great mother, you make this one happy... and he's a good boy because of you. We cannot let them hurt you. So here's the number of the law firm I always hire for anything,” she reached into her purse and after a moment of looking got a card she handed Ashlyn. “You call them and you say you're calling from me. You won't have to worry about expenses, I'll take care of it all. They're a British-American firm, so they know the laws in both places, they'll give you the best advice, you'll see. And if you need to go to trial, they'll win.”

“I just had a trial,” Ashlyn shook her head. “Thank you so much Jen, I don't know how to thank you enough...”

“Kick their asses back to America,” Jennifer kissed Finlay's cheek soundly one last time and handed him to Ashlyn. “I've got to catch another plane, I just needed to make sure to find you. And oh! I heard about Chris!”

“How even...?”

“My sister used to tell me about him, he was sexy as fuck I followed him in Facebook and he followed me back,” Jennifer said matter-of-fact, and Ashlyn couldn't find it in her to be astonished anymore. “Anyway, I'm so sorry. Losing a sibling hurts like hell, but you'll be okay. You got me always and forever!” and hugged her and kissed her cheek.

“Thanks Jen, I do appreciate it,” Ashlyn smiled small, and Jennifer kissed Finlay again.

“Bye bye you super handsome boy! Oh! I got him a present!” she dug in her purse again and took out a stuffed teddy bear with an NYC shirt. She was so excited giving it to him, and he pretty much yanked it from her. “You like him? He's so soft!”

“Aw, he loves stuffed animals. Thanks. You gonna say hi to Auntie Jen and show her how many words you've learned Finn?” Ashlyn tried to persuade her shy boy. “Come on, say thank you.”

“Ak you!” he tried enthusiastically, and Jennifer pouted, touched.

“So cute!”

By the time she left, the three women felt breathless, as if a tornado had just passed through the living room. Ashlyn was starting to feel sick, so she left Finlay on the rug to play with his new toy and rushed to get herself a dose of diazepam, and went to bed without a second word. Ali and Emily took a moment to share their thoughts, and then came into her room.

“Hey,” Emily curled behind her, hugging her close, “hey, it's okay. We're not going to let anything happen to Finlay.”

“We'll help you with everything,” Ali promised, sitting on the edge of the bed and caressing her knee over the duvet. “It's gonna be all right.”

“I can't,” Ashlyn muttered. “I can't...”

“You can't what, hun?” Emily inquired further.

“Anything. It's too much. Meredith's illness, her death, the time in NYC with her fucking family, then Pugh and the brain damage, and just when I'm starting to feel better Christopher dies, and the trial, and now this I can't... it's too much... I'm on the fucking edge of an anxiety attack, I can't take any of this anymore, I... it's just too much, I need a break.”

Emily felt her trembling between her arms and tried to soothe her, whispering nothings and holding her tighter. After a few minutes, Ali had a solution.

“You're having a break. This people are coming for Finlay's birthday, right? Then we're going to pack and spend the week in Yorkshire with my family. Mum has a big house she rarely uses anymore since she moved to Bristol with her husband, we could host guests there, stay there, have a giant birthday party and your in-laws will never find us.”

“They'll still sue the fuck out of me. And I know they don't have a case, but they've got friends everywhere, even judges and all,” Ashlyn gulped in worry. “They'll do everything, and if they can't take Finlay, they'll take away my sanity.”

The other two girls exchanged a concerned look and then Ali decided to try the doctor approach to problems.

“Listen, Ash, this is like when someone arrives to the A&E borderline dead,” she began. “At first, it looks like ten things are failing at once, and you don't even know where to start. You may even be afraid to touch anything because the guy seems like a breeze could kill him. So you just pick the closest bleeding wound and think of the very first thing you can control, the first thing you can do something about. Put pressure to stop the bleeding, for example,” Ashlyn frowned, looking at her. “And then you move on to the next thing you can control. And little by little, in the end you've fixed him all together and he's still alive.”

“Very often he's dead.”

“Well, yes but not always, right? And in any case, you never act alone,” Ali settled relentless. “So what's the very first thing you can do something about in this mess, Ash?”

Ali knew the drill when someone had high anxiety levels. Anxiety came because issues started to be perceived as one huge oncoming, unresolvable, issue, but very often if you could manage to break it in little pieces, and focus on dealing with the tiny pieces one by one without thinking of what came next, you could manage to calm down. It was just a very difficult thing to do.

So Ashlyn looked thoughtful for a moment before she answered.

“I can call the number Jen gave me and ask for help.”

Ali smiled and nodded.

“That sounds like an excellent idea.”

“Here,” Emily dug into Ashlyn's pocket under the covers and grabbed her phone, passing it to the owner. “Go on, the sooner, the better.”

An hour later, they had the team of lawyers Jennifer had recommended analysing the case, after having spent a few minutes calming Ashlyn down through the phone and reassuring her it'll all be okay and she didn't have to worry about money, Ashlyn had sent an email to her parents-in-law communicating them that she knew about their intentions to visit, and that they would only not be welcomed, but that she was ready to take legal action against them if they dared to come closer to their grandchild, because, as she explicitly left written on the mail (already thinking of how easily it was to prove she had sent it and warned them in a trial), that since they had decided their daughter's relationship with a woman was an abomination, and Finlay a product of it and therefore always neglected him, now she did not trust them to spend any amount of time with the boy. She also mentioned that, if they decided to sue to get grandparents' visitation rights or even child custody, she was more than ready to fight back. In the end, she politely advised them to go on with their lives and ignore Ashlyn and Finlay's existence altogether.

“You're better know, isn't it?” Emily kissed Ashlyn's temple, stroking her hair as the doctor closed her laptop and got more comfortable sitting up in bed, enjoying a relaxing herbal tea Ali had prepared for her while she was in the computer.

“Yeah... thanks guys,” Ashlyn said appreciatively. “How's Finn?”

“Sleeping in his crib,” Ali replied. “I've made you an emergency appointment with your therapist, perhaps Emily can accompany you there now and I'll be more than happy to babysit Finlay for as long as it takes.”

“Now?” Ashlyn was surprised.

“You ought to be there in an hour, you have time enough to finish your tea and get dressed, so don't worry.”

“I'll drive you,” Emily assured. “I can go to the supermarket while you're there and then cook something nice for us all to eat at lunch.”

“Sounds lovely,” Ashlyn nodded. “You two are angels. Seriously, I don't know what I did to deserve you.”

“We wonder the same every day, in the inverse,” Emily grinned, kissing her cheek. “You sit now, relax, don't worry about a thing. We've got it all under control.”

“Don't you girls have to go to work?”

“It's Saturday, I'm not expected at the school.”

“And I texted Abby and let her know we're very sick with the flu,” Ali added.

Ashlyn snorted a laugh.

“Oh, are we?”

Ali faked a cough, making her giggle.

“We're so, so very, deeply, sick,” Ali joked, making a fake raspy voice and an expression of pain, to make her snigger.

  
  



	35. Finlay's first

**Chapter 35: Finlay's first.**

It was incredible what Ali could organize with just a little bit of time and Emily's help, as the teacher was now officially on summer holidays. Debbie, Ali's Mum, had let them use the house she used when she was in Yorkshire, for Finlay's birthday party. The house in Leeds was a big countryside house with plenty of space for all of their guests and a rustic decoration. There was a room for Ashlyn and Emily, where they put Ali's old crib for Finlay, a room for Ali and Corm, who was coming over to see Ali's hometown, and some rooms for other guests. There was also a big homemade cake that said 'Yay Finn!' and had one single, golden, candle, and there were a couple chimneys were big fires were created.

The temperatures were also nice, like Spring in London, fresh and sunny, and Finlay got to start crawling around the house with his thickest socks on and his little butt tucked in thick mini trousers, a reindeer on his jumper, so it was great for everyone.

On the actual day of the birthday, Ashlyn had invited Ali's family as a thank you for lending them the house. So Kyle was coming accompanied by his boyfriend Jason and also Debbie and her second husband, Mark, but not Kenneth, who had nothing to do with the house and had already had breakfast with his children and children's partners on the same day.

Ashlyn woke up in a happy mood, entangled with Emily under the covers, already being kissed good morning. As she and Emily walked to the crib, she felt a tingle of excitement inside. She couldn't believe her baby was now a year old, an infant who'd be walking any day now. He was peacefully sleeping, so she carefully held him against her chest and grinned to herself, kissing his head.

“He's adorable,” Emily caressed his small mane of hair, that was now turning darker, and smiled, kissing Ashlyn. “Good job Mummy.”

“I didn't decorate the house as beautifully as you and Ali did, so yours is the merit.” The two women had teamed-up to decorate and now there were birthday decorations everywhere, and birthday cupcakes, and a birthday photobooth. Finlay's birthday was certainly going to be epic.

“Mummy,” Finlay murmured, stretching a little just to make himself a ball again tucking his face under Ashlyn's chin.

“Happy birthday love,” Ashlyn kissed his forehead. “I love you so much.”

The birthday boy enjoyed a birthday nap in his mother's lap until the smell of breakfast woke him up a while later, as the friends sat around the table with birthday hats already on their heads.

“Happy birthday Finney,” Ali grinned seeing he was waking up. Ashlyn had just been surprised with a mountain of beautifully wrapped presents on top of the table, all for Finlay. She had no idea how she was going to store so many gifts in the house, but she was deeply touched regardless.

Finlay, who was too young to understand birthdays, merely stretched, lazily rubbing his eye to his mother's amusement, and pointed to a waffle, not because he liked them, but because they looked great.

“Oh, he wants to try a waffle! Here, take it,” their friend Whitney was around to cut a tiny piece and feed it to Finlay, who liked it, frowned, and then ate it, trying to decide whether he liked it or not.

Hours later, while some of their friends had a dance party, others where playing with Finlay sitting on a grey rug in the rustic-looking living room with all his brand new toys for his birthday, and Ashlyn and Ali stood nearby on the watch, having a drink while observing him. Ashlyn, who was feeling full of affection and gratefulness for all Ali had done for her and Finlay, wanted to take the opportunity to show her.

“Hey,” she started by elbowing the older woman gently. Ali raised an eyebrow turning to her, and smiled, her big, tiger brown eyes fixing on hers full of affection. “I owe you a big one.”

“Oh, nonsense,” Ali shrugged it off humbly. “Nothing you wouldn't do for me.”

“Even though that's true, it's also true that...” Ashlyn sighed, looking back at her son. “You're our family, Ali. Maybe we weren't meant to be together as a couple, but I think we're meant to be together as family. That you're meant to be Finlay's Auntie and my best friend, and we're meant to be yours,” she turned to Ali to see the effect her words were having, and found Ali looking rather amazed and curious at once. “Emily is great. We are great. We want the same stuff, she's more than willing to have Finlay in her family if it works out that well between us, it's awesome. But you get me like only you can, you saved Finlay's birthday, you knew exactly how to handle me when I was difficult—,”

“I'm your flatmate, I've been for months, and we work together, we spend an incredible amount of time together and have known each other for months... of course I knew what to do. Not to mention I'm in trauma—,”

“I know. I'm just saying,” Ashlyn insisted. “We're one hell of a team, and I'm grateful for you. And I'm conscious that you are irreplaceable, no one else can play your part in our lives. And I want to say thank you, and I want to say, whatever happens between you and Corm and Em and I... you have us. You'll always have us.”

Ali smiled small and nodded, squeezing her shoulder gently.

“I do appreciate it, but for now, just don't go too crazy on us. There's always going to be a lot going on, but you know better than to lie in bed mentally blocked. You've got to get your shit together for him.”

“Yes,” Ashlyn nodded, “definitely will do.”

“O'ty Ali,” Finlay called turning to look at Ali, raising a giraffe toy towards her with an urgent expression.

“I must play,” Ali whispered and winked at Ashlyn, smiling as she went to the baby.

Ashlyn smiled staring at them and winked at her son. She was all in for the both of us teaming up to keep her in their life.

She decided to walk out now that the boy was so well attended and finish her drink pacing around the garden, staring at the countless stars that shun bright against the blackboard sky. She was mesmerized by the stars, absent and had pretty much forgotten her drink, when Emily came around, surprising her.

“I wasn't sure you'd want to be alone,” Emily said shyly, holding a drink of her own. She was stunning in a tight gown.

Ashlyn wasn't sure either, but she felt happy to see her, so she merely side smiled and tucked a loose strand of red hair behind Emily's ear before pecking her lips.

“I'm always happy to see you. Enjoying the party?”

“Very much, it was so nice of Ali to offer us to come here,” Emily put a hand on her lower back, looking up at her. “So why are you here alone when your son is having a blast inside?”

“I uh...” Ashlyn pointed up at the stars. “I forgot the sky could be this gorgeous. I've been in London or NYC for so long Em... it's been ages since I've seen stars like this. Couldn't help myself.”

“I love how poetic you get,” Emily snorted a laugh, looking at the stars too. “You're right, they're gorgeous. But I know something more gorgeous...”

“Oh, smooth!”

“Who says I was talking about you? Have you seen your girlfriend?” Emily joked, flipping her hair. Ashlyn laughed, shaking her head. “You know,” she added, once their giggles subsided, leaning onto her shoulder, “one day, if we're getting stronger and all... we should give Finlay a little brother or sister.”

The words took Ashlyn by complete surprise, and she turned rather brusquely, but smiled. It wasn't a bad thought.

“I do dream of giving him a big family,” Ashlyn confessed shyly, which made Emily grin.

“Right? We could get a house in the countryside, even if it's just for the days off, somewhere with skies like this all the time.”

Ashlyn nodded in agreement.

“I'd really like that.”

“Hey Harris!” Pinoe was peeking through the house's back door. “Your kid's nappy is dirty and Ali's already offering to change it, but I think it's a full blow out so maybe you want to go too.”

The blonde laughed and nodded, looking apologetically at Emily, who smiled.

“Go, get our boy's cute little ass cleaned out.”

“Thanks,” Ashlyn pecked her lips, and trotted back inside.

As she walked quickly to find her kid, a sense of relief and calmness filled her all of the sudden. It was as if for once in her life, she knew she was being taken care of, and so was Finlay, by more than one person and together, they'd manage. They'd make it, no matter what.

  
  



	36. False hopes

**Chapter 36: False hopes.**

Ashlyn knew she should've wondered why her parents in law were nowhere to be seen, not heard of, and hadn't appeared for Finlay's birthday as it had been announced they would. She wondered if perhaps Jennifer had misunderstood her parents' intentions, but she knew deep inside that as much as Jennifer could be stupid, she was wicked for those things, which explained her good luck in business, so there had to be something going on.

However, she forgot about it.

Meredith's death anniversary came, absorbing her attention for a while as she navigated the conflicting emotions that came with it, and before she knew it, they were holding a lovely birthday dinner for Ali at the end of July, and then Autumn had come, Finlay was wobbling around the flat and repeating pretty much everything he heard, the beach days in Brighton were over, and Ashlyn's birthday had come with her girlfriend still trying to convince her to party.

“Just something calm,” she was insisting as Emily suggested, not for the first time, holding a big fake surprise party for her. They were talking on the phone while Ashlyn was on a break between cases at the hospital. “Babe, seriously, I'd rather just... you know, Ali's birthday was very nice. Let's just do something like that. I know it's a big number, but think about it at my age, every year is a big one.”

Work was Ashlyn's best birthday present, in any case. Ali and her were working on a new clinical trial Ali had come up with to investigate innovative ways of approaching major traumas in children, so they were basically coming up with less invasive trauma treatments that would improve the chances of survival in kids under ten, as often the major surgeries, performed in the exact same way in adults, had worse results in the smaller bodies of kids. So now, she was way more excited about spending hours brainstorming with Ali than she was about going to a club and dance the night out.

“Emily wants a babysitter,” Ashlyn rambled to her friend Whitney while they ate a sandwich each after a consult. “She says we should go out, have fun, go dance, get drunk, get wild, be young, you know? She says I spend way too much time between taking care of sick kids here and then going home to my own kid—,”

“She's right.”

“—but that's besides the point! My point is, why put my son under the unnecessary trauma of being left with a nanny? Why a big party? I don't like big parties.”

“Really? You used to be the queen of the dance floor back in uni,” Whitney frowned at her and Ashlyn puffed.

“That was twenty year old me...”

“Sure you don't enjoy that anymore? You always said dancing with a chick was like the best thing! Even when you were with Ali.”

They stared at each other and Ashlyn puffed, giving in.

“I just don't want to be away from Finlay. Like, I understand mothers need to have fun, that's important,” Ashlyn came clean. “But I love him. I love spending time with him, even more after spending so much time away, and I'm not going to have that many opportunities to hang out with him on a Monday night before he'd rather have fun with his teenage friends. Spending hours outside of the house wondering if he hates his nanny is not going to help me have fun.”

“I'm sure if you explain Em like that, she'll understand,” her friend patted her shoulder. “I've got rounds. Go get things in order with your girl.”

Ashlyn rolled eyes and nodded. She really liked Emily, like, she really, really liked her, she found her stunning, they wanted the same things, and she felt calm with her, unlike she had felt when Ali had entered that burning building months before, or descended into a subsidence that had suddenly opened on the street the week before, to take care of someone who was trapped and critically injured and who couldn't be rescued until they were stabilized, or a month before, when Ali had climbed to a third-storey balcony to rescue a child who had somehow ended-up hanging from it and the firefighters were taking too long.

Ali was also growing strong with Corm. She had met his family in Belfast, and they adored her, and she adored them too, he had bought her the most stunning purse for her birthday (one she had been drooling after for weeks, because she loved purses, but felt too guilty spending money for) and a weekend in a spa, and he was just wonderful. Even Ashlyn had to admit he was what she deserved.

Then, Kelley came to her, running, and they almost collided.

“Finally found you!” Kelley looked panicked, grabbing her arm. “You have to come now!” she pulled from Ashlyn towards the silver lifts, and Ashlyn barely had time to react.

“What? What the heck Kel?!”

“Ali,” Kelley said as the lift closed with them inside. “Your parents in law tried to get Finlay from daycare. Ali was there, luckily, and they started rowing and Ali, well, she punched your father-in-law so hard she broke his cheekbone.”

“Wait what?!” Ashlyn couldn't believe what she was hearing. “They tried to take my son?!”

“Yes. Abby's already taking care of it.”

As soon as the lift opened they knew the row hadn't solved. Abby was shouting at people to go back to work at the door of daycare, Ali looked agitated, her white-coat had slid down one shoulder and was somewhat misplaced, and Kyle was holding her back while she glared at the two elderly people Abby was keeping a few metres away with the help of a security guard, and people had started to crowd around.

“What's going on?” Ashlyn asked as calm as she could, strolling trying to appear casual, with her hands in her pockets. Her parents-in-law looked livid, with her father-in-law's cheek bruised and fractured, the swelling getting to his eye socket as Abby examined it. They both were glaring at Ali and now they turned to Ashlyn, infuriated. Abby puffed and shook her head, visibly tired of the fights in her hospital.

“Mr and Mrs Delacroix wanted to pick-up their grandson from daycare,” Abby explained. “They were unaware only explicitly authorized people can access the rooms, and tried to force their way in despite the caretakers' petition to leave, so Dr Krieger, who was with the little one, intervened and... some sort of row started.”

“She broke my husband's face!” Mrs Delacroix glared at Ashlyn furiously with bright green eyes, similar to Meredith's. “And you keep that hysterical woman in our grandson's house?! Wait until the judge hears!”

“Oh, just wait until I—!”

“Easy there tiger, don't make things worse,” Kyle restrained his sister, still grabbing her and pulling her back hard. Ashlyn looked between the two, stupefied, and then looked back at her parents-in-law.

“I don't know what you're plotting, but let me make this absolutely clear in case I haven't been clear enough already,” Ashlyn said with cold calmness, lowering her voice and nearing them. “I only ever pulled up with you for Meredith because she was the love of my life, but now she's gone, and I've had enough of the both of you. For all the years I've known you, you've never even tried to hide how much you dislike, disapprove and depreciate me, my relationship with your daughter, and the fact that she loved me. You were so ashamed of being parents of a gay woman, and you've placed the same depreciation, shame and disgust towards our son—,”

“You think you know bloody—!”

“I haven't finished, Ethan,” Ashlyn interrupted the man harshly. “I'm not going to let my son have people near him who think he's a disgusting product of a sinful relationship. I'm not going to let you make him feel any less for being our son. And so, I can't let you be his grandparents, not now, not ever. You never even wanted it and quite honestly, I think you only care now because you want to hurt me, and I'm not going to let you, and I won't let you put a hand on my friends either. That woman there, she's my son's favourite aunt in the world, and she loves him like you won't even know to. She's the one I want near him. Not you.”

“Oh just wait until the judge rules her dangerous around children,” Mrs Delacroix spatted out. Ashlyn snorted and glared at her.

“If you want her away from your grandson it only shows how little you care about him, and just so you know, you'll have to go over my dead body to pull her from us,” Ashlyn murmured coldly, in a way that made the woman feel threatened and step back. “Now take your hatred away from my kid. You're not his grandparents anymore, I'll get a judge to say so happily if it's what it takes to keep him safe from your toxicity, and this is a hospital full of very sick people, Chief Wambach doesn't need to deal with you too. If I see you around here ever again, you better be needing urgent medical attention, or else I'll get security to kick you out and present charges against you for harassment and kidnapping attempt.”

There was a tense silence as they stared angrily at each other and then Abby cleared her throat.

“Mr and Mrs Delacroix, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. The guard will accompany you outside, and since Mr Delacroix is not so bad, he can get checked out in another hospital, since due to your contempt and assault on my doctor, I'm forced to forbid your entrance.”

Ashlyn left them to deal with it and went to Ali, only then noticing she had a split lip. She didn't seem to notice it either, busy giving a murder glare at the older man and woman, and Ashlyn understood what had happened right away. Knowing her in-laws, chances are they were arguing when Delia had probably slapped Ali, as she often did (even to her own daughters) when angry, and Ali had probably bitten back, then Ethan had intervened, and she had punched him.

Now, her hand ascended to gently caress Ali's cheek, driving Ali's attention to her for the first time.

“Are you okay?” Ashlyn asked full of softness and gentleness. Ali nodded, speechless, and Kyle let her loose. “I'm so sorry about this. Come here, I'll check that lip.”

Ali noticed her lip then, touching it with a hand and staring disconcerted at the blood on her fingertips.

“I uh...”

“We'll take our kiddo,” Ashlyn smiled warmly at her, giving her a nod and putting her hand on her shoulder. “We'll be fine. Come.”

Kyle gave her a worried look over Ali's shoulder and Ashlyn nodded at him, mouthing 'I got this' as she guided Ali into the daycare facility. They picked Finlay up and went to an on-call room, locking it and sitting with him on the bed. Ashlyn put him on Ali's lap and, having picked some gauze on their way there, she cleaned Ali's lip nicely while the brunette slowly assimilated what had just happened, as she had run on rage.

“I'm so sorry,” Ali said suddenly, her voice raspy as it often got when she was feeling a lot. “Oh God, I can't believe... he's totally going to sue me for assault. Jesus...”

“She hit you first, didn't she?”

“How did you...?”

“I know the woman, she's a monster,” Ashlyn sighed, finishing with her lip and putting the gauze away. Her son's cheeky face was against Ali's chest and he was falling asleep hugging his sharkie, with her arms around him protectively. “If you hadn't been there, God knows what could've happened. I owe you a huge one, thank you.”

“You're not mad?” Ali seemed surprised.

“Alex, I'm on your team, of course I'm not mad. When Kelley came looking for me, I was worried sick something bad had happened to you or Finn,” Ashlyn smiled warmly. “I'm so glad you're both okay now,” she kissed her temple, putting an arm around her, “I can't live without you.”

Ali let her comfort her in her embrace, automatically soothed by her scent and calming presence.

“You handled them so well. You didn't freak-out.”

“You told me to get my shit together,” Ashlyn kissed the top of her head, rubbing her shoulder soothingly. “I'm trying to be the stoic but firm presence my family needs.”

“You should be proud of yourself.”

“And so should you. The way you've stood up for us... I'm going to spend my life reminding Finlay how much his auntie loves him,” Ashlyn grinned, wrapping her other arm around them too. “I only wish I had seen the punch. Did it feel good?”

Ali snorted a laugh.

“So good I'm getting sued for it.”

“Nah, you're not. There were plenty of witnesses to say you acted on self-defence. I'm sure they won't dare to sue you and risk getting embarrassed by a British judge. But out of curiosity, what happened?”

“I was playing with Finlay,” Ali explained, leaning against her shoulder, “and I heard a commotion in the entry, shouting. I didn't know their voice, but I recognized the receptionist's voice yelling they couldn't come in. And they stormed in anyway, pushing harshly a caretaker. So I stood up to protect the kids, thinking they were, I don't know... and then I saw her eyes and... for a moment I thought I was looking at an older version of Meredith.”

“The meanest version,” Ashlyn joked. “I'm sorry, it's just what they do. It doesn't even surprise me anymore. But now we know why they've been under the radar, they were plotting a way to kidnap him... but they're incredibly impatient, so I guess impatience won.”

“Yeah,” Ali sighed. “Anyway, you should go get showered.”

“Am I smelly?” Ali giggled, shaking her had as she smiled up at her.

“No, silly, for your birthday celebrations.”

“I didn't want a celebration. I'm not leaving Finlay, even less after this, with a—,”

“With a nanny,” Ali finished for her, “I know. Which is why I've been sorting it all out with Emily. You're going out with her, Pinoe, Tobin, Kelley, Whit and Nick, they were the ones available tonight, the others had shifts, sorry. I am going to take Finlay home and look after him, I exchanged shifts with a colleague. So our friends are going to take you dancing and I made them swear they'd send me photos and videos, and you're going to that place you like where Whitney swears you spent most of your university nights, get drunk, and a limo will take you to a hotel with Emily at the end of the night so you can get laid.”

Ashlyn stared at her amazed and touched, feeling not for the first time that Ali always knew what to do, say, and how to lead the way.

“But you cannot do that, you should be part of the party, specially after today.”

“Are you kidding me? After a day like this, staying home hanging out with my best dude is all I need,” Ali chuckled, gently fist-bumping Finlay.

“Are you sure?” Ashlyn trying to convey with her eyes how Ali could tell her anything, and if she really preferred to party with them, she'd arrange something else for Finlay.

“I'm sure. You go have fun, we arranged it all for you.”

“Alex...” Ashlyn shook her head in disbelief. “I can't believe you arranged the whole thing just so I could have fun without my two favourite people.”

“I happen to recall somebody helping my boyfriend find the perfect birthday present for me.”

“How did you...?”

“A girl always knows,” Ali chuckled, and then looked a bit sadly at her, her swollen lip only making the expression more marked. “You've been through enough this year, Emily wanted you to have just one night without worries, and I knew what you needed to have that. It's my pleasure.”

“I believe you,” Ashlyn nodded. “All right then I better get ready. Thank you.”

“Go have fun for us. Come on Finney, tell Mama bye bye,” Ali waved his hand towards her.

“Mama buh buh,” Finlay moved to kiss her cheek and Ashlyn smiled. “Mama wuv you.”

“I love you too, my sweetest man,” Ashlyn kissed his cheek. She knew he'd be just fine with Ali. “Okay, bye,” Ashlyn kissed her cheek too, “have fun, and call me if you need me.”

“Will do, now go, I don't want to see you until morning, and you better be very sexually satisfied.”

Ashlyn's laughter still resonated as the door closed, and Ali grinned at the boy in her lap, holding him close before kissing the top of his head. There was nowhere else she'd rather be.

  
  



	37. The truth is revealed

**Chapter 37: The truth is revealed.**

Ashlyn and Emily laughed, holding hands, as they walked over to Ashlyn's flat. They were drunk and had had way too much fun, cake included, but when the limousine came to pick them up and take them to a hotel, Emily gave the flat's address, commenting that Ashlyn would probably want to wish her son goodnight. Ashlyn had felt such urge to do so, but hadn't said anything afraid of ruining the night, so she was incredibly thankful Emily had had such sweet gesture. Ashlyn had called in advance, but Ali hadn't picked-up and, given the hour, they assumed she was in bed already.

“You should've seen the way she left Ethan Delacroix's face, the guy will never be the same,” Ashlyn imitated a punch in the air as they walked out of the lift, making Emily giggle.

“So badass, can't believe we missed all the action!”

“Poor timing babe,” Ashlyn kissed the back of her hand, grinning, feeling happier and freer than she had in a very long time. Things with Emily were so relaxed, so worry-free, her therapist was so happy with her lately.

She turned to open her door, and as she went to slide the key inside, she noticed something odd. Where the lock should be, there was a hole closed with tape. She scowled, ripping the tape off.

“What's that?” Emily asked.

“Stay out here and call 999. I don't like this one bit,” Ashlyn said. She could hear Ali's disc of 'The Script' playing inside, loud enough for the murmur to reach, but it was dark through the hole. A soft push was enough to open the door. “Ali? Finn?” she inquired, turning the light on.

Her entry came into view and everything looked normal. The little table by the front door still had the bit of cash they always stocked on it for urgent things, Ali's keys next to that, the built-in coat and shoes closet closed on a side.

“Alex?!” Ashlyn tried again. She opened the sliding glass door, that was usually kept open, and found her dinning-living room was pitch black. “Alex!” Fully scowling now, she turned the light on again and her jaw dropped.

The room was a mess. The dinning table was broken, the chairs were scattered all over, some broken, the glass coffee table was pushed to a side, there were blood drops on the floor, and all the doors, the kitchen, bedrooms, bathroom doors, were open wide as if someone had stormed on them. The music player, however, played 'The Script' at a loud volume from its place in a bookshelf by the TV furniture, even though the TV had been pushed to the floor and was broken.

But where her eyes glued with horror was all the blood on top of the dinning table's pieces, where Ali lied sprawled, unconscious, with blood covering her neck and check, a pool already forming around her, with her face white in contrast with her dark, long hair, and with all the bruises and cuts that covered her face. A big kitchen knife lied on the floor nearby.

“ALEX! EMILY, HELP!” Ashlyn scrambled to the floor, her heart hammering in panic, and gently slapped Ali. “Alex, Alex wake up, come on, don't do this to me!” she felt for her pulse in her wrist, finding it was faint, and then she realized her throat was slit open, and she pressed both her hands there.

“Oh my God,” Emily had rushed in, and was horrified. “Oh no! Finlay! FINN!”

“Turn the damn music off and perhaps we can hear him!” Ashlyn said, unable to think with the loud music. “And be careful! We may not be alone.”

Emily turned the music off harshly and started running around trying to find the baby, while Ashlyn quickly removed her jacket to make pressure in Ali's neck's bleeding.

“He's nowhere! The rooms are empty! Closets, under the beds, everything!” Emily returned, panicking. “Oh my God, is she...”

“No, but did you call 999?”

“Yes, I told them we had a robbery, police is coming... I just called for an ambulance too while checking for Finn but... God, where is he?!”

“Shut up! I can't think with you panicking!”

Ashlyn clenched her eyes shut and then they both heard it. A soft whimpering, a baby crying, upstairs in the attic. Her eyes popped open. With the music, it was impossible to hear, but now Emily was running to get the stick they had in a kitchen closet to reach and open the small trap door that released a ladder and allowed to go up. The trap door wasn't easy to see if you didn't look explicitly for it, because when painting the ceiling, it had become quite dissimulated, the way Ashlyn liked it because she found it ugly otherwise.

Within minutes, Finlay's crying had invaded the room and made Ashlyn cried out of released anguish and relief, and Emily was bouncing him around the living, room, eyes glued on Ali, trying to soothe him.

“He's completely fine,” Emily assured Ashlyn. “He was inside a big box, between Meredith's encyclopedias, hidden.”

“Ali put him somewhere safe, that's why the music was sounding,” Ashlyn reasoned. “The door was perforated, she heard them coming, probably was upstairs cleaning or getting more nappies or something from the storage, so she hid him, put the music so his cries wouldn't be heard, and perhaps had enough time to grab that knife... but they must've outnumbered her, she's a good fighter... Don't let him see!”

“Help is coming,” Emily hugged Finlay close. “Do you hear that Ali? You can't die on us!”

They phoned 999 again so Ashlyn could detail the extent of what was going on and get specific help for Ali, with an extra ambulance rushing as fast as possible and Ali taking all priority, and finally the paramedics and police came.

**. . .**

Whitney took Finlay home, where she and her husband Ryan would look after him as if he was their own son, and keep him safe. Ashlyn was fairly sure no one knew where they lived, and even if anyone found out, there was a police station right by their house that made her feel more at ease.

That left Emily, Ashlyn, Kyle, Abby, Cormac, Heather and Nick stood around Ali's bed in the ICU, staring anxiously at her. She was intubated, and they had been able, by then, to figure just how hard the fight must've been. She had three broken fingers, a leg fracture, a dislocated shoulder and elbow, four fractured ribs, one of which had punctured her lung and another had punctured her liver, a mid concussion, a broken cheekbone, a broken eye socket, bruises everywhere, and a slit throat that thankfully hadn't reached her trachea, but had slit her aorta and she had lost a lot of blood, requiring a transfusion. She was so bruised and swollen that it was hard to recognize her.

“They came for our lives,” Ashlyn said at last, her voice hoarse. She had washed her hands twice of Ali's blood, and still could feel its warmth between her fingers, but the revelation came in her mind. “Nothing was stolen. The other rooms weren't touched. They must've thought we were asleep, and they were already in when they noticed there was someone awake inside, so they kept going, thinking of finishing us all, likely... they tried to kill Ali, and then they closed the entry door with the music on because the music would also keep neighbours from hearing any attempts Ali could do of shouting for help, and taped the hole in the main door so that unless someone paid attention, it wouldn't be obvious the door was open. They knew she wasn't dead. They wanted for her to bleed out. They had the time to get our credit cards, our jewellery, our money... but they didn't even touch the bit of cash we have in the entry. It wasn't a robbery.”

“But why?” Cormac inquired horrified. “Why?”

“I've no idea, but when I find out I'll kill whoever it's responsible. God, I should've been home...”

“Then you'd be dead too, and by the time anyone found you, it'd be way too late,” Kyle reasoned, pale just from the scare. “Thank heavens Emily thought of returning to the flat instead of the hotel...”

Ashlyn shuddered just from the thought of returning home happily in the morning to find Ali bleed out to dead and Finlay probably dead from a heart attack out of fear, or starvation, or hypothermia.

Ali's eyes started to open as she immediately tried to speak, and Abby rushed to her, soothing her verbally while slowly retiring the tube from her neck, checking she could breathe on her own despite her bandaged neck. She was already making efforts to speak.

“Calm down baby, you're hurt, you need to rest,” Cormac spoke gently, rubbing a thumb soothingly on the back of one of her hands.

“Fi.... Finn...” Ali murmured hoarsely, stopping herself to cough and then groan in pain.

“It's okay Alex,” Ashlyn walked closer and caressed her cheek gently. Ali's eyes quickly flew to her, full of urgency. “He is okay. You did it. You saved Finlay's life. You saved him. And now he's perfectly fine, having a sleepover somewhere safe. He's safe. I promise you.”

A sigh of relief escaped Ali's lips and she nodded briefly, groaning and shutting her eyes close.

“Now, sis, you just rest, okay?” Kyle tucked her in better. “Please, try to get some sleep. We'll be right here.”

For the next couple days, Ali was never left alone. They put an oxygen cannula for her to breathe better, and bent the upper part of her bed a bit upwards with plenty of pillows for her comfort. Ashlyn brought her favourite blanket from home, and once she was moved to her own room, it was one soon filled with flower bouquets, get well cards, and constant visits, which was why Ashlyn was somewhat surprised to find her alone when, on the third day, she came inside with Finlay.

Ali seemed asleep for a moment, until her eyes blinked open, slowly, and she smiled weakly.

“Hi,” Ali murmured.

“Hi,” Ashlyn grinned, “someone really wanted Auntie.”

“O'ty,” Finlay said, convinced he was saying the exact same thing. Ali chuckled and looked at him, weakly reaching her broken hand, whose arm was fine, towards him.

“My favourite dude...”

“He owes you his life now,” Ashlyn approached her, carefully sitting on the edge of the bed and letting him lean forwards and kiss her cheek, which almost made Ali cry.

“I'd be happy to give mine for his,” Ali grinned when his nose brushed hers as he examined the cannula full of curiosity.

“How are you feeling?”

“Beaten,” Ali smiled sadly. “Corm was just here with Kyle, but Kyle had to check on some patients and I convinced Corm to go to work as well. I know you're all anxious about me being alone,” she added with a knowing smirk, “but I'm stable. The best doctors in the world operated on me, I'll be just fine.”

Ashlyn nodded, moving a strand of dark brown hair off Ali's face.

“What happened, Alex?”

They hadn't known a thing yet. Ali had spoken with the police only the night before, when she had started to feel strong enough, but they hadn't wanted to push her.

“Finlay ran out of nappies, and I knew we still had a couple boxes upstairs,” Ali murmured slowly. Her voice was still weak. “I heard... like... a machine sound at the door, and after a moment, felt someone was trying to break in. So I hid Finlay and once I was downstairs, I heard the hole being made in the door. So I turned the music on, because Finlay was crying, and grabbed a knife. I thought they'd leave when they saw I was awake.”

“It would be what a burglar would do,” Ashlyn nodded.

“But I don't think they were trying to steal...” Ali cleared her throat, groaned in pain for a moment from the effort, but continued. “The rest is foggy. They might've been five, perhaps more... we had a major fight... shit, I think we destroyed the flat.”

Ashlyn snorted a laugh, shaking her head.

“It's fine. You saved Finlay's life, you can do anything.” Ali side-smiled weakly. “Did they say anything?”

“I'm not sure... but they kept asking for Finlay, I do remember that clearly... they were insistent. They were making so much noise, with the music, breaking things, all our shouting and screams... if Mrs Patterson wasn't pretty much deaf, she would've come,” Ali was talking of their nearest neighbour, an octogenarian. “I refused to answer and... they broke my fingers. Started trying to torture me or something. Threatening.”

“And you didn't give in,” Ashlyn murmured, shocked.

“Of course I didn't,” Ali frowned lightly. “That boy is my family. I wouldn't forgive myself if I failed to keep him safe. I can withstand pain, I'm not afraid of it, nor death either, but I can't let him get hurt on my face, when you trusted me to keep him safe.”

Ashlyn frowned, hating the position Ali had been in and what she had gone through. She didn't even want to imagine the attackers throwing her around the living room like a piece of cloth, breaking her... the mere thought made her fists clench with anger.

“I will find out who hurt you, and I'll make them wish they hadn't been born. I promise,” she carefully caressed Ali's hair coming from below a thick bandage wrapped around her head, and delicately kissed her forehead. “You just focus on getting better so this one and I can pamper you proper really soon, okay?”

Ali smiled small and nodded a little. She looked down at Finlay for a moment and then up at her, her expression changing so slightly someone who didn't know her so well wouldn't have seen the sadness that crossed her eyes for a moment.

“I think the flat is not safe anymore, Ash. You have to take him out of it. Whoever came, they'll try to finish what they started and they know where you live and that it's just you and Finn now.”

“I know,” Ashlyn nodded. She had already been thinking about it, and had started to see some new properties on her time free. “I think I've found a nice new place, but I wanted to ask... if I buy a fancy penthouse on a sixth and fifth storey, with a beautiful patio, will you come with me? I like you as a flatmate.”

The brunette chuckled, then grimaced slightly as the chuckling hurt her.

“Don't you want to move in with Emily?”

“What? After only dating for four months or so? No! I'm more of keeping what's good.”

Ali pretended to think about it, and looked amused.

“Will my bedroom be bigger?”

“King-size bed and all. And Finlay will have his own room, now that he's starting to walk and accumulate far too many toys. It's a beautiful penthouse by the riverside, in Lambeth. Bit expensive, but I have some big savings.”

Ashlyn manoeuvred Finlay with one arm and grabbing her phone with her free hand, showed Ali all the photos she had taken of the luxurious, modern but with a hint of rustic, penthouse, and the views of the river from it. Ali stared attentively, curious, and Ashlyn chuckled as her jaw dropped a little. The lower floor had a kitchen about the size of their old one, with an adjacent, luminous kitchen, then separated was a big living room with an exposed brick wall and beautiful windows, plus a toilet, a storage room, an office and a laundry room. The upper floor was accessed through a stairwell divided in three small flights, and it had five bedrooms, two of them quite big and the others more average, a toilet, two full bathrooms, and also great views. The upper floor also looked a little more cosy and rustic, while the lower one looked more luminous and modern.

“Ash, this is gorgeous, there's no way I can afford this...”

“Don't worry about the money,” Ashlyn smirked. “You can pay the same you've always paid a month, and I'll deal with the rest. Don't you worry.”

“I don't think I'm comfortable with that, Ash. Before we paid fifty fifty. This would be at least...” Ali looked sleepy at the phone, one eye half closed due to the swelling of her face that was still present. “Fifteen eighty-five? Totally unbalanced.”

Ashlyn pursed her lips and shrugged.

“Come on Al... just... look, I'll buy it, okay? Hundred percent, my deal. You can live with us as if we rented you the flat with us in it, for the same price you always paid. Come on, I don't even care about money—,”

“I do.”

“You shouldn't let it be the reason you don't tag along with Finlay and I for another while. Think about it, you can live where you deserve to live, for a while, and save up for dunno, marrying Cormac one day.”

They stared at each other for a moment, while Finlay toyed with the locks of Ali's hair that fell over her chest as she lied down.

“I'm tired,” Ali whispered, and Ashlyn nodded, standing up with the baby.

“We'll let you rest. Take care,” she kissed her cheek.

“O'ty,” Finlay called extending a hand to Ali.

“We will see Auntie Ali in a little bit,” Ashlyn told her son, letting him carefully lean to kiss Ali.

“I love you Finney, see you soon,” Ali smiled weakly at him.

As Ashlyn closed the door quietly behind them, leaving Ali behind, she looked down at the pictures in her phone. Living with Ali was just exciting for her, and she wanted to take advantage of the little longer they had until each would start wanting to live with their partners... why didn't Ali want the same?

  
  



	38. Seeking

**Chapter 38: Seeking.**

Ali was in the hospital for three long weeks, as it seemed like every good day she had was followed by two down, bad days. But at last, it came time for her to be discharged and, with Ashlyn having sold their old flat after repairing the front door and cleaning it up, and living now in her new penthouse, Ali decided to go to her brother's. Kyle and his boyfriend lived in a beautiful studio in Brixton, and he had a guest room Ali had frequently occupied. Ali was thinking of getting her own place, but she'd wait until she was completely fit. For now, she was just under a lot of pain still, walking with the help of a cane while her leg recovered, with her hand recovering through physiotherapy and frequent headaches, a thin line on her throat reminding her every day of what she'd gone through, and nightmares clouding every bit of sleep she could get, so she wasn't fit to start looking for a new place.

“I still don't know why you insist on living on your own. You shouldn't, not while you're recovering,” Ali's mother Debbie said once more as Ali cuddled on Kyle and Jason's sofa with her laptop, one-handedly googling box-sized flats. “You earn less than eight thousand pounds a month, you can get yourself a nice place in a year or so, it can wait.” Debbie came over with a tray of tea and biscuits.

“I can afford a good place, I've been living with other people for far too long,” Ali argued tiredly. “I was living in a perfectly nice flat I only moved out of because I was struggling with my mental health, and now I am recovered and can go back to it. I'm done taking advantage of other people's kindness and money, and as much as Ashlyn insists, and as much as I loved living with them, it's time, I'm too old to share flat and she'll be wanting to share hers with Emily soon anyway.”

Now Ali was thirty-two, and painfully aware it was Ashlyn's former wife's same age, had she lived to turn them, while Ashlyn was as old as her wife had been when she died. They both had an age to start figuring life out on their own, and for Ali, she really wanted to feel strong and independent again.

“So you think you're better mentally now that you hardly sleep,” Kyle commented, enjoying his day off by playing on the rug with his dog, Angus. “Hmm... interesting.”

Ali glared at him.

“I have to agree with your brother, you've barely been back in England for a little less than a year, from the army, you could use a flatmate, some extra support, love,” Debbie tried, handing her daughter a biscuit.

“I am fine.”

“You could also move in with me,” Cormac had been silently observing, sitting next to Ali, who now looked at him with wide eyes. “Come on babe, I love spending time with you, we're always at each other's place, you could move in with me, or we could get our own place together. I know we've only been together for a little while,” he added, seeing she was about to object. “But we can give it a trial period, and if in the end you still want to have your own place because it's important to you, you can still do that and no hard feelings. And if you decide you actually want to stay living with me, you'll save...” Cormac looked at the screen. “A few thousands a month. We can find somewhere nice together, pay it fifty-fifty if it makes you feel better.”

Ali looked thoughtful at him. She knew Ashlyn had money because Meredith had left her a good bunch in her will, for her and Finlay to be well-off without her, and Cormac had money because he worked at a private practice and was super well paid, he had a beautiful, gorgeous house, and she couldn't believe he was willing to give it up for her.

“Would you really sell your beautiful, enormous, huge house, to move into a tiny flat with me?”

Cormac gave her a grin with his perfect teeth, and a wavy lock of blonde hair fell over his forehead.

“Baby, of course! I only bought that house because my Mum saw it on a magazine and insisted I should get it, I never liked it that much... I'd much rather be with you. We could get some cosy, tiny flat, decorate it whichever way we both like, paint it ourselves, make it our nest. We could even have a room just for you so you can have your own private space when you need it.”

“Can we?”

“Sure! It's our place, it can be whatever we want it to be.”

Ali couldn't help but beam. He sounded so sincere, so excited, and he had been nothing but utterly supportive with her. He had been there day in day out, helping her with her medicines, her casts, brushing her hair, washing, helping her get dressed, moving her things from Ashlyn's place... he was a dream of a man, and he was clean, organized, and had similar tastes to hers. And she was sick of looking for a place for herself.

“Yes,” Ali sentenced. “Yes! Can we? You sell that gigantic house and we get our own little place?”

The smile Cormac was sporting grew so big he giggled.

“YES!”

“WHAT?!” It was late at night and Ashlyn and Kyle had coincided in a shift at the hospital. She had causally asked about his little sister, and he had informed her how enthusiastically Ali and Cormac were looking for a flat for themselves like crazy. Something tiny, so they could clean it fast, with a couple bedrooms, so they could have a guest over now and then, cosy, like a nest, but clean looking and luminous, somewhere with views, but not immersed in the city, and maybe a good balcony to put a mini vegetables garden. “SHE REFUSES TO LIVE WITH ME AND FINN ONLY TO MOVE WITH A GUY SHE BARELY KNOWS?!” Ashlyn was indignant, and Kyle was astonished.

“Girl, calm down. They're like, falling in love or something. They've been dating for months, have survived the summer, which is always the fateful time for relationships,” Kyle put an arm around her, guiding her towards the stairwell so they had some privacy. “They look really happy together, why are you so pissed off?”

“I have a son who asks me about his auntie every single day, and I knew the time would come for her to move out, but come on,” Ashlyn puffed like a pissed-off dog. “She didn't even give me a real reason not to move in with me! It's like my penthouse is not cool because it's too luxurious or something well excuse me, I like a certain level of luxury in my house when I come back from spending days in a hospital.”

The pair turned around the corner and suddenly found themselves face to face with Chief Wambach and a tall man wearing a suit.

“Ah, Doctor Harris, I finally find you,” Abby said with relief.

“I'll catch up with you later,” Kyle patted Ashlyn's back, and walked away.

“How can I help you?” Ashlyn inquired.

“Dr Harris, I'm Detective Inspector Russell Rigsby, from the Met. I'm investigating the assault at your flat nearly a month ago, when your flatmate Dr Alexandra Krieger was gravely injured.”

“Oh, fantastic,” Ashlyn nodded.

“I was hoping I could ask you some questions.”

“Yes, surely...”

“Get a meetings' room,” Abby told Ashlyn. “Nice to meet you Detective Rigsby.”

The policeman and Ashlyn walked over to one of the rooms regularly used for meetings, sitting around a huge long table to talk. Ashlyn waited for him to start, as he pulled out a notebook and a pen to make notes.

“At the time of the attack, Dr Krieger mentioned you were out for your birthday party, right?”

“Yes, I'm thirty-one now,” Ashlyn nodded.

“She said you weren't planning to return until the morning, what happened?”

“I missed my son, who Dr Krieger was babysitting. He's a year old, I'm not used to leaving him and it's still a bit hard, so I wanted to kiss him goodnight.”

“And you found a hole in the door?”

“Yes, I found it just as you saw. Well, it had tape on it, black tape, I took it off to see inside.”

“But no stolen items were reported?”

“None,” Ashlyn shrugged. “My collection of Tag Heuer watches was intact, Ali's jewels, my late wife's stuff... nothing was missing.”

“This indicates it's most likely that the attack was organized in order to murder Dr Krieger, you or your kid, or all of you. For what we saw, it all looks like a professional did it. No fingerprints, no clues...”

“Before you ask, I've got no idea who could want to hurt us. Not a lot of people even know my address there. My sister-in-law has it on her phone, a few friends, some colleagues... it's on my hospital files, but only the Chief has access to those. And I suppose Ali shared it with her family, friends, her partner...”

“Her partner?”

“Dr Cormac Brennan, he's a therapist in a private practice,” Ashlyn explained. “They've been dating for a while, good guy.”

“So you don't know anyone who perhaps had any sort of grudge with you three? Perhaps Dr Krieger owed someone some money.”

“Ali owing money? Nah, the girl is always lending money to whoever needs it, in any case someone would owe her,” Ashlyn shrugged, thoughtful. “I don't know, there was this guy who assaulted me, but he's in prison. And Ali dated this dickhead who works here and they ended in bad terms a little, but she told me you already spoke to him, so nothing new. All I can think of is maybe... but it couldn't be...”

“No, go on.”

Ashlyn sighed.

“I don't get along with my parents in law. Ethan and Sonya Delacroix, they're a nightmare, but they usually live in NYC in the States. Anyway,” Ashlyn explained, “not long before the attack we had a big row. They tried to steal my son from daycare here, now they're banned in the hospital. Ali was with my kid at the time, and if it wasn't for her, they would've gotten hands on him. She broke Ethan Delacroix's cheek after his wife slapped her.”

“So your child's grandparents are estranged but trying to recover him?”

“They've always hated me, they're homophobic, always accused me of making their daughter come to the dark side when she married me or something, and considered the son we had together a product of a sin, a disgusting thing to happen. So they never really had a relationship. My wife died a week after giving birth to our child,” Ashlyn explained. “I lived with him in New York for a while, saw the in-laws often, but they always seemed just disgusted by us. My wife had wanted us to get along but... it wasn't happening. So I returned to London, with my kid, and I knew nothing of them for nearly a year, when they started threatening with taking my son from me, to hurt me, you know. My sister-in-law warned me, she knows her parents aren't good for my kid. But things have been tense and after they burst in here, getting aggressive and all... I told them one more stupid thing and I'd present legal charges.”

“Are they too old, I imagine, to do something like this attack?”

“Definitely,” Ashlyn nodded. “However, they're scandalously rich. The Delacroix hotels? Theirs.”

“So they could hire professionals.”

“I guess.”

“All right, thank you very much Dr Harris, that'll be all.”

The days that followed were very weird. Police were still investigating things, and in the meantime Ali insisted she would love to move in with Cormac, and they were sickeningly cute planning everything. In a matter of a couple weeks, they had obtained keys to a beautiful little flat, and when Ashlyn appeared, after Cormac texted her he was at work and 'Ali would love some company', with a bottle of Scotch, Ali was just odd to her.

First of all, she was grinning, but she was sporting the biggest bags under her eyes and wearing sports clothes, her hand in a bandage for rehabilitation. Second of all, she was cooking, and third of all, she seemed to pretend she wasn't struggling with PTSD.

“You shouldn't have bothered, I'm totally fine. Where's Finlay anyway?” Ali put the bottle of Scotch in the fridge and returned her attention to the chicken she had on the stove.

“He's with Corey and Britt, cousins' playdate or something. He's fully walking now, Ali, look, I've got it recor—,”

“It's fine,” Ali smiled small, and Ashlyn was taken aback.

“You don't want to see?”

“I've already seen him wobbling around, you can show me when I'm not busy.”

Ashlyn frowned. This wasn't like Ali.

“Are you really happy here with Corm?”

“I am. And I would be much happier if you, Kyle, my Mum and my Dad didn't spend every free moment questioning my choices and bombarding with the same questions,” Ali said defensively, catching Ashlyn off guard.

“I'm not doubting you Al, come on,” Ashlyn sighed in defeat. “I just miss you, and Finn misses you, and I hate that something terrible happened and it made you not want to get close to us anymore.”

“It's not that I don't want to get close,” Ali turned the stove off and turned to face her. “I'm just trying to find my own place, Ash. Walk my own path, figure my life out. I miss you guys too, but I need more, I need something mine.”

“I just feel like I'm losing you, Alex.”

They stared at each other intently for a moment, both thoughtful, and then Ashlyn got up and after a small sad smile, started to walk out.

“Ash...”

“Nice flat, I hope your recovery keeps going smoothly. Enjoy the Scotch.”

Without another word, she walked out the flat. Ali didn't follow.

  
  



	39. A period of change

**Chapter 39: A period of change.**

On 2020's holiday period, Emily was working at the family's pub helping out, because they always had so many clients then, and she didn't have to teach during the holidays. Because she'd be there, Ashlyn decided she'd work extra shifts and cover the holidays at the hospital too, so she'd be close and they could ring the new year together with a bottle of wine. She wasn't feeling like returning to Brighton with the ghost of her brother anyway.

On the other hand, Ali and Cormac had initially planned to go to his for Christmas, so Ali could get closer to his family, but she wasn't hundred percent good yet for a trip to Ireland, and since Cormac was an only child and his parents weren't available -one had died in an accident at work a couple years before, and the other had Alzheimer's Disease and no longer recognized him- which meant it all came down to his cousins, uncles and aunts, it wasn't a big deal for him to miss Christmas there. This meant that instead, they were going to spend it with Ali's mother's family in Bristol, and Ashlyn would have lunch with Emily and her family before going to work for the evening, leaving Finlay with Heather and her husband Dave Werry.

In the end, between one thing and another, Ashlyn didn't see Ali until, in the very first days of the new year, she appeared by the hospital, in uniform though with a bandaged hand, as it wasn't absolutely great for surgery but she was okay enough to teach, supervise, oversee, and do consults, as well as working in research and the lab.

“Hey you,” Ashlyn grinned, catching her as the younger doctor was leaving the Paeds ward after a consult and the older one was walking towards the ward. Ali seemed a little distraught, but when she heard her and turned to her, immediately smiled small. “Happy new year! How was Bristol?”

“Oh, fantastic,” Ali nodded, timid, “yeah, happy new year. How've you been?” they had lately grown apart some. They barely hung out anymore, and Ashlyn felt some sort of strain between them, since the attack, that she couldn't quite explain.

“Fine,” Ashlyn replied with a shrug. She didn't know what she was expecting after over a month of not seeing who had been her bestie, but this standing around awkwardly was certainly not it.

“Good,” Ali nodded again, biting her lip softly. She had her hands inside her pockets and looked down for a moment. Hating the way their relationship was now and frustrated by the lack of logic for that, Ashlyn prepared to go.

“Anyway, glad to have you back in these halls,” rather frustrated, Ashlyn turned on her heels, clenching her jaw, and started to walk to the lift.

Ali watched her for a moment, with a sad frown, hating her inability to make Ashlyn happy but also not knowing how to feel as if nothing had changed between them.

“I went back to therapy,” she found herself saying suddenly, loud enough for Ashlyn to hear. The blonde stopped and turned, raising a questioning eyebrow. Ali shyly shifted her weight from one foot to the other. “For the PTSD. Luckily Corm helps a lot too, but he cannot be my therapist, he's far too close. And uh... I got Finlay a little something from Bristol. It's silly, but...” she pulled her hand out of her pocket and showed Ashlyn a small triceratops toy. “It's soft, because I know he's getting everything into his mouth.” She walked towards Ashlyn with hesitation and extended the toy towards her.

Ashlyn nodded and took it, shoving it in her coat pocket.

“I'm sure he'll appreciate it. He'd be happier if his auntie didn't pass from him, but hey...” Ashlyn forced a half smile. “Kids need to learn disappointment too, right?”

Ali's expression turned troubled and she looked down, ashamed.

“I didn't mean to hurt him.”

“Yeah well. Listen, I can't be mad, because you saved his life and I owe you far too much,” Ashlyn murmured tiredly. “But he used to call you when he was upset. For the past couple weeks, however, I haven't heard him say 'Auntie' or 'Ali' even once. It's your choice what you want to lose.”

This time Ali didn't stop her from leaving, and a couple hours later, she was having lunch with her friends Heather and Sydney, sitting in the cafeteria while it snowed outside.

“Hi Ash,” Sydney smiled at her, with dark eyes fixing on her full of kindness and affection. “Ali's back, did you see? She and Corm had dinner with us last night.”

“Yes, we crossed paths before,” Ashlyn commented nonchalantly. Sydney picked-up on her frustrated tone.

“She's been struggling a little, but she's trying really hard.”

“You're not mad are you?” asked Heather over her sandwich, looking at her as well while Ashlyn toyed with some macaroni.

“I can't be mad, I owe her too much,” Ashlyn grumbled. “It's just... I don't get it. She pushed us away. I told her to come live with me and she said anything as long as I'd accept she wasn't coming. She never even gave an explanation, it's like Finlay and I are the pest all of the sudden or something. I don't even know if perhaps she doesn't feel safe with us anymore. And now she's all happy hippo living with Cormac, who she barely knows, and he's her go to now, and she follows him to wherever the fuck he wants to go and forgets those of us who've been there for a year!” her tone had been elevating charged with frustration as she spoke.

“Well you're one to judge,” Heather commented casually.

“What do you mean?!”

“Ash, come on,” Heather rolled eyes at her, impatient. “Your wife got critically sick and you flew the country with her without a second word. You return home after nearly two years, and we didn't even see you until you came to work. Not a call, not a text... because you were mourning, processing. Ali hasn't had a minute. She went through horrible shit in the Army, then came here just to have the bullshit she had with that dude she dated, with Pugh hurting you and she getting caught in the middle, and on top of things now she almost got killed.”

“The woman runs into buildings on flames, it's not like she isn't used to craz—,”

“It's not the same,” Sydney argued. “When she does those things, she controls the situation, she chooses to get there. All these things with the men and assault... she didn't choose that. Hao's point is simply that we all do unexpected stuff when we're grieving or going through a lot of shit. You were deadly quiet for weeks after Chris, months dead silent after Mer... cut her some slack. She needs you. She's just unable to know how to be with you and Finlay when she barely knows how to be on her own, she tried to get some space to figure things out, she tried to protect you and not come around until she felt she could be better for you both... but just like you needed your friends to stick around for you despite your bullshit and how you abandoned everyone for over a year and weren't there for them, just like you became a terrible friend and yet you needed to be forgiven and for them to reach out to you and help you, even against your will... somehow, so does she.”

Ashlyn let a long sigh out and nodded. Her friends were right, she had to get over her resentment and see what she could do.

As she suspected, when an hour later she had time to grab muffins and coffee and appear at the research lab, Ali was there, face against the microscope. The brunette jerked up when she heard the door, and calmed when she saw Ashlyn.

“Sorry,” Ashlyn lifted the stuff she had brought. “I figured you must be hungry.”

“Thank you,” Ali smiled shyly.

Ashlyn sat next to her and observed her documents, handing her the coffee and food.

“Looks interesting.”

“Yeah, it's just... I'm brainstorming what we were thinking of less invasive emergency surgeries for children in trauma. I think if I could create a couple new tools... I could do more.”

“Well have some food, you'll see you think even better after,” Ashlyn managed a small smile and patted her knee. “You should come over for lunch tomorrow, bring Cormac if you want. Finlay will be super excited, and so will I.”

“I don't know, Ash... I'm not the best company right now. Please don't be mad, it's not you, it's just—,”

“When Meredith died,” Ashlyn interrupted her. “I didn't sleep for weeks. It wasn't just the fact that I was grieving and taking care of a newborn all alone, I realized I was traumatized. If a loved-one got a tiny bit sick, my anxiety would go over the roof thinking they'd die, if Finlay grew a new mole I worried about skin cancer, if he didn't cry I worried too. I was always worrying, constantly, and anxious, and restless, and tired as hell. It's not funny to be so tired when you're responsible of a child and having to fight sudden urges to get high or drunk or all at once, let me tell you, and I was so afraid I'd go through all of that hell again when Christopher died. But somehow, you knew what to do. You knew what to say. You took care of me, and in a few days I was back in the game. I only wish I knew what to say that well too, but...” she shrugged. “I don't know. All I know to tell you is that I get it. You're in hell. You can't sleep, you can't eat, you can't think, and you just want everyone to leave you the hell alone and we won't. But Alex, you didn't expect me to be okay with things I couldn't possibly be okay with, and neither do Finlay and I. If we invite you over, it's not to entertain us and amuse us... it's because we care a big lot about you, and we want a chance to pamper you, hold you, and stand by you.”

Ali smiled small and looked down, holding her coffee. Ashlyn nudged her playfully and Ali looked up at her.

“I never really got into toxic things when struggling.”

“Really?”

“Really,” Ali half shrugged. “At least not alcohol, or drugs, or self-harm... none of the things you or Kyle did. I just... when my parents divorced I couldn't go to them saying I was struggling with it because they'd feel guilty.”

“Right.”

“So I'd want to go to Kyle, but he was struggling with his sexuality, our environment was so homophobic and harmful... he was starting to go downhill, then he finally did, so I couldn't count on him for many years. I've got great friends from my childhood, but it always felt like... like none of them could possibly understand. So I got used to going solo, keeping things for myself, in the army it came in handy. And now I'm back in London and everyone wants to hear what I feel or whatever... and I can't share that. I can't, because I can't make it make sense for you all. None of you understand what I lived in the army, or the fear I had with the attack, so, so scared Finlay would die... I don't even feel a need to talk about things anymore, Ash. I get home at the end of the day, so tired, so done, so... defeated. Unpacking feelings then it's just like, it doesn't work. But when Cormac holds me then, words become unnecessary. And he holds me tight, and it feels like he pulls my pieces back together and makes me warm again, so that when the morning comes, it's a little less hard each time.”

Wordlessly, Ashlyn smiled and leaned forward, wrapping her arms around her and holding her tight. Ali put her coffee aside and grinned, hugging her back, enjoying the familiar embrace.

“I'm sorry you got hurt in a place that I thought I had made safe,” Ashlyn whispered, pressing her lips against Ali's temple.

“It wasn't your fault.”

“I know. But I am sorry. And so glad you're safe now.”

“Police still have no clue what happened though.”

“They'll figure it out,” Ashlyn cupped her cheeks and grinned warmly. “Come get me next time I can hug you.”

“Ass,” Ali pulled her back into the hug. “You should never stop.”

“Not sure Corm will fancy that,” Ashlyn nuzzled into her neck, loving the embrace too much.

“He'll be okay,” Ali tightened the hug for a moment. “I need to ask you something, and you can only answer yes.”

“Oh, well that makes things easy,” Ashlyn joked.

“I need you to be the godmother of my child. Not officially, I'm not one for baptisms, but honorary.”

Stiffening, Ashlyn slowly separated and stared intently at Ali, frozen. Ali looked at her nervously, anxiously waiting for a reaction, chewing on her lip. Without words, Ashlyn knew what Ali meant. She was pregnant.

“I assume Cormac wants the child?”

Ali nodded firmly.

“Only the both of you know. I told him last night,” Ali smiled small. “He's already so excited about preparing a baby room in our tiny flat, looking at cute onesies and all... and I'm excited too. I want this kid. Cormac is an unbelievable man and partner, I think... I think I'm in love with him, isn't that crazy? We haven't even been together a year... But he's just... he's phenomenal. And he treats me right. And I know he's going to be a fantastic, wonderful father, I know it in my gut, so it doesn't matter if one day we break-up or not... I know he'll continue to be a fantastic presence in our baby's life and my own. I know he'll put us first. But reality is I have no idea of how to be a mother,” she looked nervously at Ashlyn, playing with a ring she wore on her index finger, “I'm so... scared. Excited, I've always wanted a baby, it's part of my dream, but scared shitless,” Ashlyn nodded, “so when I found out... I knew I wanted you to be a part of it, just like I'm a part of Finlay's life. I want this kid to have every great person around that I can bring, and I can't think of anyone better than you to be a godmother, and Cormac agreed. We decided Kyle could be a godfather, and it'd be honorary, just in case anything happens to us, you know? And you'd be Auntie Ash, right? It'd be great, if you... if it's what you want too.”

Ashlyn nodded slowly, assimilating the news, then sighed.

“Woah, I'm sorry Al, I'm just shocked, that was totally unexpected.”

“I know. I couldn't believe it myself, it totally was a broken condom,” Ali laughed nervously.

“How did you even... you've been recovering from injury!”

“Cormac is really good at keeping me satisfied while I'm properly resting,” Ali raised an eyebrow as if saying 'if you know what I mean' and Ashlyn snorted a laugh. “I'm taking things easy, anyway. I can't be more far along than a month, it's like, super early, that's why we're not telling anyone yet. But you're my person, so...”

Slowly, Ashlyn started to smile, feeling touched that Ali had thought of her first, after the father of the baby.

“So this really does make you happy uh?”

“Very,” Ali chuckled. “And I know I'll probably fuck up a lot, but you're a role model with this thing. I've seen everything you do, I've learned from you, and I know I'll learn more and... I feel confident.”

“Well,” Ashlyn hugged her again. “It'll be my honour to be the coolest auntie and godmother that child is ever going to have. Congratulations.”

“Thank you,” Ali hugged her back, feeling instantly comforted by her. “I'm so sorry I haven't been around.”

“It's okay. You were busy fucking like rabbits,” Ashlyn teased her jokingly, and they both sniggered, Ali blushing. “Come on, I'm inviting to your next craving and then we can tell Finn he's getting a new bestie!” she wrapped an arm around Ali's shoulder and pulled her away, grateful to have her friend back.

  
  



	40. Winter wonder nightmare

**Chapter 40: Winter wonder nightmare.**

When early in March Ali had her three month ultrasound, a small baby bump already hiding beneath her scrubs, and found out she was having a very healthy baby girl, Ashlyn threw them a small party with Ali and Cormac's best friends and relatives, where they began brainstorming baby names. Ashlyn had never seen a man more excited about having a child with someone who he hadn't been seeing for so long. Cormac was the sweetest Daddy already. He was always running around seeing what he could get Ali, if she needed a feet rub, back rub, didn't miss a doctor's appointment, framed every ultrasound picture, was just drooling about every little baby thing, and kept telling Ali just how gorgeous she was, the more she complained about swollen feet or getting fat, the more he would compliment. Ashlyn had no doubt he'd be as much of a great Dad as Ali kept saying he would be.

And it was soothing for Ashlyn to see how in love the two seemed to be. They had started saying 'I love you', but there was no need. The way they looked at each other, the way their hands absently reached to touch the other, the way their eyes got brighter and smiles appeared on their own every time the other came around... it was just obvious.

“Aren't they the cutest?” Emily was saying, looking gorgeous as always, as they returned home from the party. Emily was lately hanging more and more in the Harris' penthouse, and she now had a few drawers for her things and had half moved in. Finlay had warmed-up to her and now slept peacefully in the baby carrier bag Emily was wearing, cupping his head with a protective hand as her other hand intertwined with Ashlyn's. “I'm so happy for them.”

“Me too,” Ashlyn meant it. She may be Ali's ex, but they were best friends more than anything else, sisters almost, and seeing Ali so happy, so relaxed, for once in their lives, it was just incredible. It made her grin just from thinking about it, and she couldn't help but being so grateful Cormac was partially responsible of so much happiness. The two were just glowing, and it was contagious. Police were still following a few leads on who attacked Ali, but the investigation was slow, so it was great to have a source of happiness and not sit every day thinking about drama. “They're going to make such cute babies. Cormac has formidable hair.”

“And so does Ali,” Ashlyn hummed in agreement, their heels resounding as they made their way through the London night, walking by the riverside. “And their eyes, God...”

“Do you have a crush?” Ashlyn teased jokingly.

“Oh, more than a crush,” Emily turned to her, grinning, and kissed her gingerly, burying a hand in the hair she now kept short and in its natural dark colour. “I love you.”

Ashlyn hummed into the kiss, feeling Finlay between them. She had heard Emily say it before, but she usually had a bit of a hard time to say it back. It wasn't like she didn't feel it, it was that she didn't know. Identifying her feelings had become so hard after Meredith. But she figured that, even though she had her doubts about whether she was in love, she surely cared deeply enough to say she loved her. After all, she loved Ali, Whitney, Hao, Nick, Tobin... there was love, in some way. So in a more sexual and romantic way, she surely loved Emily too.

“I love you too,” she smiled into the kiss, kissing her back. Then she didn't feel her lips against hers anymore and opened her eyes to see Emily kneeling on the floor with the handicap of the baby and her short dress, her long strawberry blonde hair shinning beautifully with the street lamps, as she held a ring and grinned big at Ashlyn, whose jaw dropped. “What the...?”

“I love you, Ash. And I love Finlay. And we both have steady, nice jobs we love, we have a life together that's sweet and fun, we know how to comfort each other through the rough times, we support each other, we're partners... and I can't picture my life without Finlay and you. I want to grow old with the both of you. I want us to be a family, just like Ali and Cormac are... and to be happy, and provide for you all you ever wanted. No lies, no secrets, and I know Meredith didn't want you to go on without her... but I think she spoke out of fear. I think deep inside, she'd be happy for you and Finlay to have someone who wants to call you family as hard as I do. And I know I want to spend my life making you both happy. So... will you marry me and let me spend life trying my best? Because you don't have to answer right now, I know we haven't been together that long, I know it's a big decision... but I'm sure of this, and if you give me the chance, I'll prove you it's the right choice.”

Ashlyn didn't know what to say. Marriage hadn't crossed her mind even once since she became a widow. She had no idea if it was what she wanted. She hadn't even thought of whether she felt like getting remarried. But she thought of Meredith and Christopher, dying so soon. She thought how spontaneous Meredith and hers' marriage had been, how sudden and early, and how little regrets she had from that relationship. She thought of her grandparents, getting married at eighteen and still so sickly in love, and how life was short and they were happy together, and so was Finlay, and this was what she wanted. This was why her relationship with Ali didn't work out. She wanted someone she saw herself having a calm, peaceful, happy life with, and Emily gave her and Finlay all of that. So even though it could be a wrong decision, Ashlyn decided she'd rather take the leap, give it her best, hope for the best... because bad things would happen anyway and she'd rather go through them with Emily, than having to wonder what they could've had if she had dared to do something ridiculously stupid, but that felt so right.

“Yes,” Ashlyn surprised herself saying, and she smiled, seeing as Emily stood up grinning with teary eyes. “Yeah, let's get fucking married!” she chuckled as Emily slipped a beautiful silver ring on her finger and they both sniggered, hugging. “I love you baby.”

“I love you too,” Emily kissed her cheek, holding her as tight as she could with the baby in the middle. “I can't wait to marry you.”

Ashlyn grinned, nuzzling into her neck. Emily had never failed to give her just what she needed, why would this be a crazy decision?

It was.

The next day, Ashlyn was having second thoughts, and asked Emily to please just take things easy, slow. To keep giving each other time to know each other better, to know the kind of marriage they wanted, to settle down how their life could be, where would they live, how would they share parenthood over Finlay, and make sure that by the time they said 'I do', they were fully ready, fully committed, fully prepared, and with full knowledge of what they were getting into. And they agreed to wait until the next year in the summer, when Emily would have holidays at the school and Finlay was three and able to collaborate much more, to actually get married. In the meantime, they'd take time to know each other's families better, settle the foundations of their marriage and family together, and plan the wedding slowly.

“I think it'll be a good idea,” Emily said, brushing her teeth while Ashlyn hugged her from behind before work, after shower sex, telling her how she preferred to still take things slow. “It'll be good for us to have a strong marriage foundation, right?” Emily spit out the foam and washed her mouth before pecking her lips. “That way we won't have any weird surprises. Like, we'll know how many pets we're getting, how many more kids we'll have... oh, I can't wait to be pregnant.”

Ashlyn chuckled, kissing her freckled neck. She loved to try and count her freckles.

“I can't wait to have a little wild redhead around either, but we'll wait. Four is a good age for Finlay to become a big brother. Or five.”

“So he's old enough to help us,” Emily grinned, nodding as she kissed him again. “Okay, I have to go to work. So the ring fits?”

They both looked down at the ring that now decorated Ashlyn's finger, where her wedding band had sat for so long. It was oddly comforting to have a ring again, and this one was comfortable. Emily didn't have that much money, and was saving for their life together, but had acquired for Ashlyn a white gold and silver band with an engraving of intricate infinity symbols knotting, and microscopical little diamonds shinning, making it look like little stars on a white sky.

“Yeah, it's awesome,” Ashlyn grinned. “What do you think if I get my bride some fancy ring too?”

“Okay, but really, low cost Ash. It's humiliating enough I couldn't afford better, I don't feel comfortable walking around with a huge ass stone,” Emily looked amused as Ashlyn pecked her shoulder.

“Yes ma'am,” Ashlyn chuckled, caressing her freckled cheek. “I can't get over how pretty you are, that ring could be trash and it'd still look beautiful because it's you who's going to wear it.”

“You're so sweet,” Emily enjoyed her fiancée holding her from behind, and leaned back against her naked chest. “Are we telling anyone just yet?”

“Well I'm going to put it in a necklace for now, so I can hide it beneath my scrubs,” Ashlyn said. “I think I've got a silver chain somewhere that will look good with it, besides, surgeons shouldn't be wearing rings during work, for safety.”

“Understandable.”

“And everyone in my gang is going to flip and make a thousand questions including a hundred times, 'are you sure?' not to mention my family. So... can we wait? Let me just call my Dad tonight, have a video-call with you there and all, see if he can get Mum too. God knows they need some good news. And then we can call your fathers right after, tell our friends over the next few days.”

“What if someone notices your ring?”

“I'll say it's a promise ring you gave me,” Ashlyn shrugged. “Temporary, tiny white lie, it's not bad, right?”

“It's okay,” Emily kissed her. “Ok, stop making me late, you're sexy as fuck but I have work.”

“Fine,” Ashlyn separated and Emily giggled as she noticed her ogling her arse in a tight-fitting skirt as she left the bathroom.

One of Ashlyn's favourite things was watching as Emily covered Finlay in kisses before going to work whenever she left before them. Finlay could now say 'Emwy' and he'd giggle with the kisses and try to catch some shiny reddish lock of hair, and he'd just look so happy with her.

The day at the hospital was stressful, so much that Ashlyn forgot about the engagement altogether, so that when her father texted her that it'd be possible to have a video-call with her mother and all, later in the day, she was confused for a moment. But the call went well, they kinda adored Emily, and Emily's parents afterwards were super excited, which meant that the next day was time to tell their friends.

However, Ashlyn forgot.

She forgot for a full couple weeks. Emily was starting to get pissed-off at her, which was odd coming from the always chill woman, but Ashlyn understood. She was always saying how busy she was at work, how stressful it was, to justify her continuous shitty memory, but she knew the lack of telling was seen by Emily as some uncertainty about the wedding. As if she wasn't as exciting. Adding the fact that she hadn't 'had time' to buy Emily a ring, it wasn't weird that Emily was giving her all the glares in the world on the sixteenth morning post engagement.

“I promise you, today will be the day, and tomorrow I have a day off and I'll buy you the ring.” Ashlyn assured as Emily stormed around the penthouse, closing drawers with excessive force after Ashlyn confessed that she had forgotten the day before as well, even as she had had lunch with their friends.

“I don't care about the ring! I care about you being as excited about this as I am!”

“I am,” Ashlyn wrapped her arms around her, forcing her into a hug. “Emily, I'm sorry, okay? I just don't want to blurt the engagement out while one of my friends has a hand down some patient's guts, or while I'm trying to save a child's life. I want to do this in a way that we can remember as memorable and wonderful, not between guts and blood.”

This seemed to soften Emily slightly, and she sighed.

“Will you at least be home on time to check wedding venues with me?”

“I will. I promise,” Ashlyn pecked her cheek. “I'll see you in the evening.”

With that, Ashlyn had taken Finlay and was going to the hospital. He was attending the hospital daycare still, and Ashlyn didn't plan to put him in preschool until he was three or four, giving herself more time to have him close.

Part of the reason Ashlyn was so stressed was that she was getting a second speciality in neonatal and foetal surgery, as so far she had mostly specialized in patients over a year old, requiring most of the time an OB/GYN or a foetal surgeon to treat younger patients. She was working with the head of prenatal surgery, learning from her, studying again, and it just took a lot of her time, but would be very beneficial for her career and her prospects of one day becoming a head of department.

She was just assisting in a prenatal surgery's pre-surgery consult, when Dr Morgan came in looking for her teacher, Dr Highsmith.

“We have a three-months pregnant woman, she and her partner were in a car crash,” Dr Morgan explained as they left the patient's room. “Dr Wambach requested you.”

“Why me? I have a surgery programmed now, I'm sure there's someone else who can take care of it.”

“Dr Highsmith, the patient's one of our own,” Alex Morgan looked nervously at Ashlyn, who frowned. “It's Dr Ali Krieger, the Head of Trauma. The Chief wants the very best, and that's you.”

The heart jumped up to Ashlyn's throat, and she ran. She ran as fast as she could to the A&E, her heart beating painfully hard with anguish. Last she knew, she and Cormac had gone out on a romantic weekend pre-baby, and were returning that evening. Ashlyn had planned on grabbing Ali and their friends, inviting them to dinner and telling them about the engagement.

At last, she caught Ali's bed as she was being wheeled in a stretcher into the A&E room. And she was shouting.

“WHERE'S CORMAC? You! Tell me—,”

“Alex!” Ashlyn sighed in relief, seeing Ali looked fine. She had a bump on her forehead, but there was no blood anywhere, only in her hands, that Ashlyn examined. “Oh God, are you okay?”

“I'm fine! It's not my blood!” Ali said, agitated and anguished. “It's Corm's! Ash, you have to check on him, they won't tell me anything, he went through the windshield, there was so much blood, I couldn't find a pulse!” she was half-sobbing now, grabbing onto Ashlyn's coat neck as they rushed her into the A&E.

“The baby is in distress, we called for Highsmith,” Abby appeared behind the paramedics, gently pushing Ali back on the bed before she could jump off the bed. “Ali, you need to lie down and let us check the baby, okay?”

“Not until you tell me about my boyfriend!” Ali shouted angrily.

“Abby, come on, just tell her he's okay, he's in the theatre, right? I'll check on him,” Ashlyn offered.

“Please,” Ali nodded. “Just tell him I love him, make sure he's okay. I just couldn't find a pulse...”

Ashlyn's eyes connected with Abby's and the truth fell on her like a bucket of cold water.

“Ash, no,” Abby said tensely. “Just... go find Highsmith, okay? We'll do an ultrasound and you can see your daughter, Ali.”

“But—,”

“Alex,” Ashlyn caressed her friend's cheek softly and gave her a sad small smile. “Sweetie, you couldn't find a pulse,” she knew Ali knew, she just couldn't assimilate it yet. They locked eyes, and Ali's filled with tears while Ashlyn's thumb made soft circles on her cheek. “You're the head of trauma surgery. Your boyfriend went through the windshield. And you couldn't find a pulse. I'm so sorry, but I think our priority right now cannot be Corm, but your baby. If you love him, you have to let us take care of his and your daughter, okay?”

A sob broke through Ali's chest and Ashlyn held her as Ali sat up on the bed reclined against the pillows, and kissed the top of her head, holding her close as Ali cried harder than she had ever heard her cry.

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Please remember Fanfic Authors are often unappreciated. Yes, we don't write best sellers, we write for love and we write for free, when we have time, through studies, jobs, life... we write because we love writing, but we CHOOSE to share what we write with you, so the least you can do is show your writers your appreciation. As you can see I spent a whole year writing without necessarily publishing, because like many others, I don't NEED to publish. I do it hoping it'll bring other people the joy it brings me to read and write. But it's up to you to keep updates going, and not make us feel like we might as well keep the work to ourselves. Thank you!


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